nzemylou
member
Reged: 30/06/2009
Posts: 2
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Hi, I'm 42 and had my first child aged 40. I'm now thinking about having another, as I don't want my child to be lonely. I'm really scared though about having a disabled child, given my age. Does anyone have any advice, either on having a child in your 40's, or on whether single children are particularly lonely?
Thanks, Emma
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smaureen
member
Reged: 25/09/2007
Posts: 112
Loc: North East Wales
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Being an only child doesn't mean being lonely. My daughter has one child of five and he is very sociable and outgoing. Whereas I was the youngest of three and had a very lonely and isolated childhood. If you have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances your child will learn from your example how to socialise.
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Olisa
member
Reged: 26/02/2009
Posts: 472
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A lot of women do have healthy babies when over 40 and women in their 20s can have a disabled child - it's a risk that only you can decide on. I had 2 daughters a year apart in age when I was in my early 20s and from a very early age they just didn't get on by the time they were teenagers they seemed to positively dislike each other and now in their early 40s they hardly have anything to do with each other there is no anymosity there now they just lead ther own very seperate lives. I am sure if asked they would both say that they would have preferred to be an only child and significantly they each have had only one baby. Whereas some of my friends with 2 or 3 children have found them to be best of friends. So there are no guarantees in life and no right or wrong answers to your problem. Hope my ramblings have been of some help and haven't confused you even further but I wish you good luck whatever your decsion
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 505
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The risk of Downs syndrome starts to soar after 43, I seem to recall - I would think the stats are on the Internet fairly easily. So that is something you really do have to bear in mind. Could you raise a Downs child well/would you be prepared to terminate the pregnancy, etc etc. All heartbreaking questions.
As for only children - like you, we wanted another one but didn't get it, but were just SO grateful we got the one we did! I've been very conscious of the 'only is lonely' possibility, so right from the start I've been very keen on socialisation, from mums-n-babies coffee mornings onwards. It's vital that they know how to make and keep friends.
Holidays are tricky, in that it can become essential that you always choose somewhere with a good kids club, as obviously you can't rely on siblings entertaining each other. That said, I know a couple with twin boys, and the boys seldom regard each other as 'playmates' because it's 'only my bro' etc - they still crave the company of 'real' playmates.
Sometimes my son sees his mates having (and giving!) a really hard time to/from their siblings - loads of stress and argument and tears etc etc - and is actually grateful he doesn't have any of that!
One other factor to take into account. It's something I discounted, as my own parents were post-40 and lived to a ripe old age. BUT, yes, our own chances of dying prematurely increase radically as we age (fifty is THE age for cancer stats to go astronomical - be warned!), plus, of course, other illnesses and health problems overall.
I think if you do want another child, check out the Downs stats (and any other age-related pregnancy risks), decide if you can live with the consequences if necessary, and then, if you can - go for it! But don't delay any longer. Large age gaps between children (born to any age parent) don't help make good sibling companionship, and there will already be nearly three years between them.
So if you want another kiddie, start right now. Tonight!
All the best, Julie.
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marie50
member
Reged: 07/07/2007
Posts: 920
Loc: cleckheaton west yorkshire
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Hi, i had my daughter when i was 43, my son was 13 at the time. I had all the tests available and luckily she is perfect, apart from the "off" button, which i cant seem to find ! When i had the tests, my husband and i decided we would terminate if there was anything wrong. Not because we didnt feel able to cope with a disabled child, but because we realised that as we were older parents, the chore would eventually fall to our son to look after her once we weren't around. We felt that we couldn't ask this of him, which is why we made that decision. I have a friend who has a severely mentally disabled sister who is now in her 40's, he and his wife are in their late 50's, both sets of parents are dead, and they wouldn't swap her for the world, but now is the time when they should be able to relax and do the things they want to do but this just isnt possible. I dont think only children suffer at all these days, but only you can make the decision whether to try for another baby. Mine was a big surprise, she wasnt planned at all and every day i thank god that she's here and she's ok. Good luck with whatever you decide x
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Mochashosh
member
Reged: 16/02/2009
Posts: 264
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Being an only child I can honestly say I have suffered not one iota from being an only child, but I DID suffer from being the child of older parents, who also had Victorian values.
This is why, for most of my life, I have said that absolutely nobody should ever have a baby over 35. However, I'm now 36, single, and desperate, so I've had to refine my view somewhat!
If you want a child and feel you can give it the necessary love and support, then go for it, and if you are lucky enough to be blessed with a child, rejoice! If not, then your only child will develop self-reliance and independence, qualities which, I can assure you, have stood me in very good stead.
One piece of advice; do not subject whatever children you have to a draconian upbringing. This was my parents' mistake. Whilst I am able to relate well to others, and do a good job of teaching an public speaking, I am unsuccessful in forming loving, committed bonds with people, and I do in part attribute this to the fact that my parents did not seek out people of my own age for me to socialise with, but expected me to socialise with friends of their age. Also, they did not give me confidence in my own abilities. That, I feel, is the greatest gift you can give a child.
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Wendeth
member
Reged: 02/07/2009
Posts: 4
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Hi Nzemylou
This is my first ever post to the forum and your post immediate struck a cord with me. I am 44 and we have an 8 yr old boy who for years and years asked for a brother or sister but recently has stopped asking. He is happy, well adjusted, popular, confidence and intelligent with loads of friends and a massive social network.
