JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 556
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Yes, I think Mrs B has said something that can definitely be true in some circumstances. It's as if other people feel that to offer the Mrs B's of the world any help is almost insulting! But I guess it's still agood idea to say something like 'I always admire you for being so capable, but please do let me know if there is anything I can do to return some of the help you have always been so kindly and capably willing to offer me'.
But her words ring true for me personally in one sense. I find it very hard to invite people to my home for meals - I'm not a good cook, and not very good at hospitality, whereas my friends are brilliant at both! So I tend to think I'm 'unworthy' of offering hospitality etc. So what I do instead is pay for a meal out from time to time instead - at least I think they'll have had good food!
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Olisa
member
Reged: 26/02/2009
Posts: 472
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Having read all your posts I think Mrs Bucket (hi Mrs B I met you in Broadstairs when you were still Marge) is right. Some of us do give off an aura of being so strong and competent that others never actually think we need anything in return for the help and consideration that we have given. If only they realised that under that tough exterior is someone who would like a bit of cossetting from time to time.
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 6211
Loc: runcorn
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Personally i don't think the world is inhabited by shallow people.
I haave no family, so I can't comment on that perspective, but i am blessed by exceptional friends.
Possibly because I have no family, I invest a lot of time and effort in those friends. Some are more casual than others - when you first meet, you never know where they will go. Sometimes friends are for an evening out. Others are there when you need them. I'm one of those who doesn't need much support - I'm going through something at the moment which I can't talk about and of the couple of people I have told, they've both siad they'd be totaly wiped out, so obviously I just have the deal with things gene!  . But on the one occasion when I did need help, Mr C's mad few months with the Trollope, I found a real core of around 7 friends that went way beyond the call of duty in their emotional and practical support. It took, IMO, years to build up those friendships to that level.
It's very difficult to know how you are to other people and I hope that I can be as good for them as they were for me if they need help.
That doesn't really answer your question, beyond the fact that I seem to disagree that the world is populated by shallow people. Maybe it's a bit like waiting for Mr Right and you keep having to kiss frogs first. Persevere until you find the right people.
That
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I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
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PLASMO
member
Reged: 13/03/2008
Posts: 13044
Loc: FLOUNCELAND
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Hi Everyone,
I have read all the theads above, and from them, have come up with this.
In life there has always got to be give and take, there has always got to be compromise, and there has always got to be understanding.
Behind close doors, no one really knows what goes on behind them, some people are extremely lonely, sad, dont have a lot of friends, and for that matter dont even have families to call upon.
I think also as you get older, most areas these days are full of young families, where the parents both go out to work, so there doesnt seem to be any of the chatting over a fence, come and have a cuppa talk, that used to be prevalent years ago.
I have lived here for twelve years, coming from a very busy, social, environment, to basically a dead end. I still dont know many people in the vicinity of my house, years ago, I put flyers through 26 doors inviting people to the house for a cheese and wine party, two couples accepted, and from that day to this, havent seen them again.
We live our lives now in such a way, that most people are so tired at the end of the day, the thought of socialising with neighbours etc, is the last thing on their minds.
I try to be kind and helpful to anyone I may come into contact with that require my help, but I could count on one hand the people that I could call upon.
It is unfortunately, just the way it is.
Plasmo x
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 453
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Hi Cecillia 55. I like your halo and its certainly glowing ! Its nice to know you are there with your busy life and lots of music. Son is really having a good sulk tonight, his cricket match came unstuck! I have found so many supportive ladies on this forum and this restores much of the faith! 
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cecilia55
member
Reged: 29/02/2008
Posts: 327
Loc: South London
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Hi Suejane, I'm blushing now, but am pleased to get a reply as my comments crossed with MrsBuckets'
Our parents were people who had an open door to anyone in need and one day a 'lady' came to our door asking for shelter as it was raining and then later for money,because she needed some to catch a bus home!!
Bare in mind that we lived in a fairly smart residential area in Hampshire, not near a big town, so I suppose she could have been genuine.
Dad and Mum had a chat with her and gave her a cup of tea and as far as I remember she wasn't a Tramp or a Bag Lady and looked quite respectable. Her name was, she said, Audrey Waterfall!! Even at the age of 10 or so I thought she was having us on. Anyway I can't recall what happened but like as not my Dad would have given her some money and even a bed for the night, sadly neither of my parents are here to tell the end of the story properly.
