stargirl
member
Reged: 03/05/2009
Posts: 12
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I've been with my husband for 8 years, married for 4 and have a beautiful 1 year old daughter. I was his first serious girlfriend whereas I had been in a few serious relationships which resulted in me having had a varied and enjoyable sexlife and him, pretty standard.
8 years on and particularly since the birth of my daughter the spark has completely gone. He's a great dad and I love him, but he just doesn't make the effort (shaving, looks, clothes etc) and I just don't fancy him anymore. We've probably had sex once in 12 months and if it wasn't for battery operated devices I think I'd go insane!
So what to do. Accept the fact that this is my lot? I know people will say to talk to him but I know it will go in one ear and out of the other and how do you tell someone that you've been with so long that sex (when it happens) is poor? There is a part of me that is really tempted to get together with a married colleague who I know is inerested purely to satisfy these needs.
I know this will get frowned upon, but I haven't strayed yet (and never have) and just need something to make me feel sexy, wanted and desired again. Please help 
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bevvywevvy
member
Reged: 20/10/2008
Posts: 540
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Hi Star girl,
I am not very good at this kind of advice but will give it my best shot.
First thing is I understand completely what you mean. My first marriage reached the same place and it is a very lonely place at that. I felt unloved, unliked and desperately lonely. I knew that I could not face reaching the end of my life living in that empty, unfulfilling way.
I tried very hard to make it work and did try talking, even suggested counselling. I was told "no out of work social worker is going to tell me how to live my life."
Two years later I left.
It was the bravest thing I have ever done. Two young children to care for and self estemm at its lowest possible point. I did it though and grew through the process.
Eleven years down the road from that very hard day, I am remarried to the right person this time and am very happy.
It wasn't an easy road SG, but I think life puts these things before us to make us grow.
I wouldn't advise an affair. If the marriage is definately over and you have tried every thing you can to make it work then strike out on your own.
My personal opinion is that you shouldn't have affairs inside the marriage vows. Once you have ended those, then it's a different ball game, you can start to look for someone to make you happy again.
Others might advise differently of course and we all have different opinions on these matters, but that is my view point.
I do hope you manage to work it out, it is a really horrible place for you to be in.
Good luck.x
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jamjams
member
Reged: 09/01/2009
Posts: 1173
Loc: geordieland
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Well you can tell your other half he makes you feel unsexy, or would that be too blunt, remember blokes do not understand subtle hints.
You say he doesn't make an effort any more, may be he doesn't feel attractive anymore, it can happen to men after childbirth.
You don't say how old your OH is, it is just in at a certain age their testosterone drops off.
Why don't you suggest going on a date, this is what we did when our realtionship got a bit stale.
Get a sitter for your daughter, and make arrangements tell him its going to be like your first date so you both have to make an effort.
With out the crap of houses, shopping, children and bills, you can both think about each other and maybe rekindle your sex life.
If you do indeed love him, please try
Hope this helps
jamjams x
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anner06
member
Reged: 18/03/2008
Posts: 819
Loc: Northamptonshire
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Hi, I know how you feel. In some ways I was lucky as my ex had the affair and that made the decision and the break for me. If he hadn't I don't know if I would still be there. It takes alot of courage to leave, but it also gives you alot of courage. I also cannot advise an affair as I know the damage it does. If you want out, then make that decision for yourself - do not use an affair as an excuse or reason. Best of luck and do what you need to do for you
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marie50
member
Reged: 07/07/2007
Posts: 919
Loc: cleckheaton west yorkshire
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please dont have an affair, i was on the receiving end and it's the worst thing that has ever happened to me. however you feel about your relationship, you have to talk to your OH about how you feel, it's not fair on him. you sound as though you're in a rut which a lot of people end up in once a baby comes along. you have to work at things, having an affair is not the answer, stick with the vibrator !
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 505
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With a one year old child I'm not surprised you feel your marriage is flat. There's a whole lot of rubbish in the media about how you can sail through having babies etc and still have a hot sex life blah blah blah, but for the vast majority of families that's just rubbish.
If your marriage is survive you need to re-invent it. Do an audit, take stock, and, as above, hire a babysitter or better still a relative, and get out for the evneing, bretter still a night away in a romantic hotel etc etc.
