adiboo
member
Reged: 09/06/2006
Posts: 327
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As the archetypal over-anxious mum I'm struggling with my OS's new-found spirit of independence. He's 16 and has always been quiet, sensitive and rather introverted, but has always had a nice circle of friends. Recently he's started going out and about more which is great, but I'm finding it hard to let go. I am trying so hard not to stifle him but can't help worrying about all the what-ifs.
He just came in from school and immediately asked if it was ok to go out with a couple of friends. Neither of them live close by and their plan is just to wander round. Trouble is it's pouring down and getting dark. I'm not worried that they're up to no good and he's working hard at school and deserves to go out and relax, but I find it hard to know where to draw the line. At least he asks. I suppose I'm just looking for a bit of reassurance from those of you who have been there too.
I hope this doesn't seem trivial; unfortunately my past experience is that things can go badly wrong, and I want to avoid putting all that on the shoulders of a 16 year-old.
Thanks for listening. x
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I can see clearly now my brain has gone.
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tuzanne
member
Reged: 17/07/2009
Posts: 436
Loc: Essex
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I remember when my son started doing this. There comes a time when they just want to hang out and his fav place was at the local town green. They certainly did get up to stuff there such as the odd cider or smoke but he never came to any real harm. I always made a rule that I wanted a text if he was going to be late and we set certain times that I felt comfortable with for home coming. Sometimes he slept over at friends places but only on non school nights and I always insisted on a telephone number incase I needed to call him. In the end it is good that he has started to spread his wings and this is the first step towards independence. I also always encouraged my son and his mates to come back to our place and I rather miss the big pile of large shoes at the door and the sound of them playing Smash Brothers on his X Box now he is at uni.
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Kezabel
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Reged: 11/03/2009
Posts: 2620
Loc: Round the Bend
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Hello adiboo
Know exactly how you feel. I have a 15yr old D and a 14yr old son. It is really difficult to get the right balance. You must of course do what you feel comfortable with and you are right that they need some relaxation time.
I must say I would not be happy with my kids wandering around in the dark. I would be much happier if they were meeting at one of their friend's houses or arranging to do something specific rather than just hanging round.
This is not intended to worry you further hopefully just to let you know that your concerns are normal!
Good luck!
Kez x
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JulieJ
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Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 549
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Oh Lord, you have my entire sympathy! My son is coming up to l6, and like yours, is, up till now (and still for the moment!) a quiet lad, not much given to gadding about. But what you describe is bound to come up anytimenow, and I know I have to be prepared for it.
Speaking entirely from intention and not experience (!) I would try and lay down some clear ground rules.
- He always takes his mobile, and it's always on, and he checks it for texts/voicemails from me (though I will promise not to leave 'Phone Your Mummy' messages!!!)
- He always tells me who is going around with and, preferably, I have met them in person, and also preferably, have a home number for them (in case of emergencies!)
- He always tells me where they are intending to be (eg, local shopping mall), and if there is a definite change of plan, just to phone/txt me. NOT to ask permission, but just so I know more or less whereabouts he is.
- He agrees a 'home-by' time with me, and if that looks like being breached he always phones me (live chat, not just voicemail or txt)
- PREFERABLY they have some 'goal' for the outing, not just wandering aimlessly.....! eg, going to Top Man to look for an item of clothing, going for a meal/coffee, going round to someone's house.
I would also want to run through an 'emergency plan', so that he knows what to do if someone is hit by a car, falls down stairs etc etc. Worse, how to behave if threatened by other youths - basically, hand over the mobiles, wallets, watches etc and do whatever it takes (eg run like hell!) to get away from them. This is no time to be stupidly brave! He should always know how to get back home (or a 'safe house' eg, a good friend where the parents will take him in!) if he is stranded for whatever reason. He always has 'home-getting' money, preferably not just in a (muggable) wallet but a fiver/tenner say in a separate pocket.
