WendyS
member
Reged: 07/09/2008
Posts: 6
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I am new to the forums so 'Hi' everyone. I have been reading the other posts and just thought I'd give it a go!
I'm really feeling quite lonely and fed up at the minute and wondered if anyone else out there feels the same. The cause of my feelings is my elderly parents who I live with. Mum is only 68 but had a stroke 10 years ago. She also has a bad chest, arthritis and osteoporosis. This causes her pain and she now can't walk more than a few steps. Dad is 71 and quite fit but Mum really gets him down, as she does me. I know she has an awful lot to cope with but she is so negative and moans all the time. She has no interests, no hobbies and just wants people there all the time at her beck and call. I am a nurse and am doing my absolute best to help care for her but it's so trying. I'm caring for sick people in my job and then caring for Mum at home. Because Dad is fed up he gets very irritable and often has a go at me. I have a brother and a sister (both with families) who don't help in any way apart from the occasional phone call. I am ashamed to say I am starting to resent my parents as I feel I have no life of my own. I feel so guilty and frustrated. I tried to talk it over with a friend who said I should be glad I still have them and can spend time with them which just makes me feel more guilty. Am I a bad person to feel like this? Is it wrong to want a little bit of care and understanding myself?
Sorry to rattle on! Once I started it all came flooding out!!! Thanks for your time.
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Ashbee
member
Reged: 13/06/2008
Posts: 845
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Hello WendyS and welcome to the forum. You have found a safe place to make friends, moan a little and laugh a lot...
You aren't a bad person to feel this way. We'd all feel the same way in your shoes. Sounds like you need to have some light relief but perhaps that's easier to suggest than make happen. This forum will help there - pop in and out and join in with all the fun stuff - I promise you, you will laugh out loud often. I guess I would also suggest the same advice that we give new mums - find time for yourself as often as possible, if only to give you a bit of perspective on your situation.
As for your parents, there are support groups and respite groups, as I'm sure you know. Are any of these of use to you or your parents? I hope so... your mum would feel miserable given her situation but maybe she also needs a fresh window on the world and maybe a group would help her? She may need some coaxing but don't give up.
Welcome again
Regards
Ashbee
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lucii
member
Reged: 30/03/2008
Posts: 126
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Hi Wendy
Welcome. Do feel free to vent your frustration here. I have an elderly mother with dementia who has to live in a care home. Visiting her two or three times a week can sometimes be a complete nightmare and I feel inadequate and guilty most of the time.
I wish I had something helpful to say but can only tell you I understand.
x
L
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Onceshy
member
Reged: 10/08/2008
Posts: 232
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Hi Wendy
Absolutely no way should you feel guilty for needing your own space. I too work as a nurse and can fully undersdatnd the difficultiues and frustarations you must have at going home to do more of the same again. perhaps your siblings step back because of your position as a nurse- unfair I know but lack of undersatnding of your needs by them too.I
hope you find the girls here supportive and don't be afraid to vent your feelings- it will do you good I'm sure.
Take care of yourself too.
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xxxSummerxxx
member
Reged: 29/03/2008
Posts: 4497
Loc: Essex
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Wendy...
I dont live with my Elderley mother of 83(i'm 43) although i can certainly understand fully how you are feeling .At least i get a break as she lives just round the corner to me.
My Mum has had ill health since my Father died when i was 11 and it has gotten worse.
Every day i feel guilty thats she's elderly,ill ,lonely and sometimes i have a good talking to myself that it's not my fault how her life has turned out.
We don't have a easy relationship but i do Care.
My brother who is a decade older than me has his own issues is living with Mother on and off ,my sister many years older than me has mental health issues isn't in touch with her very often.
Please please if you need to vent pm me,im a good listener and wont judge :-)
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 2261
Loc: Leicestershire
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Could you ask for a meeting with your siblings to discuss the possibility of their helping?
I just thought that if you tell it how it is in a calm atmosphere, maybe they will see things from your angle and maybe give you some free time.
After all, what would they do if you opted out through stress?
