teacup
member
Reged: 03/08/2009
Posts: 33
Loc: Kent
|
|
Hello Ladies,
I've posted before about how I would like to tell my OH that I'd like to separate but couldn't find the words and I got loads of good advise from everyone. I went to a solicitor and found out what I needed to know. But I still can't do it!! I cannot bring myself to say those words. I've waited for what I think is the right time and then ...nothingI I just can't make the words come out. Over the past 2 weeks I've passed up at least 4 opportunities. The last time was tonight. What on earth is wrong with me? I'm feeling really cross and frustrated with myself. I'm such a coward and this isn't like me. Maybe I'm hoping he'll say it instead and then all I'll have to do is agree. Then I won't have to face whatever objections he'll put up. And I know he'll object and befuddle me with what will seem to me as perfectly reasonable arguements as to why it shouldn't happen now. And I'll agree with him and then think of all the reasons why I shouldn't have agreed with him about an hour later when the moment will have gone.
Oh grrrrr! But I know what I want and I think I've thought of everything he can object to. But he's bound to come up with something I haven't thought of. Grrrr!
I just want it to be quick and easy like he did it 6 years ago (but then he didn't go cos I got ill. Long story which I won't bore you with) But he's done his duty now - so why doesn't he just go?!!! Now I have to do it. I have to. I don't have a spare room to move in to or I would have done that a long time ago.
I'm sorry to go on about it but I'm just so annoyed with myself for not having the courage to open my mouth. He's not violent or anything, just very self centred. Everything's about him and his comfort and needs. And if they're threatened then all hell breaks loose. I've learnt to deal with it over the years but now I've just had enough. I want my life back.
I've been going over what I should say to him. If I can get that then I should be able to do it. I've got as far as the first sentence......"You know 6 years ago you were going to leave but then didn't because I got ill?"......And then what?? "I'm really grateful that you stayed and gave support to me and the children. But you can go now!!" I can't say that! This is the man I've shared my life with for 20 years (most of them awful!) but he deserves a bit more dignity and respect than that. I just don't know what to say and how to say it without crushing his ego. If I choose the right words then it shouldn't be too difficult a conversation, but if I say one word wrong then it's all going to blow up in my face and I really can't take any more of his temper tantrums. He can be so incredibly childish and petty. I'm sure he feels very pious and self sacrificing for staying with me and I don't want to take that away from him, or appear ungrateful. I am, I really am. It's just I can cope on my own now. I'm fine. I'm healthy.
Oh look, it's 10 to 3 in the morning and I have work tomorrow, but this is really playing on my mind. I can hardly think of anything else. Each night I go home and think "Tonight's the night!" But then I just don't do it. GRRR!
Please help!
Empty Teacup!!
|
ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
|
|
Dear Teacup....what a hard time for you. This is a massive thing for you..and you are just scared, thats all it is...you are not a coward..you have been brave enough to struggle on through all these years in an unhappy marriage...that takes supreme guts!! You have now made a choice, and it will change your life and everything in it, so its natural to be frightened...but, you have made a choice and you just have to find the determination to take the next step, and stick to that choice no matter what gets thrown back at you. I cant really advise you what to say, but it would make sense to me to start with the fact that he wanted to go 6 years ago.Try to keep very calm and controlled and just dont allow yourself to be talked out of it. Take heart, its going to be tough, but in the end, we only have one life to live and you deserve to be happy and live your life in the way that you want to. I wish you the best teacup. Take care. Row xx
|
chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 6211
Loc: runcorn
|
|
It sounds as if the thing that is putting you off talking to him, is the conversation you have afterwards rather than the opening line.
If you really feel that you can't tackle it then perhaps the best thing to say is something along the lines of - I can no longer live with you and I'm too unhappy. I don't want to discuss it because there is nothing left to discuss. - Anytime that he comes up with an objection revert back to the broken record technique and say - I'm unhappy, I can't live like this any longer.
--------------------
I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
|
ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
|
|
No suggestions, just a question. Surely the simplest solution is to say "I'm sorry, this isn't working out. I'm leaving you"? You don't want to live with him any more but unless the house is solely in your name is it fair for you to make that decision and to tell him to leave? Surely the fairest solution because you're the one who wants out is to say "that's it. I'm leaving?". I'm wondering why you feel he should be the one to leave your mutual home. If you leave you can just announce what you're doing and walk out the door - no uncomfortable conversation, no rows. It's then on your terms and you're in control. If you ask him to leave and he says no unless it's your house you've got no way of getting him out.
|
WoodyM
member
Reged: 01/04/2009
Posts: 679
Loc: Cheshire
|
|
Never been in this sit so not much to offer just what I have seen from a distance and wouldnt dream to passing judgement. One acquaintance planned her escape, bought a house etc without telling him and was ready to disappear until he found out by accident.
Another friend is stuck after four years with husband who wont leave the house or divorce.....so the various permutations must be a nightmare.