My Dad and Mum were very friendly and Mum was an extremely generous person who would like nothing bettter than a good gossip with a cup of tea.
Here's one for us.
Cecilia xx
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rjaly
member
Reged: 09/02/2007
Posts: 172
Loc: Leicestershire
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Wow! This has really struck a chord with a lot of people, me included.
So, it leads me to wonder what the other people that forumers consider 'takers' and who have been referred to several times above would think about us. Is it a question of perspective a lot of the time?
If I am really honest I can think of some people who I have'taken' from for support, but equally I know that I too have supported many others as well. Food for thought?
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MrsBucket
member
Reged: 29/09/2007
Posts: 477
Loc: Kent
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Cecilia, your story reminds me of one my OH tells about his family. His dad was a salesman and one day picked up a tramp or 'gentleman of the road'. He brought him home and this man lived with the family for quite some time -months if not years. Then one day he upped and left as the road called to him. The family kept in touch with him and to their delight he settled in a house and married and they remained in touch until he died.
OH father had the opinion that if he had done good to someone what that person did with it was up to them but his conscience was clear.
My philopecy tends to be that what goes round comes round...so how I treat people will come back to me at some stage.
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jewelly
member
Reged: 05/06/2009
Posts: 7
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Hello everyone
I'm new to this but felt I had to say that I agree with what you are saying as it is a very selfish world we live in and no one seems to be bothered or interested in anyone else. I'm so glad it's not just me who feels like this.
There are a few of us left who are trying our best to be kind, interested and friendly to others so don't give up!
Lv Jewellyxx
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 6211
Loc: runcorn
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Hi Jewelly
Nice to see your post.
Why not go and introduce yourself on the main forum, you'll get a warm welcome.
Chilla x
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I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
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Scarlets
member
Reged: 01/04/2007
Posts: 1889
Loc: Just across the pond
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I feel like this about family and I really am rather jealous of people who have family nearby.
We chose to move away from them - both married with children. I so regret it some days.
If I try to explain to my friends or even other members of the family they think I am mad.
I often wonder what would it be like if something happened to my OH. Would the kids rally round. I wonder. Or would they just call whenever they think Nana NEEDS a visit.
If they had a problem - and they have, where would they go first I wonder.
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jewelly
member
Reged: 05/06/2009
Posts: 7
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Hi Chilla
Thanks for your welcome
Jewelly x
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xxxSummerxxx
member
Reged: 29/03/2008
Posts: 10533
Loc: Billericay,Essex
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I really need to think about this although what i will say is that i seem to meet people who are so wrapped up in themselves ,its all me me me,they know little about me then are suprised when i mention for example I have a older Sister etc etc.
You meet up and for the first hour "they" talk about themselves when they know you have "stuff" going on. Its the same the next time you meet...
Since joining this Forum i feel it is changing slowly...You know that pm that say Hi,how are you etc?
I had so many pms and Texts re my Jobas i thought i would be made Redundant and my friend whos going through dificulties that i really didnt feel alone.
LOng may this Forum go on,its certainly changed my life , thank you !!
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Chatelaine
member
Reged: 23/08/2007
Posts: 4176
Loc: A village somewhere on the Con...
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Georgiegirl, when my H was still alive our home was always open to everyone, and I was the hostess..... cooking, entertaining, making my Hs family and friends welcome. When my H died, within months everyone had abandoned the too young looking widow, and wives quickly yanked their Hs away from me..... I was on my own.
I've been through a lot in my life since then. Following on from some bad experiences over the last few years, with amongst others an "energy vampire" (someone whom I once considered a very dear friend before he turned into a drain, an E.V.......!!), plus some bereavements early this year, I have changed abruptly the last few months.
I have no family. I only have my pets. I have no friends where I live now, and no social life. I am friendly with some people whom I met through art classes, but have no hopes of friendship. If I don't have hopes or expectations, then I will not have disappointments either. Do I mind? For starters I cannot change a thing about it...... I am over here, an alien, a foreigner in a "strange area".
Thankfully I have always been a bit of a reclusive, so I could adapt easily. I love my home.... my garden.... my pets. I have lots of interests and I keep very busy. I close my front door, and keep myself to myself.
