dsc2411
member
Reged: 18/03/2008
Posts: 11
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I have been a reader of Woman and Home for many years and at the beginning of this year discovered the forum. Often during a quiet spell at work (Monday to Friday) I have dipped into the forum and enjoyed reading all the postings. I did register, but this is the first time I have ever really felt the need to seek advice, and perhaps other members’ thoughts on my dilemma.
Once again I seem to have opened up a can of worms with my mother, and am beginning to wish I had said nothing! I am married (second H) with two grown up children. My S lives with his father (my first H), and my D lives with me and my second H. I work full time and am reasonably articulate. I have no problem speaking up for myself with anyone, with the exception of my mother. For some reason she has the ability to make me feel guilty, and has since my early teens. I have one sister who is ten years younger than me, and whilst we were friends when she was in her twenties and I was in my thirties, we have not been close for a number of years.
My present dilemma stems from about 8 years ago, when my parents, then in their sixties, were desperate to move from their house (which faced a green space and was subject to large numbers of children and teenagers playing football at all times of the day and evening) to a bungalow. I must admit perhaps I did not take their worries seriously (something my mother has reminded me of) as I put it down to them being at home all day (my father retired early with a heart problem and my mother had already retired in her fifties) with nothing else to focus on. My sister (who has no children) and her then partner then apparently offered to put money into the purchase of a bungalow, if my parents sold their house. I was unaware of this until it was virtually a “done deal”. When I enquired as to whether my parents would still retain an interest in the new bungalow, and thus a percentage would be my inheritance so to speak, I was informed that No, upon their death everything would go to my sister, and that was the only way my sister and her partner would proceed with the deal. Needless to say a lot was said, and I was heartbroken that they could think so little of me and their grandchildren. My parents seem to think that all I could think about was the money and that I begrudged them a quieter life in their old age. I have tried to explain that it was not about the money, there never being any guarantees in this day and age that you will ever inherit money, more the principle that I had been disinherited. My father said that we could put money into the purchase, but this was impossible as my second H and I had only recently purchased a property and had a mortgage until we reach 65 years of age. I had signed over my previous marital home to my first H and taken no money out of the property whatsoever in order that it would always be a home for my children. My second H had also taken a vastly reduced sum from his previous property for the same reason.
Despite my feelings and many tears, I felt I had no choice but to continue seeing my parents and to put the matter behind me, the only alternative being never to speak to them again.
At this stage, I should say that I feel I have always had a somewhat strained relationship with my mother since my early teens. My mother did work full time, and my much younger sister went to a nursery during the week. My mother went through a period of ill health, and I suppose I could have been more help, but like most teenagers I felt that my life revolved round looking after my sister and helping in the house and I resented it. When I met my first H, for some reason my mother seemed to resent it, and as a result I spent most of my free time with my in-laws to be who welcomed me. Life at home was just one long argument. My mother always seemed to think it was because they had more money – this far from the truth – life was just quieter there! This situation continued after I had married and had children. My mother had retired from work when my children were young, and was only in her early fifties, but only seemed to want to see my children when I came as part of the package. They are my parents’ only grandchildren, but despite the fact they were both retired, they never had them to stay over, or took them out for the day on their own.
As a result my children were always closer to their father’s parents – another reason my mother put down to money. She would not admit it was perhaps because they wanted to spend time with their grandchildren. Even now my children are not close to my parents.
My sister and I are not close – as a result of an argument some years ago – instigated by my mother who apparently repeated something I had said. I never did get down to the bottom of that, but as my mother did not seem too bothered, I always put it down to the fact that she did not like my sister and I being close as she liked everything to revolve round her and resented that we might do or go somewhere without her.
Anyway, sorry to go on, but the crux of the matter is that my sister, who has split with her partner, has been ill and off work with stress for some months now. She is close to my parents, and understandably my mother was worried. However, when we had a conversation on the telephone the other day, I expressed my sympathy and said if I could I would help, but that my sister and I were not close. My mother then said she could not understand why. I felt the need (though I wish I hadn’t) to raise the matter of the bungalow purchase. One thing led to another, and a 90 minutes conversation later we agreed to leave the matter. However, I just feel so frustrated – my mother has totally rewritten history in her own mind, and my sister is now their saviour and shining light in their old age. I knew I was on a loser when she said that she had always had the children for me when they were young and implied that I had forgotten what they did for me on purpose! Struggling to remember anything to be honest.
