bevvywevvy
member
Reged: 20/10/2008
Posts: 540
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I need some unbiased opinions to help me put something into perspective.
My husband would like his daughter's boyfriend to come and stay for a weekend sometime soon. His girls visit approx every three weeks and stay Friday evening through to late Sunday afternoon. His ED is only just sixteen and has been seeing this boy fro a year now. She has made it clear to us that this is not serious but she sometimes feels pressured from his side of the family into seeing this as a long term relationship.
OH wants to meet the boy and apparantly vice versa but instead of meeting up for a coffee or a day together out somewhere he wants to jump in at the deep end and bring him here for a whole weekend.
My immediate response was anger. Mostly that he should see that this was ok to do with his daughter when he would go beserk if I asked for one of my children to have a friend over for a full weekend. He already makes both my children's friends feel uncomfortable when they visit.
He is so cross with me and we have just had a big argy bargy about it. It is the usual thing of one rule for his children and another for mine. It is so unfair and is eating away at me.
We have settled that he will meet them over their end of the country and spend the day with them and perhaps once he has met the boy a few times he can then think about staying here. It seems sensible to me that he should break the ice slowly. A whole weekend together for a first meeting could prove quite stressful.
I feel particularly agrieved that he wanted to put this stranger into my daughter's room (she is at uni) and not on the sofa bed in the children's lounge where visitors usually sleep. He is determined to push ED out ASAP by using her room as a guest room wherever possible and not keeping it as hers until she finsihes Uni and finds a place of her own. I am equally determined that it will be her room for as long as she wants it and he is not going to push her out.
It is all so horrible and so difficult. I feel as though I am being unreasonable about having this stranger in my home but it is too much too soon in my opinion.
Can anyone give me any constructive advice please? I am feeling quite miserable about it all. 
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jayney45
member
Reged: 21/10/2009
Posts: 60
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well, i tend to be on ur side of the fence on this one. the boy will be feeling under pressure just meeting up so to have to be on "best behavoir" all weekend is asking a bit much. this seems to be a typical male thing , they know best and of course always right. they jump in head first and dont think of the practicalities. im sure id feel the same way if a stranger was to sleep in my daughter bedroom, no, stick to ur guns and have your say. good luck
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maxine42
member
Reged: 23/10/2009
Posts: 17
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I am on your side ..a weekend is a bit much and putting you under pressure , dont mean to sound rude but he does not seem to bother about your feelings.I hope it gets sorted.good luck.
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marie50
member
Reged: 07/07/2007
Posts: 950
Loc: cleckheaton west yorkshire
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You don't say what your step daughter thinks about this arrangement, is she happy with things ? If she is then i would go with the flow, 2 nights isn't long and i think if she was my daughter i think i'd rather see how things are in my own home rather than meeting elsewhere. If it turned out to be a regular thing then it would be different but as a one off i wouldn't worry too much about it. It all sounds a bit "them and us" to be honest, i know you're angry at the moment but sometimes you have to chill a little bit, is it such a big deal ? Once he's let this boy stay in your house, how can he say no to your childrens friends staying ? Use this to your advantage. Letting someone stay in your daughters bedroom doesn't mean you've forgotten about her, it's just somewhere to sleep. Sorry if you don't feel this is helpful but try not to let it worry you so much, it's not worth falling out over is it ?
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eamesey
member
Reged: 24/03/2009
Posts: 69
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I think you are right if either of you took a dislike to this boy then it is going to make it a very difficult weekend it is also putting OH ED under pressure to have this boy stay when she isn't yet fully commited to the relationship herself. I am sure the distance doesn't help if OH goes to collect ED for her visit he sould try and allow some time to meet up then. Hope you sort this out.
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Alice23
member
Reged: 21/09/2009
Posts: 179
Loc: In Wonderland
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I agree with you totally and cannot understand yr husband agreeing to this I suspect it has something to do with saying yes to his daughters request of having the boyfriend over to stay. I would also not want a total stranger in my daughters room sounds as though yr husband wishes to create a good impression for his daughter without consulting you first. Yr husband should have discussed this with you first. You say you are determined to not have yr daughter pushed out and also agree with you - would this not cause a great deal of resentment though with OH? You never know you might end up pushing your OH out. Then you would have solved the staying over problem!!!!
