laney
member
Reged: 17/06/2009
Posts: 2
|
|
my husband has always had a nasty temper over the years he has broken things in anger at me or shouted and screamed so much children have cried...am a strong person but the last year has been hard he contantly moans then when he doe not like something shouts and swears in front of our 5 year old who crys and tell him to stop few days ago all came to a head and he grab me in temper and my daughter and 15 year old son saw him and my son shouted at him and he went for him and hit him several times ..and then my eldest came to visit and told him to go..now he is 130miles away with his mum and i dont know what to do ! i love him but cant put up with this no longer please if anyone can offer advice or a friendly message please do am 42 and feel so alone was i that bad i wife?
|
JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 505
|
|
Please, please, please phone the NSPCC straight away, and tell them your children have been phsyically attacked by your violent husband. Or phone the police.
The NSPCC have a helpline on 0808 800 5000 which you can phone straight away. Look up their website on www.nspcc.org.uk and their 'what to do if a child is at risk of violence' page is on http://www.nspcc.org.uk/helpandadvice/wh...y_wda36110.html
Please also, right now, the moment you read this, phone Refuge, the organisation that protects women from domestic violence. It's on
http://www.refuge.org.uk/
0808 2000 247
Your children need protection, and so do you
Remember, you don't have to give your name or address unless you want to, but both the NSPCC and Refuge will help you decide what you want to do, and tell you what needs to happen to protect your children
I'm very glad your husband is now out of the house, and 130 miles away. You have a breathing space for the moment, and it's essential you use it to protect your children and yourself from this dangerous man.
Firstly, can your older son (how old is he, and is he your husband's son, or stepson - if the latter, all the better) come and stay with you for the time being?. It's great that he was able to protect you by getting your husband to leave, so it seems that your husband can't bully or dare not attack him, which is excellent.
What you do NOT want is your husband returning home, and everything starting all over again, and getting worse (if this is the first time he's hit you l5 year old it won't be the last - he's stepped over a line now, and will do it again.)
What I would recommend is this - either change the locks, right now, today, on your house, or put internal bolts on the front and back door. That way you can, literally, keep your husband from coming back in. (Don't worry about legal rights etc at this stage - you have enough evidence to sue for divorce let alone see him criminally prosecuted! YOU are the victim here, and your children - HE is the criminal!)
Secondly, is there any way you can stay with your older son, to get you all out of this house? You need not do it until and unless your violent husband tries to get back in, but it would be good if you had a bolt-hole to go to, with someone who your husband can't bully and threaten. I would say even if you do go to your son, please change the locks on the house anyway so your husband can't get back in again with his keys.
Ok, that's all the 'emergency stuff'.
Now the personal bit - Laney, you are NOT a bad wife! In fact, you're a saint to have put up with a rotten husband this long. Put it bluntly - if he loved you he wouldn't be horrible to you and your childrne, let alone yell at you and be violent towards you. When someone is constantly being criticised, as you have been - moaned at and complained to all the time - they (this means YOU!) start to think 'well, he must be right, I am useless, a bad wife, etc etc'. This is NOT true. If he looked in the mirror properly he'd see the truth - HE is the 'bad husband'!
No, of COURSE you can't put up with his behaviour any more. Enough is enough. Now that he has attacked your son (l5 is still legally a child remember!), and been violent and abusive in front of a little five year old, it is absolutely and totally not on. He can't do this. End of story.
Yes, you may love him, but right now he doesn't deserve your love. He can earn it back, yes, and I hope that he can get counselling to control his anger, and not take his frustrating and fury out on you. Anger and violence becomes a habit, and you can get addicted to it just like anything else. But you can get free of the addiction.
It could well, well be that once he has sorted himself out, and realises that he will not have a family until he can be a good husband and a good dad/stepdad, he will have the will power to get help for himself.
But it's up to him.
This is what Refuge says on its webpage:
"The abuse is not your fault. You can't make a man hit you - it's his choice and only he is responsible.
You cannot change your partner. He must accept responsibility for his behaviour."
