jayney45
member
Reged: 21/10/2009
Posts: 60
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im so frustrated. yes sorry to still be rambling on but my ongoing problem with my o h. i am at my wits end here. we are just not getting on and when i try to confront him with this issue he just says stupid things like "I DONT LIKE CONFRONTATION" and then trys to act normal with me. im so frustrated i could scream, wht am i gonna do with this man. i just cannot see eye to eye with him and everything he does is winding me up even more. it gets me so worked up, then im juming down the kids throat for nothing. god knows what they must think. i just cant carry on like this, only problem is that i have nowhere to go if i left him, no family etc, also he has said he would neer leave this house, so what can i do. i just cant see spending the rest of my life feeling like this. help!
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Thimble
member
Reged: 04/12/2008
Posts: 4321
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Oh dear............... what a situation. If he doesn't like confrontation how about writing him a letter with all your grievances in it. Then ask him if he will discuss it. It is difficult to rectify a situation if the other person will not discuss it. Does he actually acknowledge that there are major problems within your marriage or is he burying his head in the sand?
Why not try relate. They are not there just for couples to go but you could go on your own to discuss the situation and see what they have to say. Just a thought.
It must be hard on the children to see an unhappy household as well.
I wish you luck and hope that you find a way to sort it out.
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jayney45
member
Reged: 21/10/2009
Posts: 60
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yes, he does know we have a problem but he wont get into a discussion. i feel guilty because as u say its an unhappy house when hes in, its hard to be "normal" in front of the kids. thanku for informing me about relate, didnt know u can go on ur own, may give it a try.
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ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
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Hello jayney...men can be so frustrating(Im being ultra polite here!)...seems to me, if you cant get him to talk about it and you are stuck where you are just now, the only option I can see is to find a way to learn to live with it so it doesnt impact you and your life so much.
A mammoth task I know. I agree with thimble, relate would be a good start...just for you, sort of 'me' therapy.There is no point trying to confront him if that doesnt make the situation any better...honestly,they are just completely hopeless sometimes!!
If you can get to a place within yourself so that anything he says/does just doesnt wind you up anymore, you will be able to get on and live your life without all this turmoil, until he sorts himself out. I am not underestimating how difficult this is...but as I explained in another post, I have been in this situation, and thats what I did.
We only have one life to lead, and if a negative situation is making us unhappy, we can either get out of the situation(which you have said will be impossible for you) or learn to truly live within it..that means getting on with your life, enjoying your kids,doing things that you love to do ect ect..and feeling at peace with that.
Take care jayney, its possible to deal with this and make it better for yourself. Row xx
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teacher
member
Reged: 27/12/2008
Posts: 376
Loc: on the sofa
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Have you tried getting a free session with a solicitor to see if you can get your husband to leave home...or are you hoping to work through your problems?
Good luck!
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WoodyM
member
Reged: 01/04/2009
Posts: 670
Loc: Cheshire
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Read thru some of yr previous posts.....obviously things are not just going to magically improve and only time will tell if you both have a future together....but as many posters have said becareful what you wish for....
I think you need to sort your health out first, did you go to the Docs...you have had major stress and you shouldnt deal with it alone and dont forget men suffer stress also....
If he is not going to deal with issues you must take control, do you know exactly what it is about him that is driving you mad...write a list and see you can deal with some of them yourself. Most of us have been here....Ive plotted my escape many times!! but thankfully we have just celebrated our 25th however, I could still list the things about him that drive me nuts......thats men for you!!!
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Lisianthus
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 1375
Loc: Sussex
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I am so sorry you feel like this. I do understand and am now nearly divorced (but my situation is because of a cheating husband).
In the short term I think you desperately need a break. Could you manage a day/couple of days in a health spa to be pampered and recharge your batteries? Or an overnight stay with a friend?
I know you have children but you will be of no use to them if you become ill through stress and exhaustion. Even a few long walks on your own, kicking leaves, would be therapeutic.