Anyway, those are jsut the ones I can think of - most grateful to hear of any others from other mums, especially if they are from experience, rather than just intention, like me.
I agree with you that it's impotant that our sons learn how to conduct themselves independently and safely, and we have to, as you say 'let go of the reins' but it's a question of just what length of rein we let them out on to begin with!
As for the issue of alcohol, I really don't know on that one - all I do know is that my son will not be the type to opt for beer (tastes too horrible!), but will be a sucker for alcopops I suspect (fruit juice masks the vodka....eeek)
All the best, fellow worried mum, Julie.
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scottishmags
member
Reged: 24/04/2009
Posts: 1302
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Hi adiboo
I've survived three kids going through this stage and it's hardest with the first one I think You know you have to let him go out don't you .. the alternative is a mummy's boy with no friends sitting at home. Do make sure he has a mobile phone with credit on it, and tell him that at any time, if he feels worried, however silly, he can call and one of you will be there. Tell him that if he gets into a situation where he needs your help, even if it's something he shouldn't be doing, you will not be angry; he must call you and you will come. If you're like me, you are not a judgemental mum, you just want them to be safe above all else.
However, I wouldn't be happy with them wandering about in the dark. Other people may be up to no good and three nice quiet 16-year-old lads can become a target. So suggestions :
I bought mine a year-long cinema ticket for Christmas; they could go as much as they liked and it was a safe place to be
They were members of a snooker club - again, indoors and brightly lit
Their friends were always welcome at our house - rather that than wandering the streets. I would feed them occasionally too
We didn't have a glass of wine on a Friday night and would taxi them about instead, and pick them up if we had to
We helped them with money for taxis and encouraged them to share with a friend
Now I'm describing all that, I can recall that it was quite a tough few years and I'm glad it's over!!
Your son sounds a lovely lad and he's communicating with you which is great
Nothing I can say will stop you worrying a bit btw as that's what mums do ..
Good luck
Mags
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PLASMO
member
Reged: 13/03/2008
Posts: 12971
Loc: FLOUNCELAND
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Adiboo,
If more parent were like you, there would be so much less concerns about the young today.
I have a couple of forum friends, Kez is one of them, and Spangle, is another, and I am so impressed with the way they both always consider their children, in everything they do, they are indeed, good parents.
It is so hard to let go of the reins, I remember so well when my son was that age, I wanted to know, where he was going, who he was going to be with, and I know at the time, he resented me, he was my only son, and you would be a strange Mum if you were not constantly worried about their welfare.
He is now grown up, and I am proud to say, he has grown up into a really good man, and he often says to us, we went about disciplining him in the correct way, even though if you had asked him that then, his answer would have been different.
Adiboo, just hope that he has the good sense, to have listened to your words of wisdom, and I am sure he will be fine, I think sometimes we need to give them more credit than we do.
Plasmo x
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xxxSummerxxx
member
Reged: 29/03/2008
Posts: 10524
Loc: Billericay,Essex
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Hello There,I completely understand where you are coming from,My d's are 19 and 20 and for me I must say the first real worry was when they had both learnt to drive and bought cars.
I still worry particulary about the 19 year old,where is she? who with? the drink/drive aspect,if she isnt are her friends? The concerns go on. Drugs, as we all know it goes on where ever we live.
We as parents can only lay the foundations and hope that they make the right choices in life whether conventional or otherwise....
In a nutshell i still worry.....
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tuzanne
member
Reged: 17/07/2009
Posts: 436
Loc: Essex
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I agree with the other ladies who said make sure he has a phone with credit on it. I took out a contract mobile for both my kids to make sure that they could always contact us, and they never abused it by spending too much and I felt so much better knowing I could contact them whenever I wanted.
Also agree with Mags who welcomed friends into her home like I did with my son and his mates, but I am afraid that although you have given some good advise Julie, I am afraid that your son's tastes in drink might change over the next couple of years. I remember a time when my son hated the taste of beer, and now that he is in his third year at Uni, I can honestly say that he seems to have acquired a taste for it.