It also says:
"Domestic violence is against the law. The police can offer you protection and help you find safe accommodation. If you are in danger call 999 - the police have a duty to investigate and charge"
Finally, do you have any other family, or friends in the real world (you have friends here, be in no doubt about that!). Do please phone them straight away and tell them what has happened - tell them you are scared and worried and have had it up to here with your husband.
The fact that he has gone is a great great opportunity to get this situation sorted out, once and for all.
You can have a happy life ahead of you - you deserve it, we all do. None of us deserve to be yelled at or hit or moaned at, or put up with other people's bad temper (like they say 'Keep your temper - no body wants it!").
And if your husband is prepared to do his bit, and mend his ways (for EVER, not just be remorseful for a week or two and then go back to his old ways), then it's possible to have a happy marriage again too, and a happy family.
Remember - we get the treatment we put up with.
So, don't put up with treatment you don't like. You do NOT deserve to be treated like a doormat.
I know it's scary to make that first call, but please please do so, for your children's sake.
Please send me a private message if it helps. I'll send one to you first, to start off.
You've got this morning ahead of you, and you can really start to get this mess sorted out, and a better life ahead of you.
Take care of yourself, and your children - best, Julie.
|
JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 505
|
|
Just wanted to say - I've said this on my PM to you too - if you would like me to phone the NSPCC and Refuge help lines first, just asking them what would happen if you phoned them yourself, I would be happy to do so, then I can 'report back' here to tell you what they said you need to do next.
I know it can be very scary to make the first phone call yourself, though do remember they get calls from people like you all the time, who are scared and depressed and at the end of their tether, so they are well able to cope with it.
All the very best - things can get sorted, starting today.
They really can.
Julie.
|
aec13cat
member
Reged: 08/01/2009
Posts: 2929
Loc: N. Ireland
|
|
Hi Laney. I am so glad you put your post on the forum and I hope to take JulieJ's wonderful advice. I couldn't add anything different at all. As she says please do take care of yourself and your children. Good Luck and that was brave taking this first step.
--------------------
|
debenjanie
member
Reged: 31/01/2009
Posts: 224
Loc: Suffolk
|
|
Well done Julie, its all sound advice and vital that laney starts the process today.
Well done laney on taking the first step. Make your future and that of your children a better place from now on.
Please let us know how you get on. We are behind you every step of the way.
|
Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 7838
|
|
Hi Laney
Please, please for your own sake and your children's seek some help. No-one should have to live in a state of panic and fear.
Take care
Foxie
--------------------
I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
|
suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 442
|
|
I have beeen a victim of this myself. Take the excellent advice and also remember that no matter how far away he is he can still make you feel vulnerable , so cut all contact, absolutley no contact at all.Keep your children safe and dont tell them anything unless it gets back to him. NSPCCWomans aid, etc.PLEASE DONT TAKE HIM BACK EVER.EVEN IF HE PLEADS WITH YOU AND WILL BE GOOD AGAIN.DONT .I am with you all the time like evryone else.xxxxxx
|
Kezabel
member
Reged: 11/03/2009
Posts: 2437
Loc: Round the Bend
|
|
Hello laney
I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you and your family.
The most important thing you need to accept is that none of this is your fault - it is your oh that has the problem. And he does have a problem, which means he needs to get help immediately. I know it is very, very difficult but you must take the advice and not let him near you and the children right now. It is also essential that you phone one of the helplines to get advice and just to talk. Nothing you say will shock them and it will be in total confidence.
It is also a good idea to talk to the police - don't worry about doing this, they will be very understanding and they will give you all the options open to you. If nothing else, it will probably act as a deterrent to your oh and stop him coming near you and the kids.
I really hope you keep posting here and talking to us all.
Kez x
--------------------
|
caz001
member
Reged: 10/09/2008
Posts: 1049
|
|
Hello Laney,
I was bought up in a violent house and my father sounds very much like your OH, my child hood was not a pleasant upbringing and believe me CHILDREN know excatly what is going on.
