hardyeargirl
member
Reged: 06/11/2009
Posts: 35
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I have only joined the forums today so have yet to get to know anyone here or how it works. But I wanted to first off post about something that has been especially troubling me for this year.
My father died from prostate cancer in July. He was diagnosed a few months earlier and by then this disease had caused his vertebrae to collapse and paralysed him. It was horrible to witness his decline but also know that living was unbearable for him. He was in a lot of pain that was not controlled well. And he also had to go into a nursing home, though had his last week in a hospice where he was made more comfortable.
Next week it will be four months since he died but I feel that life only gets harder. I come from a small family (only have my mum and a brother left now), I am in my early thirties and have no children. My dad was very reserved and only at the end of his life did we express so much more.
I feel hopeless a lot of the time, sometimes I cry but often I suppress it with food (I used to have anorexia though now I feel I eat too much). I am going through a hard time though find it difficult to be kind to myself - instead thinking I should be 'over' grief and not dwell on it. I also feel very lonely (hence joining these forums for some chat - though not necessarily about grief but life in general).
I hope next year will be better so just endure it til then but each morning feels like waking up to another battle through the day, survival really.
I look forward to meeting members here. I buy the magazine and find some of the articles interesting - the forums always come highly recommended.
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jaqi1953
member
Reged: 19/07/2009
Posts: 150
Loc: Manchester
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Oh Hardyeargirl, so sorry to hear of your loss, its the hardest thing in the world to lose a parent. Please dont supress your grief though, you need to cry, just let it go whenever you feel like it. You dont say if you talk to your mum or brother about it, have they come to terms with it any easier than you have. Please talk to someone it really does help.
Welcome to the forum too, everyone will really try to help you.
My thoughts are with you Hardyeargirl x
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CarolynE
member
Reged: 21/08/2009
Posts: 184
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Welcome to the forum,Hardyeargirl.Please allow yourself time to grieve and do not feel the need to rush this - everyone takes different amounts of time to recover from such a traumatic event as losing a parent. It is very,very early days for you. What you are feeling are quite natural emotions,and unfortunately the price we have to pay for loving and then losing someone.There is no right or wrong length of time for the process of grief,so be kind to yourself and do not try to rush it.
you will find many lovely ladies on the forum who offer friendship and support,and fun when you feel ready for that too.Good luck and best wishes,Carolyn
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cinnamon
member
Reged: 06/08/2009
Posts: 109
Loc: yorkshire
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So sorry to hear of your berevment, it a long time since my own father died but i still recall the pain--- just be glad that yours is not in pain any more. Try and take small steps as in one day at a time. for instance take a small note book to bed with you and write a list of what you would like to achive tomorrow-- simple things like get up at 8pm shower, do hair and make up, have breakfast, go for a walk etc. As you do each task cross it of the list if you dont complete the list carry the task over to the next day. The idea of doing this is to concentrate on mundane task.
look on your lives and find stepsisters we are a group that post every day on how many steps we have done on our pedometers. you can get one on amazon. the aim is to do 10.000 steps a day. Walking is magic even just around town it helps with deppresion and if you do 12,000 to 15,000 a day the side effect is that you loose weight. you would be very wecome to join us we would support you all the way. Our stepsister meganb has lost over 2 stone in weight and i am now under nine and a half . So dont focus on the negative join us as soon as you get a pedometer it only takes 2 days on amazon. Good luck hope my post helps.
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aec13cat
member
Reged: 08/01/2009
Posts: 3087
Loc: N. Ireland
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Welcome to the forum and so sorry to read about your Dad. Grief affects everyone in different ways and we all deal with it differently. It is good to cry as we have to get it all out - also please dont think there is a time you have to be over grief as again everyone has their own time scale. It took me many years before I had come to terms with my mums death. Another thought - have you been to any grief counselling ? You may find it will help you as from your post you don't have an other half to load off on etc. I hope the forum can help you and that you will get support from all of us.
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xxxSummerxxx
member
Reged: 29/03/2008
Posts: 10524
Loc: Billericay,Essex
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Hello there and welcome to the forum.
I'm afraid I dont have any words of wisdom but wanted to tell you that My Oh is joining in a fund raising activity for Prostrate cancer. You may be aware that November has been renamed Movember and Men all over the country are growing moustaches to raise money.
I am really not keen on them Myself but I admire My husbands sense of fun and of course his commitment to raise awareness and funds for Prostate cancer,he's winning in his growing ability after only 5 days.... he's all man 
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 549
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I'm so so sorry to hear about your poor father. Of course you shouldn't 'be over it' by now. Four months is nothing, nothing at all - it can take well over a year, and it is not a question of 'getting over it', because that implies that at some point you cease to grieve - but we never stop grieving for losing someone we love. All that happens is that it becomes less painful, the wound less raw. It gets easier, but not better, because in the end that person should not have died when they did, in the way they did. So please, please do not feel you 'ought' to be any particular way. Those who have experienced the agony of losing someone we love know that grief has its own pathway, its own timetable, and that can be something that friends, perhaps, who have not been through what you have been through, can tottally underestimate.