Could you not just pack yr bags, put them in the hall and then go...
good luck
--------------------
|
Sella_Vee
member
Reged: 03/04/2008
Posts: 1504
|
|
Why don't you ask him how he is feeling? If he says he wishes he'd left years ago, tell him how grateful you are that he stayed, but that you're well now and it's his time. He can go with your blessing. Problem solved. If he says he's glad he stayed, tell him that you're unhappy, and explain your feelings. Don't tell him you want him to go, let him come up with the idea, but at least consider his point of view. Also, think about what ChrissiFi has said.
|
Jane_09
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 3119
|
|
Teacup, I've a feeling your husband is not going to be at all surprised that you want a separation. After all, you did say he was going to leave you all those years ago before you became ill, so he must surely know something is not right now. If you want to go it alone you are going to have to find the strength from somewhere, so you might as well just get on with it because it doesn't sound like you can carry on living like this much longer.
One word of caution - make sure you inform the bank, building soc, British Gas, etc that you are separating, otherwise he could run up debts in your name. And DO NOT under any circumstances leave the marital home without first checking what you rights are. Who will have the children? If the children are young then they are first priority.
Good luck, you can do it!
--------------------
|
kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 6826
Loc: Leicestershire
|
|
Hi,
If you are sure that it's only saying it that is scaring you, and you are certain about this, then write everything down that you want to say.read it over a few times.You may then find you can say it.
If not, work out the minimum you can say, and then write him a letter and after the initial words ( you owe him that) then tell him it's difficult and that you have written him a letter.
But make sure you only refer to emotions and decisions in the letter, not the ways and means of the financial split.Don't write anything he could use against you.
Good luck.x
--------------------
|
JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 556
|
|
So annoyed - I wrote a long email and the system wiped it saying server too busy. Bah.
Anyway, what I was going to suggest was this. It sounds like you've made your mind up, and now just want to get moving on this. BUT the barrier to achieving it is the ordeal of 'telling him'. So, maybe you don't actually have to! If you have seen a solicitor already, hopefully you know what the finacial aftermath will be - how much there is to split, how it will be split, etc. If I understand correctly, you won't be able to kick your husband out of the matrimonial home (unless he's been beating you!), so if you want it to yourself you will have to buy him out. Or, he buys you out. Or, you sell it and split the proceeds. Since all that will take time, time, time, you could just get your bags packed and move out yourself into rented accomodation, and simply start divorce proceedings. You might need to stash away anything he might sell in the meantime, that you don't want him to, but that could be done little by little before you walk out. If you have only joint finances, immediately go and open a separate bank account for yourself, and put whatever money in it you can, and arrange for any paycheck to be paid in there as well - you need to separate your finances ASAP.
If you feel you really do need to 'tell' him, then I agreee that writing it all down is probably the easiest way - maybe get a solicitor to read the letter first, in case it gives him a legal leverage in any way!
Why do you think he won't want to split up? (given that he seemed he was going to leave you anyway, earlier on). Is it because he gets all his home comforts and doesn't want to lose them?
It would be lovely to think tht he could mend his ways, and you could have a happy marriage after all, but maybe that just isn't possible if he won't accommodate to you sufficiently and have a 'fair' mariage.
Best, Julie.
|
teacup
member
Reged: 03/08/2009
Posts: 33
Loc: Kent
|
|
Hi Ladies, quick message from work, so can't spend long but thankyou for responses so far. Just to explain - although both our names are on the deeds, the house is mostly mine as me and my mum have put most of the money in as deposit (hopefully all auditable). She lives with us (separately in a 'granny flat') and the kids are both here too, so I have to stay here, for the children, for my mum and to protect what we've put in. He's the one that has to go. That's the difficulty. I'd love to just pack my bags - that would be easiest, but I can't. But that's what he was going to do 6 years ago and that's what I want to persuade him to do now. Yes, he gets all his home comforts and he won't want to lose them but I've just got to paint a better picture for him for if he moves out. He's just a bit of a bully and we've all been tip-toeing round him for years. But if I can make him think it's his idea again - then that would be great.
Gotta go.
T
|
Lisianthus
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 1375
Loc: Sussex
|
|
Try the free fabulous website 'Wikivorce' for people who are thinking about separation/divorce or who are already separated/divorced.
I am on there as going through a divorce ( cheating husband) and the advice and help is superb because everyone has 'been/is there'.
Janine xxx
--------------------
My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. (Edith Wharton)
|
ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
|
|
I'm afraid Teacup that unless he's willing to move out you're stuck sharing the house with him so you're going to have to speak to him. Maybe it's not just about home comforts, maybe he truely believes the cracks have been papered over and things are ok.