I wish my mother left my father 30 years ago or put me and my sisters and brother in care (we would have had a better childhood in a care home then what we had with them)
My mother is still with my dad and "HATES MY FATHER" he is still a verbal and cruel bully to her and he is now 74 years old, my mother confidence as been striped away over the years and she seems to think it is too late for her to leave him!! The only thing that will seperate them is death and I hope to GOD that he dies before her, but I know he will not die before her as she is weak and is a broken woman.
Laney look at the future and be strong for you and your children your life can only get better you are not at fault and people DO NOT CHANGE no matter how much they say they will..... you have one life and you can make it good for you and your children just believe in yourself and you will find the strength.
Carolx
--------------------
|
jamjams
member
Reged: 09/01/2009
Posts: 1173
Loc: geordieland
|
|
Laney
First of all well done, you are a very brave woman to share this with us, as you will have seen above you have lots of love and support.
All I wanted to say was you have taken a very important step today, and quite possibly have saved your own life. Now continue to move your life forward and use the contacts and excellent advise given earlier by JulieJ
take care please and keep posting
jamjams x
|
PLASMO
member
Reged: 13/03/2008
Posts: 12487
Loc: FLOUNCELAND
|
|
Laney,
You are indeed a brave woman, not only for sharing this awful dilemma with us, but for asking for advice.
The advice you have been given above is excellent, and I do hope that you will take heed and ask for it.
My own father was a bully, not so much to us, but certainly to my mother, and reading your post caz brought back really sad memories for me, as my father hit my mother right up to the day that she died, and she was 80!!! I had no knowledge of this, but a neighbour of my mother told me at her funeral. I remember he hit her so much when we were young, but didnt think it had continued.
Please get help, and once again start to live a happy and violent free life, you deserve to.
Plasmo x
--------------------
|
laney
member
Reged: 17/06/2009
Posts: 2
|
|
i cried when i read all your messages i have never felt so alone in my life i dont have any family to talk to about this and all his family think he is perfect...i have taken all your advice and julie your a angel for your advice you have made me see a clear picture of all the last few years abuse ..but i have to face up to the truth they has been more bad times than good and never a week goes by without him swearing abuse at me in front of our little girl,,when i asked him to stop he would just say she ok but my other daughter would come downstair and he would treaten to smash her face in....( she is his stepdaughter) i always shrugged it off because he was a saint putting up with my children from first marriage he always drilled into me ( we have a 5 year old) over the last few days he has woken children up at 6am swearing banging doors smashing cups etc because my eldest daughter refuses to talk to him after he hit me few years ago he said he was pushed into doing it as i wouldnt listen and shut up and he calls her all names she just stays in her room most of time ..i feel such a failure ..he keeps txting asking how 5 year old is and wants to talk to her i said no ..children are all ok today i have to say i wasnt expecting any replys but am so glad you all care thats not what am use to am use to going it alone thank you to all you have made me see a glimer of hope x
|
Genie_J
member
Reged: 07/12/2008
Posts: 542
Loc: Scotland
|
|
Hi laney
My heart goes out to you keep strong and take the excellent advice given and before you know it you will be stronger and your children will feel safet and happier we are all here for you xxx
--------------------
Genie xxx
|
wispa
member
Reged: 16/01/2008
Posts: 3591
Loc: Suffolk,
|
|
Everyone understands physical abuse.
Mental abuse is just a destructive, but harder to explain.
You know what you are going through. Onlyh you cdan stand up to him and make the decision to make it stop.
But you have all teh love, support, and experience of the women on this forum.
We are here for you. It's up to you to take action.
Be strong
..wispa x
|
hussy
member
Reged: 29/09/2008
Posts: 877
Loc: Scotland
|
|
Stay strong Laney, but please remember we are here, and if you end up giving in this time we will still be here until you don't need us anymore (and even then we will be happy to have you join us), we don't judge on here, we just try to help. This has beengoing on for years, it is time to make it stop. Take care.
