gigi
member
Reged: 12/04/2008
Posts: 2473
Loc: Hampshire
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every day will be different, ups and downs, but each one is a step towards the future and away from the hurt xG
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alisonmpg
member
Reged: 19/05/2009
Posts: 31
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Hello Patsy
Just to say that I've ventured into studying again after "O" levels more than 35 years ago - just a taster course in Environmental Studies, but it's a start!
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alisonmpg
member
Reged: 19/05/2009
Posts: 31
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Hi SueJane
Coincidentally I've just signed up for a 10 point taster coure as well - Introducing Environment. After a 35 year gap in relation to studying and even then only "O" levels, it seemed a more gentle way into things! I hope you get on OK with your own course 
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alisonmpg
member
Reged: 19/05/2009
Posts: 31
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Hi Kezabel
Just to say thanks for contacting me and, yes, it is helping knowing that there are others out there who have been down the same road or simply want to offer a little bit of support during dark days. I know I'll be able to smile again one day and hate how this situation has really knocked me for six, especially when there were no real "problems" before (unless of course I missed all the signs through being so "in love"). Anyway, I really do appreciate the messages.
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6515
Loc: Kent UK
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Don't know what to say to be honest Alison and that will help but here is a heart felt and well ment hug for you and your daughter.
Wait for it
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dbverycherry
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lindylou52
member
Reged: 11/06/2008
Posts: 12
Loc: Borders
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Hi - I'm just new on here but I can so so sympathise. I'm such a mess I don't know how to go forward and sadly have no "one" friend I can totally talk to. My first husband was handy with his fists and has since died - second husband decided to up and leave to live with a friend. We're still not divorced after 5 years as he will not come to a financial settlement.
I met someone over the internet when I dipped my toe in the water sotospeak - we fell head over heels and made such plans - he would relocate and move nearer, concerts and trips planned but often cancelled as if he couldn't actually follow through. Even as I read this it sounds daft - now he has done as yours did. Just started distancing himself - he had the last three weekends off work and said we could make up for lost time as he's been working a lot. On the first one he decided a football match was necessary, Second - I just heard nothing and this last one - some matres had asked him to do something and his car needed washing. We had planned a holiday next month and as my self esteem has always hovvered only just above bottom after the fisticuffs, I'm so low now, I don't think I will ever get up!! Like you I was never complacent and worked at the relationship, always tried to look my best etc etc. I live in the Scottish Borders - east side and feel so reaaly "alone". I don't have a counsellor and as I have been married before, some people are of the opinion that i should maybe "call it a day" relationship wise  . The thought of never having anyone special in my life just guts me - sorry I'm rambling on and crying as I read this.
I wish you the best of luck in managing to work something out of your circumstances.
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junemc
member
Reged: 12/02/2009
Posts: 882
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Just popped into the forum and read your very sad post Lindylou. You have really been through the mill havent you!! I just wanted to say hello and welcome you to the forum, I havent had any of the bad experiences that you have, but just wanted to say how sorry I am and that I am sending you very positive thoughts and a couple of hugs.
It sounds as if this last manfriend is not the one for you. However, you should not give up, those who say that are wrong!! There are some really good people out there who will treat you well, in the way you deserve to be treated, you have just been unlucky.
Try not to be too hard on yourself, you have survived one heck of a lot of bad stuff, and you are still here. You are a lot stronger than you think. Dont let this one man bring you down, you and your daughter are worth far more than that!!
Be strong..................June xx
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
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Lindylou,
can you not force the situation with the divorce? Someone we know had their divorce finalised a year ago even though the financial side is still outstanding.
Relationships are never plain sailing and you deserve so much better than someone who's busy 'washing his car'. Don't give up on relationships, just don't go looking for romance, perhaps look for friendship instead (you never know where friendship will end up and if it doesn't turn to romance you've still got a good friend). The right one will come along when you least expect it but in the meantime try to enjoy just being you and doing what you want to do without having to think of someone else.
