maddy1
member
Reged: 18/09/2008
Posts: 4
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I suspect that my husband is having a relationship with a girl at work, he is 48 and she is 31, they have a lot in common, both into motorbikes, and I know that they have been meeting after work for meals, drinks etc. He denies anything is going on but I just have this feeling, any advice on what I should do?
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gatheringroses
member
Reged: 06/09/2008
Posts: 27
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It may be perfectly innocent, just someone to talk to with shared interests. Has he been upfront about meeting her outside work, i.e. telling you about it beforehand or have you found out after?. Trying to work out if he's deliberately hiding stuff. You having told him you don't feel comfortable with this should be evident to him that he needs to stop seeing her outside work. It may not be anything now, but it has the potential to develop if they're spending a lot of time together, i.e., work and free time. I would say he needs to stop seeing her.
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faithfulone
member
Reged: 15/07/2008
Posts: 194
Loc: Suffolk
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Find out somehow - you need to know
and good luck
xxxx
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There is a beginning within every ending..
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cookiedoughforever
member
Reged: 17/09/2008
Posts: 54
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Hi maddy1
Perhaps you could invite yourself along once in a while? If they are just friends then they should welcome you.
It goes back to the same old thing - can a man and woman just be friends? I have to say a wholehearted YES.
On the other hand, he is married to YOU and if you feel uncomfortable then HE should take steps to change to take account of your feelings. You are the "First Lady" in his life afterall.
Cookie
xx
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maddy1
member
Reged: 18/09/2008
Posts: 4
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I would love to meet up with her but the problem is he works in London during the week only coming home at weekends.
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Jenniferpl
member
Reged: 15/04/2008
Posts: 486
Loc: South East London
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Hi maddy
Do you work? How far away from london are you? If you have kids could someone look after them for the evening? Presumably if your husband stays in london all week he has a crash pad or a hotel - could you not pay a surpise visit mid week and invite your self along for a drink? might settle your mind
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 Jennifer
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maddy1
member
Reged: 18/09/2008
Posts: 4
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We live in Cumbria so not that easy to nip down to London.
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Snowy1066
member
Reged: 08/07/2008
Posts: 3282
Loc: Southeast
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Dear Maddy, I think if it obviously makes you feel uncomfortable, then you should sit him down again, and tell him how it is affecting you. It could be innocent, but I would be like you and very worried that something may develop from this friendship. Better to sort things out now than later, if he is being honest he should honour your feelings, for the sake of your marriage. Good Luck me Darling.
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1293
Loc: Somerset
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Maddy,
One thing - I'm assuming he's told you they've met outside of work so why would he have told you that he was meeting up with her if there was anything going on and, to be honest, there was no chance of you finding out without him saying? If he's telling you about their meetings it sounds unlikely to me that there is anything to worry about. How is he when he's home with you?
Whatever you do you need to be careful not to push him into considering something he's not thought about before! How would your OH react if you just turned up or insisted he stopped seeing her? I know if I did that it would make matters worse - OH hates being questioned or told what to do so I could easily push him into making a really stupid decision (I've been in a similar situation to you recently - see post "What would you do" down the bottom of the page, think last post was around 12/09).
PM me if you'd like a chat sometime. I don't usually log on evenings but will try to tonight. I hope so much that you've got nothing to worry about...
Chrissi
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 869
Loc: runcorn
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Hi Maddy
Well first off, you'll find lots of supportive people on this site, so I hope you find some advice that fits.
It's been pointed out that he has told you that he sees this woman, so he's been upfront. I presume he mentioned it out of the blue so to speak rather than you noticing something odd in his routine and questioning him.
On the other hand, I'm a real believer in women's intuition. My O/H worked 180 miles away a few years ago and after a few years of that, something niggled away, something not quite right, my woman's intuition was telling me that something was wrong and as it turned out it was right. I don't know how your O/H reacts, but I knew mine would not admit to anything if I didn't actually know hard facts. It would just be too easy for him to say he was being good and it was in my imagination.
This is already out there in the 'Bunny Boiler' post, so I don't mind repeating it. I had to know for sure; I was only torturing myself. As you say when they work away a long distance it is very difficult. I'm not suggesting that what I did is for you, in these situations, you can only do what feels right for you. I eventually found out from someone else that he was seeing someone, but obviously couldn't drop the other person in it. I found out all sorts through various means that enabled me to confront him. It got messy and he was still coming home, but there was so much I didn't know about my future, where I stood with him, etc etc. So, I guessed that he would want to talk to her at the weekend. Did the usual sneaked a peek at his mobile and could see nothing amiss, but because the intuition was so strong, I bought myself 3 dictaphones (no bigger than a small mobile) left one in the front bedroom, one in the dining room at the front of the house and one in the living room. I'd then say I was going out for whatever reason, say shopping/coffee with a friend for an hour, knowing that if he there was someone to ring, he would use that time when he knew I wasn't around. It worked. Once I left the house he'd ring her (from a mobile I didn't know he had at the time and say that I'd gone out for x amount of time). I only heard his side of the conversation, but that was sufficient. If I had thought of thedictaphones at the start of my worries, I would have used them then as it would have been easier and cheaper!
