linmario
member
Reged: 30/08/2007
Posts: 10
Loc: oxfordshire
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Visited mum today (90 years old), for our weekly outing. She is almost immobile now and registered blind (but has limited sight). Getting out of flat is first challenge as first she has to have her pillow on bed, which is made by carers, altered by about 2cm. then a new tissues must be put in her pocket to go out. As she can only walk a very few steps with the aid of a walker it is very time consuming. Wheel her out to car where she remarks 'We always have same car' - (new this year) and then marvels at leaves blowing and hearing a bird sing. It is just like a baby - EXCEPT- you know a baby is learning and will progress, this is just depressing.
Conversation progresses relatively normally until we return to her flat and she casually remarks that she thinks it wrong that someone is allowed to dig up her floor at the foot of her bed. Another remark shows she thinks i am her mother not daughter!
Each week I see some deterioration and I don't always handle it well then I feel ashamed. I have to lift her out of wheelchair now which is becoming more difficult as she is dead weight although only about 10stone but i am really struggling now. If
i don't take her out she will never get out though, my sister lives 400miles away.
I know there is no answer but feel better talking about it.
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tuzanne
member
Reged: 17/07/2009
Posts: 436
Loc: Essex
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I really feel for you as you just want to remember your mum as that person who cared for you and was all things to you when you were young. You don't have to feel guilty for wishing it would all be over and that you don't have to see her get worse every time you see her, it is only human nature to feel like this. Although you are not an only child, you might as well be as your sister is too far away to share in the care of your mum.
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scottishlady
member
Reged: 31/08/2009
Posts: 163
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I agree with tuzanne it is not easy watching a loved one deterioate like that but you must never feel guilty,you are caring for your mother and being a loving daughter to her.I hope you are getting all the help that is available to you,you will have time when you feel so alone but remember we are all here for you on the forum talk to us when you are feeling down.
My thoughts are with you.
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ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
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I am so sorry that this is so heartbreaking for you,it is so hard to see someone you love so much deteriorating so fast.I think that what you feel is totally understandable and natural.Let yourself feel whatever you feel, its a way of coping with it all. Please make sure you get her asessed regularly so that you are always getting all the help you both are entitled to.As your visits are weekly, is it possible to arrange for a carer,friend or neighbour to help you when you have to get mum into the wheelchair? Your mum will love your visits every week, and even if she sometimes gets confused about who you are(and I know that in itself is painful too), while you are with her, enjoy the time you spend together and try to let go of the frustration and find a way to accept that this is how it now is. You say you dont handle things well sometimes, this is not because the little things bother you, but because it hurts you to see her like that, because you love her and care for her and are having to adjust very quickly to the changes in her. Get all the help you can, and then focus on the time you are together..when you are with her, live in the moment and try to make every visit precious. I wish you both well. Row
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 7994
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Don't be too hard on yourself. It must be so difficult seeing your mum change every week.
Can your sister come and stay for the week-end or a couple of days to see your mum and also give you a break? Get all the help you can. Are there any other relations who could visit your mother?
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I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
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jayney45
member
Reged: 21/10/2009
Posts: 60
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hi linmario, after reading your post i can deeply sympathise with you, ur in a very stressful situatiion. i too cared for my dad, who was ill with cancer, and no cure. he was a very very independant man and insisted on doing things for himself. that was until he just couldnt do them anymore. i have an o b who lived close but didnt bother coming over to see him or help. when my dad passed away, the loss to me was all consuming, id lost my best friend andmy rock. my mum died when i was 19 so we wer very close. what im trying to say is that there will come a time when you will look back and feel no guilt at all cos u are doing what a good daughter should do. they look after us till we are independant , so when they loose theirs we take over. its soo hard see them deteriorate but you will be proud of what you will of done to make her life of some quality. hope this helps u . take care.
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kitty52
member
Reged: 24/10/2009
Posts: 42
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Hi Linmario,
My Mum is 84 years old and I am in almost the same situation. I think we feel the way we do because we are slowly losing the person we love, and as a child relied on, especially when there is an element of dementia involved. In my case (and I expect is yours) there is a true role reversal and my Mum is incapable of participating in life without my assistance. Like you, I try so hard to be patient, and then feel guilty for getting frustrated - I find that it helps me when I feel like this to remind myself that she simply can't help being as she is and would never choose to be so dependent.
As you say, there are no real answers - we battle on because we love them. Sorry I can't offer any better advice but sometimes it is comforting to know that you are not alone with the problem, as it sometimes feels.
Will be thinking of you,
Kitty xx
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august09
member
Reged: 06/08/2009
Posts: 282
Loc: Co. Tipperary, Ireland
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Hello first of all my sympathys are with you that is a tough job you are doing. But you are doing it out of love for your mother which is a wonderful thing. She is lucky to have reared a daughter as kind as you.
Practical matters, you need to get your hands on a hoist to move her in and out of bed and into her wheelchair. I remember my mother caring for her mum my grandmother and they got a hoist from the local social services (We live in Ireland) I don't know what help is in England for carers but there must be something. The hoist is great, you put the straps around her like a sort of seat and you can press the button to raise and move the patient. Gran was terrified to use it until she tried it and saw there was nothing to it.
If you continue as you are you will injure your back and then you are completely banjaxed as we say in this country.
GET SOME HELP. this is urgent. Look after yourself and then you can look after your mother. Even in care homes big strong male nurses will work in pairs to lift patients.
Sending you love and best wishes and I hope you can continue, you are doing a wonderful job.
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Pet Shop Girl
If your dog loves you, don't seek a second opinion
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susieblue
member
Reged: 16/03/2008
Posts: 1438
Loc: Devon
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I think you are being an absolute saint. But as August09 says, look after yourself too.
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hardyeargirl
member
Reged: 06/11/2009
Posts: 35
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linmario
I am sorry that you are struggling with the caring role (though in fact you are being brave and mature) as well as witnessing the role reversal that can happen as our parents get older. I can also appreciate that seeing a downhill trend rather than any improvement in your mum must be very depressing. Earlier this year I saw my dad decline with cancer and it was so distressing knowing that there was no hope - his frustration and pain were also much in evidence.
Health problems can be so cruel as they steal independence despite the fact your parent would never have wanted to be so needy.
You say she is in her flat which suggests that she lives independently with some support? I dont know whether she is any type of sheltered accommodation? I also dont know (though it may say later on in thread as I have not read all comments) whether social services are involved, providing a package of care - you do mention carers in your first message so hopefully the answer is yes.
If she is blind the RNIB may provide equipment to make certain tasks of daily living possible where reading or recognising things is the issue. But for your mum it sounds as though her mobility (plus memory issues) is also causing impairment and she needs a lot of hands on caring.
I know it feels and is a huge effort to get her outside but Im sure that she feels a benefit from doing this. Is it possible to obtain a wheelchair so you may take journeys out of her door if her mobility gets any worse.
I hope that she also claims attendance allowance where she does have these extra needs and requires assistance.
it sounds like you are the nearest relative with your sister living away and that must create a feeling of burden at times too. I hope that your sister can help with decisions about your mums care though so you are not left to it entirely. All decisions can be very hard.
With her memory I hope that she does retain recognition of you even where things are mixed up, that she can also show appreciation for your visits.
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ORMO
member
Reged: 16/11/2009
Posts: 4
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Firstly well done and enjoy the good times like you my mum is slipping away and I am very upset today as she didnt recognise me. We can only do our best I've been told to leave mum at home and not distress her by taking her out as her world is smaller and she is happy to stay at home. I think we cant do right for doing wrong.
Be happy with your mum and enjoy being with her.
take care X
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