Georgiegirl, I have just accepted the situation. Of course it would be wonderful if things were different. But society has changed...... all over hte world...... And I have decided that if I want peace and quiet in my life and existence, then I need to keep my door closed, and keep myself to myself. I;ve had enough hassle, and pain.
The forums I am on, and some of my UK, etc friends keep me "sane" and in contact with other humans.
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 453
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Chatelaine i wonder where you are? I have a very ancient European ancestry, although i live in Wales, i have felt very much at home in France or Switzerland when i am able to visit.I would always be happy to chat to you. Im very shy and this forum has helped me so much to be a bit more assertive. But although i am remarried and my son lives with us, i can manage my own company a bit more now, i just love music and can be happy with my classical composers. Years ago in another life my door was always open to other mums and children but we were badly taken advantage of, and now i live in a new area with only 1 child, and i confess i am a little more cautious.Very best wishes and have a good week, we also love our pet pussy cat, we learn so much from him!
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3marchpickle
member
Reged: 03/01/2007
Posts: 14
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Hi georgiegirl, you are not alone. we feel exactly the same way. having recently just experienced loosing 3 friends after five years over an issue with our children I have lost all faith in human nature. It seems the nicer you are the worse off you come. We too smile and take an interest in people. We help whenever we can and it rarely comes back. But you cannot give up. someone once said to me for every 10 horrid people there will be 1 nice one. not great odds i admit but you have to keep looking for them even though you don't always feel like it.
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kafferlilly
member
Reged: 26/04/2007
Posts: 732
Loc: NORTH WEST
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I know this is a 'bit' late to post  ..but this has touched a nerve in me for many reasons.......
DD is still in bed due to our disagreement we had yesterday over the amount of room my elbows will have in the new kitchen he is planning......
Not often TG...but when he is upset he goes into one of his sulks and he either lays there or sits there and puts himself into a deep sleep.... 
So yesterday I spent the day with my lovely son and enjoyed it.....I thought he may have been out of his mood when I got home....but no.....today in bed....
I thought I would suggest we go out together but that didnt inspire a feeling of love or harmony.....
I was going to go out again......and this is were I am now coming to the relevance of my post.....[sorry to be long winded]....
I had no one to 'go out' with.....  ....
You see I have 4 sisters one lives down South and for various reasons over the months my relationship with the 3 that dont has not been 'loving' or sisterly to say the least......
Whilst DD and I were/are close and lovey dovey its ok......but coming upon this topic has realy set me thinking....apart from my daughter and son [TG] who would I turn to for companionship.... 
Chatelaine I have always admired your independence....but there MUST be times when you could do with a 'drinking' partner....some one you can just BE with.....and Im not just talking about a male companion...in fact totally no male....but sometimes just reding between the lines........ 
Any way getting back to me......yes these forums are truly wonderful and helpful in soooooo many ways.....
Do I stretch out a hand of friendship accepting that my sisters dont think their actions can hurt or upset me......and think Im being 'too touchy' when it does...... 
Leave DD to come out of his sulk then resume 'normal' relations.....or bugger the bloody lot of them..... 
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Kaff..x
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Thimble
member
Reged: 04/12/2008
Posts: 4325
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kafferlilly...........you could have been me writing this. I am in the same boat and went through the same emotions as you.
If I needed some companionship, someone to just call round to have a coffee with or a "girlie" eveing with there is absolutely noone. I am an only child, we never kept in touch with any of my mums or dads family so no cousins etc.
Apart from my OH and my son there is no-one. Sad isn't it?
BUT it has been like this for all my life so have got use to it it was only when I heard other ladies on the forum say they were going off to meet up with friends, phoned someone to chat to because they were having a hard time, a friend came running because they were needed etc. that it actually hit me how there is noone.
I will be your "virtual" drinking partner if you want!!! Not the same I am afraid.
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kafferlilly
member
Reged: 26/04/2007
Posts: 732
Loc: NORTH WEST
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arh Thimble that is a real nice thought....and why not....I wonder if Chatelaine is about.....and we can put the worlds to right....
Mind I suppose the effort has to come from us.....if we are not happy about something we realy should have the where for all to be able to change it....
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Kaff..x
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KM4
member
Reged: 15/07/2009
Posts: 10
Loc: Wanstead E11
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Oh how I wish could type quicker! I have read the many comments on this forum many echo my own life at present.I wish you all well -just knowing that there are others out there trying to keep all th eballs in the air is a comfort. KM4
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