beckybrox
member
Reged: 14/08/2008
Posts: 54
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My widowed father lives on his own in a big house He is registered disabled but manages to 'get by'.He has a Care Manager and access to support fron social services which he refuses.He is also entitled to financil benefits which he claims but does not spend.He is very melancholy but says that he is not depressed. My mother died 5 years ago, I think he is still grieving over her, the house is like a memorial to her, her hairbrush with hair in it is still on the dressing table and her used tissues are still there. He is finding it increasingly difficult to get out and about,has few friends. He will not accept help in his home or move out into sheltered accomodation or move in with us. His GP says that there is nothing that he can do if Dad refuses assistance. I speak to him every day on the phone but I dread visiting him and seeing mum's stuff. He visits me every Sunday for lunch and is very demanding. It's got to the stage where I don't want to see him or entertain him anymore for a while and this makes me feel teribly guilty. I have one sister who lives a long way off and doesn't help at all. What can I do ?
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JustJules
member
Reged: 10/03/2008
Posts: 276
Loc: Lancashire
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Hi Beckybrox. I really feel for you. I have elderly parents so I know how difficult things can be. Would your father go to a day center? My nan used to go to one about a year ago (she always refused before) but can't manage it now but it did give her a new lease of life as she had company 3 times a week, a reasonable meal and they used to get taken out on trips. The only complaint she had was that they all fell asleep in the afternoon and she had nobody to talk to - she's 98 years old!!!! It may bring him out of himself a bit which may help him move on.
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beckybrox
member
Reged: 14/08/2008
Posts: 54
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He refuses to go to a daycentre, I have discussed this with the care manager who arranged a place for him at a popular location. He was to be picked up at 10.00am and brought home at 3.00pm following a hot meal, morning coffee and afternoon tea. He called them up the day before and cancelled and told them not to bother about putting him on a waiting list for any other activities. He just wants me to visit, do his shopping, make his meals and take him for days out in the car.
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anne18
member
Reged: 29/09/2008
Posts: 132
Loc: Scotland
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Beckybrox, your father seems wrapped in his own wee world Did he and your mum have the kind of traditional marriage where she was at his beck and call? I remember my grandmother telling my mother it was her "duty" to look after her, which caused mum a lot of grief. I think you have to stop seeing this as your problem - its his. Keep in touch, decide at the beginning of the week what you are going to offer. Would your OH or kids drop his shopping in? It would show you are not going to buy into his demands. Keep in touch with his care manager, but in between let him get on with it. I know it sounds harsh, but if you take the blame and have to make his life ok you will most defnitely fail and make yourself ill into the bargain. Come on here and have a good moan when he's at his worst. And just tell him the tissues are unhygenic, that your mum would have had a fit to see them still there and throw them out!
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LadyGodiva
member
Reged: 19/09/2006
Posts: 292
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my position is not dissimilar to yours. I will send you a PM
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1293
Loc: Somerset
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Don't feel guilty. If your dad wants to keep reminders of your mum then it's up to him - some people don't ever come to terms with losing a partner so it's probably his way of coping, don't insist he throws them out. You are allowed to say "no", you are allowed to tell your dad that you don't find his requests acceptable... you wouldn't accept this from anyone else.
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anne18
member
Reged: 29/09/2008
Posts: 132
Loc: Scotland
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I did feel I had been a bit harsh about the tissues - but it is unhygenic. Anything else, even the hair brushes seems understandable. And I do agree ChrissiFi, its just fine to so 'no' every now and again.
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ColetteH
member
Reged: 05/10/2006
Posts: 91
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Beckybrox, my mum is 92. She has lived on her own now for 17years. Two years ago she had a stroke, and although she made a good physical recovery, it left her at times confused, and she has periods when she is frightned to be in the house on her own. She is now blind due to age related macula degeneration. Housebound, unless I or my sisters take her out. I have her to my house once a week for either lunch or tea. She says she is so lonely. But I cannot have her to live with me, because we only get on in short visits. She will not go to day centre either. The nun from the church comes once a week to give her communion. I feel guilty, sad for her, but am trying to do my best, especially as she can be very bad tempered and stubborn, obstinate etc. You are not alone, it just feels like you are. PM me if you need to chat more and we can commiserate with each other.
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hayley31
member
Reged: 31/07/2008
Posts: 13
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Hi
Sounds like you are both having a tough time at the moment. What county does your Dad live in? Maybe you could find a befriending service - a volunteer that visits your Dad, sometimes does not do anything but sit with him! They could be a key person to giving both of you some support.
H
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Chelsea
member
Reged: 06/02/2008
Posts: 776
Loc: Essex
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Becky - my situation is also similar, my Dad is being a nightmare. Meeting his social worker round at his tomorrow and dreading it for all sorts of reasons. I'm only doing this to please other family members but I know he won't want any help from 'strangers', he would prefer me to do everything and he won't want to pay for help even though he can afford it.
