lena
member
Reged: 27/07/2006
Posts: 4
|
|
I have been married for over 30 years to a successful business man. This has been generally a happy and close marriage apart from the times when I have suffered from bouts of quite bad depression, caused mainly through loneliness because I have moved so many times through his job and haven't been able to forge close friendships. I also don't work. When I get depressed he can't cope and rejects me and that makes my depression even worse. Several times throughout his career he has gone through tough times at work and I have always done my best to support him and to help him through it. In the good times he has acknowledged that he wouldn't have been able to do what he does without my support, which he knows I have willingly given although it has meant sacrificing my own career. He is going through another bad patch at work and I have tried to be there for him. However, because I have got nobody to share my problems with, it has now become too much for me and I can't help him any more unless he can give me some sort of support too. I have tried to explain this to him but he cannot understand it. Because the issues are directly affecting him and not me he doesn't appreciate that I too have been carrying this burden; the difference is he has me to share it with, I have nobody to share it with. It has now reached crisis point and he has accused me of being unsupportive and selfish. I know he is right but whenever I try to tell him how I feel all he can say is, "What about me?!". I know it is hard for him but I feel I have nothing left of myself to give him. He now wants to dump me because he can't cope with my 'demands'. I am very depressed because the marriage is ending and because it is not going to be easy to start again in my mid-fifties with no career and probably very little financial security. I do have a couple of friends I could probably talk to about this but I would never dream of it because I would feel I was being very disloyal to my husband who is basically a good man. Has anybody out there been in a similar situation? I would welcome any advice.
|
Twiddledout
member
Reged: 17/11/2008
Posts: 1053
|
|
Lena, I can understand your situation and I empathise greatly with your concerns of being disloyal.
I too supported my husband throughout his career and put him first in everything I did. I moved house many times and I don't have any particular friends either.
I wish I had some helpful advice for you but instead I just wanted you to know I can relate to your situation. Because I have mostly capitulated throughout 24 years of marriage I think my DH would find it almost impossible to adapt to my change in needs so I can also see it from your DH's point of view.
Keep talking here, these ladies are a lifeline for me.
--------------------
www.mrstwiddle.wordpress.com
|
Twiddledout
member
Reged: 17/11/2008
Posts: 1053
|
|
Lena, I don't want your post to get lost. Would you like to post this in the 'Family Firsts' forum as well? It may get overlooked here.
--------------------
www.mrstwiddle.wordpress.com
|
Scarlets
member
Reged: 01/04/2007
Posts: 1920
Loc: Just across the pond
|
|
Lena
What part of the country do you live in. Is it rural.
I do not have anything like the problem you have with your other half. However, I did go through a time when the house was driving me up the wall to say the least.
I had moved from all my family to a part of the country that I was actually born in, but it didn't help that I already had some friends there.
I then decided at the tender age of 65 to go back to work.
Went to work in a new M & S store. Very busy, especially the run up to Xmas and I was concerned because I have arthritis.
IT GOT ME OUT OF THE HOUSE AND I MET SO MANY PEOPLE. My arthritis was ten times better with the exercise.
Can you perhaps find something locally. Not a career, just a little job where you can meet people and talk about other things than the home.
I do hope things will take a turn for the better.
Do let us know.
--------------------
|
suzie88
member
Reged: 02/09/2008
Posts: 811
Loc: Essex
|
|
Just because you are married doesn`t mean you have to be joined at the hip.Cultivate some interest of your own and this will lead to making new friends.
Join a local class or club, just have one small thing to look forward to all day so you have something to feel good about and talk about when you get home. And don`t give up on your marriage! Work at it and sort out the problem.Most of my single friends wish they had given theirs another chance.
good luck
Suzie88
--------------------
|
issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3746
Loc: London
|
|
Hello Lena. I recognise everything you say and I can come up with two things, acceptance and self-reliance. Accept that your husband will not change. I know how hard that is. I have noticed that most (not all) men seem to put themselves first in any relationship. It is one of our great disappointments with them. Accept it as his shortcoming. As you say, he is a good man and that is a great plus. Once you realise that he is not going to be what you want him to be towards you, you may find you learn to appreciate him differently. You will then feel free to gather your own support in whichever way it makes you happy. The forum is an obvious place to start and you have already done that by posting this problem. Another way is to make your own life pleasant without putting him first. That can be in the form of a job, a shopping trip, going out and meeting 'the girls' (forum supper clubs are great for this) and generally having a life of your own which does not require his input every time. Try doing all of this without feeling guilty and do not seek anyone's approval, this is for you. I have found these strategies to be a great mood lifter and they lead on to more things. I hope they work for you. x
|
JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 568
|
|
Hi - I concur with all that's said so far! One thing, though, you don't mention children, so I take it they are not on the scene. That makes your life much 'freer' in time terms. Assuming your husband works 'business hours' and you only have to 'be there' when he is, then, apart from housework etc, you do get the days to yourself, which is a huge boon.
