lynne59
member
Reged: 07/06/2009
Posts: 1
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Hi ladies
This is my first time on the forum, but hope you may be able to help with some advice. My only child (daughter of 25) has recently moved out following her marriage. She left home when she went to uni but came home every weekend, to see boyfriend and part-time job. But this time it is different, on returning home the day after her wonderul wedding I was completely devasted when I went into her bedroom, it was completely empty, their was not a trace of her. (They had been moving her stuff during the week over to their new house). Suddenly it felt as though she had never exisited. Our job is done, she is a beautiful, happy succesful young woman, we have great realtionship and she has a wonderul husband all most parents ever wish for. But I feel utterly lost not having her around, I miss our little girlie chats when she came in at night and her annoying little mannerisms. Ironically my husband and I were beginning to look forward to the day she moved out as we were begining to feel al little taken for granted, but now I would give anything to have her back and fill the house with her presence. This over-whelming feeling has completely taken me by surpise as I have never really been a particularly emtional person, but I am really struggling so any advice you may have would be much appreciated, as I am sure there are many of you out there who have been through this experience.(PS I have a wonderul husband who is being very supportive but other mums feedback would be gratefull y received.
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jessica
member
Reged: 01/02/2007
Posts: 624
Loc: North Wiltshire
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Hi Lynne I know how you feel Ive just gathered together my daughters belongings they were packed up on Friday night and sent off on Saturday to her new house even the Bear with her school tie round it, she now 27.
Today my son went off (only for a week) for office training for the ATC hes 23. Yes, we've rattled around today went out to a pub for lunch and I've checked on the veg down the garden and its only 9. But tomorrow I will get myself out and help my friend build up his business which is what I've been doing with him and have for some time as I knew this moment would come and I've managed to fill my time during the week and have started lots of small projects. So I hope this is of help. Must say it does feel strange not having to plan/worry over the next...'crisis'?event?
Hope tomorrow bring new horizens for you
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Breeze
member
Reged: 23/01/2009
Posts: 151
Loc: Kent
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Hi and welcome to the forum Lynne59!
It is always difficult when your kids leave home. No matter how well you think you are prepared for it it is difficult not to feel redundant. However you do adjust!
Is your daughter going to be living near you? If so you may end up seeing as much of her as you did when she was at uni. Maybe you can meet up on a regular basis just the two of you?
It is also important to try to do some of the things you promised yourself you would do when the kids left home. Joining this forum may just be the beginning. If you join your local supper/ book / walking club you will soon make new friends and start to develop new interests. You will also be able to make plans with your OH without having to worry about what your daughter is doing.
I have two sons - both went off to Uni and now live for elsewhere. I have had to accept that neither of them is ever likely to live at home again - or even in the area. This does not mean we are not close - but we do not see each other as often as we used to.
It takes time to adjust - but believe me that strange empty feeling does go.
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bevvywevvy
member
Reged: 20/10/2008
Posts: 566
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Hi Lynne,
I'm not quite there yet but I think from what I have read, this is all quite natural. My D is about to leave home to go to Uni in September and I have occasional moments of panic at the thought that she won't be in my life every day as she is now.
Just writing about it makes my tummy churn!
My mum recently told me that when I married, she went home and sobbed her heart out. My dad, poor thing, was flabbergasted as I had lived away from home for 3 years by then and he couldn't understand why she was so upset. she explained that 'it was different,' I was not longer theirs!
My OH has told me to think about organising things for myself. New clubs, hobbies etc. I don't doubt for a minute that their will be tears and only time will make it better but there is no way around it.
Try to remember that she is healthy, happy and settled now with someone that she loves and wonderfully, that you like too. You have been a wonderful mum and role model for her and you will always be there for her. she will turn to you I am sure over the years. All girls still need their mums; I still call mine if I need advice. (other times too obviously!)
Not sure if this will have helped at all, just wanted you to know I cared.x
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carsma
member
Reged: 13/02/2009
Posts: 4603
Loc: Berks
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Welcome to the Forum Lynne.
Sure they are many of us to relate to that. I had plenty of experience of them travelling and uni, but now not married but living with their OH's, son in Staffford and daughter in Essex, me in Berks, it does feel really hard.
I find myself phoning way too often, well D at anyrate and have to stop myself so they can get on with their lives. D does come more than she should because she is worried about me for other reasons.