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3746
Loc: London
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Reading these posts has reminded me that I have read, and indeed have experienced, that it is very common for relationships to "stall" after around 4 years. One or other of the couple simply gets bored and starts to ask if this is it. If a couple split they go on to someone else and the whole process repeats itself. If the couple stay together the relationship goes into another phase. In my opinion very few men will actually talk about how they feel and, as we can see, there are a lot of bewildered women out there asking what they can have done wrong. The answer is - it is not your fault. Men will simply not talk and so miss out on how fulfilling and enriching a relationship can be when it moves to a higher plane provided they are committed to it. I am absolutely in awe at the way men can move on. They rarely seem to beat themselves up the way women do. We can at least learn from that and not focus on our own shortcomings.
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lindylou52
member
Reged: 11/06/2008
Posts: 12
Loc: Borders
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Hi, thank you for reply. Also may I say apologies to alisonmpg for how it seems I have, by replying to her post, hijacked it somewhat .
Re post - I cannot force issue as in Scotland everything ahs to be done as a "oner" but I now have a court date for July - so am looking to that.
Thanks and the best of luck to Alison
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marie50
member
Reged: 07/07/2007
Posts: 952
Loc: cleckheaton west yorkshire
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chrissifi, i have lived apart from my husband for 7 years now, we got as far as decree nisi. when it came to sorting out the finances, my solicitor said that its usually better not to go for absolute until you have agreed financial terms. my ex didnt want to fill in the huge form E which is needed for a settlement (too many dodgy financial deals !) so we left it there. he's good to me financially and we're best friends now so i'm happy with that. i dont know what the law says in Scotland but i took my solicitors advice. my ex says he will never marry again (dont know whether his girlfriend knows this !) and at the moment i wouldnt either, but if things change then we'll sort it out then. if he dies before me, i'll be a very wealthy woman !
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alisonmpg
member
Reged: 19/05/2009
Posts: 31
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Hello Lindylou
I've not looked on this site for a while, so missed your post. You certainly haven't hijacked anything - just sharing feelings. I'm still reeling from the shock and sadly each day is harder, especially with the lovely weather and nobody to share the time with. Also still talking to anyone who will listen and crying a lot. Counsellor says this is all normal grieving behavior but it is so hard to keep a brave face for work and my daughter. I think I know just how you're feeling, which doesn't help when you're awake at 3.00am staring at the walls with a feeling of dread for the future and all the love you're missing out on but ..... we are not alone. Just keep talking, let things out - write to me whenever you like.
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gweni
member
Reged: 29/09/2008
Posts: 6
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Hello, Alison.
I've just got onto this site and this forum for the first time. Yes, have been there, the 3.00 am syndrome is a hard one to live with! The Mammas and the Papas sang a song in the 60s with the line 'The darkest hour is just before dawn'. True, true! It's a lonely hour.
How is OU going? I did my degree with them, graduated in 2001. I absolutely loved it! I had no idea I could do that, and now I'm finishing writing a PhD thesis!! You have no idea where this will end!
Just a thought. You said your daughter wasn't happy with this guy. Have you thought about asking her why? Perhaps she picked up something you didn't? When my marriages were breaking down (two of them ... I'm on my third and last!), my kids were amazing. So wise. Have you allowed her to help you, or have you simply tried to be strong for her? Does she know you are hurting? Even though she is about to do her ASs, perhaps you could let her in to your pain? You might be surprised. And if she can support you, your bond will be deeper.
Going to bed now. Have a hug.
Nos da!
