teen
member
Reged: 03/10/2009
Posts: 1
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Need advice from anyone who's been there. I'm feeling so sad that after 27 years of married life I don't know if I can carry on any longer. My other half is still the man I married all those years ago, literally, he still carries on as a 24 year old when in fact he's now 50. Friday nights out with his mates, saturdays playing golf all day and then beers after, he's happy, he thinks its me that's got the problem and that I need to get a life. Maybe I do, my two daughters are now grown women with lives of their own and I'm left on my own with the dogs for company most weekends. Occasionally we do have nights out with friends but very rarely together on our own. I don't like the idea of spending the rest of my life living and feeling as I do now, he won't change, he's always told me that, so its me that has to and I don't know how brave i am to do things for myself. Teen
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slinky
member
Reged: 08/01/2009
Posts: 164
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I have sent you a private message Teen, either click on the flashing envelope under 'logout.'at the top or go to your homepage to find it.
I can only say that if things get bad enough you will find the courage to do what you need to do. Nothing is as bad as you think it will be and you will be amazed at what you can achieve.
Good luck and best wishes to you.
Slinky
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Goingbackwards
member
Reged: 22/08/2008
Posts: 2648
Loc: Isle of Wight
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Hi teen, sorry to hear you are so down about things. Men often do not grow up and yours isnt going to now.
So now you must make a life for you...that involves just you.. dont know where you live but hows about joining a supper, walking or book club. You will meet lots of new friends and get to do lots of things with other ladies and have a good time.
Think that your marriage is stale rather than past its sell by date..so get a life of your own..join in what you can here and I am sure with a more social and fulfilling life of your own things will pick up at home.
x
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PLASMO
member
Reged: 13/03/2008
Posts: 12971
Loc: FLOUNCELAND
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Hi there Teen,
What a shame, that after 27 years your OH doessnt give you the time and respect you so rightly deserve.
You are obviously extremely unhappy, and I can well understand why.
I think he is being totally unreasonable, and it is about time, he considered what you might wish to do for a change.
No one objects to their OHs doing their own thing, but not to the detriment of neglecting their partner.
If he is not happy to change, then perhaps you must tell him that his actions are making you extremely unhappy, and that you are not prepared to continue living your life this way.
Sorry, I cant be more helpful to you teen, I do hope things improve.
Plasmo x
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tuzanne
member
Reged: 17/07/2009
Posts: 436
Loc: Essex
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My OH has Friday night out with mates after long busy week doing long hours at work and I think he deserves this, but I think your OH is being unreasonable and selfish to spend all Saturday playing golf and then going out for drinks after. Does this mean you never get to have a Saturday night out yourself? Are these drinks just a quick one after the game or do they extend into the night.
I would talk seriously to him about what he wants from your relationship. Does he just want to live a batchelor life? He should talk to a few of his single mates and find out what that is like. It may sound great to be able to do what you want, when you want, but then it can get very lonely living alone and having noone in the house when you get in from work.
What do you what out of life? What exactly would you want to do with your OH if he were available to go out more often? Tell him what you want to do and see if he is up for it. Maybe you haven't actually suggested any particular thing you would want to do. Perhaps you could make a thing of going out once a month to see live theatre or a film together. Why don't you invite people around for supper on Saturdays and tell him he just has to make sure he is back in time to help out.
He might have a point in that you have not mentioned having any particular interests of your own. Why don't you join a Salsa class or Book club, or go on a local W&H supper club night out.
In the end you both have to consider if 27 yrs of marriage is worth saving.
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Bev1961
member
Reged: 13/10/2009
Posts: 40
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Hi thare, as others have said 27 years is along time, and if you want another 27 you have to BOTH find a way to be happy.
If you work could you go out with colleagues once in a while, or if you don't work do you fancy doing a college course or some volunteer work. All you need to do is find a way to meet others and give yourself an interest away from home and you will gain so much for yourself, and it will enrich your life beyond your day to day life.
