august09
member
Reged: 06/08/2009
Posts: 282
Loc: Co. Tipperary, Ireland
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Not one of my good days ladies it must be hormonal
I feel like my life is going nowhere, I'm married but that also seems meaningless how bad is that?
In an ideal world I'd love a clean slate to start again but thats a luxury not given in this life is it? If I leave my home to start again it would be so hard, but I think it will happen at some stage.
I can't discuss how I feel with my husband as he turns every conversation or attempt at discussion back to himself and how he feels and all the things I do to upset him. I just end up frustrated and thats if I corner him because otherwise he'll walk away and not discuss at all. The smallest things cause moodiness which all of us feel the kids included.
I feel a little downtrodden and low today, I have a partnership in a business and that is also causing me lots of stress. We are only in existence two years and the recession which is particularly bad in Ireland is hitting hard. Bills are so many and so hard to pay. I worry a lot that our business is not going to survive. Between now and Christmas will tell a lot. I hope my landlord is patient!
OH doesn't involve himself in these worries at all. He'll ask me if we had a good day at the shop but thats all he really wants to know about it. At home my teenagers struggle to get on with their dad and most of school runs late night pickups or anything else to do with them is left to me.
I'm beginning to resent having to do and be all things to all people. How long can this go on?
I have run our house and done everything from DIY gardening housework paperwork admin everything for as long as I've been married but just lately it all seems too much.
Is it hormonal am I going through some kind of pre-menopausal depression or did I just suddenly wake up to the fact that I'm a prize chump.
Anyone experience similar around this age (42) or am I going mad. Feel like opening a door sometimes and just running far far away.
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Pet Shop Girl
If your dog loves you, don't seek a second opinion
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ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
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Hello August..firstly a huge hug to you...sometime life bites and when it does it really sinks its teeth in! From reading your post, you are carrying a really heavy load of stress, with major worries coming at you from all directions.
This combined with coping with all the needs of those around you, alone, would be enough to make anyone wobble! In my opinion, there is so much going on, organising and prioritising first may help.
First deal with your health..you have to do all you can to be as well as you can..start taking a good premenopausal suppliment, this will really help with depression ect. If you have never been one to take suppliments, try them for at least a month...I have had too many friends(including myself and im only a few years older than you)that have felt unbelievably better after taking them.
Next make a list of the major stress factors in your life, your marriage(or just your OH attitude), your business,work related to the kids and your home.Work out what you can do to make each factor less stressfull for you. At home, what can you do to make the going easier,what can you off load ect, what do you need as far as support from your OH. Sometimes, It really helps to see things in black and white. When life is really stressfull, it can all seem one big muddle, which stops you seeing how you can help yourself out of it.
You are not a prize chimp..you are a woman trying to juggle many things,many worries and also do the best for your children and your family.
Believe in yourself that you can work this out, be brave because you may need to make some hard choices along the way, but you can make it better for you and you can get through this time. I wish you the best august. Row xx
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scottishmags
member
Reged: 24/04/2009
Posts: 1302
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Hi august
In your posts yesterday you were talking about how you bear the brunt of everything that needs to be done at home, and also how your husband won't buy you a present at Christmas. All in all, you sound so sad and fed-up at the moment
I do get the impression that much of your unhappiness is due to your relationship with your husband .. that's how it comes across to me .. if he was more loving and supportive do you think your other worries would seem less overwhelming? Is that the area that needs sorting out more than any other?
I know I'm asking you questions at the moment rather than offering solutions .. but just trying to focus on what's troubling you most
Mags
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august09
member
Reged: 06/08/2009
Posts: 282
Loc: Co. Tipperary, Ireland
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In a word Mags yes you're probably right, but he's not going to change now at this stage of his life. He's always been quite self-centred, and I've reached a stage where I am fed up
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Pet Shop Girl
If your dog loves you, don't seek a second opinion
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scottishmags
member
Reged: 24/04/2009
Posts: 1302
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Would he go to Relate .. I'm guessing you're going to say no ..
What about if he seriously believed you were about to leave if he didn't change .. talking hypothetically here .. would he go then?
I have friends who feel, on reflection, that they weren't trying hard enough in their marriages and only realised that was so when their partner got to the point of walking out .. and by then it was too late. And they bitterly regretted it. So would your OH be full of regret if things reached that stage do you think
I'm not asking this flippantly - but what are his good points?
Mags
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meganb
member
Reged: 08/02/2009
Posts: 635
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Poor August -- you're in a very difficult and not very nice place at the moment , You've got an awful lot of life left to live so I do hope you can make some decisions and start to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Worrying about your business is another added stress -- hope you have a good run up to Christmas meganb
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skippy
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2105
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hi August - sorry i havent got time to reply properly now but I know how you feel and I will pm you soon.
Take care x
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[ima ge][/image]
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jacqui_o
member
Reged: 15/10/2008
Posts: 834
Loc: Lowestoft Suffolk
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Hi August,
Sorry you are having sucha tough time at the moment...
PLEASE DO NOT HEED THE MEDICAL ADVICE GIVEN BY ROW....