Please do be gentle on yourself, and if the pain breaks through and you are devastated all over again as your mind takes you to that place you do not want to go, do not necessarily fight it. Sometimes we can find ordinary life 'OK' for quite a while, and then, out of nowhere, we can just 'walk over the cliff' and be plunged right back down into tears and desolation.
One thing I would recommend you might like to take a look at, and that is the Macmillan cancer forum. There is a section there for those Coping with Loss, and there you will find all those who are, like you, trying to come to terms with the unbearable pain of losing someone we love.
I hope you find comfort here as well, from us all. Say whatever you want - you are in a 'safe place' here.
With kindest thoughts, Julie.
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debenjanie
member
Reged: 31/01/2009
Posts: 227
Loc: Suffolk
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6 years next February I will have been without my dear dad. There are times when I just want to cry and cry as I miss him so much. So when I feel like that I allow myself the full works of memories and tears. Its very theraputic for me and I always enjoy thinking of good times shared. Anyone who has been so special in your life should be remembered and those thoughts cherished.
Getting out and meeeting new people or taking up a different hobby will give you other things to focus on but most of all allow yourself the time to think and feel. There is no rule book for when or how you should deal with these situations but know that you are a good person who cared.
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kitty52
member
Reged: 24/10/2009
Posts: 42
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Hello Hardyeargirl, so sorry to read your sad post. It is 31 years since my Dad died, very unexpectedly. As an only child I found it very hard to deal with, especially as my Mum turned to me for support. Believe me, I know how you are feeling at the moment - as if life will never be the same again.
Everyone says that 'time heals', and although you will find it hard to imagine at the moment, there is an element of truth in it. The rawness of your pain will gradually lessen and you will think less of how your Dad died and remember the good times more. I think the length of time it takes to reach this state of acceptance varies greatly from person to person. Be kind to yourself and don't try to rush things.
There is not a day goes by that I don't think of my Dad, but it is with happiness, love and thanks that he was a part of my life - I know you will get there too, even though it may not seem so at the moment.
Take care, I'll be thinking of you.
Kitty xx
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hardyeargirl
member
Reged: 06/11/2009
Posts: 35
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I really am overwhelmed looking at my message this morning and seeing so many replies. I am grateful for each and every one and printed them off so I may keep them and also respond here.
Jaqi1953 - my brother doesn't talk about this, to me anyway, and my mum focuses on practical things to do since my dads death. He was very disorganised for reasons related to his mental health so there has been lots to get sorted. I live away from home though I speak on the phone to mum but not to my brother. I see my mum doing well and me falling apart - and I thought that I would be in a better position to deal with all this.
Carolyn Thank you for assuring me that I am going through natural emotions. It has been a great trauma. I have been though loads of difficult times in my life though this was the hardest since I had no sense of control and it was my dad suffering - I would have preferred to do it than him but he was incredibly brave. I will remember it is early days and try to go easy on myself.
Cinnamon That is helpful to make simple lists. I sometimes make to do lists though those are things I dont want to do rather than those I do! So focusing on the essentials and looking to do simple things would help me. I imagine the crossing them out will also give me some sense of satisfaction. For some reason I feel so useless, I had purpose when I was helping my dad, almost serving as his advocate as there was much with his care that he was unhappy with. But after a death you lose that and are back to being yourself again and the loneliness that goes with that.
I will also look into a pedometer and walk - walking is an achievement too. Your post definitely helped.
aec13cat, I am sorry that you lost your mum too and can understand how it would take you years to come to terms with it not months. I am having some counselling already with a health professional I have known for some time - and that does help but then I find that is what gets me through the week sometimes and the other days Im just treading water hoping that the strong low feelings will pass.
I think this forum looks very good and supportive - people who understand and try to live full lives too.
Summer - yes I have got to know about the prostate cancer charity and sometimes use their message boards too - especially when my dad was ill and the charity is excellent. When my father died I wrote about the particular complications he had from the cancer and my experience to their chief executive and got a personally signed letter back answering my own points. They do great work, I was aware of the Movember too - good on your husband.
Julie - thank you for being so wise in saying that we dont get over grief but it becomes less painful. Your words are very comforting and I will stop setting myself 'ought to's
I identify with what you say about pain breaking through and taking me back to his final weeks of life - but as you say you cant fight that as those memories are there. I will look out for those walks off the cliff back into grief so they wont take me by surprise though I know its still devastating to go through them all over again.
