barberella
member
Reged: 04/04/2008
Posts: 420
Loc: Nottingham
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Hi everyone.
It is one year now since our daughter moved in with us. How time has flown. The honeymoon period is definatly over and "normality" has prevailed (what ever that is).
it was a huge leap of faith her to give up everything she knew in Brighton to move up here and become part of our lives, for her and for us. But on the whole it was the right thing to do.
As some of you may remember, i posted on here asking for advice about writing to her adoptive parents. Well after much thought and screwed up paper, i did. I thanked them for providing her with love and security and tried to explain how much it meant to us that she had grown up knowing about us and wanting to meet us. I put in the best way i could that i hope their relationship with her would continue and that we weren't trying to "take her back from them. (not exactly in those words. I explained how important it is for Gem that we begin some kind of communication between the two families.
After quite a while i received a reply saying that they would not enter into correspondance with us and they would never forgive her for "what she has done".
All i can say is, i tried.
My take on this situation is that my daughter is a grown adult who has every right to make the decision to get to know her genetic family. It was something she needed to do.
It was a huge risk, but she felt it was a gamble worth taking. I'm so glad she did. Don't get me wrong, getting to know her and her us has been a huge rollercoaster. It has been hard, very hard and we have all had our doubts at one time or another. There are no fairytales in the real world.
There are things i love about her and things i despise. But i know that happens in all relationships. I drive her mad sometimes. She finds her father exasperating and her sister infuriating. She is the most untidy disorganised person i have ever met, She leaves lights on all over the house never puts anything away and is hopeless with money. She has taught her sister to play the guitar, taught me more about myself than anyone else ever, can match her father on wit and will and has made our family whole again.
One year on-would i do the same thing again?
You're dam right i would.
23 years ago i made the decision to have her adopted because i thought she deserved better than me.
For that time in my life it was the right decision, but i'm so glad she had the guts to come home.
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Seek the true woman inside and be true to her.
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Chickadee
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 3328
Loc: South Wales
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Barbarella, thank you so much for posting this. I didn't post on your earlier thrreads about this, as it was just when I had joined the forum, but I read them and thought about you. This post has moved me to tears. Your daughter must be a very special person to have such courage and determination and you must be very sppecial to have written such an honest and heart-warming account. It's such a shame her adoptive parents have been so difficult, but the loss is theirs - they have missed out on being part of her and your lives. I wish you all every happiness in your future as a family together.
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Vicky123
member
Reged: 22/02/2008
Posts: 2143
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Hi Barb. So pleased to read the latest on your story. I remember well how your original thread attracted many different views, and how sympathy for your situation swayed in several different directions. However its just fantastic to see how you have dealt with, and come through, such a difficult situation. You are a strong woman and very brave to have taken the steps you did. Whilst of course one sympathises with the adoptive parents, if they cannot accept that you are a part of her life and dont want to understand how she needs you, then at least you tried, and thats all you can do. Perhaps one day you can all sit down together and talk it out, but I suspect thats a long way off and you are best concentrating on continuing to build on your lovely relationship with your daughter. I take my hat off to you Barb and wish you all the best xxx
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barberella
member
Reged: 04/04/2008
Posts: 420
Loc: Nottingham
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Thanks Valeber.
You're right, it is their loss but at the same time i want her to maintain a relationship with them as they are her parents too. Its just that they don't understand her, She didn't live up to their expectations, wich has caused her damage. I can also see that she must have been very difficult at times. She is very willful and doesn't like being told anything. Their philosophy seems to have been - go on and on about it and prevent her from trying. Mine is let her try but catch her when she falls.
We are worlds apart in the parenting department.
I have also found alot out over the last year. Things that have been said about us that are untrue, to make us sound ......how do i put it,.....more acceptable to their class. I can't go into details obviously but it has caused a lot of hurt.
Thankyou for your good wishes and for thinking about us.
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Seek the true woman inside and be true to her.
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barberella
member
Reged: 04/04/2008
Posts: 420
Loc: Nottingham
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Thanks Vicky.
I would love to sit down with them and have a really good chat. But i don't think that will ever happen.
They have to acknowledge that we exsist first.
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Seek the true woman inside and be true to her.
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leljay27
member
Reged: 31/07/2008
Posts: 59
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I really feel for you, as I can see that you want the best for your daughter. I wonder why her adoptive parents don't feel the same way- but I guess there are "issues" from reading your posting. Best wishes to you all
Leljay
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Chickadee
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 3328
Loc: South Wales
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It must be very hurtful for your daughter that they can turn their backs on her like that and also that they don't love her for who she is, rather than who they want her to be. But perhaps that would always have been an issue, whether she had come and found you or not. Perhpas I am naive, but I can't believe that if they really loved her they would cut her out of their lives in that way, whatever she did.
