3marchpickle
member
Reged: 03/01/2007
Posts: 14
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Hi, would like feedback from anyone please.
I have recently taken my 11yr old daughter out of primary school as she was being bullied and the head did nothing to resolve the situation. It has been going on for approx a year and the worst of it was that it was all my friends children who were doing it. I had tried on several occasions to speak to them but to no avail. One person whom I thought I was close to turned on me and said that my daughter is timid and thats why she gets picked on and ends up getting the others into trouble. She isn't timid but she is sensative and doesn't like any kind of confrontation. As a result I have lost three of my friends and more importantly my daughter has had to miss the last part of her education at primary school. I feel very let down by the lack of support for us as a family. Theplus side now though is that my daughter is a different child who regularly tells us she is happy and does not have that pale drawn look that we had got used to. The head teacher tried to lable the things that had happened to her as a game or teasing which we thought was unacceptable. Any comments would be gratefully recieved, thank-you
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Daffodil
member
Reged: 03/04/2008
Posts: 274
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Hi 3marchpickle and welcome to the forum.
I had a very similar situation with my eldest daughter when she was in her penultimate year at junior school. She was a petite girl, and a very sensitive and caring child who didn't have it in her to stand up to the bullies who again were children of friends/neighbours.
I lost count of the times I went into school over the year to see the Headteacher who would not accept that bullying went on in his school which, by the way, was a small village C of E school. In the end I decided that I would not put her through the suffering anymore, she had had enough and the school were doing nothing about it, to the point of denying that it was taking place so I took her and my younger daughter out of that school and moved them both to a different school so that she could enjoy her final year of Juniors.
To be perfectly honest, it was the best thing I did. She was able to have a happy final year, she changed completely and the old school would still not admit that they had a problem.
Im sure you have done the right thing, bullying is totally unacceptable behaviour but, as we know, it is all too prevalent in our schools. Your daughter is the main concern and Im glad that you say you can see a difference in her already - Im sure you also must have a feeling of great relief as you will have been suffering alongside her every day.
I hope she settles into her new school well and makes new friends and can put the nasty experience behind her.
And just one final thought - if the people you thought were your friends did not support you and your daughter through this most difficult time then at least you have seen their true colours and as upsetting as it is its time to leave them behind too and make new supportive friends who will help you through - you've made a good start by posting on here.
Best wishes for both you and your daughter.
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3marchpickle
member
Reged: 03/01/2007
Posts: 14
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thank-you daffodil your response made me feel better. I felt like I was the only one
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 454
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Bullies always have excuses, dont they.I have had three very sensitive children and 2 youngsters who did stick up for themselves. The three sensitive children have all done very well at school, and 1 is a Lawyer. 1 is disabled but now in a new school aged 18 where he is Sports Captain of the school. Once my children had left the school they were in, thay are grown up now,, they blossomed. The school refused to believe there was aproblem, which saddened us because the evidence was there.You have discovered that your friends were not what they seemed so now you will find new friends and your daughter will have a new and safe life. I wish you good luck and hope you will keep in touch to let us know how you are xx
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WoodyM
member
Reged: 01/04/2009
Posts: 682
Loc: Cheshire
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I just echo the previous comments, you do what is best for your children.
My son was bullied by his teachers when he was at junior school !! (and we were paying for the privilege!!) and he wasnt the only one. He is at Uni now and doing well. Don't be intimidated by professionals.
Good Luck...
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blossom97
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 4580
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I feel so sad when I read of bullying.My daughter is just finishing her first year at high school, and I dread her ever saying she is being bullied.I don't think any child, in any school is imune, rich or poor, good or bad school, it can go on anywhere.
You have done the right thing by moving her out..kids soon make new friends and although they probably never forget the bullying, once they are happy you see a real change in themXX
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 8034
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Hello - just to say you have done the right thing. You are her mother and no-one know your daughter as well as you do. Bullying is hideous and can leave deep emotional scars. Your so called 'friends' have shown themselves in their true colours, just move on, you can't change them.
Good luck to you both.
Foxie
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I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 568
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Your child is worth more than your friends... and fine friends they turned out to be! I know, though, how excruciatingly hard it is to tell someone you know and like 'it's YOUR child who is the problem for the others....' (in fact, so hard, I never have - just moaned about her and her children to other mums!)
I am so glad you took your child out (NO EXCUSE for the school to ignore this!) and she is happy now. One note of caution.
When she goes to secondary school, is she going to encounter the children who bullied her again??? If there is another option for sec. school you may want to take it.
If not, then do you best to ensrue that she has a good circle of friends from her current school (I take it she is Year 6 and leaving at the end of the term??), both those who are going to her secondary school, and some who aren't, and take extra pains to cultivate and maintain those friendships now and during the summer hols.
That means that when she gets to sec school she will have those good friends to socialise with, and feel secure with, even if the bullies from her old school are there too. Big school has the advantage of size! Because they are so, so much larger than primary schools, it's much easier for children to 'lose' bullies and so on, and if she has a circle of secure friends to be with, she will be less likely tobe picked on anyway, plus she will feel more confident and happy too. She may also find (I hope!) that seeing her old tormentors second time around may let her see them this time around as weak and pathetic, not the fearsome tormentors she once saw them as. Also, they, too, will be new to the big school, and less bullish and confident themselves!
