splash24
member
Reged: 10/08/2009
Posts: 649
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Hi sorry if I say something that has already been said ....so many long replies I have skimmed rather than read them all....sorry
My advice for what it is worth is to be happy yourself.....do what you want to do ...see friends for coffee ...chat to friends on the phone ...buy /borrow a dvd you enjoy ...do what ever you would like to do within the confines of work and children....meet people at a Walking Group or Supper Club....I think meeting and chatting with female friends is so very different than trying to talk to a man who really doesnt want to chat..
If you enjoy YOUR life you will feel happier and may be a more interesting fun person to have around....he can then do his own thing ..and either decide to stay or have a trial separation to see how you both feel....your happiness is your responsibility no one elses.....YOU make your own life and happiness to a large extent ...Go Girl Go ....there is a whole life out there to enjoy ...Go get it !!!
and a Big Hug and Good Luck from me!!!
xx
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jacqui_o
member
Reged: 15/10/2008
Posts: 834
Loc: Lowestoft Suffolk
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Sorry to say this but if he needs space then he should ahve joined NASA!!!
By not talking about it, is denying it is there and by putting off these covnersations, he is controlling the whole situation......
Counselling is a very very good idea, and you shoudl seek this as soon as possible....
Sorry to disagree the worst possible thing for children is to have two parents living in the same house who do not want ot be together, or one doesnt...
children sense these things, they are far more astute than we given them credit for...
Why not take a leaf out of Row's book..... get your parents or someone to have the kids over night, arrange a night out with friends for just you......
You are allowing him to manipulate you and the situation to his advantage, he is only look at him.... there are 3 other people in the house to be considered as well......
Again counselling is a good step, even if it is somehtign at work.....
good luck
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ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
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Hi Ziggy1, looking back, I remember that I told OH that I knew he was struggling and that he was unhappy,so I was going to give him support whenever he needed it and space and time so that he could try to resolve whatever it was. Think its important to actually say that,otherwise you run the risk of him thinking you are withdrawing from him and have totally given up. Just a thought I wanted to share. Good luck with it all, and yes things can go back to the way they were, and it can be even better than it was because of the support you gave at a time when he really needed it. Take care Ziggy and hang in there. Row xx
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mich11
member
Reged: 27/10/2009
Posts: 6
Loc: south croydon
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hi ziggy , have not used this site before so bear with me!
i have been spending the last few yrs tring to get it right for my o/h even moved to france to make his dreams come true (not mine). Lasted six mths he hated it so we came back. At the moment we are on session no.6 at relate (my idea did not know what else to do!) it has helped him mainly open up and talk , he is very much a non talker about his feelings.It has helped me understand him better, got a long way to , but i know it,s hard to give up on your marriage if you still love him ,l still love my o/h but after 12 yrs together it is very hard to finish it. Hoping the relate will work has hepled alot , worth thinking about. good luck hun, you are not the only one in the boat!!!
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lark54
member
Reged: 02/09/2009
Posts: 16
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It's been well over a month since I last posted on this forum but I have been dipping in and out and just wanted to say to Ziggy to be aware that if she does not get OH to deal with his issues now then it may only get worse. I am still dealing with OH and the mayhem he has caused in my family by wanting to end our 31 year marriage because he feels there is nothing for him in a life together. He is still at home and jobless and continuing to refuse to move out. Being faced daily with his rejection of me is very hard to take and I have tried hard to keep things as civil as possible but the past couple of weeks have been bad and I have confronted him on several occasions to vent my pain and hurt and anger. Doesn't help really. He wants to be in HIS house to grieve he says so he will not move out even for my sake (or his YD). Self - centred *******. Blazing row this weekend not in a good place just now!
If you packed OH bags, Ziggy and he still didn't go then maybe he doesn't want it to come to that but you must be sure he wants you to be together - really together. You have young children and it is difficult to contemplate a life bringing them up without their Dad around and you still have love for him so fight for it. It sounds as if you are doing the best you can for now and I know it isn't easy believe me. My OH disconnected from me without sharing his thoughts - keep trying to make him realise what he has but remember that if he doesn't put in the effort you must do what is best for you.
