OL0212
member
Reged: 04/01/2009
Posts: 154
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Any ideas my husband woke up this morning and asked for a divorce. Any advice. 
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Jenniferpl
member
Reged: 15/04/2008
Posts: 913
Loc: South East London
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Hi OLO212
I am sorry to hear that, never been in your position but the obvious is find a good solicitor and have you considered councelling with relate?
You may need to tell more of your story to get anything else.
Good luck to you
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 Jennifer
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oliveoil
member
Reged: 31/10/2008
Posts: 1116
Loc: sw france
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gosh was he joking,if not did it come as a total surprise,you sound so calm olo212.
love oliveoil
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 5916
Loc: runcorn
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Sounds more like shock than calm.
is this something completely out of the blue, or have things not being going well for a while?
if he's intending to go through with it and can't be talked out of it, presuming you want to carry on with the marriage, get good advice and lean on your girlfriends that's what they are there for.
Good luck and please post more if you want. A lot of ladies here have been through all sorts of situations and can be of help.
Good luck.
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I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
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Lisianthus
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 1351
Loc: Sussex
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I am going through a divorce at the moment. PM me if you want to.
Hugs,
Janine XXX
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My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. (Edith Wharton)
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OL0212
member
Reged: 04/01/2009
Posts: 154
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No i'm not calm i think i'm in shock, the wedding ring being thrown accross the bedroom was the biggest clue he was serious.
He is a workaholic and all's i asked for was can we sit down and have a chat to work out holidays etc. I did it in a very calm and loving way and the ring was his reply.
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 5916
Loc: runcorn
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is he particularly stressed, is this something he's done before? What do you want to do? How long have you been married?
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I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
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oliveoil
member
Reged: 31/10/2008
Posts: 1116
Loc: sw france
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how long have you been married, is he your first husband,do you have children,do you work,just trying to get somekind of picture, i'm sure many of the ladies here will give you support,and advice once we have a bigger picture
love olive oil
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Mollymandy
member
Reged: 01/08/2008
Posts: 1511
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It sounds as though he is maybe under a lot of stress on the work front and possibly worried about his position.
Men can be so much like petulant 3 year olds sometimes - as in the ring throwing!
You need a reason for a divorce even these days and they are not just "given".... perhaps he will have calmed down this evening, but to go straight into a divorce action is a bit extreme. Some sort of Relate counselling sounds a good idea to get back on track (although I think there is often a long wait)...
Hang in there - the Forum has so much good advice and I am sure that with the help of those who have already been through this, you will get loads of support.
Hugs
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OL0212
member
Reged: 04/01/2009
Posts: 154
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Sorry i'm not very good at this, basically he is having a tough time at work very worried about his position, he cant keep up with the younger ones.
We have been together 11 yrs and married for 6 yrs.
No children and he has never done this before. It came out of the blue and it shocked me we don't see enough of each other cos of his work.
But he is the love of my life and i suppose thats y i've stuck with the cancelled holidays etc ( he always has a work reason) etc for not spending anytime with me.
Just sad
xx
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 5916
Loc: runcorn
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Although what he has done is unacceptable, it sounds like work-stress. My O/H is a workaholic too. Had 2 days of work this year apart from Xmas.
See what happens tonight, maybe he'll be contrite.
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I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
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LindaH
member
Reged: 10/09/2007
Posts: 310
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There must be more to this. Will he talk about it? You both need time to listen to one another and he needs to feel able to put his view and explain his feelings. I would suggest you put some time aside, an evening, a week end day, to go through it all calmly if that's possible.
Do keep posting because there's lots of us here to listen and give you some help, as the full story emerges.
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Mollymandy
member
Reged: 01/08/2008
Posts: 1511
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Whilst I am sure you feel like strangling him for making your day so worrying and sad: bite the bullet, run him a spoily bath, cook his favourite food, bottle of wine and try to have a relaxing evening/talk.
