Ellikat
member
Reged: 29/08/2009
Posts: 344
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I'm so worried about my 17yr old son. He's just started his A levels but hates school and gets very down re school, his dad & my situation(we're separated) and life in general. He has dark thoughts and wonders what life's about at times. It was suggested to him some time ago when he had a general check up re his physical state that he may be depressed following an illness he had had. He says he wants to go to uni but has already dropped one A level and is now talking about swapping another again. He's just so confused and I'm so so worried and don't know what else to suggest to him. Unfortunately he tends to lack motivation and doesn't stick things out and gives up easily saying he can't do it or can't be bothered..I feel so guilty re our split and worry I'm a big part of his unhappiness. I would so welcome some support and advice from anyone. Many thanks.
Edited by Ellikat (20/10/2009 20:54)
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Bobcat
member
Reged: 09/02/2009
Posts: 1151
Loc: Lovely North Antrim Coast
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Hi Ellikat,
Is there someone at your sons school you could talk to, they may be able to offer him some counselling.
One of my boys was ill for 3 months with glandular fever, at the start of his A level year and at times I thought he was never going to get back on track, He seemed to loose all interest in everything. He had about 6 sessions with a youth counsellor who really helped him. I have no idea what was said as it was`all confidential but it was definately worth doing.
If he's thinking about uni, he needs to be careful about dropping/changing subjects as he could be restricting his options. Is he getting good enough careers advice? He needs to talk to someone now about this.
Good luck, teenagers can be difficult, even without their parents splitting so don't be too hard on yourself. Just make sure he knows you love him and want the best for him.
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HelenElizabeth
member
Reged: 12/10/2009
Posts: 4
Loc: Bedfordshire
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Ellikat, I'm so sorry to hear about your worries with your son. Your description sounds so much like my son - in his final year at uni, getting on ok (I think - getting information out of him is like the proverbial blood out of a stone..) I am also separated, my decision to leave and took a long time to pluck up the courage, so can't help but think that's not really helped him. I've tried to be very honest with him, and receptive to any feedback he wants to give me - he's still very uncommunicative overall.
However, at uni he has at least made some good friends, and having seen him with them (briefly, when taking him round the supermarket at the start of term) he is completely different when amongst his peers. I think boys particularly need to find something which really interests them, in order to get motivated - another colleague had similar worries about her son for years, now he's just passed his final induction/assessment as a firefighter, and has really 'found himself', really happy.
Not much advice here, I'm afraid, but just the message that you're not alone, and nor is your son, he's lucky to have such a loving and concerned mum. I'm sure all the practical advice given by others on this site will be also really helpful. Ultimately, however much we want to live their lives for them, we can only stand by and be ready to help when it's the right time for them. I can't remember who said it, but adolescence was described as 'the time they need help the most, and they're the least able to ask for it'.
Will be thinking of you, regards, Helen
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AndreaLord
member
Reged: 30/12/2008
Posts: 80
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Hi Ellikat
I understand how you feel. Naturally you are worried about your son - I would be concerned if you were not worried about him. There is so much pressure on children these days and all you can do is ensure him of your love and support. I am sure he will sort himself out in time.
In March my son's best friend died and it was the most terrible time for my son and us as a family trying to come to terms with it. He was mid A levels and obviously it crossed our minds as to whether he would even take them let alone pass them. My son was so low but I used to try and choose my moments to speak to him, ie, sitting on his bed and enjoying quiet time talking about his feelings etc. It did help although there is only so much you can expect. 6 months on and my son has bounced back and is looking forward to some travelling and Uni next year.
It is quite normal for kids to drop one A level - I would not worry about that and I would get him to speak to the college councellor if he wants to or a teacher who he trusts - this may help. I do think though that there are not many kids who know what they want to do when they are 17 - its hard for them but as long as he has you and a support network then I am sure it will help him a long way.
I hope it gets better for you. Ax
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Mindy
member
Reged: 05/02/2008
Posts: 111
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If your son hates school is it possible for him to switch to a college course instead. My son went to college and really enjoyed his time there. If you act fast it maybe possible to switch. I remember some of my son's friends changing their minds and swapping courses.
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ChrissiFi
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Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
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Is school the right environment for him? College can be a better option - requires a more adult attitude and is a good transition between school and uni for those who've outgrown the school environment. Or alternatively, what about a gap year before taking A levels at college so that he's got time to decide what he wants to do? Or perhaps some voluntary work on a Saturday that will make him realise he can make a difference? Or even something in school - while doing my A levels I helped out with teaching reading and basic maths for the remedial classes in the school (looks good on your uni application and also helps build confidence in yourself).
The most important thing is for you to stop feeling guilty as that's probably coming across to him and making him even more uncertain about what he wants. As for being depressed - in many cases it's just part of the hormonal thing of being a teenager but if it's more than that seek help from your GP (counselling in school may leave him open to teasing from others).