We started 'trying' for another when my son was 1 ((i was 36) and when he was 3 we embarked upon IVF only to be told, at 38, that I had no eggs left and i was entering menopause. I grieved for 4 years until i was your age, 42, when I became quite desperate and started to research about donor eggs. We have been trying to conceive with donor eggs now for two years and the miracle has finally happened. I am 6w1d pregnant with twins. OMG! 
I just want you to know that, firstly, at 42, you can get pregnant but your chances of success are diminishing rapidly - perhaps you might consider fertility treatment (i have an acquaintance who's 46 and just pregnant with her first IVF run). And yes, your chances of Downs are higher due to the chromosonal age of your eggs so you need to consider how you would react to any abnormal news.
My donor is only 22 but, like Marie50, if we find some adnormalities, we will terminate, horrendous as that may be. We are not spring chickens (although we are extremely young at heart and most people can't believe we're in our 40s) and debatable as it is, i do not want to spend the rest of my life looking after childen. Another 20 years is acceptable though.
I appreciate the idea of donor eggs is abhorent to a lot of people and i have had some nasty thoughtless comments from my neighbour yesterday about my age when i told her our special news, and it did take me 4 years to get my head around it, but it's another option open to you.
Best of luck whatever you choose to do.
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Optimistic
member
Reged: 14/12/2008
Posts: 84
Loc: SW
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Remeber, too, that there are (apparently) lots of positive points for an only child. They are more likely to be:
more confident
organised
emotionally supported
high achievers
self sufficient
more mature for their age
Many siblings aren't close friends so I wouldn't feel any pressure on having a child for your firstborn; you can make sure that you are sociable to aid them to mix/share/socialise.
Having said that, my youngest (who, obviously, has always had to share) is uselss at it.
Do YOU and partner REALLY want another child? Or are you happy being a family of three?
There is no wrong answer x
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 505
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Wendeth - what wonderful news. Hope all goes swimmingly well!
Best, Julie
PS - remember to get your son 'something from the twins' - eg, an Xbox etc (he'll need something to keep him busy while you are exhausted from babycare! 
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Dipsy_Bellini
member
Reged: 05/07/2009
Posts: 9
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"Only child ~ Lonely child"
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Through circumstances beyond my control, I only had one child.
Now 23, my daughter is confident, outgoing, self assured & very happy. As a result of having time to lavish on her, she had as near a "perfect childhood" as anyone could wish for. Her words not mine.
By contrast, I was one of four girls. It wasn't until I became a Mother myself, that I realised how overlooked as a child I was. To me, being left to stumble through life without the real necessary emotional support & guidance a growing child needs, was all just an accepted part of my life. Once a Mother myself, I vowed to learn from history and not repeat it.
I was neither abused or mistreated ~ my Mother was just always too busy looking after someone else.
My sister had her last child at 42, (despite having already had 2 autistic children) she couldn't be happier. He's adorable and was sent for a reason. When she's down, he makes her smile.
Every child brings their love with them, as you will already know. To want more of that love is not a bad thing. What ever choice you make/reach will be the right one for you & your family.
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Wendeth
member
Reged: 02/07/2009
Posts: 4
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Thanks for the advice Julie - i'm hoping he'll help me as he'll be 9 then but absolutely agree with you regarding making him still remain and feel totally special. I was only chatting to my hubbie about it yesterday! And thank you for your very kind wishes. x
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Arty
member
Reged: 12/03/2008
Posts: 192
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Oh Wendeth! I am so excited and delighted for you.What a wonderful feeling it must be!
Have an amazing life with your kids.
I have had three myself, they were all under four years old at one point. I dont consider tat they were neglected but maybe one day they'll tell me different!
One solicitor, a vet and a musican, with just a few more exams to do yet, and yes,I am proud of them!
Arty.
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 5916
Loc: runcorn
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My mum was just shy of her 40th birthday when she had me, her one and only, after being told she couldn't carry a child full-term.
They were great parents, maybe they were a bit old-fashioned compared to some of the younger parents, but then again maybe they were just more settled and calmer. There's pluses and minuses to older parents and personally I think they tend to cancel each other out, so I wouldn't fret about that angle of it.
I loved being an only child, didn't want a brother or sister. It was great having my parents to myself. I think it made me become more independent and in a roundabout way more sociable as I grew older because I don't ahve family to rely on so I have to make the effort to get to know people.
Anyway, you cannot predict what your child/ren will turn out like wether they have a sibling or not. I'd stick with having a child or not based on what you want.
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I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 505
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Chilla - very sensible post - I agree!
Julie.
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nzemylou
member
Reged: 30/06/2009
Posts: 2
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Thanks to you all for your comments and messages of support, and many congratulations to Wendeth.
At the moment nothing is happening, as my husband seems set against the idea of a second. However, you assurances that only children aren't necessarily lonely has given me much comfort.
Best wishes,
Emma
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 7838
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The most important thing for a child is to have a happy and secure childhood and to be loved and cared for by his / her parents. It sounds to me as if you are doing a great job.
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I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 505
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Another spot on post - totally agree again.
Julie.
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tricia512
member
Reged: 19/01/2009
Posts: 4
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Hi. I married when I was 38, had my daughter when I was 39 and son when 44 years old. Both healthy children and now happy 16 and 21 yr olds. All I can do is wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make.
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