Acoustic2
member
Reged: 16/04/2009
Posts: 22
Loc: France
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I had my first child young at 21 when I was still a student after falling pregnant accidently.I was in a solid relationship and we are still together having had a further 2 more kids when I was 23 and 28. I am now 41.
My sister who is 38 is expecting twins (her first pregnancy) . She had IVF because time wasn't on her side not for medical reasons but has just found out one twin is very sick and not likely to survive. The whole family is very upset and rallying round to be supportive. As I live in France I haven't been able to see her and she doesn't want to talk to anybody at the moment so I have been kept updated by my mum who lives close to her.
Chatting to my mum yesterday on the phone she got upset and said "You were lucky, you had an accident but it all worked out well for you, but your sister who has never done anything wrong and works so hard doesn't deserve this"
She was upset so I didn't respond just pretended I hadn't heard but it left me shocked.
I think there are a lot of women out there who do regret not having kids younger but since my conversation yesterday I'm wondering whether us younger mums are resented as that's how I feel at the moment.
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ChrissiFi
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Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
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That's a horrible thing to say to you no matter how upset she is but it's difficult to forget when that sort of thing happens. Try to put it down to emotions running high. If your parents are the same generation as mine (born in the early 30s) pregnancy outside of marriage was a real stigma. I'm sure they love you and your sister equally, it's just they grew up in a different world.
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Foxie
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Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 8034
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Don't let this remark fester. It is a really emotional time for all of you and as ChrissiFi says emotions are running high.
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I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
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JulieJ
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Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 568
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I don't think it's so much that younger mums are resented, than that they are either disapproved of or pitied. It's just no longer 'the desired norm' to have children in your very early twenties, or late teenage. It's not 'right or wrong' in itself, just the way society has changed over the last couple of generations, thanks, basically, to women being allowed to have careers as a norm.
I would suspect a lot of women like me - not quite the first 'liberated' generation of the sixties, but the next wave in the mid-late seventies - think that it's a 'seriously bad idea' to have children before you are about 30! It was drummed into us that AT LAST we were 'allowed' to have pre-marital sex, simply because we were 'safe' from pregnancy. So, ironically, whilst it was 'fine' to have sex (as much as one liked really - though I also suspect most women, like me, had a lot less than we thought everyone else was having!!  ) , it was 'not fine' to have children....it was almost as if we were behaving in an old-fashioned, pre-liberated way, if we had a baby.
So I think we 'disapproved' of young women having babies, as it meant they were unliberated. And we pitied them if they did get pregnant, as they were then 'automatically' chained to a pre-liberation lifestyle which was seens as boring and draggy....
Obbviously, the downside of that attitude was that a lot of women in my generation and the next one on simply left it too late - we ignored the realities of nature, and thought we could get pregnant on demand, when the time was right in our career, etc etc etc.
However, when it comes to your mum, I suspect that it goes even further back than the sixties, but into the fifties where, as ChrissiFi points out, having a baby out of wedlock was 'not done'. She has probably felt this way all the years since you told her you were pregnant, but has, maybe, up till now, managed to guard her tongue - now, with the stress your sister is under, that guard slipped, and out came 'the truth' that she has harboured all these years - that your getting pregnant was 'wrong'.
I agree with the others that it's best not to dwell on it overmuch. After all, most of us have mums who disapprove/d of a great deal of what we've done with our lives (!), and providing we don't let it upset us too much, there's no harm in it.
As for yourself, you've clearly made a complete success of your life, you've got three smashing kids who have grown up well, and a husband who is your life-partner. That's some achievement!
All the best, Julie.
(Thinking about it, by the way, the fact that your sister left it so long to try for pregnancy may possible be associated with an 'aura of disapproval' she may have picked up from your mum about your early pregnancy - ie, she picked up that 'you shouldn't get pregnant like that, young and unmarried' and let that influence her own decisions about having children....???)
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cupcake
member
Reged: 15/02/2008
Posts: 6093
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Hi Acoustic. I also had a baby 'accidentally' when I was very young.. I was 17 years old actually. Long story, won't bore you with it.
Anyway, yes, my sympathies are with you. I remember very well one particular woman who was unable to have children being very bitter about my being pregnant at such a young age. in fact she thought I should be forced to give up my baby to someone better deserving!!!