If she can keep some friends who are going to a different secondary school, that may be a good 'back up' plus put things in perspective for her. Some bullied children can cope with a bad school providing they have a nice non-school life. For that reason, it could be a good idea to get her involved in non-school social groups, eg, provided via things like swimming clubs, ballet, etc, so she is mixing with children out of her school environment.
Finally, DO DO let the big school she is going to (assuming it's the one where the bullies are going) know what has happened. There will be a head of Year 7 who will have overall charge of the welfare of the new children, and if you let them know before hand, preferably meeting with them if possible this term, to plot them in. (They'll also probably be glad to know who the bullies are - as the bullies will be a problem to him too!). It could well be that, with that knowledge, he can actively avoid having your daughter put in a class with a 'known tormentor', which would help. That may not be possible, timetalbe wise etc, but it's worth asking.
All the very best, and I think you did totally the right thing. Childhood should never be ruined by bullies, and your daughter's happiness is worth everything.
Julie.
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 568
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One other thought - when your daughter goes to big school, will she have to go on the same bus as the former bullies??
This could be a problem - some children are given hell on school buses, so it's definitely worth avoiding.
You can find out where the buses will leave from, in respect of your address, from you local county council.
It is possible to change your child's bus. I know one mum who did that because her son was being given a hard time on his own bus, so swapped to a nearby one and was loads happier (because there were much nicer kids on it - mine included!)
Julie.
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 568
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Sorry - jsut had another thought! It might be a really good idea for your daughter to take up some kind of martial art.
This would give her both confidence and ability, and the whole point of martial arts is defensive, not aggressive. It may sound 'extreme' but they really can do wonders for the self-condifence of a timid or fearful child, and be very 'empowering'.
There's usually quite a good variety to choose from. Judo is pretty 'gymnastic' - lots of rolls and throws, so that may not be for her. Karate is much more like 'dancing' in that you don't go down on the floor! It's far more about blocking people attacking you, and then retaliating (if necessary) with hand chops and kicks. It's also very 'choreographed' as there are formal sequences of moves, again, very like dancing really, so it might appeal to a girl in that sense. I've done it a bit myself, and it was good fun!
Julie.
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3marchpickle
member
Reged: 03/01/2007
Posts: 14
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Thank -you Julie for all your comments. It was a very stressful time for all of us but as time goes on I'm more and more certain we did the right thing. Thankfully none of the bullies are going to the same school as her as we moved 2 yrs ago and kept her at the same primary school to avoid any disruption. So they will all go to their local schools which we are out of the catchment for. I have informed her new school of what has happened and they have met myself and my daughter and they were very supportive. She has made friends around where we live and will be starting in September with one of them and the yr 7 head is going to try and put them in the same form.
You are quite right it was so difficult to approach my friends about their childrens behaviour. But never did I think they would react in the way that they have.
I had thought about Karate for her as they have a club at the school where she will be going, just to give her a little self confidence. She is really looking forward to her new school and appears to have put the past behind her (I hope).
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Vinca
member
Reged: 19/10/2008
Posts: 2435
Loc: Kent
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Hi 3marchpickle,
If I were you I would talk to the Education Welfare Officer who is responsible for your duaghter's old Primary School. If you phone your Education Area Office, they should be able to put you in touch with her. EWOs don't just deal with attendance, but with every issue involving children's education, and also with any complaint a parent may have about a school.
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Dormouse
member
Reged: 04/05/2009
Posts: 371
Loc: Scotland
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Talking from experience of having been badly bullied at school, you did the right thing by taking her away from the bullies. As for your so called friends you are well shot of them.
I got badly bullied in my First and Second Year of high school. When I was younger I was very shy and quiet. I never found out why the bullies picked on me but they made my life hell. I hated the school. I did not tell my parents what was going on as I was to ashamed.
I only told my parent's about the one incident as i was left with bruising on my neck after what happened. I had been sitting in class talking waiting for the teacher to come in when all of a sudden the ends of my scarf were grabbed from behind. The bully and the other kids thought it was hilarious watching me trying to pull my scarf off as he pulled it tighter and tighter. He pulled it so tight that he pulled my chair back so that it was tilting. This meant he had a better grip on the scarf and I could not get it off. Just as I was about to pass out, my teacher walked in and saw what was happening. She probably saved my life as I do not think he would have stopped pulling.
The bully got hauled in front of the Head and his parents were informed. They also informed my parents as I had to be checked over by the a doctor to make sure that I was okay. My parents were furious and my dad wanted to report the bully to the police. I refused to let him do this. The bully was made to apologise to me which he did. After that the school decided it was dealt with and a one off incident.
After 2 years of bullying which did not stop after that incident, we moved away from the town. I loved my new school and I did really well. Trust me, the best thing that you ever did was to take your daughter out of the school.
When it comes to bullying, in my experience and the experience of my friend's who have kids at school a lot of the time, the schools do not want to know.
You followed your instincts and you did the right thing. I am so pleased that your daughter is now a lot happier and doing well.
Dormouse
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