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trendymurm
member
Reged: 07/03/2008
Posts: 141
Loc: Kent
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Hi WendyS welcome to the forum.
I'm with Ashbee on this one - if your Mum could have a change of scene perhaps once a week at a daycare centre or something then it would help both her and yourself. Once you get to the stage where you start to resent having to care and then feeling guilty about feeling like that it shows what a strain you are under. Everyone needs a break to recharge their batteries. Could you perhaps look at getting an allowance for her to have daycare once a week - I'm sure you must be entitled.
Also when did you last have a holiday? Perhaps one of your siblings could come and take over for you to have a break - after all your parents are not just your responsibility, they need to do their bit as well.
Both my parents and inlaws will all be 80 this year and I know that I will have a lot of these type of issues ahead.
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londons
member
Reged: 08/09/2008
Posts: 2
Loc: London
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Hi Wendy
I think you should talk to your father and together speak to your mother about what is going on.
Hope this helps
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 869
Loc: runcorn
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Good heavens WendyS, you must be exhausted. It's human nature to get resentful and then feel guilty. You are doing such a good job and with little back up from the rest of your family by the sound of it.
I'm with Kate1, get your siblings to help out more. They may have family of their own, but that doesn't mean they can abdicate responsibility for the family they started with. They have a one third duty (old-fashioned word I know) to care for their parents. The trouble with nice people is that they get to do all the running round. It's easier said than done, but try to get some time for yourself - you deserve it.
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When I have talked for an hour I feel lousy-
Not so when I have danced for an hour;
The dancers inherit the party
While the talkers wear themselves out and
Sit in corners, alone, and glower.
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WendyS
member
Reged: 07/09/2008
Posts: 6
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Many thanks to you all for taking the time and trouble to reply to my post. I feel better already just knowing I'm not alone, and your suggestions are definitely food for thought.
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mcdizzy
member
Reged: 13/01/2008
Posts: 98
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Hi
you might be interested the these websites - specifically for carers - they could probably give you some ideas of where to get extra help or support, whether your family decide to help you or not, you deserve to have support.
http://www.carersuk.org/Home
http://www.carersinformation.org.uk/
hope it helps.
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 4024
Loc: South London
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Hi WendyS
My MiL lives with my SIL and BIL and they do a fantastic job looking after MIL. SIL felt guilty about MIL going to Day Centre twice a week. MIL was not happy about going at first, but now she gets cross when she doesn't go.
Just because you are nurse it doesn't mean you have to do all the nursing. If your siblings came over and took your parents out for the day it would give you a break and your mother something else to talk about. Do your parents see their grandchildren at all?
You must be exhausted caring for them both and also having a very demanding job.
Foxie x.
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In your journey through life, take what works for you and let the rest go. Susan Jeffers
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Teasel
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 72
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I don't live with my elderly father, he's 88, but I do have full responsibility for him, being an only child, so I quite understand how you feel.
I'm fairly lucky in that he isn't in too bad health, considering his age.
I've just managed to get him to move into a small one bedroomed bungalow in a village just seven miles away from ours, which has made things easier as I can visit every day & help with cleaning etc.He used to live much further away on a horrible estate, where he was burgled twice recently, & I could only get there once a week. It isn't sheltered so he gets no other help.
I don't know how I'd cope if he was living with me, but it isn't something he would do anyway as he insists on having "his own front door."
In your shoes I'm sure I'd be feeling quite resentful about how your siblings are ducking their share of responsibility & would be very tempted to book myself a fortnight's holiday away somewhere & present the fact to them as a "fait accompli" & let them fight it out amongst themselves as to who takes over & copes while you're away! 
Make them realise for once how much you do.
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susieblue
member
Reged: 16/03/2008
Posts: 907
Loc: Devon
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The last thing you should feel is guilty. It probably doesn't help your being a nurse because your mother will expect more from you and that isn't fair. My OH is a doctor and my mother (83 with onset of dementia, 200 miles away) wont think twice to phone in the middle of the night about her pain (which were are pretty sure is psychosymatic) and ask what she should do, because she thinks OH will have the answer. (Well he does but cannot be repeated!).