Thank you for recommending the Macmillan forum, I did join up ages ago but there looks so many people I never posted or didnt know where to begin - but I will follow this up now. I do rate their charity highly too and registered as a cancer voice after my dad died. You give such good advice I imagine that you have been touched in a similar way by loss.
DebenjaneCrying clearly helps - and I will treasure my dad always as you say. I can understand you missing your dad 6 years ahead. I imagine the feelings may evolve and change and you may also learn more about your dad or remember in greater detail aspects of his character.
I will try to get out and meet people as well as coming here.
Kitty52 That must be a heavy loss for you still, especially when your mum turned to you for support rather than you helping each other through it. And as the daughter you were very vulnerable too then. Thank you for your words, again very clear and true.
It has helped me to post here and thank you to anyone who has read this or responded so generously.
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 549
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I am so glad that what we all posted has helped a little at a time when the only real 'help' we crave is to have the person we loved back with us again, strong and healthy.
Bereavement is a very, very deep wound. Counselling helped me a great deal (my husband died of cancer last year - as you say, it has touched my life too with its dread hand), and was provided by our wonderful local hospice charity, so I hope that yours is helping you as well.
As for the Mac site - yes, it is huge and can seem very intimidating! It's also been recently relaunched, which has 'ruffled feathers' so to speak, as things have all changed in appearance and organisation. I expect we'll all settle down again after a while, and accept the new changes (this site, here, W&H changed its appearance some months ago and it too ruffled feathres - I think we users are very conservative, and like things to stay the way they are, rather than have some flash web-desinger come in and reorganise everything for us - it's as if someone comes into our house and rearranges all our furnitre without asking first!!!! I do think web hosts find it hard to take on board how much users hate having the websites changed without their say so!).
I've somewhat dropped off the Mac site since the redesign, but 'rejoining' is on my 'to do' list, and I know I ought to get back there and learn my way around. I will look out for you. Be assurd, that the moment you post a 'I've lost my dad and I'm feeling lost' post on the Coping with Loss section, you will immediately get several posts from some very, very faithful and compassonate 'lifers' there, being supportive and kind, and you will not 'go unnoticed'. I will try and look out for you too.
Take care for now, and go easy on your self - Julie
Sometimes, I know, we just need the company of others who have been bereaved - there are not a few, sadly, here as well, who have been very kind to me, and I hope I've been able to return some of that as well.
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Glitterqueen
member
Reged: 11/01/2008
Posts: 3199
Loc: Essex
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Dear hardyeargirl, all the things you are feeling are perfectly normal. There is no right or wrong way to grieve for a lost loved one. People behave different but it doesnt mean they don't feel the same pain. When my mum passed away only 6 weeks after being diagnosed with ovarian cancer I thought my life would never be the same again. Of course it isn't - she's not here to share it any more. The first year was a huge strain - first Christmas, first Mother's Day, so many things that we used to share were difficult to enjoy without how.
Nine years on I still miss her and wish she was still here but it does get easier. The pain lessens and you can talk about the good times and remember how wonderful it was that you had sometone who shared your life.
In August my MIL passed away. I didn't think it would affect me in the way it did. I've found myself thinking about her a lot and even feeling that I maybe didn't appreciate her kind ways enough.
Give yourself time. Accept that however you are feeling is right for you and cherish the memories.
Take Care GQ x
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hardyeargirl
member
Reged: 06/11/2009
Posts: 35
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Julie Thank you again. You did me an enormous service by suggesting I join the Macmillan site, coping with loss. I did this and have posted and as you said received a reply. But as much as that I have read other peoples threads and been so surprised at such similiarities to my own eg other women in around same age faced with loss of a parent. I think for you to lose your husband must have been devastating when there is such a close relationship of dependence and love. I thought from the way you wrote so intuitively that you were bound to have been affected by cancer. The hospice was excellent for my dad, but the problem is I live away so cannot travel back up there for support groups or counselling. I could have had some phone counselling but I have a cancer drop in here and need to make more use of that as it is a welcoming place. It is just that I can find it hard to get myself there sometimes with all the competing thoughts and troubles in life. I get bogged down by stress as well as chaotic eating which has got worse lately then these issues can end up dominating me. I hope to see you on the Macmillan board too in future. You have as much right to be there. I realised the whole site had been redesigned. I often look at it for cancer voices and latest opportunities though have not really done anything yet though did contact the national council for palliative care with my own story as I had lots of views about this aspect of end of life care.
