suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 452
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Hi girls. I have my 22 year old daughter living with Husband(his house) and son aged 18, disabled, and me. She dropped out of college last Feb. Tried London but too expensive. She was living with her dad until this year, she says his place is still her official home.
She stays in her room, new bed installed, nice room,only coming out for Loo or at night.She occasionally goes out with friends, and is often on laptop or mobile phone. Rarely communicates with us, never with brother.All meals she will have alone, i take food up to her, also check if she s ok.She says she is used to looking after herself.Surgery on mouth coming up, i have promised to care for her if she will allow me too.No job, no college. She has Trust money from her Dad.
I find her behaviour strange, im not sure what to do.Is this behaviour strange or simply a girl living as she wishes?
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scottishmags
member
Reged: 24/04/2009
Posts: 1302
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Hi suejane
It sounds like an isolated way to live. Is she very worried about the surgery coming up - is it a big op? Does that explain how she is behaving and do you think things will change after the surgery?
I think, in your place, I wouldn't be serving her meals in her room to be honest. Generally, people living in the same house eat together most of the time .. and in fact she should be taking a turn to cook for you. She isn't "looking after herself" is she .. you are doing that.
Some people might say she is being very selfish but I also wonder whether she can really be happy living in the way you describe .. I think you are right to be concerned. Does your daughter know how you feel and do you find it difficult to raise the subject with her?
Mags
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jayney45
member
Reged: 21/10/2009
Posts: 60
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hi there, you must be very concerned about your daughter. it sounds to me as if she is trying to shut herself away. she could be depressed. does she have any friends you could ring and ask how she has been? i have an 18yr old daughter, and she too spends alot of time in her room watching tv, laptop and music, but i do go up frequently just to have a little chat with her and to see what shes up to. i do think girls that age like their privacy, but it sounds like ur dauaghter has cut herself off from ur family. i would not allow meals to be eaten in the room, i think mealtimes are family times, when you can all sit together and discuss what ur days been like. you must be worried, maybe you could suggest a trip out for lunch together or even just a coffee. having no job can really bring you down, my daughter also is out of work after finishing college, i try to help her in different ways because i think they start to loose faith in themselves, especially when they get rejected. the jobcentre can give lots of informative information into getting back to work. i really feel for you and your daughter, but having a little mum and daughter time together may help u both good luck.
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 6188
Loc: runcorn
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suejane, I have followed your other posts concerning your worries and fears about your own life and concerns for your son over the past year.
This is just my own take on this, but do you think that she sees you not being happy in your life but not making changes and is following on from your lead. Stop taking food up to her, she's 22. Yes it's difficult when college courses fall through but life is difficult and the number one lesson in life is resilience. Feel sorry for yourself when things go wrong, but don't make it an excuse to cut yourself off.
With love, your straight-talking Chilla x
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I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
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blossom97
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 4571
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I would never allow meals to be eaten in a bedroom unless someone was ill....thats the place to start....get her to come down to eat, even if she doesnt commiunicate for the whole meal.You could even start by allowing her to sit away from the table, but then encourage her to join you after a while.
i too have followed your posts over the last year.Thimgs dont seem to be getting any better and I feel sorry for you , I really do , but you have to take the bull by the horns and do something before your daughter becomes totally isolated.
With love, The not - normally-so -straight -talking - Blossomx
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WoodyM
member
Reged: 01/04/2009
Posts: 670
Loc: Cheshire
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I have say this is strange behaviour, all teenagers go thru funny stages like this but she is 22 and should not be acting like this. I agree with the others, first thing stop the meals in the bedroom, you cant force them to communicate or join in but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind so put your foot down over certain issues.....dont worry about jobs/college until the surgery is over.......good luck.....
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ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
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Hi Suejane..Sounds like she is depressed and the isolation is all part of that. Its ok of course for her to live as she wishes at her age..however, that doesnt mean that she doesnt have the responsibility of at least being civil to you and everyone else in the home!(im sorry if that sounds harsh). It isnt healthy for her to be eating every meal alone in her room, and (because you love her dearly) you are enabling her to continue.Have a heart to heart with her and tell her your worries about her 'living' in her room the way she is.I think you need to expect more from her.I think people do need a bit of space if things are worrying them and every person needs their own little santuary to hide in sometimes but its worrying if it starts to become a way of life. It is a very hard situation for you, I truly hope that you can work it out with her. Row
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 452
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Thanks for replies. It seems she behaved like this when living with her dad and 2 brothers. Dad was often out working or somewhere elses and she was left with the boys who fought a lot. I think it is a pattern she got into then.She told me dad never minded her eating in her room.