Sometimes people need to live it before they realise how they make others feel, so if he had to spend an evening alone with only the dogs for company once in a while it may do him good and he would then see how lonely your life is getting and want to spend more time with just you.
Hope I have given you some helpful ideas.
Take care because we care. X
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buckup
member
Reged: 08/04/2008
Posts: 156
Loc: whitstable Kent
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Oh hello Teen.....I just read you post and I went all goose pimplie..................you must be my twin........I was there where you are 3 years ago. I even have the 2 grown up daughters like you ! (I didn't have 2 dogs though!) And was married for 28 years.
Everyones situation is different so I can only tell you mine. Please do PM me if you'd like.
I was in you situation my OH was a married batchelor. He was out 4-5 evenings in the week and played golf most days & most weekends I've never been so lonely in my life.
I went to councelling alone cos he was happily married and I wasn't . He came to 1 session because the councellor requested it.
He stood up and said there was nothing wrong with him ,it was all i my mind and then he left.
By sheer chance I met another man whilst I was visiting my father and sailing in a regatta.
It completly threw me that I could feel lke I did about someone else.
I left and my new man and I have been together now for 3 years.
My (half way to being) Ex unfortunatly had a breakdown after I'd gone so it's all been very sad and difficult.
Anyway I know how you feel.
Please dont beat your self up.
Do join a W&H supper club they are really good for talking to other woman.
Look after your self and your emotions come what may.
Do get councelling for your self if you are the sort of person that thinks it would help you.
Lastly good luck life can be so difficult. you will do the right thing in the end. Do PM me if you want to chat.
Hugs and love xxx
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follydolly
member
Reged: 19/10/2009
Posts: 41
Loc: cheshire england
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Why is it it's always us females that end up feeling like this? Feel so sorry for you that after 27 years you feel so unhappy. I know so many women( like myself) who have grown up children and now seem to be at a loss as to how to spend their time. My OH has his footie, golf, marching band etc, I have a little black dog for company. Maybe it's my own fault, never making time to do things for myself, always feeling the need to be at home if ever I was needed. Empty nest is looming and I realise I have to make my own hobbies. Finding this forum has been one of my saviours. I hope you manage to sort things and find happier times.
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ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
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Hello. Your life was busy bringing up your children,now they are fully grown..its time to turn your attention back to you.We can all get into a rut and get to the point where it seems just too hard to get out of it..well it is hard in the beginning..but by taking a few first steps..you make a start and then it gets easier as your confidence grows. You do need to get yourself out there and build up a life of your own...that doesnt have to be as frightening as it sounds..evening classes doing something you love,volunteering(maybe a rescue shelter) dog walking clubs, take yourself off for the weekend and stay with a friend, or if you dont have anyone you could visit, book yourself into a dog friendly hotel for the weekend, somewhere with great walking country and go and have fun with your dog. Now is the time to focus on yourself, not only will this make your life richer, more varied and a whole lot more fun,but it may make you feel more confident in getting your point of view across to your husband.Most of all,do it for you...you deserve to have a happy life..it is there waiting..just be brave and go out there and get it. I wish you the best. Row
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carsma
member
Reged: 13/02/2009
Posts: 3276
Loc: Berks
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Hi Folly dolly
We are the ones that find ourselves redundant after years of looking after the kids, because that's what we do, look after everyone, then they fly the nest and we have to let go.
Sure it's hard for guys too, they have to support us and keep us going and it must be a lot of stress for them too, then we are left alone and we have both lost the plot.
Suppose we have to rediscover what we fell in love with in the first place, too late for me, but worth working on for others. If you can't then make time for yourself and do stuff you want to do, he does so why not you too ??!!
Carsma x
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 549
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I agree with the other posts about getting out and about yourself and basically having a lovely 'bachelor girl' life the same as your husband does! (well, 'bachelor boy'....).
I would say, give that a go, and if you find you are becoming happier again - happy enough - then you have your solution. But if you find that it's still insufficient, then I would say you have two options - try to repair your marriage so that you actually HAVE a marriage (rather than two bachelors cohabiting!), or call time, and set off on your own totally. And maybe find another (better) husband.