Also, please see your doctor for help and advice. Personally I didn't like Relate (did it for 4 months though) and preferred to speak to a counsellor on my own. My 'husband' did talk there, but a lot don't and then you get angrier!
Please Google 'Wikivorce' and join for free. They are people in very similar situations, have free advice from solicitors and instant chat rooms for advice. Fantastic site! 
Take care and have a long bubble bath to be alone for a while.
PM me if you want to.
With love,
Janine xxx
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My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. (Edith Wharton)
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xxxSummerxxx
member
Reged: 29/03/2008
Posts: 10524
Loc: Billericay,Essex
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Hi ya, Have you thought about going to Citizens advice,they are very good and only ask for a donation.
To try and keep your mind off things have you thought about going to a Supperclub?
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 6806
Loc: Leicestershire
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Ok, if he won't discuss problems in order to reach a better understanding, then that is menatal cruelty and grounds for divorce.....it just is!
And if he thinks he can stay in the house, then he's wrong.Either it gets sold and divided or the person with residency order for the children stays there until the children finish full time education.
Boy, do you need advice...get yourself to a solicitor and quickly!
The days are long gone where wives had to put up and shut up because the man won't leave!!
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45ginny
member
Reged: 12/08/2009
Posts: 261
Loc: Sheffield Sth Yorkshire
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Hi Jayney advice, advice, advice. You need to speak to someone very soon or you will be no use to anyone. If he knows there are problems and won't do anything then you will need to take the lead.
Pluck up the courage on Monday and try to speak to CAB, Relate or a solicitor.
Good luck Ginny45
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Lucindabeech
member
Reged: 07/08/2009
Posts: 8
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Hi Janey
I havent read your previous posts so only know what you have said from this one.
It is interesting to hear how so many of the members have had similiar problems in their relationships, all intelligent people and many have stuck with it.
Your post reminds me of my relationship with my ex-husband, I felt like screaming sometimes. We did not go to relate or seek any kind of help. We did seperate and I had to leave my lovely home, he got to keep the children with him as I worked and he didnt.
I now have a new partner and have my children whenever I'm off.
Happy ending? Not really. I really miss living with my children, financially much of my money goes to my children and I have had to start all over again, new house, furniture etc.
Life has many ups and downs, many compromises are needed. I note that you dont have the support of a family to turn to, therefore you must take support from somewhere else.
Please take advice from all of these clever ladies who have seen it, done it and been there.
At least if it doesnt work out, you can always say you've tried.
Best if luck to you.
x
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PLASMO
member
Reged: 13/03/2008
Posts: 12981
Loc: FLOUNCELAND
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Good Morning Janey45,
It is obvious you are terribly unhappy with your situation, but unfortunately, only one person can do something about it, and that person is you?
It is not an ideal situation to ever leave a home, but if you have children and you can no longer bear living with your man, then you must make some decisions, and fast!
Many years ago, my mother had three young children, and a husband who was a bully, she wanted to escape, but then, there was nowhere to escape to, whereas nowadays, there is a lot of help out there for women in your position.
I think first of all, you need to assess the situation, first and foremost, just tell your husband exactly how you feel, would any kind of counselling help you? could you get yourself re-housed, you are obviously very upset, and understandably so.
Janey, the years pass so quickly, dont put up with a situation, try and do something about it for the sake of your happiness and that of your children.
Plasmo x
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pura_vida231
member
Reged: 01/02/2009
Posts: 54
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wikivorce is indeed an excellent site but the chat room has been closed. Still a lot of very useful free resources and I can't recommend it highly enough.
Hope you can sort things out soon.
I wish you well in trying to sort out a happier home life.