She does see friends somtime, none of them live in this city, but tells me she cant go back to live at dads due to bullying in that small town,
. The Op is much needed to sort her teeth out, we hope the NHS will do it, she isnt worried just wants it done.She will cook for herself if she realises we are not here.All she asks is that we leave her alone but i always make sure she is ok and try to chat to her.
Thankyou for your thoughts. She has tried suicide at dads 3 times, but she would send me a message and we managed to get help for her then.Thanks for your help xx
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
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Suejane, I remember you asking similar questions about your daughter before. I'd just shout that tea's on the table and let her come and get it. You certainly shouldn't be acting like a waitress for her. You say she's got a trust fund. As she's an adult is she paying you and your husband for her keep - if she's not then there's no incentive for her to stick to a college course or get work? Maybe if she had a reason to leave the house in the morning she'd become more communicative (althought she could just be one of the world's loners).
Just as an aside, you're still mentioning that it's your husband's house - please, please stop thinking that way. It's YOUR MARITAL HOME (sorry to shout). You and your children have every right to be there and you sound as though you're grateful to him for putting a roof over your head. Please don't put yourself down this way - you're not the lodger, you're the most important person in your husband's life and it's your home too regardless whose name is on the deeds.
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 7995
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Hi suejane
I'm another one who has followed your posts over the past year. Life doesn't seem to be getting any easier for you. I know you had surgery earlier this year, I hope you are now fully recovered.
I can understand your concern regarding your daughter. She does seem very isolated. I realise she is awaiting surgery, but can she do some volunteer work in some area which interests her? She is a young adult woman and her life seems very isolating at present. What is she doing in her room all day? If she is not working, she could at the very least help you by cooking a meal a week or taking over the ironing.
Good luck - take care x.
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I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
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hardyeargirl
member
Reged: 06/11/2009
Posts: 35
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Suejane
Im sorry that your daughter doesnt seem herself at the moment and acts in a way to cause you some concern. I dont know what led to her dropping out of college, was it the course, the expense, work demands, or stress? Did you talk to her at the time? Just because she didnt continue with this course does not mean she wont return to education or be successful. I had a very difficult time in my late teens and twenties too dropping out of university not long into the first year. But I have done some forms of learning since then. I just found that learning and the pressure of uni wasnt for me, plus I was battling a serious eating disorder, it all became too much.
Your daughter sounds as though she isolates herself and doesnt come out a lot or communicate. She is saying she is alright though I can appreciate you find that hard to believe. I dont know if the operation she is to have is a major one and if she is troubled by this prospect. How long will it take her to recover and will she need any brace or something permanent after that it may take her time to get used to? (I dont know the type of procedure) I dont know how long she has known she needs this surgery and is happy with going ahead.
With her solitary behaviour maybe she is going through a hard time, has had a breakup or there is actually a clinical depression affecting her. Being withdrawn may be part of this diagnosis (which is made by a GP or psychiatrist), you could possibly check out other symptoms of depression through good websites eg Mind, Royal College of Psychiatrists and see if any fit given your impression of her outlook on things. If she is on the internet a lot of the time perhaps she is caught up with communicating a lot with friends that way or in a rut of engaging with this rather than real life. Maybe her confidence has taken a knock for some reason. All my ideas here are speculation of course!
her needs may change in any case after her operation and once she is over that perhaps she will talk more.
I dont know whether anything else is worrying her, you say your other son is disabled so I dont know if she is concerned about his heatlh or how he is managing - or you are managing if he has extra care needs. She may be very sensitive too, I dont know her but you do and will find the way to unlock what is keeping her quiet and low key.
You could talk to her GP about your concerns though the onus on her would be to see the doctor herself, that is the only way consultations can be done in these circumstances.
I really hope that she does emerge from her shell and communicate more and get out. I know it must feel sad for a parent when 20s are a time to socialise and enjoy freedom and being young and beautiful. But I think they can also be an incredibly difficult period to get through for some of us. Keep an eye on her and show you care though be careful not to be too intrusive which she may resent, a hard balance I know.
Is there anything she may want to do with you that you could tempt her with or a tv show to watch together?
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 452
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Thankyou for your kind replies. I have discovered that daughter is deeply in money debt. Any bills sent to her home adress her dad collects and sends here. She is still in touch with him and refuses to tell us anything so of course we are powerless to help, part of the game i suppose.My Husband has given up, we have enough worry caring for her brother, who she will not speak too, husband has given her a roof over her head and food of course but wont be involved any further.Her Dad wants a peaceful retirement from Social Work and we suspect she has been told not to return home but to stay here with us, as her mum i couldnt let her live on the streets.
I will continue to care for her and hopefully she might feel better after her op.She chats happily to friends and Dad but rarely to us.I think this may be a Young persons way sometimes, we will keep an eye on this situation and at somepoint something will have to be sorted out. Best wishes xx
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