I know some people will think that's wrong but I never regretted it. It gave me the answers I needed at the time and helped prevent me from losing my business and home.
Ultimately it all panned out and we got back together and four years later I don't really think about it unless the subject crops up amongst other people.
I sincerely hope that it is all innocent as it may be. And as I said, I was just saying what I did - it's up to you what you do with any of the advice you get on here from anyone. If you feel lonely or need suggestions, plenty of people have been in this type of situation, so log on. If you want to send a message, I'm happy to reply as I know how confusing the thoughts can be.
All the best and take care of yourself.
And you're not a bad person for wondering if.
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When I have talked for an hour I feel lousy-
Not so when I have danced for an hour;
The dancers inherit the party
While the talkers wear themselves out and
Sit in corners, alone, and glower.
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 2261
Loc: Leicestershire
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I like what Chilla did...you would have to know!
First off though, I think you should suggest going down to London with him, for a few days.Do it at very short notice.Eg I'll go with you when you go back to London the day after tomorrow, darling.Have got some time off work and fancy a break.'
Then see how he reacts.If he says that will be good, you're home and dry and have nothing to worry about, and get a nice break.
If he seems uneasy and tries to put you off, your suspicions are probably right.
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maddy1
member
Reged: 18/09/2008
Posts: 4
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Problem is he only admitted that he was seeing her outside work when I found texts on his mobile, one to meet at his hotel at 11pm - said it was because she was upset about work issues but at 11pm I don't think so. I really don't know what to do I love him but I suspect that he does not want to be with me. If there is anyone who has gone through a similar experience and has some advice I would appreciate it! I don't have any family close by and am unable to discuss this with anyone as all of our friends think he is wonderful!
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 2261
Loc: Leicestershire
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I hope I'm wrong, but coming to his hotel room at 11.pm to discuss work???
I really don't think so.
I don't think any man would want a woman to come to his room at that time anyway, as it compromises him at least!
I don't believe it!
Now you have to decide whether you want to confront and know the truth or pretend it's not happening.
maddy1...I wish you well.x
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 2261
Loc: Leicestershire
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Also, what do you think about my suggestion of going down with him to London at short notice? And see his reaction.
If you found texts on his mobile, I would get hold of the mobile and send a text to her asking how she is or something equally innocuous, and see what rely you get back!!
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1293
Loc: Somerset
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Oh dear Maddy. That's why I turned to the forum for advice recently - all my friends are also OH's friends and my family think he's wonderful. In my case I now know that it's innocent - have seen her, spoken to her (I knew her anyway) and whilst I'm not happy about the friendship I realise I can't decide who his friends are or when he sees them (she's a night-time person and doesn't even think that phoning at gone 11pm might not be appreciated). I do know that friends in London think nothing of going out at 10 or 11pm, the sort of time when I'd be thinking about coming home! Sorry, OH's just phoned... I'll be back in a minute.
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cupsoverfloweth
member
Reged: 17/09/2008
Posts: 24
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I can feel my blood boiling! However you find out - and you will, now these amazing women have empowered you - you will need to be strong - AND REALLY ANGRY! How DARE he insult your intelligence in this way? Actually, I will take the angry thing back - stay IN CONTROL, and you will be fine. It could be that he wants you to find out - and your marriage could be saved, even if it means a lot of counselling and mediation. Both of you need to want that though. And you will need guarantee's, assurances, and apologies, on a regular basis.
Worst case scenario is that he wants to leave - be prepared for that, just in case.
Remember, we are all here to support you (never to judge you), whatever happens.
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xxxSummerxxx
member
Reged: 29/03/2008
Posts: 4503
Loc: Essex
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Honey,
You know the answer to this,i think you need to decide what to do next.....
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1293
Loc: Somerset
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Ok, I'm back (men! He's out all evening and phones for a chat just when I'm talking to all of you...) Whatever you do, be in control, keep as calm as you possibly can and don't do anything you'll regret. We're all here if you need us.
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BeauSoleil
member
Reged: 26/03/2008
Posts: 1627
Loc: France
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I'm afraid I'm with Kate1 on this one and would probably do something like she suggests with the sending of a text asking how she is and see what kind of reply you get. My OH works away too and I know how easily the paranoia sets in. However, I don't think I would accept him meeting someone at 11pm in a hotel room. You could try ringing the hotel and asking if she is there (I think you said you knew her name). What you do have to be careful of though is giving him a headstart if he is up to no good. I'd rather bide my time and be sure rather than have the marriage fall apart because of unfounded allegations. Does all that make sense??
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cupsoverfloweth
member
Reged: 17/09/2008
Posts: 24
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Actually, I'm a bit of a reactionary, therefore, biding ones' time is the long game, and it is better to play a long game and win the truth, than a short one and drive him underground.
Iam going to opt out of this thread for now, as it is now up to maddy1 to make up her mind in peace. Good luck, Maddy1
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