Go see your GP or practice nurse, and have a blood test, this will confirm your hormone level, there are loads of things it could be, that is the best way to find out....
You need to find some space for you, perhaps you should seek counselling for you first, once you have got some of your issues sorted, then it will be time to move on to the oh...
Please, please go and get a blood test, dotn just take someone word that is is hormonal....
Hugs...
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ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
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August, I would not presume to give you medical advice..the suppliments I suggested are vitamins available over the counter in any boots or health food shops.Neither would I presume to tell you it was hormonal,that is not my buisness to say and in my post did not give an opinion on that. Row
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tuzanne
member
Reged: 17/07/2009
Posts: 436
Loc: Essex
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Row could be right in that the onset of menopause can have a negative effect such as depression and it can't hurt to take vitamins. I think you being a bit hard on Row there Jacqui although I agree it might be best to take a blood test to find out for definite if August does have a menopausal problem.
I think August's main problems seen to come from excess of stress. She is being hit at all fronts with problems with business and having a home to run and kids to care for. Her OH does not seem to be taking on his fair share of the burden. It does not look good in a realtionship where one partner can not be bothered to buy a Christmas present for the one person they are supposed to love best.
August, it does not sound like you are happy in your relationship at the moment and I suppose only you can decide if staying in this relationship is worth it. It is never easy to break up with someone, especially if you have kids and would find it hard to start again financially so I can feel for your predicament, but am so sorry you are feeling so bad.
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jayney45
member
Reged: 21/10/2009
Posts: 60
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after reading ur post, it sounded very familiar to one of my many posts of late. i too have been feeling like you, thought i was two people at times, jekyl and hyde. i decided for mine and my familys benefit i had to do someting to sort myself out, i would never go on hrt, as i do think it is hormonal with me, im 46, i went to my homeopath yesterday and she worked miracles. it is like a therapy going to a proper homepath. iv gone to mine for the last 6 years. please, give this a thought, its hard to be positive but i just wanted to be back to "normal" asap. i hope ur ok and good luck.
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marie50
member
Reged: 07/07/2007
Posts: 950
Loc: cleckheaton west yorkshire
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I think you're quite within your rights to feel down at the moment, i think it could be hormonal too which wont be helping either. 42 was a bad age for me, my ex had an affair but to be honest i was disillusioned with my relationship at the time too. I think it's a normal phase and the only consolation is that you will come out the other side eventually. I was resentful of my OH never being at home (he'd just set up a new business) and i had a 2 year old and a 13 year old too and a job,and i did all my OH accounts and VAT, a toddler and teenager, what a nightmare ! I think you should just concentrate on yourself for now and not worry about your OH too much, your family and your business will need all your attention, he's a grown up and can look after himself for a change. It took me a long time to realise this but i really did feel better once i'd started to do things for myself, my OH had left by the time i was 43 so that it made it a whole lot easier once i'd got to grips with the emotional upheaval. Dont struggle on if you feel it's too much, ask your doctor for some help, just talking about it to someone else can help so much. Anti depressants helped me feel normal again, they're not for everyone, but personally i think i would have struggled for much longer without them. As for ROW's advice, i think it might help, the supplements help a huge number of people who are pre menopausal, they're not usually drug based so i cant see what harm it would do to try them. I've been on HRT for the last 5 weeks, and i feel fantastic compared to how i've felt for the last 2 years. Hormones are a pain in the arse !!!! Keep your chin up, xxxxxxx
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 549
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I think if your husband is self-centred, and refuses to change, then the best reaction is to become self-centred yourself, both emotionally, physically and financially.
If you can't change him, 'write him off' (like you would a smashed car!).
Firstly, what does he bring to the marraige? Does he bring money? Are you eating food he's paid for, living in a house he pays for etc etc etc? If so, fine. Then it's OK for you to 'earn your keep' by running the house for him (you're earning bed and board!). But if not, and you contribute equally, then basically stop looking after him. Stop feeding him. Stop doing his washing.
He's got no impetus to change, because his life is very nice thank you!
Marriages are partnerships - you wouldn't let your business partner exploit you, so why let your husband (if he is!)
Make your life 'outside' your husband. Get comfort and cheer elsewhere, and, as I say, emotionally discard him. Tell him you are doing so as he is being so useless about helping you and supporting you.
All the very best Julie
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Celtica
member
Reged: 15/07/2008
Posts: 31
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August, I'm sorry things are not going well for you. I was just a little younger than you when something similar happened. In my experience hormonal changes affect your ability to cope, they don't create the problem. It seems to me there is no respect in your relation-ship, and that is really damaging to your self worth. After a while you begin to feel you don't deserve anything better.....don't waste another day with negative thoughts like that. Visit your doctor first to sort yourself out physically if that's what's needed, and then I would find a trained relationship person ( some are part funded) who will help you re-value yourself. Once you know your worth you will find it easier to decide what you want to do. Celtica.
