georgiegirl
member
Reged: 28/04/2009
Posts: 47
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I am curious are there others out there like me? I feel I am odd from most people! Everyone I speak to seems to have people to turn to in their lives. I am married but I feel that outside our front door, there is just no-one at all who cares about us. No matter how caring and sharing we are, we have found, (when needed) so-called friends are in fact just very selfish and couldn’t care a less. I listen to people chat at work or on the bus etc., and they are always talking about a family member or good neighbours’ and friends. Because of being hurt so much, I am becoming skeptical of even trying to meet new people anymore. We are pleasant; we smile at people and are genuine and interested in what others have to say. I would just like to see/feel someone was just a little interested in us for a change. Are there others, who like us, don’t have anyone outside their front door, or is it really just us? Are we destined to meet the shallow of this world? Help tell me we are not alone!!!
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jessica
member
Reged: 01/02/2007
Posts: 621
Loc: North Wiltshire
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No georgiegirl your not alone. Peoples attitude is 'Its not my problem' Others, I find are too busy trying to hold body, sole and home together that they havent anything left over to help others and when YOU find time to help someone it never seems to be returned, so the keep myself to myself attitude exculates.
I find that people are more interested in daft programmes watching the soles of peoples ugly feet than being aware that an ambulance had pulled up next door. In my opinion its the me,me, me attitude.
Hopefully this present climate, with luck, may turn things around.
Youve only to look at the MP to show what a greedy way of life some are leading
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annemari
member
Reged: 07/03/2008
Posts: 3102
Loc: Gloucestershire.
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Georgiegirl, you are far from being alone, as my OH and I come into the same category.
Like you, we take an interest in people, and those in need, we help if we are able to, but unfortuantely this is not reciprocated.
This was never more true than when a couple of years ago, OH became very ill and unable to work, (we are both self-employed and running our own business together, OH is the hands on, while I do the paperwork) Are you picking up the scenario? No hands on means no paperwork.
At one time OH's son used to work for and with us,but decided after a lot of expensive training, it wasn't for him,so he left. We did think however, that in this instance he would offer to lend a hand,but "No" not a chance.We didn't see him for dust. Consequently, we were very much on our own, nor, did he visit or did any other relatives.
Recently, S's marriage fell apart, and who did he come to first?? that's right his Dad, and between us we offered to help him out financially to put a deposit on a flat that he wanted to rent. Since then he has been conspicuious by his abscence, except to bawl down the phone at both of us because he didn't agree with his Nanny going into care. Truth be told, he could see his 'inheritance' being swallowed up in Care Home Fees.
OH and me between us have 8 close blood relatives,of adult age, 4 of whom have never visited us,despite living only 17 miles away. 2 only visit when they want money, and the other 2 do visit on a social scale as and when they can, only to kick us in the teeth a short while later by boasting of this that and the other.
OH and me have now decided that we are better off on our own. Life is less hassle.
So, chin up georgiegirl, you are not alone, and for a start you have us all here, who although may not see you, are more than willing to be friendly and supportive.
Best Wishes to you and your OH.
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Annemari xx
 The Three Musketeers were together again at Cardiff. Summer, ChattyCathy and my 'Mum' Auntie Annemari"
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rosettastone
member
Reged: 11/03/2008
Posts: 787
Loc: Kent/Surrey borders
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Hi
I think some people are just very selfish and don't realise the hurt involved. My MIL never asks my OH how he is , has never shown any interest in him or us as a couple , pours scorn on our relationship to us and anyone she meets.
Some people are quick to take advantage of others as well. There are some genuine people out there , sometimes its hard to find them.
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carpe diem - seize the day!
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Thimble
member
Reged: 04/12/2008
Posts: 4293
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This definitely hit home. We are exactly the same. In the last 18 months we have had the sum total of one relative visiting!!! She only comes when she visits her mum who is in a nursing home here. And then only if the other relative she visits is not going to be at home. She has been 3 times so far. No friends have visited. My sons one friend in Grantham has visited him every 8-10 weeks and his best friend has been about 3 times.
Like all you other ladies we go out of our way to be helpful, caring, considerate and thoughtful. So why can people not reciprocate.
We too keep ourselves to ourselves now. I have made friends with some ladies on the forum here but others that I started to be friends with have stopped keeping in touch now.
The world use to be a far more friendlier place where everyone was willing to help their fellow neighbours. We say hello to our neighbours and pass time of day if out gardening but that is it.
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 505
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"So why can people not reciprocate"
Give them one chance to reciprocate - two at a stretch, then draw a line and never EVER do them a favour again. If they are relatives, even more so! Annemari's stepson sounds a nightmare, and unless there's some 'dark reason' for it (eg, suppose Annemari was the one who broke up his parent's marriage)(many apologies if that's totally untrue! ) then there is no excuse for his behaviour. But a lot of children are selfish anyway.