Glitterqueen. That must have been terrible for you to lose your mum to ovarian cancer. I have heard that this disease can be aggressive though six weeks is no time at all. I had 18 weeks with my dad from the time he was diagnosed to when he died. I know you must think of this situation often. I found it such a shock to go from having a dad to having a terminally ill dad in a nursing home. I am sorry you have since lost your mother in law and realise you valued her too, I am sure she knew you did.
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Little_Dragon
member
Reged: 04/02/2008
Posts: 586
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Hardyeargirl, so sorry for your loss. I can understand the way you feel right now but you must allow yourself to grieve in your own way however long it takes. It's almost a year since I lost my mum and not a day goes by without me thinking of her, I still break down in tears now and then (especially when hearing of someone else's loss) but feel that this helps me release all of my pent up emotions. It also helps to talk about her, and laugh about the happier times, with my two brothers. Yes we still miss her like crazy but know that the pain will ease eventually. There is no such thing as a time scale for "getting over it", we all grieve differently and sometimes it can take years to come to terms with. Keep your happy memories alive and you will come through this.
Take care.
Iris x
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Paddy53
member
Reged: 24/08/2008
Posts: 81
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Dear Hardyeargirl, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, and know how you feel. My Dad died 6 1/2 years ago, and I still miss him. If you feel like crying you must - it doesn't matter what other people think, you have to grieve in your own way, and for as long as it takes. Everyone deals with things differently, and your Mum dealing with practical matters is her way. If you feel angry with him for dying or jealous of other people who still have their Dad, don't worry it's natural or at least how I felt.
I know it's odd but talk to him - either out loud or in your head, and tell yourself he can hear (I don't know what your religious beliefs are).
It will get easier, and you will start to remember the better times, but take care, and keep in touch with us.
Px
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hardyeargirl
member
Reged: 06/11/2009
Posts: 35
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I am again really privileged to have had the replies I have here.
Iris, you are kind and also no doubt right in saying that coming to terms with loss can take several years. I feel that with bereavement we get no warning as to what may happen - I really didnt expect it to have the fallout it had. That perhaps I would miss dad but not be in turmoil! I will try to recover happy memories, though wait for them to come through rather than be forced. Thank you for your words
P I can understand your comments too. I can see how I could be jealous of those who have a dad. For me it isnt so much about him only, but having an absence of a large family to help me through this. As I said before I have just my mum (who I do talk to) and my brother (who I dont tend to hear from in the same way). Both live at a distance. I look at other peoples families and think that they have more members though I know thats no measure and some larger families can be divided. I have to make the best of what I have got and know in some ways I am fortunate. I also do find it hard to talk to older men around my dads age or older. I think I should be talking to my dad not them - even though I am a good person and able to chat I dont feel that I want to in those circumstances.
Oh well I will continue to face all this event brings up
Thank you again.
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lurcherlou
member
Reged: 29/07/2009
Posts: 99
Loc: Warwickshire
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hardyeargirl, may I echo what the other ladies have said, you are only in the first few months of bereavement. My dad died suddenly 2 yrs and 8mths ago, he was only 67. The shock was considerable, but the most difficult thing for me was dealing with the complete change in my mother - it seemed that I had lost both parents as she ceased to function completely for many months. I would recommend bereavement counselling - my mother eventually went privately (as good as cruse are, you have to wait weeks to see anyone, and they were group sessions). She found it very beneficial to talk through her feelings about dad, and even other family members and she kept going for over 18 months. I miss my dad, but it no longer hurts and I now cherish my memories of him.
Bereavement is like learning to walk again, you start off crawling, progress to walking, and believe me - eventually you do run again.
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DeepBlue
member
Reged: 16/02/2008
Posts: 390
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Hi, I've sent you a private message. When you log on you'll see a red envelope flashing at User Options. Click on this and you'll be able to open my message (just in case you haven't done this before).
Regards
Pat aka DeepBlue
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hardyeargirl
member
Reged: 06/11/2009
Posts: 35
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Louisejn Thank you for your message and it is helpful to hear that you have survived what must have been a shocking loss. I am also sorry that your mum changed as a result and I hope that the bereavement counselling restored to her some sense of resilience and hope. It must be terrible to lose someone so close without warning - both of you. I will be patient with myself and ride this out during bereavement.
Pat I will reply to your private message. Im so new to the forums I hadnt realised I could get these but I will look shortly,
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beejay
member
Reged: 10/01/2008
Posts: 358
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Don't be hard on yourself.Four months is such a short time and such early days.Crying will help but try and take each day one at a time.It is many years since I lost my father and I still miss him and think about him all the time.My mother died before my children were born and so never met them,something I really miss.At least dad met them and knew them until they were 7 and 8.They have children of their own now and we still talk about grandpa and keep his memoryt alive.( I'm crying now).
Look after yourself.
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