Family keep pressurising me to 'just tell him he should be in sheltered accommodation' but it's easier said than done isn't it? It sounds like your father is strong-willed like mine and won't be told what to do. I think you've just got to do what you can but keep him at arms length a little bit and keep things on your terms. It might sound harsh to some, but some people can get awfully self-centred in old age and just stop caring about any one elses life except their own. I certainly think this has happened in my case.
Good luck, I hope you can come to a comprimise
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Chelsea x
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susieblue
member
Reged: 16/03/2008
Posts: 907
Loc: Devon
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This sounds all so familiar. My mother is 83. Lives on her own and has been widowed for 5 years. I have suggested she move nearer to me (I'm 200 miles away) but she refuses. I have suggested she goes into a retirement flat where she would be surrounded by people who are her age and around all the time - she refuses - says they are too pokey! She is far too big a snob to even mention day centres!! I did eventually get her huge, expensive flat on the market but of course the housing market has crashed and we need every penny from it. I did this by playing the money card - saying she couldn't afford it - which is true. On top of this she has dementia but t'would be a bolder man than I to tell her so. She has just stopped driving after failing a driving assessment rather dramatically, even though she didn't know what she did wrong! We took the car back with us straight away because we knew she would still continue to drive. She is not on a bus route so hopefully soon she will get fed up with this fact - or maybe that's wishful thinking on my part. She also gets deep depression but that is because she forgets to take her tablets.
She still has some of my father in law's clothes etc around but I am just letting them be. One day, they will be thrown out. I also have her friends phoning me and telling me what I should be doing. Usually it is that she should be in an old folks home in Exeter. Easier said than done. One old busybody even said that I "should take more responsibility for her". My OH says that if she does that again, he will speak to her and not care if he offends her!
It really is a long slow process. Getting her to stop driving took 12 months. There is nothing you can do, except be there. I rarely see my mother. I do not phone her every day. But I do not feel guilty about it any more either. My godsend is an OT for the elderly in her town who visits her regularly and keeps me up to date. (My MIL and the busybody friend compete with each other for excesses!!). This OT tests her memory regularly, so we know where we are and I am sure, when push really comes to shove, she will help me get her moved when the time comes, which it will eventually. Afterall, she is working with these stubborn old codgers all the time. I'm all for fighting one's independence but there comes a time when that is more trouble and I just hope to God when I get to that stage, that I will realise it.
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3066
Loc: Surrey
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I think these stories are so upsetting and I really feel for all of you because of the worry your elderly parents are causing. My own mother died at 66 and my father, now 87, lives with my oldest sister. Thankfully he is still fit and well. But what I have learned by observing him, and my very young 84-year old mother-in-law, is that even though they are old they feel just the same as when they were young. Turn that thought around and imagine it is you who is in your 80's, still feeling like the same person you are today. Now imagine someone is trying to get you to move into a flat, or accommodation where there are other old people you do not know. Maybe there will be people "in charge" you may have to answer to. What if your children said to you, in a few year's time, that you should move to something "more secure".
I am playing devil's advocate here not to make anyone feel guilty when there is so much to worry about with people you love. I think in the end everyone wants to stay in their own home and have familiar friends or neighbours and family around them. I wish I could think of a solution to all this. It makes me think that we should all be thinking of what we will be in for in our old age and plan accordingly.
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 2258
Loc: Leicestershire
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Issi,
I totally agree with all you have said.As we get older, suddenly old age is out, like rising ground coming ever closer.
I can't understand why people want to remain in their homes...I imagine I would want to downsize and live in sheltered accommodation. The main problem I envisage would be lonliness, and that doesn't bear thinking about.
And the thought of living alone and being blind is terrifying.
All the same, old people should not be a burden ion the young.What's the answer for our own plans?
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3066
Loc: Surrey
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My father comes to stay, not with us, but with my mother-in-law who lives two streets away. They have just come back from a week in Majorca - Saga Holidays, I cannot recommend them highly enough for those who do not know about it. They know all about taking care of old people and what to do in the event of emergencies. Plus there is a high quality of accommodation and activities for them. What about getting the Saga magazine for the old parents? It may stimulate some interest in other things for that age group.
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Psyche
member
Reged: 23/01/2007
Posts: 2191
Loc: Bicester OXON
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Issi I couldn't agree more. I'm 65 and have every intention of living in my house as long as I possibly can - but I intend to be realistic and not behave like my mother did who lived alone until 92 and refused all help except mine.
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Psyche.
another day................another handbag!!!!!!!!
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3066
Loc: Surrey
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Good for you Psyche.
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