Others are right, you have to have a bit of a tearful time, then try and find some other interests, possibly doing some charity work, something for you too. Looking at the Lives forum can easily distract you. It was quiet today, but I haven't been on it for a while, so maybe people have been away.
Not much use to you, but at least you know others understand and there is always someone to have a moan to.........!!
Carsma x
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GILL3SQ
member
Reged: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2119
Loc: Staffordshire
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Welcome to the forum. Turn the clock back a year and I was posting on here as youngest was off to uni. There was a huge response.
From reading your post, you obviously have a great relationship with your daughter and is there any reason why that should change??? Absolutely not. You can enjoy each other's company in just the same way and you will come to appreciate your home life with OH that much more.
It will feel better each day. Don't forget you have also gained a son!!
G
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WoodyM
member
Reged: 01/04/2009
Posts: 856
Loc: Cheshire
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My daughter and son left home on the same day! one flew out to Fiji on his gap year and she flew out to be an au pair in Barcelona. Never bothered me at all, however, they both came back, then he went off to Uni. My daughter has been back at home, and working from home but is about to go to the States, again to au pair for 1/2 years. Now I am not sure it wont be difficult this time, she is very good company and I will miss the treatments! (she's a beauty therapist) but they have to go and I am really pleased that they have wide horizons. No real advice just keep busy.....XX
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scottishmags
member
Reged: 24/04/2009
Posts: 1745
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Just a thought... someone close to me has a child with special needs who is never going to leave and live independently, but will always need to be cared for. So worrying in the long term, because, apart from never having the freedom from looking after your child, what does the future hold for that child when parents are no longer around? The reality of a child who does not ever "grow up" and leave is actually not a happy place to be.
Of course we love our kids and miss them when they go, but it's the beginning of a new stage for everyone and the right thing to happen. And it's early days still... I'm sure you'll be fine!
My daughter is the same age and we get on much better now we're living under separate roofs!
Mags
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 8457
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Hi - there have been so many 'empty nest' posts on the forum, so I hope you can take consolation in the fact you are not alone.
You should pat yourself on the back for bringing up a happy and confident daughter, who is now moving onto the next stage of her life.
Take care
Foxie
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We all should know that diversity makes for a rich tapestry, and we must understand that all the threads of the tapestry are equal in value no matter what their color.
-- Maya Angelou
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emptynest
member
Reged: 10/11/2007
Posts: 559
Loc: South Wales
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Hi Lynne
Your feelings are very normal so don't worry. It just takes time to re-adjust to not having the children at home. My 2 sons left home one after the other and I found it very difficult.
I would recommend getting involved in a supper or walking group on the forum as that was a lifesaver for me. I don't know how I filled the time before and it is great to have women to talk to who are going through the same things as me.
For a long time I found it difficult. For example I would meet up with my sons in town to go to the cinema and would be so shocked at the end of the evening when they went their separate ways. I was so used to them coming home with me.
Do feel free to PM me if you want to have a moan. I find that always helps
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gre1958
member
Reged: 15/08/2008
Posts: 1419
Loc: Staffordshire
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Hello Lynne & big welcome
can only echo what others have said - I understand how you are feeling been there twice although both daughters not married they have done the uni thing and now have moved away , although one is only 9 miles away it's not the same is it ? All I can say is you will come to love the calm , clean house !!
Like other wise ladies have said plunge in here and go to supper/lunch clubs they are a life saver and lots of ladies in same position as you
wishing you well and keep posting and chatting S X
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Woodentop
member
Reged: 05/02/2009
Posts: 2272
Loc: Not where I want to be
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As with you and other ladies, I at times have felt completely empty its strange as I really didnt expect it to hit my children leaving home as hard as it did.
Our daughter left at the beginning of May after we had a terrible time with her living at home and her boyfriend treating our house like a hotel. All was sorted out thank goodness, and I see her or talk to her most days, not quite the same as her being here and having an evening together. Our relationship is actually much better and I'm proud of her, always have been and even more so now.
When we left our son at Uni I was very upset, we have a very good relationship and my husband said it was as if I had lost a friend and at times I really felt like that. I so look forward to seeing both of them. My son is coming home on Monday a day before my birthday and my daughter will be with me as well. Your daughter will always be there just in a different context, but you will so look forward to seeing her and will get used to the space in time I hope.
Woodentop
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