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barberella
member
Reged: 04/04/2008
Posts: 420
Loc: Nottingham
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Thats exactly how i feel.Between you and me (and everyone else on here) i feel betrayed that they couldn't give my child unconditional love. I know i shouldn't say it (not out loud anyway) but she is who and what she is. They have played a huge part in shaping the adult she has become and they should take responsibility for that. They hinge everything on her and think she should be "more grateful". I don't try and understand it, my brain doesn't work like that. I wish i could make them see the girl inside that i have seen. Vulnerable and desperate to find her place in the world, somewhere she truly belongs. Well she has. With us!!!!!
You seem to have a really good take on this whole thing.
I know everyone doesn't share my point of view, but it very much depends on which angle you are coming from doesn't it.
Like i said before- walk in my shoes.
i'm getting a bit defensive now and i'm not sure why so i'll go before i get carried away.
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Seek the true woman inside and be true to her.
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AcornCup
member
Reged: 25/08/2008
Posts: 112
Loc: Hampshire
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When I was going through a very difficult time and emotions were heightened within a family context I used to repeat this affirmation over and over daily 'Things resolve themselves for the greater good of all concerned' Many years later, the relationships of everyone concerned moved on in different ways (and not necessarily as I'd envisaged at all) and now seem so much more positive. although fragile at times there is now a mutual respect amongst all who had been involved. The affirmation stopped me feeling the need to take resposibility for everyone else. Time heals if you allow it to, it's impossible to rush it along.
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barberella
member
Reged: 04/04/2008
Posts: 420
Loc: Nottingham
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Acorncup, what wise words. You have made me think very hard.
I understand what you are saying. Food for thought indeed.
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Seek the true woman inside and be true to her.
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OzzieKez
member
Reged: 21/06/2008
Posts: 1902
Loc: Queensland, Australia
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My husband met his bilogical mother 4 years ago at the age of 45. Both his adoptive parents have died. The meeting would never have taken place if either were still alive because, although, there is no doubt she loved OH and provided him with a good life, his adoptive mother was very bitter toward " the woman who was privileged to give birth to him, but gave him away". Unfortunately those feelings ran so deeply that it would have been impossible for her to accept that his biological mother is integrated in to our family and us into theirs. There is no right or wrong, it just is. In her case, she had no support from anyone and received no counselling. She was just expected to get on with it. How cruel! Knowing each other has made them both happy and the fact that he now has a sister and her children have enriched our lives immeasurably! Good luck ...... I wish you all every happiness!
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jessie_1
member
Reged: 07/03/2006
Posts: 951
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I traced my BM about 20 yrs ago and we are very close to each other, in fact she is my mum, as adopted parents, were not very good parents to me or their own kids.
So glad you and your daughter are together again.
Mrs H
x
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Diamonds may be a Girls best friend, but I prefer real friends.
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barberella
member
Reged: 04/04/2008
Posts: 420
Loc: Nottingham
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I'm glad you found your mum too mrs H. Reunion isn't alsways the disaster its feared to be is it. Although its never an easy relationship.
Ozziekez. I'm so glad your OH had a happy reunion too. What you said about his Apotive mother rings bells with my daughters AP. I get the feeling that they think i have no right to have a relationship with her because i "gave her away". Gemma's presense in our lives was her decision not ours. I would never have looked for her if she hadn't got in touch with us. She came to us of her own free will.
I think that there is alot more going on for women who cannot conceive than we are aware of. Particularly before the current medical help was available. I think many adoptive parents particularly women have not had sufficint help to deal with their infertility. This is bound to cause problems in the future for them. On the other hand however, if it wasn't for women like me and your OH's mum and Mrs H's mum, they wouldn't have the opportunity to experience parenthood at all. There are arguments on both sides i suppose. Thankyou for your good wishes.
regards to you both.
x
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Seek the true woman inside and be true to her.
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Fuschia
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 1054
Loc: US
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Barberella, like Val I had just joined the forum when you posted about your situation. I felt bad that I didn't join in the posts to tell you how much I supported you, but at that time I wasn't confident enough. Val has put it so eloquently that I can't really add anything to her post, other than you are showing Gemma a wonderful example of parenting and love that some kids never get from their parents, and I think you are doing a great job.
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barberella
member
Reged: 04/04/2008
Posts: 420
Loc: Nottingham
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Thanks fushia.
I think that as with most people there is no rule book available to help us with our parenting, we just do our best. I sometimes feel very lost and would love to be able to ask someone "what do i do?" but i feel like that with my other two children too so its not that different. Gemma is understandably more needy than them and we have to be a little more sensitive with her as she is less secure and certainly less confident. She has made massive changes in her lifestyle since coming here. Before she was leading a very.....um.... contravertial lifestyle. Very studenty and if i was honest not the type of life i wanted for her. I never said anything but have just tried to gently steer her towards setting herself goals and getting more organised. She has made huge changes. She passed her driving test got a car and a good job up here and is making friends. She says that she is now the person she always wanted to be, so that has to be a good thing. I am very aware that the life she has now is a million miles away from the one she was living before. She had left home when she was 16 and just drifted around. She was homeless for a while and has got herself into some really dodgy situations. I find it hard to know that at one time she was sleeping rough under the pier in Brighton when she was so young. No-one wants that for their child. It adds to my guilt really which is something i struggle with alot. Shes very matter of fact about it all and seems to have no regrets about the situation she was in. She says it was better than going home. I can't comment as i wasn't there but i have my own thoughts about it.