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august09
member
Reged: 06/08/2009
Posts: 294
Loc: Co. Tipperary, Ireland
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Not very familiar with the british educational system so I coudn't comment there but I have a 19yro son who is ADHD and has broke our hearts all through school. He did his Leaving Cert this summer and got on OK. Passed everything anyway. He was never gonna go to uni we always knew that keeping him in school was hard enough and he had to repeat 2nd yr which is why he's so old now.
The happy ending is that he is now at an ag college studying forestry. i've never seen him so motivated and interested in being taught anything. The difference is that he found soimething that interests him and there are a lot of practical hands on bits to the course its not all bookwork.
My advice to you is get some good careers advice and let your son follow his heart. not everyone needs to go to college or uni. There is more than one way to live your life and you can't put square pegs in round holes. If he goes on to do something he loves he will be happy.
Let him know that the choices are his and whatever you do don't push him into something because'its a good job' or 'its a well-paid career.'
I saw this first hand when our mother pushed my brother into analytical science for those reason even though he's a very talented artist and wanted to go to art college. no money in art he was told.
now at 40 he's unemployed due to the recession after 20 years as a scientist and has never been happier selling paintings door to door and from the street. He paints like photographs and should have been doing it always.
So thats my opinion let him find his own level and keep talking with him. Explore any and all options. Whats he good at? What does he really like? What are his hobbies? These are your starting point. My son was always interested in gardening and growing things in little pots. Its not a big leap from there to the forestry. I thought maybe horticulture but he chose forestry himself. We stood back and let him at it. It was the right decision.
Good luck whatever happens.
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Pet Shop Girl
If your dog loves you, don't seek a second opinion
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coby28
member
Reged: 01/11/2008
Posts: 1123
Loc: Co Antrim
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Everyone else has given great advice re school so I thought I would tell you what helped my son when he was having very dark thoughts years ago. We were recommended to go to a kiniesiologist and she was wonderful. He came out of the first session a different boy and said he felt as if a great weight had been lifted off him.
My daughter went to a different practitioner and didnt feel better but neither of us liked this particular lady and didnt have the same confidence in her.
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debz
member
Reged: 18/05/2009
Posts: 331
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Hi
Relate offer a Children and Young Person's Counselling service. It may be a good idea to make an appointment for him to go along to see someone there. He can go alone, or the whole family can be seen. This service is offered in your area.
I have sent to a PM too.
Good Luck, and try not to worry too much.
Debz
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Ellikat
member
Reged: 29/08/2009
Posts: 344
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Many many thanks to you all for your wonderful support and advice. I have read previous threads where ladies have asked for advice/support and have been overwhelmed by the prompt and fantastic replies. I was worried nobody would reply and I am so grateful to you all. I have noted down all of your suggestions and am going to persue them. He is just so confused about his life and where he is going. We talk about adolescence being a difficult time and that some of what he feels is normal. He does love music so we will look into that aspect. I too took a long time to finally call time on my marriage, HelenElizabeth(10 years of backwards and forwards) which hasn't helped and he's trying to come to terms with the fact it is over although he's still keen for us to get back together. I think it's harder for teenagers to accept than younger children which is why I left 10 years ago but it didn't quite go to plan. (does life ever?) I so feel for him and want to make everything alright but we can't always do that can we? I think he knows I would do anything for him and am always there for him.
Many thanks again. I am feeling a little more positive knowing I'm not alone and there are always sloutions .
Ellikat X
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ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
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Dear Ellikat,Im so sorry that you are having such a worrying time..I was wondering if you could ask him what it is about school that he hates so much..do you see any signs of there being a specific reason..have you rulled out things like bullying ect.Many kids of the same age feel lost and confused and wonder where they are heading,what life is all about ect...its a hard time for them.I agree with the person who suggested maybe a change to a college rather than staying where he is at school....I think that perhaps a new and more stimulating environment may be helpful.If he wants to move, dont look at it as if he is just giving up on something ,it may just be that where he is is not right for him anymore.Hormones will be playing a role in all this,also he may still be run down after being unwell.Evening primrose really really helps with mild depression and it is natural(please check with your doctor first), also a good multi vitamin will help to make sure hes getting all the B vitamins which also help when you are feeling low(sounds canky I know,but it seemed to really help my son when he was really hormonal and feeling similar to yours), these are small things that may help.Please dont feel guilt about the personal choices you made, your son is having exactly the same kinds of thoughts and feelings that many kids the same age in all kinds of families are having. Keep being the loving mum you obviously are and keep the lines of communication open. I am sure that with your help and support your son will be able to find his way.Take care and good luck to you both.
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womanj
member
Reged: 31/03/2009
Posts: 86
Loc: Liverpool
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My son was feeling very down, lost and alone earlier this year after moving away from home. I gave him a copy of the book 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrne.
It changed his life.
I've never know a more positive person who looks at life with enthusiasm now!
It changed my life too. I am a much happier person now I know the Secret.
Give it a try.