Pura x
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marie50
member
Reged: 07/07/2007
Posts: 950
Loc: cleckheaton west yorkshire
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Janey, please don't put up and shut up with this situation. If it's making you unhappy, you need to take matters into your own hands, quickly. Tell him that if he doesn't start to discuss this with you that you will file for divorce, see what happens. If he thinks you're bluffing, go and see a solicitor. My ex had a fit when he found out i'd been to see one, despite the fact he'd been having an affair for 6 months ! It's a pride thing i think ! He sounds like a bit of a bully, you probably would have grounds for divorce for unreasonable behaviour. You'll get some free advice from most solicitors, try more than one. He obviously thinks he can stay in the house and that you will have to leave, you don't say how old your children are but as mentioned before, he cant force you to leave until they finish full time education. You really shouldn't have to put up with this from him, he's not being fair, don't let him have control. I've been where you are now and i wish i'd taken control much sooner than i did, i wouldn't have made myself ill as i did. I was so scared of what the future held but now, 7 years down the road, i'm happy being on my own with my children and it's with hindsight that i can see what he was doing to me. He was doing this before he had an affair too and i let him. Please please get some advice, even if it's only to wind him up !!
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Bev1961
member
Reged: 13/10/2009
Posts: 40
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Hi Janey I so feel for you, it is an awful situation to be in, I was in a similar situation many years ago and my brother one day said to me "What you tell your daughter to do if it was her" it was the best advice ever.
Sometimes we put up with a problem because it is only ourselves that are suffering, when what we should remember is that we are people with rights and feelings and if others are not putting them on the list of priorities then we should put them there as we would for one of our own children. Hope this helps.
Take care because we care. X
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Elly59
member
Reged: 03/10/2009
Posts: 10
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Dear Janey
All the advice you have received is good - act on it - you need to get help for both your physical and mental well-being - by the sound of it you have reached the end of your rope. I have been married for 35 yrs and seperated for the last 5 - on our 30th anniversary I looked in the mirror and realised that if I lived as long as my mother I had another 30 years to look forward to - I left! My OH was to all appearances a kind put upon man and I did not appreciate him - well come and live with me - he was also bully - mental abuse is equally as devestating as physical abuse but there are no visible scars. We lived together but apart - he would never engage in any discussion regarding our relationship - I was the one who worked myself into a state - he would walk away. My children are adults but they were very angry when I left - but now they can see how much better my life is - they also remember the awful rows and how it affected them and that upset me as I was not aware of it at the time. A friend of mine has a lovely expression "Move his dog bowl" - simply put change your behaviour - do not do what he expects you to do - instead of trying to confront him just get on with your own life - concentrate on the children and especially yourself -get the professional help the others have suggested and then decide how to progress - do you want to reconcile or is it over - stay or go it is a big decision either way. I do not know you but like many others I do recognise you - we have all been there in some shape or form - please do not be the woman looking back from the mirror having wasted all those years - take control of your life.
Best wishes
Elly
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
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Jayney, do you want to sort things out with him and find a way to keep your marriage going or do you want out? If you want to keep your marriage then look at why he mentions 'confrontation' when you "confront him". No one likes feeling they're being got at, picked on etc. Your post sounds as though you're getting so frustrated with him that there's no way you can sit down and discuss things calmly. Can you try to talk things through without saying "you must/must not", "you've done/haven't done"? Can you try "perhaps WE need to do..." or "what can I do to help". Yes, it might not be your fault the relationship is in trouble but if confronting him won't get him to talk you need to find another way and if accepting that there are two people responsible for every good relationship and equally two people responsible for every bad relationship and approaching him differently might help (you might need to go outside and scream afterwards, but it's worth trying a different approach). And if all else fails, find a solicitor. To stay just because you've got nowhere to run to isn't fair on either of you or the children. Start to look at rental prices and work out how much you need for a deposit and first month's rent - yes, you won't have the same standard of home as you've got now but if you really want out then take whatever's going (it's unlikely you can get him to leave the marital home unless you're in a situation where you need a restraining order).
Good luck
Chrissi
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