I have a theory that selfish parents have unselfish children (because they've trained them to run around after them!) and unselfish parents have selfish children (because they've spent their lives pandering to them!).
As to the overall picture, in respect of friends and acquaintences, I have found great help and friendship amongst other mums at my son's schools - a good few of us 'got together' at primary school, with coffee mornings and so on, and for the most part everyone is kind and helpful, and it's mutually reciporcated. There are a couple who are 'users' but we have wised up to them now, and usually they don't get us to run around after them any more.
Julie.
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2538
Loc: Somerset
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There are givers and takers. OH has said many times that we are always the ones who say yes if anyone asks for help but if we need help everyone else is 'busy'. You're far from alone. We have a couple of close friends who we see regularly (usually we visit them because their work means they can't get away easily) but rarely get visitors. I think one of the reasons many of us are here is because we get the support we don't get elsewhere.
As Annemari said we all have each other here.
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 505
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I was thinking - I wonder if online groups are very supportive not because we are all wonderful people (though of course this is true...  ), but because it's not only relatively 'easy' to be supportive - ie, doesn't take long to write a cheering or reassuring message - but also because it's 'safe' for want of a better word.
What I mean by that is that because we are all online, and I would say that most of us - outside supper clubs etc - don't actually know each other in the real world, we know that if we want, we can just 'drop out' again, and not go on being helpful etc. Whereas in the real world, perhaps people feel that if they help a neighbour/friend once, they will always be called on to help??
I think Chrissi's point about 'always saying yes' is interesting. Sounds like it's time to say 'sorry we're busy' the next time one of the 'busy' ones ask you for help. Maybe some people genuinely think that you are the kind of people who have plenty of time on their hands, so it's not a problem for you to help, but of course for them it would be a problem as they are so, so, busy. Some people are extraordinarily insensitive.
I think some people also have a feeling that 'oh, they have it easy!' - I know a divorced mum (A) who has another divorced mum friend (B), but because the A works, and B is stay at home, A think B has an easy life so why shouldn't she pick up A's kids etc etc. What A doesn't seem to take on board is that B has deliberately chosen not to work so she can be at home for her children, and she didn't give up her work (and her salary!) to be a free taxi driver to A who has, thank you very much, got her job and the salary that goes with it. But you can see that A doesn't think that way!
Julie
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 442
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Certainly after many years of abuse from previous husbands and in the community i lived in, i lost trust in people. Now, living in a different place, with a kind husband who can also be very much into himself,i am begiinning to look after myself more.I have found so much support from the ladies on these forums but also i have been encouraged that most people are ok.I have no family and rarely hear anything from Husbands family, they dont like my son being here, yet i am a giving person. You learn in the end who to give too and who to hold back from! Yet human beings can show wonderful qualiies as well as truly selfish behaviour.I am very much keeping to myself but aware that good things can happen.
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Thimble
member
Reged: 04/12/2008
Posts: 4293
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Juliej.............I agree with you about "on line forums" and giving support. We can let our caring natures come out in force by offering support, advice, virtual hugs and comfort to those who need it without the problem that it will not be reciprocated.
We all know that if we are suffering, just need some comfort or advice that there are loads of ladies here only ready and willing to give it. We might give our all today to lady A because she really needs it and then tomorrow it might be the turn of, say, Lady D. But we know that when it is our turn for the comfort and support we will get it. BUT it may not come from either Lady A or Lady D who might be on holiday, off doing something or just "hiding away" as they are not having a good day.
So this is where this forum comes into is own for me. It takes the problem of "well I gave her support why can't she support me now" away.
Hope this makes sense.....................
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3733
Loc: London
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Thought for the day: Think how you want people to be, then be like that yourself.
It is all to easy to lose faith in people and become cynical, but it is not the answer. I try to treat everyone the same - some people are great, some are awful and at times in my life I have been both. I find it is much easier not to expect too much then I am rarely disappointed.
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georgiegirl
member
Reged: 28/04/2009
Posts: 47
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Interesting to read replies. Over the years we have seen friends change. Everything appears fine when things are going ok but I noticed once I had some problems and health issues to contend with these friends showed their true colours. I think because I am just so much the opposite of this that it affects me so badly. I would only have had to have a whiff of someone in need or such like and I wouldn’t be able to do enough for them.
Oh well, at least I do know from being on here that there are some ‘thinkers’ around,
Issi it was a bit frustrating reading your Thought for the day: Think how you want people to be, then be like that yourself.
Our philosophy has always been ‘treat people the way you like to be treat’ We do have a really thoughtful son but I often feel he, like us, is always considering others, do our type then just get used and/or taken for granted?