You say your husband has turned into a slob, but what about you? If you are still able to keep your body in trim (or get it back into trim post natal), and make the effort to look good (and it takes SO much effort with a baby!), then he should do the same.
Don't have an affair within the marriage, I definitely agree with that. What will it achieve? Nothing but the destruction of your marriage.
Surely it's worth trying to re-invent your marriage and revitalise it. If you give it your best shot, and it doesn't work, then dump your useless saddo husband (as that is the message coming across) and strike out on your own.
However, don't take this 'baby time' as the norm - it really isn't. Those of us with older children can look back now and wonder how we ever survived with small children -the stresses were enormous, though we were accustomed to them at the time.
Best (unless you have an affair!) - Julie.
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2538
Loc: Somerset
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An affair is never the answer. Everyone ends up getting hurt.
The question is why he's changed. Many men feel left out after the children come along - they used to be the centre of someone's world and now they're just the wage earner because their partner doesn't seem to notice them any more. I know that's not how the wife thinks but men do see things very differently. I remember having this sort of conversation with a male friend almost 20 years ago. All of a sudden his wife changed from, in his mind, being an intelligent human being to someone who could only talk 'babies' and had turned from wife to mother. You need to be wife and mother - most men are just little boys at heart and can and do get jealous of the attention you give the children.
I've seen this with friends who have children - I honestly don't think the wife realises that her husband ends up feeling side-lined until things go wrong.
The best thing you can do is sit down and talk about how you feel - if you can't talk to your husband then who can you talk to? Remember it takes two to make a relationship.
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scottishmags
member
Reged: 24/04/2009
Posts: 1171
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Don't have the affair.
You say you love your husband so be honest with him. How do you know it will go in one ear and out the other? Don't you think he might be unhappy too but maybe avoiding facing up to the issue? There are ways of saying that you'd love your sex life together to be better without making it a personal criticism of him. If you tell him honestly how you strongly you feel he may well realise that things have to change. Maybe a little bit upsetting but far better than going behind his back.
I'm not staying people should be condemned to stay for ever in an unhappy marriage so be honest, take time to try to sort out the problem and if eventually you feel it's just not going to work you can move on knowing you behaved decently towards a man who you say you love and describe as a great dad.
It's not a nice situation to be in; I hope it works out for you both and your little daughter
Mags
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WoodyM
member
Reged: 01/04/2009
Posts: 624
Loc: Cheshire
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I can't add much to what has been said before except that we all go through these blips. Obviously only you can eventually decide what you want to do, but I think you should exhaust all the possibilities before you make a decision.
You sound fed up so...
Don't have an affair !!
You are right men don't listen, but you need to open him up somehow to improve the situation, only you know which buttons to press, but as said before take him out for a meal, surprise him and then start talking, not a full blown psychological profile just talk...try and remember the early days, the things that make you laugh.
I also think he might have some issues, not many men go off sex there usually is a reason, maybe he is fed up also. Introduce him to your vibrator !!
Don't assume he knows what you are thinking or feeling, in my experience they haven't a clue.
Good luck, keep posting hopefully it helps. 
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PatsyW
member
Reged: 28/12/2007
Posts: 2246
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Firstly, don't have the affair. It's just sex and the battery operated option is best. It won't expect anything from you for a start and it won't tell your colleagues in the morning.
Then, ask OH how he's feeling about your marriage. Listen to his answer without putting your thoughts forward. When he's finished, tell him how you feel. Not in a way that accuses him.
It might feel odd to begin with, a bit stilted and fake, but once you get going it will be OK.
If he won't take part in this conversation, you have two options. Put up with life as it is, or tell him that either he talks or you walk.
As for the sex part, don't bring his performance up until you've decided to work at the relationship. As part of the "new us" you can introduce new things to your sex life, ask him for what you want and if necessary show him!
Good luck.
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Well behaved women seldom make history.
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Brightspark
member
Reged: 16/03/2009
Posts: 96
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Hi Stargirl,
Agree with the other advice, an affair isn't the way forward. If you think you can't talk to him about how you feel (and it will be a difficult conversation to have), how about writing it down for him? Not in an accusing way, but tell him how you are feeling (maybe best not to mention the battery operated devices or the bloke at work though!). Putting it down in writing for him gives him a bit of time to process what you're saying and think it through before responding....often avoiding a row! The 'date' idea is a good one too. Don't give up yet.