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 6805
Loc: Leicestershire
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Hi Bev,
I wonder whether this weekend is not the issue here, and that there is a far deeper one.
It sounds as though you are very divided over the children, very 'his and mine'
Do you both resent each other's children?
If you do then, if you could both admit it, then there may be a way to work through it, but it requires both of you being honest about why you struggle with the whole situation.
If that's not true, the I'm sorry.I just sense much deeper difficulties than the weekend.
Good luck.If your relationship is strong, you can work through it.
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saffronmill
member
Reged: 07/01/2009
Posts: 76
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A weekend is far too long for a first meeting - this is a horrible situation and you are the piggy in the middle here. Whatever happens hope it works out for you - be thinking of you.
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Hosta
member
Reged: 12/07/2009
Posts: 50
Loc: Uxbridge
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Oh dear how difficult- I think for a first meeting a weekend at the parents home is diffiucult for everyone- why don't you both go to meet then somewhere, go bowling or see a film and pizza, then wave goodbye and you can meet them again arrange to do something for the whole day and he could stay the night and go home in the morning. That way he won't be hanging around all weekend or just staying in bed.Well good luck -that is your daughters room -if visitors normally stay in different room don't change it. Don't know the realtionship you have with SD but see what she wants to do if she was your daughter would you feel differently - hope it works out
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scottishmags
member
Reged: 24/04/2009
Posts: 1302
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Hi bevvywevvy; it's interesting what you say
We've always had a lot of visitors and we're quite relaxed about having people to stay for a few days but maybe you feel differently, so this is just from my point of view ...
In our house, because we live far away from most of our relatives in Scotland, our kids were always giving up their beds to let grandparents, cousins or whoever stay - they were always good-humoured about it and it was never an issue. To be honest, it seems unwelcoming to me to put a guest on a sofa-bed if there's a comfortable free bed available. How could it harm your daughter in any way or make her feel pushed out if she's not actually there?
The real issue as I see it is that your OH wants to welcome his D's friends to the house, but not your children's friends. And that's not fair. As Marie says, if you go along with his plan this time, he should really be flexible in return.
It sounds as if your children live with you and OH but his don't? So I'm guessing that you see yours much more whereas maybe he feels he has some catching-up to do with his?
For me, if this young girl really wants to bring her boyfriend for the weekend , I wouldn't want to say no. Apart from being friendly and providing some food, there doesn't have to be pressure on you does there?
I agree with Kate; it seems this is more about tensions between the two of you over how you treat one another's children and less about one young boy visiting for a couple of days ... ideally, any friends any of the kids want to bring would be welcome and it's a compliment that they like you enough to want to introduce their friends to you
Good luck sorting it out anyway
Mags
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Kezabel
member
Reged: 11/03/2009
Posts: 2620
Loc: Round the Bend
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Hello bevvywevvy
I have no experience of stepchildren so really can't advise on that aspect.
However, I do have a D who is nearly 16 and would certainly not agree to a boyfriend who I have never met staying over for one night, never mind two. I realise that your situation is very different as she doesn't live with you.
Does the BF stay over at her mum's house? Is it something she is used to doing? Does she bring other friends to stay at your house for the weekend? Is it something she or your oh is pushing?
I understand that your oh would want to meet the BF but I think your idea of a casual meeting first makes a lot of sense. It's a good starting point and you can both go from there.
As for the issue of a stranger staying in your D's bed. Your oh should know how sensitive you feel about this right now, with your D only just having left home and how upset you were about it. It is a huge time of change for you and that needs to be taken into consideration in all of this. Maybe a few months down the line you will feel differently about using her room now and again. But for now, you don't need to do anything you feel uncomfortable with.
I do hope that you can sort this out and help your oh understand how you feel about the whole situation. Let us know how you get on.
Kez x
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jacqui_o
member
Reged: 15/10/2008
Posts: 834
Loc: Lowestoft Suffolk
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Hi Bev,
Firstly welcome,
I agree with a great deal of what you say and your views, but possibly this is also a gender issue, we as mothers see things differently.....