If you don't begin to think about yourself more, you will make yourself ill and then what will they do?
Take care and much love.
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Sweet_Pea
member
Reged: 25/08/2008
Posts: 1253
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Hi Wendy and welcome.
Don't know if you have any contact with your local Social Services Dept but they might be able to help out with day care/respite. I'm at the other end of the spectrum, caring for my young daughter (so obviously completely different) but I do know how difficult and isolating that can be and how resentful it can leave you feeling at times (then guilty because you feel resentful!). My FIL had a massive stroke last year (eventually went home but now in residential care as MIL just couldn't look after him). They live 250 miles away and we talk every day on the phone and visit as often as possible. My MIL is also a bit of a moaner (she drives me nuts but I do have some sympathy with her) but doesn't do much to help herself - ignores good advice and pushes herself beyond what's sensible. Sometimes we feel sandwiched between elderly parents and a sick teenager with no life to call our own so I can empathise and can only say that it helps to get it off your chest. Hope things improve and look forward to hearing how you get on.
Sweetpeasue
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Tinkerbelle
member
Reged: 16/08/2008
Posts: 141
Loc: Kent
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Hi Wendy it must be so frustrating for u exchausting and tiring for you. I agree with the others try and get your siblings to help its not fair it is all left to you. I am totally bedridden myself in constant pain on morphine day and night i try to keep cheerful but i know i get grummpy sometimes. My OH and 2 D,s care for me. I ALWAYS SAY SORRY as i dont want to be a burden to them. If your Mum could get to a Day Centre i think it would give u and Dad some relief. Perhaps she is in a lot of pain too and does not mean to take it out on you. Weve all got to get old until your there you dont realise how your parents are feeling. I bet they think the world of you and dont mean to be a burden. Can you get some help in the home so it is not so much for you to do. Try Carers SOCIAL SERVICES Help the Aged your G.P. even local hospitals have a volunteers helphelp sometimes. Take care sending lots of love you can always talk to us on the forum as so many ladies have helped me. Janetc.
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Tinkerbelle
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WendyS
member
Reged: 07/09/2008
Posts: 6
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Just wanted to say thanks again to you all for your kind words and to let you know my news - I've booked myself a holiday for the end of october!
I've had a chat to my sister and asked her if she will step in and see to mum and dad while I'm away and she said she would. I also decided to have a chat to mum and get things out into the open a bit. She said that she will try and be a bit more postive - I don't know if it will make any difference in the long run but I feel a lot better at the minute for having got things off my chest. And, of course, I'm excited to be going away on holiday and having a bit of 'me' time.
Thanks so much for the gentle push I needed to take action.I guess I knew all along that I should be doing 'something, anything' rather than just putting up with things - all your impartial views helped me see things more clearly.
Love and best wishes to you all. X
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 4024
Loc: South London
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Hi WendyS
Thanks for posting and letting us know what is happening. So glad you have booked a holiday - please go away and just relax and enjoy your own time for once.
Well done for having a chat with your sister, it will be nice for your parents to see their other daughter too. Having a chat with your mother is another first step too.
Foxie x.
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In your journey through life, take what works for you and let the rest go. Susan Jeffers
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Teasel
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 72
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Oh Wendy, that's great news
You have a lovely time & don't spend the holiday feeling guilty! You deserve every minute of it & perhaps you'll be more appreciated when you're missed.
It's good to DO something. It was the best day ever when I got my dad to agree to move. Not only is it easier for me to look after him, but he's got a whole new lease of life & thoroughly enjoying exploring his new village & developing a whole new social life. Before he just used to sit home & get depressed.
Have a lovely time & I'm glad things are looking better with your mum.
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 2261
Loc: Leicestershire
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Wendy that is wonderful!
Felt strongly that you needed to talk to your siblings! Well done for doing just that!
Now, when you come back from holiday, don't take sole responsibility...get their help a lot more as a shared responsibility!
I suppose if you never asked for help they just assumed everything was fine...well it wasn't.
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