--------------------
|
BeauSoleil
member
Reged: 26/03/2008
Posts: 3825
Loc: France
|
|
Can't add anymore than what everyone has already said. If you feel the need to chat properly I would be happy to PM my phone number or visa versa just to chat or sound of to someone who doesn't know either of you personally. I'm in france so unlikely to bump into you in reality either!!
Good advice from Julie and I am so pleased you have taken it
Good luck and keep putting yourself and your children first
xx
--------------------
|
cupcake
member
Reged: 15/02/2008
Posts: 5982
Loc: On top of the world!!
|
|
Just want to send you a message of support as well. Take care of yourself and your children first and foremost.
The lovely ladies of the forum are here to listen and offer support.
Hugs and best wishes to you.
cuppy.x
--------------------
|
Thimble
member
Reged: 04/12/2008
Posts: 4293
|
|
Don't suffer alone..............you now have all the friends you want with us here. Rant and rave as much and as often as you like and we will all listen and offer you virtual hugs, comfort and support.
But please take heed of Julie's advice..................
Take care..............thimble
--------------------
|
xxxSummerxxx
member
Reged: 29/03/2008
Posts: 10348
Loc: Billericay,Essex
|
|
Dear Laney,I cannot add to the very good advice you have been given already. It must have taken a lot of thought to put your difficulties on the Forum. I hope that reading all the sound replys has given you the strength to find more support that both you and your family need.
Children may always remember the difficult times,some may bury them so deep so acting now will be the way forward. .
When your children are Adults they will look back and appreciate your courage to take control of the situation......I know i did in regards to my own Mother.......
--------------------
|
JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 505
|
|
Laney - I'm so glad you came back here. I was getting worried you had decided not to come here again, and see all the messages of support that are waiting here for you.
But PLEASE please phone those helplines. Anyone who threatens a child, as your husband has done to his stepdaughter, with punching her in the face HAS to be stopped.
You say he's a 'saint' to put up with you and your children. Now, that sounds to me like he's sold you a real line - he's got you believing that he's done you a huge favour in taking on a woman with existing children.
Well, he hasn't. He's done himself one. He's got himself a skivvy and a whole lot of victims to bully and lord it over.
Underneath everything he may well be a nice man, but that nice man is buried under a very nasty one, and it's the nasty one that has to be got rid of, if the nice one is to show up.
I am worried that you say that his family etc think he is perfect - a LOT of abusers pull off this trick. They get the rest of the world to think 'oh,they're SO wonderful' while in fact they are a nightmare to their wife and kids - but if the wife and kids tries to tell anyone else what a nightmare the husband is, no one believes them!!!!
He's played mind-games on you for quite long enough. THe way out of this is clear - it need not end your marriage, as I say, the 'nice guy' may be salvagable, but he needs a lot of helpf - but not from you, from the experts. You can't get the nice guy out, because only the nasty guy is bullying and threatening and hitting you. Leave him to the experts, and the FIRST thing you must do is protect your children, and yourself. Once you are safe, then you can start to see if this man is actually worth the trouble it will take to sort him out.
Remember, HE IS THE PROBLEM. Not you. Or your children (it is NEVER the child's fault what the adult does - never)
But you must get help for yourself and your children.
PLEASE phone those numbers. Just pick up the phone and phone them. You can always hang up if you are nervous, and try again. I know it's scary, but remmber, all they will do is talk to you. They won't 'do' anything without your consent. They won't even know who you are until you tell them. They are very, very used to people phoning them being very frightened and nervous. They will guide you through.
Please just do it.
Come back here in a bit and please please tell us you've done it. Because we are worrying about you. We don't want to think of you alone in that house.
Another thing you could do is this - ask your two older children at school to tell one of their teachers. Doesn't matter which one, just one they like, and say their step-dad hit you, hit them (your son) and threatened to punch them (your daughter). The school will take it from there. Or they don't have to talk, just hand in a note to the teacher.
There's a lot of help out there for you, all you have to do is reach for it.
I know it's really scary, but your kids deserve better, even if, right now, your husband has brainwashed you that you don't. Do it for your children.
All the very best and PLEASE make those calls this morning.
Best, Julie.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