However, one thing I would most definitely urge - you don't mention who is actually (a) bringing in the money and (b) doing the house work/care.
Do I take it your husband is still at work (as opposed to retired) and he is the breadwinner? If so, then why not try and earn some money yourself, and that will give you a much better sense of independence and freedom.
Secondly, housework - is it you doing all this (and the cooking/washing etc?). If you are, and it's ony your husband's wage coming in, then I guess it's fair to continue to 'wait on him' (as I assume you are doing?), as that is your work (and your 'wage' is using his money to buy food, put a roof over your head etc etc). If so, then what kind of spending money do you have yourself? I say this because if your husband is only paying you 'house care wage' then you should have some extra yourself - in fact, you should, if you are working as hard as he is, get half of all his left-over income, and be able to spend on yourself exactly what he spends on himself with his mates/ golf etc etc. No way is it HIS money! (and if he thinks it is, then simply stop cooking etc for him.....)
I would definitely advise sort out the money/work situation first, preferably earn some of your own (as well), and then do your share of the housework, and take your share of the fun-stuff income, and spend it on yourself.
All the best, Julie.
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
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I think there's a bit of truth in him saying you need to get a life, but he also needs to learn to compromise.
It sounds as though he's been allowed to fall into this pattern over many years (or maybe forced to because all your attention's been taken by the children). I wonder if there was any point him being home on Saturdays - was it a day that was based around taxi-ing the children about rather than a day for the family to be together? I've seen this with some of my friends who have children - the wife usually chooses to stay at home with the children rather than saying "I need my share of days/nights out" from the start (one didn't even want to leave the children with her OH while she went out with friends let alone a babysitter so they could go out together) and then wonders why her husband refuses to change when the children no longer need her looking after them evenings and weekends.
It's a difficult thing to resolve. I think you need to find things to do for yourself (and if you're not working perhaps think about a job so you've got something to fill the days too and some financial independence so you can afford to go out more) and then to start suggesting you do things together. To start with try suggesting doing something on an evening he's not usually out and then you can move on to "how about I drop you off at golf then I can pick you up and we can have a meal out that evening - I'll drive so you can have a beer before I pick you up".
PS I'd love to still be the same person I was at 24 and now your children are grown up you've got the opportunity to be that person again. Have fun, join a supper club, find something you'd like to do on Saturdays. Remember the housework will wait...
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 6805
Loc: Leicestershire
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Hi Teen,
It's obvious what he should do and feel towards you, but it's how to make him change that's the issue.
Is it possible to choose a time when you will be able to talk uninterrupted? Then just ask him how he sees marriage, and what he expects from his wife, and if what you have together fulfills his needs from a wife.
Then you tell him how you see marriage, what you expect from a husband and how you feel that your needs within the marriage are not being met.
You can say that you still love him, that you want this marriage to improve, and for that to happen the two of you need to make changes and reach a compromise, so that he gets to do what he enjoys and you get more from youyr marriage.
If he is willing to talk in order to make you happier and will compromise, then you can work together to improve the marriage.
But, if you hit a brick wall, in that he is resolute, not being willing to listen and not willing to make any changes, then you have a difficult choice to make.
If you consider that the only person you can change is you, and not someone else, then you have to make a life for yourself, whether that be inside or outside this relationship.
the choice is yours......always remember there is a choice.
Good luck.x
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 549
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Do you spend any 'us' time together at all? eg, holidays? Shopping? Meals out? Visiting/entertaining friends/relations? Would he compromise by say allocating one w/e a month when, at least on the Saturday, the two of you went and did something you both enjoy? That doesn't seem too much to ask!
Best, Julie
(PS - don't want to sound intrusive, but is your sex life going the same direction as your social life? I ask because I would think it's a bit unusual to have a very healthy and affectionate/passionate sex life and yet no time spent together socially!) (And is he affectionate towards you at all?)(ie, not when he just wants it to lead to something more passionate!)
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