I would strongly suggest you try doing some voluntary work. There is a vast need for volunteers, in a vast range of types of work, from helping out in an Oxfam shop, to helping old folks, or stressed young mothers, and all manner of things. Helping others is a brilliant way of countering depression, becuase it turns you outward. You don't have to do so much it competes with the time you spend with your husband, but it will, I am sure, make you 'count your blessings' to see and help others worse off. Helping others really does help yourself.
I speak from the heart. I lost my beloved husband of 30 years, to end-stage cancer, unexpectedly, just before Christmas, and my heart is broken, and will never truly mend, and yet I know that what I must do - both for his sake, and my sake, not to mention my own sanity! - is use the time I now have to help others. (That's a key reason I posted about the Eve Appeal for Ovarian cancer!). There's all sorts of things I intend to do, and I know it will help me - and help me get over the appalling loss of my husband, and fill the aching gap that is now in my life, and heal the nightmare I am living through. I will do all I can to stop other families being torn apart as ours has now been.
So, my advice, for what it's worth, is this - accept, as wisely said above, that your husband won't change, but enjoy and appreciate him for what he IS good with you for, but don't make him the centre of your universe. Turn outwards to others, and you will find a richer reward than you can possibly imagine right now.
"For it is in giving, that we receive" (St Francis of Assisi).
All the very best, and this is a dark time you CAN and WILL come through - Julie.
|
Twiddledout
member
Reged: 17/11/2008
Posts: 1053
|
|
You're a very wise woman JulieJ. Welcome to the forum!
I'm saddened by your loss and so inspired by your motivation. Your husband must have been so very proud of you. This lady's post spoke volumes to me too when I first read it, I hope she comes back and lets us know what she decided.
Blessings to you!
--------------------
www.mrstwiddle.wordpress.com
|
JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 568
|
|
Mrs Twiddle (not your real name I suspect!  ) - thank you for your kind post.
Marriages are tricky things, and sometimes we do 'lump along' with partners we want to change in many ways, and yet, as was said earlier, men are not too up for change, overall, and it is, so often, us women who do the adapting (though of course that promptly makes me think of some husbands who dance attendence on their demanding wives all their lives!!!).
But none of us are perfect, and marriage is the rough with the smooth, better and worse, etc etc, and all those years together are worth far, far more than any of the bumpiness, if we can jsut stick it out, and get through to the sunny times again.
Julie
|
independent
member
Reged: 14/10/2007
Posts: 240
|
|
It sounds as if you are both having a difficult time and understandably it is difficult to offer support to each other when you are overwhelmed by what is happening to you, I think to seek support from each other at this time is not going to avhieve anything, deal with each day as it comes become more self reliant and lower your expectations and demands of each other.
The fact that your marriage is in difficulty is very worrying if the marriage is basically good seperation may not improve your situation but make it much worse, would it be possible to take a break to have time to consider your situation and take the heat out of the situation. If you are depressed is it being managed properly would it be possible to speak to your GP, I hope things improve for you
|
tals
member
Reged: 31/12/2008
Posts: 4
|
|
Julie
I know how it feels to just give and not get any emotional support back. It empties you and makes you feel guilty that you cannot give more as the other person continues to expect more from you and blames you for not being there for them, when that is all you re doing. It is just a cycle that goes on and on nad ends up with you accepting blame for something you are not responsible. I believe that no one person can be everything to another, that is why we have the wider family and different friends for that purpose.
I would suggest involvement in some form of exercise activity suitable for you , as it helps deal with a low mood. I agree with finding something meaning ful for you to do as in helping other, it will help to affirm to yourself that you are a good person and will give you satisfaction
back. What about thinking of developing interests and talents that you have and might have shelved in order to support your husband?
Your marriage has lasted for so long and you cant be the one to break it up as you have no reason to,just do not give up doing right because it seems insufficient to someone else.
I really wish you well for 2009. Remember life is not fair!
Tals
|
flowers
member
Reged: 01/01/2009
Posts: 1
|
|
My husband works away for a fortnight every month and I'm at home with two young children, 9 & 12. Luckily I've found working part-time caring for the elderly and disabled has been a life-line to me. It gives me a purpose outside of the home and the social contact is uplifting even if the job is poorly paid. The increase in my self-esteem has given me confidence in living with a dominant man.
|
luv2
member
Reged: 16/12/2008
Posts: 61
|
|
hi
I have been with my husband for 30 years (25married) and in that time he has needed a lot of support. He does not however reciprocate. He does not share his emotions or feelings and is very black and white. This is difficult for me as i like to process mine with others in order to make sense of them.
I have been depressed too and used counselling to help me, which it did and i have now realised i cannot change him. Like your oh he is a good man with qualities that i like in a man. No body is perfect and he is obviously a great provider. They say behind every great man is a great woman and you should congratulate yourself on helping him achieve his success.
I am suffering at the moment from empty nest and i realise i cannot rely on my oh to fulfil all my needs so i am looking into volunteering and am thankful for the opportunity to explore my interests wherever they may lie, rather than being stuck in a job i hated and worrying about money all the time.
Life is not perfect but if things are in ones control i believe one should make the best of them.
hope this helps
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