I hope that you've got in writing that the house is to be split by the amount that each party has put into it because without a written agreement there's not a great chance that it will end up mainly yours if it's in joint names as that assume joint (as in half and half) ownership. Also if he's been paying the majority of the mortgage and household expenses (you don't mention whether you work) that may go in his favour. A friend who divorced while her children were small was able to keep residence in the house but when sold (or when the children finished compulsory education, whichever came first) the profits had to be split 50:50 because although she paid the mortgage after he moved out it was felt he'd been the main contributor for many years in the first place. You need proper advice as I fear your mum's input into the property may be lost.
|
ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
|
|
Teacup..this is only a thought and I dont know if it would be at all practical. Because of the situation with your house, if you both got to the point where you agreed to separate and there is a problem with the property...could your husband move into your mums granny flat, and she move in with you, until you have sorted everything out and decided what you are going to do about the finances,property ect ect? As I say, I dont know how feasible this is,it was just a thought. Row xx
|
georgiegirl
member
Reged: 28/04/2009
Posts: 53
|
|
Daft comments from me maybe but I lost count over the years how many times I felt like divorcing, ideas of my own space, getting my life back, not putting up with any more crappy arguments about whatever. But neither of us were in a position where this was easy or possible and we carried on. Now we are shortly to have our 40th wedding anniversary and as time went by those periods got less and less and we began to grow so incredibly close and love each other so deeply. I am so glad that during those bad times, we did not have anywhere else to go . I just try to urge married people these days to really try and work through things and possibly like me you will become as one. Sorry if this sounds patronising, not meant to.
Edited by georgiegirl (09/11/2009 16:44)
|
JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 556
|
|
That's a great post Georgie - I think it's really wonderful that your husband and you were able to 'come through' all the bad times and find your marriage stronger. So pleased it worked out.
With so many men, it seems, they really don't seem to twig that marriage is a two-way street - they have to work at keeping their wives happy (as well as the reverse). I have a particular loathing of people who expect others to tip-toe round them! Who the hell do they think they are????!
Maybe, Teacup, it's time to stop tiptoing. In the end, if he's a bully and gives you a 'hard time' when he isn't pleased, think about what he can actually DO? Unless he starts hitting you, he can't actually DO anything, except sulk and grouse, and if you (a) ignore hm and (b) simply go straight into your mum's flat when he does, he can't get anyway. The sky really won't fall in if His Nibs decides he isn't a happy bunny for whatever reason.
never tiptoe round people - it just (a) encourages them (b) makes them think they're entitled to other people deferring to them and (c) makes your life a misery.
I see why you want him to go, not you, but it does sound like you need really accurate legal advice on your financial position.
As for 'telling' him, and fearing he will twist the argument round - remember, you do NOT have to justify why you want the marraige to end. You just have to say 'I want it to end, and that's that'. He's not entitled to an explanation, or to you somehow having to 'prove your case'. You want it to end in the same way as you might want a cup of tea or a new pair of shoes. You just do.
If you feel that's a bit blunt, right it all down (not in haste, take quite some time, write it in bullet points, leave it a few days, add to it, delete it, and let it 'brew' for a bit), then hand it to him and say 'this is why' - and if she challenges what you've written, again, just say 'it's in that letter, and that's that'.
All the best - Julie.
|
ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
|
|
Georgiegirl, that is really good advice. It would be so easy to walk away when things aren't going great. It takes a lot more character to stick with it and sort through the problems. I've not got children but from what I've seen with others having children around and inlaws (whether close by or in the annex) can put a lot of strain on a relationship (and it's usually the husband who gets ratty and argumentative because he tends to feel his only purpose is to earn a wage - think it's the little boy syndrome because he's no longer the centre of the wif'e's attention). It's certainly something to think about.
|
marie50
member
Reged: 07/07/2007
Posts: 950
Loc: cleckheaton west yorkshire
|
|
you cant demand that he leaves the house if he's on the deeds. maybe after 6 years he thinks everything is ok again and doesn't want to leave ? it's going to be really tough but from your posts i think you've made up your mind, the thing is he has rights too, however much you dont like him ! i hope you manage to talk this through with him, i've been there and it's best to try to remain friends if you can, believe me.
|
jacqui_o
member
Reged: 15/10/2008
Posts: 834
Loc: Lowestoft Suffolk
|
|
Firstly you need expert legal advice.... you should have a paper trail proving the funds supplied by both you and your mother.....
As someone else suggested you could ask your mother to move in with you?...
and sorry but why are you giving an "emotional bully" so much thought and consideration...
as you say, his temper is terrible and you are too frightend to mention this for fear of the backlash......
Go and get some expret legal advice...
--------------------
|
chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 6211
Loc: runcorn
|
|
As jacqui o has said that you need to check that your hopes will match reality about the split of the house. I have a feeling that what Chrissifi has said about the house being split down the middle unless there is something legal already in place is correct.
Georgie girl, lovely post and not at all patronising I think.
--------------------
I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
|
pura_vida231
member
Reged: 01/02/2009
Posts: 54
|
|
Must just say that I think anyone you have shared your life and home with is entitled to an explanation when you decide to end the relationship.
Pura
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