Womanj x
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lisafirst44
member
Reged: 21/05/2009
Posts: 4
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Just to explaing that I had same problems with my son (20 noW) it started when he left home for Uni. 2 years ago, he came back in March for Easter Holidays and within 11 days was admitted to a Psychriatic ward and sectioned, he had a mental breakdown. We had no idea, because it is so difficult with teenage boys they don't talk about their feelings, but we put down his strange behaviour to being a teenage, which I have now been told by professionals that it is difficult to differentiate between. He is now much better on medication and getting alot of help, ie councelling and is under local Mental Health Service. He hopes to go back to Uni next sept. My husband and I have been to hell and back. Its been such a traumatic experience for us, and me as a mother I shed plenty a tear every day. You feel so helpless, he still has his ups and downs, and all you want is for him to get back to himself, which I have been told will take time. Our lives have been turned upside down, I feel so alone and think its just us, but went to a carer's meeting last week and met several other parents who were going thru exactly what we are going through. I hope no one has to go thru what we have gone through. If I had nown what i know now i would have got help early on, but I did tell my husband he just put his behaviour down to been a teenager and that it would pass, nobody would listen to me in my family, but being a mother you have instincts and I just knew there was a problem there but it was like going against a brick wall, it has taken a major crisis like what we have had and now they are all saying (i.e family members) etc 'we did not realise' yes but no one listened to me. I have had to see my son in a psychriatic locked ward with very sick people which was the hardest thing ever, thank god he is better. My only concern now is that we have been told he could have a relapse , so he getting councelling with Mental Health Services to help him spot the signs and hopefully not have a relapse. He will probably have to take his medication for quite a while yet, they say its still early and riskey to take him off medication just yet. Its been very difficult writing all this, but sometimes if feels good to talk about it, I am still anxious and hurting all the time.
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ROW
member
Reged: 16/10/2009
Posts: 179
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Dear lisafirst 44, my heart totally goes out to you. I can not imagine anything being so utterly painful as seeing your child in the situation you have described.I dont know you but am, right now,in my heart, hugging you tight.You are doing the very best for your son and I hope that he will go from strength to strength and get better every day.I dont have any practical advice,on this, but please take care of yourself, try to step away from the situation every day,just long enough to do something you love, it will help you recharge and keep you going..and you need to be healthy to deal with all of this. I truly hope that,a time will come soon when your son is better and all this will be in the past. Good luck to you,hold onto your courage and the belief that you will all get through this and your son will be well and back at uni and getting on with his life soon.Rowena
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Jess456
member
Reged: 31/07/2009
Posts: 4
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Hi Ellikat,
As with everyone else, my heart goes out to you. I feel I may be able to share an experience which may be helpful - I had a similar situation with my son who has just started Uni this year (big sigh of relief!) however a couple of years ago it was a different story. He seemed to be struggling with motivation and applying himself at school, especially with his Maths A-Level which was always his favourite subject. From the start he wasn't doing as well, or got behind with the workload and this seemed to spiral as he lost his confidence with the subject and talked about wanting to drop it fairly early on. As with all teenagers I never really knew how much time he spent studying either.
I didn't really know how to help him as I don't even have a Maths A-Level and teachers at school are overstretched as it is so no one could offer him any additional support – plus no-one considered him in desperate need of help, he’d always done fairly well at school, but I think A-levels really raise the bar in terms of pressure on students taking responsibility for their own future. I was still worried though as it's a really crucial time for young people to feel lost. I always knew he was a bright boy and he could do it if he focussed and got his motivation back, but in his head he just didn't seem to want to try – perhaps for fear of not getting the results if he tried, so would rather give up before he failed.
I tried to start by making him think about what he wanted to do, what his goals and ambitions were and although he seemed a little unsure as all teenagers do, he admitted he really did want to go to uni. Even short term goals like this helped me to get him to care again as it gave him something to work towards. I made him order course guides and prospectuses and we went to a few open days together and I saw the light switch on again behind his eyes... Then it was just a case of showing him he could get there!
Eventually a friend of mine (with a son who went to school with mine) mentioned some intensive day revision courses on different subjects for GCSE and A-Level that are run over the Xmas and Easter holidays that help students with exam technique and study skills. I thought this might be the saving grace he needed as they had small group sizes and gave them focussed attention – in just one day. Thankfully he really thought it helped as they went back to basics and he realised he actually could do it. Plus he really enjoyed it and met other people outside of his usual peers who had been feeling the same way as him, so this immediately boosted his confidence and he stayed friends with them afterwards. I’m not sure whether this sort of thing would help your son – if you’re interested it was run by a company called Justin Craig Education if you want to google them. I haven’t heard of any other courses but I know these ones are run all over the country so hopefully there’ll be one near you. Admittedly they aren't cheap but they really helped my son I'll leave it for you to look in to.
I really wish you all the best with your son, I think as long as he knows you are there for him and you support him, you will both find your way.
Jess
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