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ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
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Such great advice from everyone. My son is also 16 so I know what you are going through. Really have a think about what you can do to allow him his independence, but still keep your sanity. My son has a mobile and when out it always has to be switched on and he has to answer any calls he gets from me. If he is going to go somewhere other than where we agreed,he has to call and tell me. He has a time that he has to be home, and if he is going to be late,he has to call me(but he is only allowed to be late if there is a good reason). We have discussed the potential dangers out there and what to do in any given situation should it arise(basically if it looks bad, remove himself immediately!). Encourage his friends to come over and be available to drive them where they want to go and pick them up,this is not just for them, it is also a way of you quietly monitoring who his friends are My son is not allowed to just be out wandering vaguely...especially at night. He has to have a plan of where he is going and who he will be with,whose house he will be at ect. Once you have established all this with him..it does need a discussion, and he does need to know the rules, all you can do is grit your teeth and let him go.We never stop worrying about them, no matter how old they are but we do have to let them go..it is I think, the hardest part of being a mum. Row
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adiboo
member
Reged: 09/06/2006
Posts: 327
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Wow. Thank you all so much for your comments. I'm so glad I posted because this has been really helpful. I'm going to make a list of your suggestions and work through them over the weekend. This situation has only arisen since the hour changed; ironically having posted this my son wandered in like a drowned rat within the hour. Maybe hanging out in the rain has lost it's appeal a bit.
I've tried to make his mates welcome here, and will keep making the point that they don't need to be out in the cold. Mags, I agree that food is probably the key. I am lucky to have a boy who generally has his head screwed on right. It would be good to get to a point where he can make good decisions for himself, not just me laying down the law, and that will take a bit of practice for both of us.
Sadly one of his friend's dad's was attacked by a gang some years ago and has had a long and hard recovery. However this means that these boys of ours know there are dangers out there, and this particular boy is so anti-alcohol that he won't go out with them if he thinks there might be any. So at the moment that's one thing we don't have to worry about too much.
Anyway, thank you again. This is such a great way to share our worries. I do feel much better with a plan. Onward and upward.
Judith x
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I can see clearly now my brain has gone.
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gre1958
member
Reged: 15/08/2008
Posts: 1078
Loc: Staffordshire
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Well firstly give yourself a big pat on the back for being concerned enough to worry about what your son is doing and his welfare !!
It is so hard being a parent and think gets harder as years go on (SORRY !)
the other ladies have summed it all up really - mobile charged essential and just knowing he can contact you whatever & whenever he needs is a good thing
been there with 2 girls (never sure if it is worse or better with girls !!) they are in middle twenties now and I still have to know they are safe and they always have to ring me when they get back from trips !!
think it's the same whatever sex - they are our children no matter how old they are !
Like the wise Plasmo has said with your support and love they turn into great young people - so take deep breath and keep doing what you are doing - X
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
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At 16 he's old enough to leave school, get a job, even get married (with parental permission). It's time to start to let go. I know you still want to protect him but one of the important things in growing up is learning to make your own mistakes and get yourself out of them.
Presumably he's in from school by 4:30 so I don't think going straight out again is unreasonable so long as he's scheduling sufficient time for studying. When I was 16 the rules tended to be in by 9pm on school nights,and if I went to a village disco or a party on a Friday or Saturday night then I'd be picked up at midnight. Sunday nights I worked in the local pub until 10pm.
At 16 hanging out with friends is what you want to do. Whether it's wandering arounds shops or just sitting in the local bus shelter chatting. At least your son's getting home from school and then asking to go out, so many just hang out after school and go home when they feel like it...
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carsma
member
Reged: 13/02/2009
Posts: 3274
Loc: Berks
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Worrying time isn't it. I was lucky neither son or daughter went out except to pursuits until 18, and when there were driving I worried so much. They are better than me.......
Carsma x
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