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 454
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Lindylou, you said husband was handy witth his fists, has he hurt you?It takes a long time to recover mentally from this problem.Perhaps you are better off on your own for a while with daughter. Did she witness anything ?Perhaps you might as Doctor to see a counsellor or Victim Support maybe or am i entirely wrong, sorry if i am and very best wishes xxx
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alisonmpg
member
Reged: 19/05/2009
Posts: 31
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Hi Gweni and thanks for your note. Daughter's reasons for initial dislike were physical appearance (at the time he carried a few extra pounds and she said I could do better - looks are very important to teenagers aren't they!) and then of course she was worried he would try and replace her dad. Over a period of 2 years of constant reassurance and seeing how happy he made me, daughter accepted our relationship and is now really upset for me. Initially put on a brave face for her - she wondered if being so horrible at the beginning was to blame for this situation - so I had to get that cleared up immediately. Now it's a different story as I cannot keep it all bottled up. She does all she can to help and I'm so proud of her but still concerned I am not giving her enough support through exam stage etc. She's not a very "streetwise" 16 year old - not yet had a boyfriend - and freely admits being unable to imagine the heartbreak, but we're very open in our discussions and show love easily.
OU is only a "beginnings course" at very early stages and I'm not very confident at the moment, but will stick with it. Congrats on the phD - that's amazing!
Just wish I could stop hurting, cope better with the sense of loss and emptiness and smile again instead of just dreading each day. Sorry to end on a downer - just ignore me!
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gweni
member
Reged: 29/09/2008
Posts: 6
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OK. Here I am, ignoring you ...! I wish I could give you a proper hug but here's an electronic one.
Why SHOULD you 'cope' with your loss and grief? It will pass, I promise you, but it takes time. I'm so glad to hear you and your daughter are so close. Don't worry too much about not giving her what you consider the right amount of support - she is going to have to be out there in the big wide world before too long, and she will have to know you're there in the background but she will need to manage on her own. You are helping her to practise for that.
Another thought I had over the weekend was, does this feeling remind you of anything in your past? In your childhood? You might be living out something from that time that you've never dealt with before, and that might be why it seems to be such a long grief. I speak as one who dealt a few years ago with stuff from my early childhood, and the pain was considerable. Every time something happened between my husband and me it triggered the early pain as well as the present pain. Everything felt so raw and sad. Have you looked at that with your counsellor?
And another thing. (Sorry!) Have you seen your doc? Could you have depression? It might be that the pain has set it off. If so, you can't just 'get over it', you might need some meds temporarily. Don't be afraid of that. One in four of us has, or has had, or will have some kind of mental illness. You are not alone. (I certainly have.)
Your confidence with OU will grow. It took me a whole module to begin to believe I could do anything! I'd always seen myself as thick before. Yeah, stick with it! You just never know where it might lead!
Nos da!
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alisonmpg
member
Reged: 19/05/2009
Posts: 31
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Gweni
"Virtual" hug appreciated. Well, I haven't cried today. Woke up at dawn again asking myself how it all came to this. I just miss him so very much. When husband died the grief was raw but there was no other way, now knowing the person I grew to love and trust is just 50 miles away and choosing to be without me is unbearable. Just feel empty.
Can safely say I have no unresolved problems from childhood and counsellor acknowledges I'm a pretty grounded individual, just completely floored by this apparently out of the blue rejection. However, the more we talk, the more it seems he may have commitment issues (hard to believe after 4 years of growing from friendship to what seemed like a very strong love). It seems that men with "commitment phobia" sometimes run when the relationship is at its best because the only option forward is "forever" and that's too much for then to contemplate.
I wonder if any other forum members have experience of this?
I've also seen gp and have short term prescription for zoriclone - not that it's making any difference!
OU is still hard going, probably because I'm not in the best frame of mind to concentrate, but will stick with it. Thanks again for contacting me
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lesley28
member
Reged: 27/06/2009
Posts: 29
Loc: monmouthshire
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Hi
I have just read your reply re relationship shock. I am going through the same as you, and your reply is interesting and slightly helpful. I have been what I thought happily married for 33 years ans suddenly my ex husband told me in May that he doesnt love me and was filling for a divorce!
There is no explaination, I have been round in circles trying to find a reason, only a mid life crisis is what seems to be the explainaton.He gets angry when I try to discuss it with him.
Its so hard even with counselling, which is helping, to know at 54 how you can move on.I have got two grown up children and another grandchild due in 2 weeks time which is giving me the strength to carry on
Thank you 
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