I wish you all the best and take care
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3746
Loc: London
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Hi Ziggy. Your heading it spot on - you want to remind him why he loves you. I would make sure your framed wedding photo is prominently displayed in your sitting room. I would make sure he sees you as the lovely girl he fell in love with by showing some humour and lightness by making him smile when you are together (I know what I mean but can't tell you specifically how you should do this) and I would ask him to show you how much he cares. Keep asking for this, he may well try to avoid being demonstrative but you need him to think about you and not himself. Be demanding, tell him you want a great guy on your arm, like all women. Something may get through.
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ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
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Ziggy, Mich11 and Lark54, sending you all hugs and hoping it works out for you all. Row xxx
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Shekinah
member
Reged: 09/08/2008
Posts: 217
Loc: Bedfordshire
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Hi Ziggy,
I understand so well your impatience with the situation and your need to get back to normality, even if you pretend for awhile. I am in a similar situation, I feel however that you need to be aware of the fact that no matter what you do or say, or how much space you give your OH, babe, he ain't gonna change!! I'm just realising this now about mine 20+ years into our marriage.
I agree with everything splash said about making a life for yourself, doing what makes you happy, because as she says, life is too short and precious to waste. I have decided that I'm not going to spend the next 20 years of my life trying to figure out what to do to keep my marriage going because that is a joint responsibility. If my OH can't or won't take his share of that responsibility, I won't be doing it for him. It's as simple as that for me, but I do accept that you may not be where I am yet.
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Alice23
member
Reged: 21/09/2009
Posts: 179
Loc: In Wonderland
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Hi Ziggy
Yr question how do I remind him why he loves me?
You might start with spending more quality time together. Sounds corny I know but you have small children - been there and have the T shirt. For most of us before the children all yr time is spent enjoying each other. Add children to the equation and your relationship changes sometimes it becomes all about the children. So ask someone to help you both - don't keep packing his bags - you both need to go out and be honest with each other and remind each other why and how you fell in love. Share your memories and focus upon the good times and hopefully more good times will come.
hope this helps.
Best wishes Alice
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Ziggy1
member
Reged: 20/10/2008
Posts: 172
Loc: cloud cuckoo land
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i'm phoning Relate today!!! we are going to counselling, long chats (again!) last night, i told him that i don't want to go to counselling just for the sake of it, i would rather split up than waste time and money (and tears) telling someone else whats going on, if its only one sided? I said i can't go on like this anymore, and it needs to get sorted one way or another. then he asked if i had been looking at Rightmove the other night, he'd seen the page up on screen!! i said i had because if we splitup we'll need to sell the house!
Anyway turns out he actually picked up a counselling leaflet off his own back the other day, and he wants to give it a try! says the leaflet makes it sound like there is hope!?
He says he feels like something is missing, like a piece of a jigsaw....hope the counsellor can help us get it back!!!!
I'm really nervous about ringing Relate!!!
ziggy
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Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower. ~Hans Christian Anderson
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ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
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Go for it Ziggy and the best of luck to you! Row
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flower2
member
Reged: 28/03/2007
Posts: 141
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I have been married 37 years, from the age of 18 and I sometimes wonder if anyone would be married if the woman did not keep it all together, I told my daughter the other day about how I used to leave notes for him telling him how I felt because he would not talk to me, he never really replied but I love him and I know he adores me, he just didnt know how to talk about how he felt. After all these years he has realised that a woman needs to talk about feelings and he really tries, keep at it Ziggy, your children need you both ( dont be deceived by today's mantra that life is too short to waste, every single person has their faults and you may just trade one problem for another).If you really love each other it is worth fighting for. Please remember if you loved each other in the beginning it can always be rekindled, never ever take each for granted and always respect the other person.
Best of luck, keep trying, if it is still the same in a year then think again, but at least two of my divorced friends said that if they had waited they would never have divorced.
Flower
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