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45ginny
member
Reged: 12/08/2009
Posts: 261
Loc: Sheffield Sth Yorkshire
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August poor you I fully understand why you feel so bad. I did this for years and was a little younger when we finally split up. I agree see GP first, then therapy for your self-worth. The children will probably feel better if they know you are doing something for yourself. Hope you manage to sort something fairly soon. Good luck. Ginny45
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Elly59
member
Reged: 03/10/2009
Posts: 10
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Hi August
I really know understand how you feel - so similar to my life for so long. I'm with Julie on this - shared responsibility - you cannot do a full days work outside the home and then come home to another full days work - I know I did it for over 30 yrs before I left. Does he have his own business, do you share any social life, is there any point of real contact? I live in the same country and know well the extra burden the current depression is putting on us - this adds to our personal difficulties bringing everything we bury to the fore - it's good to have this space and the people on it to see you are not alone.
Best wishes
Elly
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3746
Loc: London
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Hellow August. I am 58 and recognise much of what you are saying. I would try Row's advice and see if you start to feel better. No-one else will help so it is up to you. I would also recommend that you try to be kinder to your husband, and believe me, I know how terrible that sounds when you feel the way you do. Whilst you are feeling so bad he is probably also very very unhappy but he won't say anything because he is the most difficult man to live with, ie, the kind who just won't talk. It is unfair I know but you are the only one who can make the family happier by (on the surface) lightening up. If you can bear to be less miserable on the surface, and if the herbal remedies kick in, then you may find that other things fall into place. I don't want to make out that your problems are that easy to solve but I do know that it is you who makes the family tick and how you are affects everyone in it. If being a woman were that easy this forum would not exist.
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ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
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Very wise words issi. I do agree with issi that it is so true that it is us who make the family tick...(not in every family of course)it shouldnt be like that, and yes its unfair..but it is so often how it is.This is definately true in my family, and every one is affected by how I am feeling. If you can get to a point where you are not feeling so stressed, you will feel more able to cope and more able to relax and that does have a knock on effect on everyone at home..which will ease the pressure on everyones relationships and hopefully make at least one aspect of your life, better and happier for you. Take care. Row
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6503
Loc: Kent UK
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August I do hope you are feeling a tiny bit brighter and I do honestly know how it feels to feel so down believe me.
Dear Issi is lovely and I have had the pleasure to have met the lady twice.
She calm and is wise indeed and I am sure by following at least some of her advice and of others here that you feel suit you you will hopefully and slowly but surely see a clear light at the end of this now dark tunnel.
Sincerely and best wishes from me.
A rather poorly and down, for now, Db in Kent 
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dbverycherry
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ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
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Sorry that you are poorly dbvercherry..I hope you feel better soon. Hugs to you. Row
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Dawn68
member
Reged: 05/11/2009
Posts: 1
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Feel sorry for August, but are Issi and Row saying that women should put up and shut up for the sake of everyone else in the family? They are both right - when I'm in a good mood and don't moan about no one helping with housework etc then all is happy at our house, but if I decide to throw a wobbly especially when I have PMT then I'm accussed of being unreasonable.
Don't get me wrong I'm very happy with my life - my husband and I own our own business and we are doing very well - I have two children aged 13 and 11 - but I am expected to work all day and carry on at night with all the other chores as well.
Go to the Doctors and have a blood test and try and make some time for yourself. Easier said than done I know.
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3746
Loc: London
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No Dawn. To shut up is not to put up. It means to go down a different road. It is not a bad thing to get the family into a more positive mood whilst finding a way to help yourself, whatever form that takes.
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ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
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Hi Dawn, no im definately not saying women should put up and shut up. I know myself that I can be completely moody and crabby when I have PMS and if I give into those feelings...my whole family is going to end up feeling miserable. So I choose not to.If there are problems in a marriage, it is the problems that need resolving, being constantly stressed or exhausted and allowing those feelings free reign are not going to help with that...it will just make the whole atmosphere at home even more tense and confrontational.We owe it to our children to try to give them a happy positive environment, and if that means trying to be a positive,happy and pleasant person, even in really trying times, then that is what we must strive for. Row
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august09
member
Reged: 06/08/2009
Posts: 282
Loc: Co. Tipperary, Ireland
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Issi thanks for your advice and I appreciate what you had to say.
Believe me I don't fight with my oH there's no point. I don't inflict grumpiness on my family because it would just cause so much bad feeling in the house. Mostly I go on like a normal person and keep the good side out. I chat and 'get along' with OH because I have no choice otherwise do I? I'm feeling much better today anyway think I was just having a particularly bad day.
There are lots of people much worse off than me and life is never perfect is it?
Have to keep cheerful and take it one day at a time. Thats my plan anyway.
Thanks everyone for the support, Viva the forum. It makes a difference
ev
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Pet Shop Girl
If your dog loves you, don't seek a second opinion
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
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I've met Issi and I'd say her advice is good. There's no way you can change someone else so there are two alternatives - walk out (some people are too quick to jump at that option) or look at how you can change to make things better for yourself. It's all about compromise - your OH is seeing things one way, you're seeing them another. One of you has to be grown up and compromise to make things better between you and if it's not going to be him (they're just little boys after all) then it has to be you.
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scottishmags
member
Reged: 24/04/2009
Posts: 1302
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Hi august
Glad you're feeling better today - positive is the way to go
Take care of yourself
Mags
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