I know that sounds a bit trite, but worth a go if this is an isolated outburst. Our soulmates and loves of lives only come along rarely and are so worth fighting for.
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Twiddledout
member
Reged: 17/11/2008
Posts: 1053
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I married a workaholic too. Lots of cancelled holidays here as well. I'm not one to give out marital advice but it struck me that your OH is currentyl on a very short fuse and this innocent conversation was the straw that broke the camel's back.
From the little you've said, and I hate making assumptions, but it sounds like he's overwhelmed by the responsibility of everything.
As they say, it's not you, it's him. Can you give him a wide berth for a bit? My DH needs lots of time to think things through.
Keep talking here, there's an enormous wealth of experience in this forum.
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www.mrstwiddle.wordpress.com
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Snowy1066
member
Reged: 08/07/2008
Posts: 4181
Loc: Southeast
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OLO212, thats terrible, I'm so sorry to hear that, what an awful shock. I can't really offer advice as I have never been in the same situation, but hopefully the girls will be able to advise you.
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Thimble
member
Reged: 04/12/2008
Posts: 4293
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OLO212....what a shock. Don't know what I would do. However after reading all the posts a thought occurred to me. You say he is struggling to keep up at work with the young ones. In these times of credit crunch/redundancies etc is he really very worried about losing his job? If so and he hasn't said anything to you, perhaps you wanting to discuss holidays made him realise that he has to tell you how things are as there might not be much money about. Just a thought. I might be totally on the wrong thread but some men don't tell their OH that their job is on the line for fear of worrying them. So perhaps he is feeling as if he is letting you down.
Not very good at this as never been in the position.........
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OL0212
member
Reged: 04/01/2009
Posts: 154
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Thank you for your lovely replies, I don't feel quite so alone. However i would love to sit and have a glass of wine and a chat but he wont talk about it or give me the time to talk to him as he is always so bloody busy with work etc.
We both work its not really money worries, and we have savings that was my first thought this morning so i checked and we are o.k.
Then i thought about an affair however it doesn't feel like it to me and no denial here it just doesn't seem likely.
He would drown me in the bath if i ran it ( not being literal), so not doing that one.
I think i will just let it lie when he comes home tonight.
Thanks again.
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jessie_1
member
Reged: 07/03/2006
Posts: 1814
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OLO212
I have had the same thing from my OH, he is a workaholic and he has done the same thing to me as well, we even sleep in different bedrooms,this came out of the blue as well, but we are still together and I dont see alot of him either, if I were you I would do what mollymandy said and spoil him and then ask him if he still wants a divorce.If the answer is yes then see a solicitor, if the answer is no, then you will know that he is stressed out.
P.S.I have found that men dont like the 'lets talk' bit, as they dont like to talk openly about their feelings, take it from somebody who has been married for 26yrs.
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Help one another, is part of the religion of sisterhood. ~Louisa May Alcott
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Bobo
member
Reged: 13/11/2008
Posts: 165
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No wonder you're in shock. Sounds like he has been bottling up tension and worries from what you have said. Sad that often the trigger to let all that out can be an apparently innocent remark. When we are under extreme stress none of us behave in a rational way So maybe in his mind he has turned his fears about his struggle at work into a lack of ability to give you what you wnat in your marriage too (holidays). The way I see it when you can't do one important thing in your life right then it just adds to your problem when someone appears to be asking the impossible. I know you weren't, I'm just trying to see the situation.
Was this really a shock though? When I told my ex-husband I no longer wanted to be with him his ego was hurt, but he must have been relieved to be shot of me. It was two completely different people arguing all the time and amking each others lives a misery. This isn't what you are describing, so maybe there is a problem with whats really being communicated at teh moment. If there is you'll need an intermediary to help you through. I would leave for a few days though as it coudl ignite. He is probably feeling just as shocked by his actions.
All the best through this
Bobo
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HotandSpicy
member
Reged: 05/01/2009
Posts: 139
Loc: West Sussex
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Very strange.