It is very very hard to 'take it on the chin' sometimes. But just let it go if you can. It's not worth the upset for you.
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rosettastone
member
Reged: 11/03/2008
Posts: 794
Loc: Kent/Surrey borders
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I agree ...I think this is generation thing ,,my mother would have been horrified if I had had a baby out of wedlock . She had my brothers very early in her twenties but always gave the impression that if circumstances had been different she would have waited until later.
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carpe diem - seize the day!
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cupcake
member
Reged: 15/02/2008
Posts: 6093
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Have to say that my Mum,who was born in 1926, was brilliant. Supported me, never condemned me, was always there for me. The only thing she said was 'don't fell pressured into getting married if it's not what you really want'.
She was neither shocked nor horrified. She just got on with it and was there for me.
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scottishmags
member
Reged: 24/04/2009
Posts: 1344
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Hi Acoustic
I had my three kids young, like you. Most of our group of friends in the 80s did the same. I'm also still happily with their dad.I don't think people resent it, but I think a few who struggled to have a family, having waited till much later, are a little envious.We are approaching 50 now; kids more or less grown up and enjoying the new freedom. I wouldn't change where we are in our lives and I bet you wouldn't either.
I think it's natural for a mum to focus her concern on the child who's having a difficult time and that's what your mum's doing with your sister. It was a thoughtless remark, but I'd let it pass. My MIL was really unpleasant to me when I got pregnant for the third time... why did I want another when I already had "one of each"?... it wasn't fair on her son, etc...( I wonder who she thought got me pregnant?! ) But without question she loves her youngest grandchild now he's here.
I do hope things go well for your sister and the two babies. you can always have a chat with your mum in the future if you still feel upset, but I'd try to let her comment pass if you can. You have to do that in families quite a lot I find....
Mags
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Acoustic2
member
Reged: 16/04/2009
Posts: 22
Loc: France
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Hi, have just re read all your replies thank you for taking the time and have decided to let the remark pass.
After giving it some thought have decided she was right not to judge me at the time. She was also very supportive including getting me through my exams others including (future) MIL and friends weren't so kind. I probably wouldn't have done so well if I felt my parents weren't behind me.
I am still very surprised though not to have known how she felt even after 20 years, we are a very close family and I thought I knew her as well as she knows me.
Still unsure how my sister feels though. She hasn't spoken to me yet or her OH's sister but I'm coming over to UK when the school hols start so I can spend a bit of time with them all and they all seem glad about that.
Thanks again,
A2
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 568
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Glad to hear your feeling a bit better about it all. Feelings are bound to run high at such a time. Hope it all settles down in the end.
You sound like a close family, despite the ups and downs, and that is great.
All the best, Julie.
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Optimistic
member
Reged: 14/12/2008
Posts: 88
Loc: SW
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I know I’m jumping in too late but I wanted to reply - your mother referred to your family as an accident. We generally see accidents as negative events that are traumatic and unwanted; I think this is why it has stung you.
We all now know that a women’s fertility steeply declines post 35 and problems can occur, including your mum - she’s probably panicking for her and is naturally concerned.
Most women (thank goodness) can choose when to have their children. My best friend is pregnant now at 41, with my two now at school I feel distressed on her behalf, but she planned it this way and I respect her decision. Her sister is 19 and pregnant for the 2nd time…through choice. No-one is begrudging anyone.
If I’m honest, anyone wanting, trying and failing to have a child is bound to feel resentful to anyone that has one, and when some women conceive so easily (or by ‘accident’) it must seem so unfair.
Don’t feel guilt for having your family when you did. It was obviously right for you. Your life, your choice.
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 454
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I had my last child aged 41 and he has disabilites. I think it is a generation thing but also whipped up by politicians with no brains. Young mothers are always pilloried, easy target.I just wanted healthy babies, no matter what age i was when they were born. In the swinging sixties, they werent so swinging if you got pregnant. My mum was aged 20 whenshe had to give me up in 1950.No choice.
Just ignore the remarks. I hope the twin baby will be ok, and that you will enjoy being with your family and they will welcome your support. The health of young mums was said to be a concern, that could be a concern at any age i guess.My best wishes to you all xx
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