I owuld nto be happy about the weekend, but also think thlike Kate this is just the tiop ofthe ice berg....
He is trying to control you and your home and children because he has none over his own, and very possibly does nto agree with how they have been brought up......
Tough titty.......it is his ex wife he should eb talking to, not you....
Also feel there is more than a grain fo truth in the he is jealous and envious of your children living with you........... he feels if he can get rid of your ED then it makes room for his!!!
This is really dangerous ground that is being trodden.....
It sounds as if he has moved into your home? and if so this could also be an issue, is it possible you could move?
If it is your childrens family home, then sorry but he accepted that when he moved in and married you........he is trying to manipulate you and circumstance for his own agenda, which is not a good one for your children ro you....
perhaps you need to seek counselling so some of these issues cna be talked out....
Good luck.....
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3746
Loc: London
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Whatever the pros and cons I really believe you need to stand your ground Bev. There is a tug of war going on here between you and your OH. The only thing I can suggest is that you find a way of communicating with him that does not exacerbate the arguing, and maybe even giving way on some other point in order to get your way. I agree that a weekend seems a long time to have someone over who is not the be all and end all of the girl's life.
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45ginny
member
Reged: 12/08/2009
Posts: 261
Loc: Sheffield Sth Yorkshire
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Hi Bev, I agree with you and do have experience of step children. We also have had tussles and rules for one set and not the other. If you want to pm me please do so. But stick to your guns on the weekend stay.
Ginny45xx
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 6805
Loc: Leicestershire
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Hi Bev,
Come back and let us know what you think!
xx
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bevvywevvy
member
Reged: 20/10/2008
Posts: 540
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Hello all,
Haven't been on for a couple of days and came back to find all these responses. I'm really grateful for everyones input and thoughts.
When this all kicked off I was understandably very angry. OH and I ended up having a huge row and things came to a head later that evening. We both got very upset but talked it all through as much as possible coming to the conclusion that we could not live like this anymore.
The next morning I read my 'Secret' thought for the day and it could not have been better timed. Basically it said to look at all things with fresh eyes, new eyes and a positive outlook.
I felt as though someone had just slapped me round the face and I woke up. My OH and I love each other very much but have let our need to protect our own children build up a wall between us. I told OH about the quote and he agreed with me that we will both work much harder at seeing the good in all the children and not just our own. (This is a shortened version!)
It won't be easy all the time but we have so much to be grateful for and it would be madness to lose it all over things that can be worked through with a lot of effort on our part.
So Kate, you were very instinctive in your response. The problem does go much deeper and now that I have calmed down and taken a different view, I feel that I overreacted the other night but that there is light at the end of the tunnel!
Thank you all once again, this is always such a good place to come and get constructive advice and it always impresses me how wise you all are!
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 6805
Loc: Leicestershire
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Hi Bev, Really pleased.had been thinking about you.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Lucindabeech
member
Reged: 07/08/2009
Posts: 8
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Hi Bevvywevvy
Im really glad to hear that you are going to work this one out together, you sound as though you have both turned a huge corner already.
When I read your post I could relate to your views, I have 2 children from my first marriage and am always concerned that they feel awkward when they visit me.
Has your daughter ever said she is made to feel awkward?
I often ask my 2, they always say they're OK but I'm not convinced.
It is difficult to treat a partners children the same as your own, but still young people should always come first in my opinion, their home should always be their sanctuary.
If your husbands daughter is not wanting a serious relationship yet, the last thing she wants is the family fussing over her boyfriend, he and his family may get the wrong message.
Also, I vaguely remember being a 16yr old many years ago.
I wouldnt have minded a cousin or granny sleeping in my bed while Im away but I certainly would not have wanted my step-sisters boyfriend in my bed and in my bedroom where all my personal stuff is kept.
Keep him in his place, he is an unknown boyfriend, you havent met him yet. She is only young, the chances are he is not the one so keep him at arms length until your stepdaughter wants more.
Remind your husband that technically you are letting a stranger (to you) into your house................for the whole weekend.
Hope it works out, best of luck.
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