Good luck x
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stargirl
member
Reged: 03/05/2009
Posts: 12
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I've read all your comments and have tears in my eyes. thank you to everyone who has responded, I thought I would be judged as a bad person/wife/mother because of the way I'm feeling so your advice and support has been so helpful and inspiring. I'm still in a state of flux, but grateful for the ideas and advice so far. Any more thoughts gratefully received, I don't have anyone else to speak to so you're all m stand in best friends right now! 
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 7838
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Hi stargirl and welcome to the forum
I would also say don't have an affair. So glad you found the Forum help and advice so supportive. Whatever route your chose, I wish you well.
Take care
Foxie.
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I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
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MrsBucket
member
Reged: 29/09/2007
Posts: 467
Loc: Kent
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Hi
Relationships are hard work and there have been times in our 31 yr marriage that we haven't liked the other person BUT you have to work through the difficult bits. If your Oh isn't giving what you want then look at what you can do to bring excitement in your marriage. This might mean making the first move and telling him what you like sexually...don't expect him to make the first move.
Men find it difficult to understand women but in my experience like to think that they are in charge...so let him think that but you can do a lot to manipulate the situation.
Good luck and it is worth making the effort because you will have a stronger relationship at the end.
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 505
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This may sound a bit sexist, but I do think there is a tendency for men to think they are still Handsome Hunks even when they have run to seed.....whereas we women think we have turned in to the back end of a bus just because we get a grey hair/wrinkle/one mm of extra flab, etc etc.
Every time some creep like the Italian prime minister (or whatever Berlusconi is!) slimes all over some 20 year old bikini girl, it just gives men the message 'see, you can be physically disgusting and still pull hot babes'.....
(Not saying that about all men - but the media generally paint a picture of unattractive males still pulling attractive females, but never the other way around!)
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popaloo1
member
Reged: 02/02/2009
Posts: 10
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Hi,
Many many women ( and men ) have felt as you do so you are not alone! Another site I go on runs a relationship course with a weekly question/task sheet. My husband and I did it as we felt a bit stale and it was fun, the main crux of it was to look back at how you used to be in the early days, what things attracted you in the first place, are they still there, what did you like doing together and are you still doing them, write down good points about each other and chat about old times, look out old photos of yourselves together and get TALKING!! Luckily my husband likes to talk and if things don't feel right he comes out and says so and we talk, if sex has got a bit predictable then no-ones afraid to say so and we do our best to sort things out...... it's not perfect but we keep going by talking through the rough times.
Take care and make sure you let him know how you are feeling without having a go!
Best wishes xx
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Optimistic
member
Reged: 14/12/2008
Posts: 84
Loc: SW
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Don’t under-estimate what having a baby can do to a relationship.
My youngest child started school last year and my OH took a day off recently; we realised that this was the first time that we had been just ‘a couple’ during the day for a whole decade.
We’d almost forgotten to be partners as we’d only been mum and dad - and that was how we saw each other. We held hands for the first time since 1999. Ridiculous!
Looking back on this now, I can see how important time alone as a couple is. Perhaps you view him as just a dad; perhaps part of you resents that his life hasn’t changed much whilst yours is turned upside down; not saying you do feel like this – only can go by my experience.
You do need to tell him how you feel; he can’t even begin to make changes if you don’t.
I’m not saying (in any way) that all relationships are the same but even if you were married to Brad Pitt, surely the spark would eventually fade but hopefully (like my parents) you remain commitment partners who love each other.
You may, of course, be deeply unhappy and that is another matter altogether.
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 442
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You say you are his first serious relationship.It might then be hard for him to know what you need? My husband married for the first time aged 55, me and children, Ex, in the background. It wasnt easy for him and so we try to have good chats about what we both expect from the marriage.If you thik your husband is changing his behaviour why not ask him about it. Perhaps he thinks you dont fancy him anymore now that you have achild. Men do react like this sometimes. If you love each other there can be solutions found if you talk to him. Could someone look after the child whilst you have a break together? Very best wishes and good luck whatever you decide xx
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