I was married at 17 and divorced at 37.I was pregnant with our daughter when we married and we were obviously far too young.However,we lasted a while through ups and downs.My daughter suffered a brain injury in a car accident at 17 and although has long term problems she has settled into supported housing a few miles away.
Throughout the time of her rehab her father and i grew steadily apart.I was trying to be positive about the situation but he was so negative all the time.He never discussed things and shut himself away from me.
I told him very simply one day that i no longer loved him.There was no drama and no tears.Just a complete realisation that i felt nothing for this person any more.He seemed very surprised and couldnt understand why i hadnt said i was unhappy!Thats all i had been saying!
Im really good at showing my feelings and he could not have been in any doubt how i was feeling.If theres one thing i know its that it is futile to keep things bottled up.You must get it out there even if its not nice.Surely you were aware things were not right?I am not saying it is your fault at all.We all know there are two sides to this.But i cannot believe this is such a surprise to you!
I so hope that this is not the end of the road for you both and that maybe you can talk through your problems.It wasnt an option for us.
Just would like to say though that sometimes when you think that the most terrible thing is happening,things do get better.
I remarried at 40years old to the most wonderful man who is my soulmate.We never stop talking. love and luck to you
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anner06
member
Reged: 18/03/2008
Posts: 819
Loc: Northamptonshire
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Hi, give him a couple of days, but if things don't sort themselves out, then feel free to PM me as I went through divorce 18 months ago - also a complete shock
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OL0212
member
Reged: 04/01/2009
Posts: 154
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Hi Ladies
A little update, I cant get in touch with him and he has left his mobile at home. I haven't phoned him at work as I don't want to be embarrassed when they pretend he is busy.
So I thought bugger it, there isn't anything I can do and perhaps thats the point. I should stop trying so hard normally when we fight I'm the one that makes up and apologises well I'm not sorry for wanting to spend time with the man I love.
I'm his wife, his friend but i'm not his mother so s*d it. I though I'd take care of me, cooked a large lamb curry and rice. Got a huge glass of wine am running a hot bath with bubbles for ME. I have turned on the heated blankie, a good book and i'm going to get into bed and relax with wine and book.
So thanks for your advice.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Oxx
PS I'm not going to try and talk to him tonight and if he tries, i'm going to ask him to wait for a bit then we can talk. Thats if he comes home.
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Goingbackwards
member
Reged: 22/08/2008
Posts: 2602
Loc: Isle of Wight
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Oh what a shock, well it seems to have been, but perhaps there was something that you felt wasnt quite right, From your update it seems that you have always put him first so I am so glad that you have now done something positive for you. Its not a one way thing a marriage and I am quite sure that the fights are not all your fault.
There are a lot of girls here with experience of these problems - let them help you and advise and support you. I hope things will be a little clearer in the monring.
Meanwhile big hugs for you.
xx
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OL0212
member
Reged: 04/01/2009
Posts: 154
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I wanted to thank everyone for the PM's and their kind words.
I packed up his stuff late last night convinced that he wasn't coming home and was going to move out today but he suprised me by taking the day off saying he missed me and wanted to spend some time with me, i'm pleased to say the wedding ring is back on.
He knows we need to talk but i think he shocked himself more then me. Its been really nice and this was all i wanted, although I dont want to go through this again just to get a day off.
Im counting my blessings and enjoying his company.
I have also promised myself i will regularly have wine in the bath and go to bed early. It was really nice to have some peace.
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Twiddledout
member
Reged: 17/11/2008
Posts: 1053
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I'm so pleased it worked out for you. They really are a different species these men aren't they?
It's good he was shocked, he needed it I suspect. Clearly you do have to talk it through but for now just enjoy being still.
Next time you have a bath treat yourself to REN's Moroccan Rose bath oil and take the whole bottle of wine with you 
Thanks for the update, it's so nice to hear updates. I was thinking about you today.
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www.mrstwiddle.wordpress.com
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