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3733
Loc: London
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Point taken Georgiegirl. I just read that quote in the Daily Mail today and took it to heart. To be truthful, I find that some people are so thoughtless there is nothing you can do and being the soft one with them just makes them worse. Keep the faith though; there are lots of good people out there which you have yet to meet.
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 505
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Yes, I think it's a question of 'Do as you would be done by' and then 'Do as you've been done by'!
ie, be nice first, and if it's not reciprocated, ignore them. Don't be a doormat.
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Bizibee
member
Reged: 25/03/2009
Posts: 613
Loc: North Wales
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I have to agree with most of what has been said by all you lovely ladies. I am a compassionate person and more often than not in life I have received a few hard knocks from people. My OH says that I shouldn't expect everyone else to have the same principles and ideals as I have. He said that I shouldn't ever expect too much from anyone and then I won't keep getting disappointed by people's actions (or non-actions) I guess he's right in a way. In the past few years I done a lot of pruning of friends that have let me down.
I remember what Joan Collins once said, she said, 'In life you have people around you that are either drains or radiators. When you get to a certain age you have to be kind to yourself and get rid of the drains and keep the radiators' I have done this and feel now that I am surrounded by radiators, both family and friends.
Drains can really get you down by their sheer negativity and I am too old now to put up with second or third degree friendships.
I am far happier and content than I have been in years - however, I have to say it wasn't easy. I didn't actually 'have words' with any of my friends, I just sort of back pedalled and didn't return 'phone calls, emails etc. It was hard but now it's done and I now can give 100% to all my radiators!
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aec13cat
member
Reged: 08/01/2009
Posts: 2930
Loc: N. Ireland
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I think it is now that people have such busy lives and things going on they are so involved in their own lives and don't realise they are ignoring other people. I think sometimes this is not done on purpose just they really don't think. I have to put my hands up to this myself as over last few months haven't been there for friends and actually forgot a birthday but all down to so many things going on but it is no excuse and I feel so bad about it. Don't give up everyone on being your lovely helpful selves.
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 7838
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I agree that people are just so busy and preoccupied especially nowadays when life is so uncertain. People are tired and perhaps not keen to get involved in case they have to give more in time, patience, money etc. than they feel they can afford. Lots of people I know say they are peddling faster and faster just to stay in the same place.
aec13cat - I forgot someone's birthday last month too. This is so unlike me too.
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I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
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MrsBucket
member
Reged: 29/09/2007
Posts: 467
Loc: Kent
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I would like to add another thought to the discussions here...I hope I won't offend anybody as that is not my intention but I speak from my own experience in the past.
People who are always there for other people can appear to be very efficent, self contained and capable. This can be percieved as not needing other people and as a result friends and/or family may feel that they can cope with anything resulting in them not offering to help as they may percieve that they are unable to match up or would not want to offend by offering help..
This was my experience in the past and I know that I found it difficult to accept help and always needed to be in control. I was always inviting people for meals etc but never received any invitations back because as I later found out they felt they couldn't live up to what I had produced. (I'm not saying I was that good just that I could not let anyone see anything less than perfect).
I was discussing this issue with my mother and she has never had anyone to look out for her (either parents or OH) and had to rely on herself...now she is getting older and finding things hard even family don't offer to help her as they don;t want to offend her by impying she can't manage.
I hope you can understand the gyst of what I am trying to say, as I said another perspective to think about.
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cecilia55
member
Reged: 29/02/2008
Posts: 326
Loc: South London
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I try to treat people the way I'd like to be treated and often feel that I am taken for granted and in danger of becoming a doormat!
My OH has the same attitude and I'm happy to say my son has too. There are caring people in the world but I also feel that some do not have the sensitivity to realise how uncaring they seem to others.
I have felt guilty these last few days as I haven't had enough time to come online and hope that forum friends don't think I've forgotten them. 
My life is totally mad as we work at home and in school and don't have many hours to socialise, but if a friend needed me I'd help and do whatever I could, make a meal/ go shopping for them/ look after a child/give them a bed for the night and would offer a shoulder to cry on or discuss a problem if need be.
Is my halo glowing???????
I'm not really blowing my own trumpet, just thinking aloud!!
Cecilia
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Goingbackwards
member
Reged: 22/08/2008
Posts: 2602
Loc: Isle of Wight
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Mrs Buckett - you are so right ! I have alays been there for so many people - but not many people have been there for me, not the old friends that I have helped for many years.
It is true that because you are strong they perceive you as not needing their support etc.
Since my OH died I can honestly say that I have had more support from newish friends plus one very good friend who lost her partner soon after me - we have been each others major players.
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