Maybe i should write a book one day.
Thanks for your support. I get great comfort from being able to pour my heart out on here without fear of judgement or critisism. Thats what this forum is all about.
regards Barb X
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Seek the true woman inside and be true to her.
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Chelsea
member
Reged: 06/02/2008
Posts: 776
Loc: Essex
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Hi Barberella,
Although it's sad that your daughter's adoptive parents seem to be rejecting her (and you), deep-down it is probably just that they are feeling the pain of what they percieve to be 'rejection' from her. Although you know the other side of the story, perceptions and emotions are very powerful and sometimes people are just not able to be adults about it.
When you think about it, 12 months is not really a long time when you put it next to 20 odd years of parenting and trying to do what they sincerely believed was the 'right way' to bring your girl up. I wouldn't be surprised if in time, they come to realise that they are hurting themselves and they may want to build the relationship from that point onwards. Therefore, it would be good if they felt they could contact you and/or your daughter. I know it's hard, but could you just drop them a note to say that you all completely understand how they feel (!!) and that you will welcome contact if they change their minds?
It can't be easy Barberella, but I think that by being the 'grown-ups' in this case will put you all in a much stronger position - whatever these people do or say as a result. Above all, it might allow you to put all of this stuff behind you and just get on with enjoying having your D back in your lives.
Good luck!
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Chelsea x
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1265
Loc: Somerset
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My only suggestion would be to make sure your daughter remembers her adoptive parents birthdays etc. From what you've said it sounds like they're feeling very hurt and have a severe case of "cutting off their nose to spite their face". If there's some ongoing contact from your side of the family it will make it so much easier for them to get in touch if (hopefully when) they come to terms with the situation and realise they don't want to lose their daughter. As Chelsea says, do the grown-up thing.
Good luck!
Chrissi
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barberella
member
Reged: 04/04/2008
Posts: 420
Loc: Nottingham
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I have written to them thanking them for everything they have done for her etc and in the best way i could tried to get across to them that we are not trying to replace them. I said i understood they must feel hurt and when they are ready we will be willing to have contact with them. they wrote back saying they could never forgive her for what she has done and they don't ever forsee a time when they would want contact with us. They said they can't tell anyone they know about what she has done as they are so ashamed. They have forbidden her from contacting any member of her family about this.
My daughter still goes to see them as i feel its important that she does. They refer to us as "them" critisise everything she does and she always comes back upset.
My daughter wanted to tell her Gran (about 90) and i said she should if she wanted to. She went to see her and she was thrilled about it all and can't wait to meet us.
Her Gran is her AM's step mother and went on to tell her what a dreadful time she gave her gran when she married her grandad. She said she has never really taken to her AM and was thrilled she'd found her "real Parents".
I think that coming from a very straight talking yorkshire woman, it speaks volumes.
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Seek the true woman inside and be true to her.
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gigi
member
Reged: 12/04/2008
Posts: 1848
Loc: North East
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I am so pleased to see this post, from where I stand (sit) you two seem to have a lot in common, both strong and loyal to have coped with the past year and still be together as a family unit. As an adoptive mum and sister of an adopted person I can see this from many angles. My mother adopted in a time when "it was best for the child" to know nothing about the adoption. That meant that until her wedding my ES did not know she was adopted, only found out through her full birth certificate. My mother took the stance you are dealing with, to trace birth mum would be a betrayal.
When we adopted it was open from day one. While the birth family has been contacted, with my help, it was they who refused to take part. My adopted child has serioulsy considered doing this again as an adult and I have helped in any way possible. After reading through the adoption papers I have always kept from social work visits and initial meetings, the trace has been put on hold. Now is not the right time for my child. This process has meant a little distancing from me while mixed emotions are worked through. It is natural to want to know your true history. I hope your daughters AM comes to terms with this in time, or she will miss out on so much.
Interestingly I was a volunteer with an adoption agency who wanted to make changes to the present process. A life story was put together and included annecdotes from anyone who had known the child, midwife, nursery teacher, close neighbours. A foundation day was held, where with a lot of excellent timing diary co-ordination, all appropriate birth family members met the adoptive parents. At the end of the funding an huge conference was arranged and social workers et from throught the UK and Ireland met and people who had volunteeered to take part in the trial were invited. Everyone who took part valued what had happened and it helped them come to terms with the adoption. It was the social workers who, despite it's success, felt there were too many possible complications and issues involved to roll it out nationwide.
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 3936
Loc: South London
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Hi barberella
Thanks for letting us know what happened. So glad your daughter found you, you must have wondered about her so many times over the years. I didn't post on your original post as I know nothing about adoption and felt I had nothing to add to the many forumers who were able to give support and advice from their personal experience.
Wishing you both lots of happiness and joy.
Foxie x.
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Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told "I'm with you kid. Let's go." Maya Angelou
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