My H and S and D, and ex H as well, are totally on my side, and back up my recollections. I suppose I will have to just accept that my mother never will see my side, and as she and my father do not have great health now, I will just have to put up and shut up! No doubt I will phone shortly to see how she is – how do some mothers manage to make you feel guilty? If anything it reminds me not to do the same to my S and D!
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1265
Loc: Somerset
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Families! There's always one who can do no wrong and families are so good at knowing exactly which buttons to press to make you feel bad. I feel that you're being incredibly generous in offering assistance to your sister after she persuaded your parents to effectively sign over your inheritance to her. I'm not sure I would be so generous (I can see myself thinking "what goes around comes around").
At the end of the day you'll know that there's nothing anyone can reproach you for but I do understand how tough it is for you.
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duckegg
member
Reged: 26/02/2007
Posts: 1065
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Hi dsc
When I read posts like yours it makes me glad that I was an only child and had the parents I did
In your position I think I'd feel pretty miffed about the way I'd been treated and you have my total admiration for the way that you've chosen to deal with the situation.
One question that comes to my mind though is how, if at all, does the fact that your sister and her husband are no longer living together affect the arrangement they made with your parents about the bungalow. Could it be a possibility that he might demand his share now. I have no idea what the position is legally but I have visions of it turning into a horrible mess and that you are best well out of.
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Jules45
member
Reged: 17/04/2007
Posts: 229
Loc: Warks
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Hi dsc, agree with both of the above posts, and think it very likely your sister's ex partner may want his investment returned in some way.
You're obviously a very kind and generous soul to have reacted the way you have, and have nothing to reproach yourself for. It's strange how some people seem to develop such selective memories, I often wonder if we all inhabit the same universe.
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Jules
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rosettastone
member
Reged: 11/03/2008
Posts: 458
Loc: Kent/Surrey borders
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Hi,
mmmmm....your mother sounds just like my MIL i.e she only likes people who do things for her or put her first , so that she benefits in some way. Therefore you will always be the loser so to speak in the relationship as it stands.
This all smacks of jealousy as well of your in laws.
The guilt thing is just to try and control you , I'm afraid. Rather than get into arguments always defending yourself , adopt the same thing my OH and I do .....give out bland remarks to her accusations , don't justify youself all the time ,,it just wastes energy. The inheritance is nasty, but this is all to show you that you haven't done enough for her according to her that is.
There is no easy solution, they sound like the kind of people who don't think they have done anything out of order. 
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carpe diem - seize the day!
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dsc2411
member
Reged: 18/03/2008
Posts: 11
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Thank you for all your comments - very much appreciated!
During our "discussion" my Mother did say that the bungalow was now only in my sister's name - I think some deal was done when my sister and her partner split up. So they should have no worries on that score! However, I have never really been given the full details, and I now feel that I really don't care.
I did telephone my mother to check she was ok, as she had been ill, and nothing was mentioned whatsoever about our previous conversation. I feel that I really never can win (especially when someone can rewrite history and really believes what they say), so have decided to totally forget about it and move on! I am trying to adopt the attitude that "life is too short" - I have a brilliant H, S and D and life could be so much worse. One nice touch was that my Ex-H, S and D totally confirmed my version of events - not sure if it's an age thing, but once you hit the menopause you really do start to question yourself!
As I said I often dip into the Forum during quiet spells at work, and I find it fascinating - and it's nice to know that you're not the only one with problems! That's life I suppose.
Thank you for your help, and I hope to contribute to the Forum in the future. It really seems a great way to make friends.
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Chelsea
member
Reged: 06/02/2008
Posts: 776
Loc: Essex
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Hi dsc,
You sound very positive today and that is very good to see. I'm glad you've made a concious decision to move on - it really is the only way. I know it is not easy but you are doing the right thing - you and the ones closest to you are the important ones now.
Take care.
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Chelsea x
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 3936
Loc: South London
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Hi dsc
Sounds to me that you have made the right decision and have realised that things won't change regarding your mother. You know in your heart of hearts what the truth is. Sometimes you just have to let go and your attitude now sounds so positive.
Look after yourself.
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Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told "I'm with you kid. Let's go." Maya Angelou
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3011
Loc: Surrey
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Hi dsc. I can see how you are making sense of all the emotional and practical problems in your way and you have skimmed through some background for us to help us to see where you are coming from. I agree with all the things others have said but I just want to put in the thought that some problems are only really felt if you have been there yourself, and by that I am thinking about your relations. Your mother and sister would possibly have all sorts of strong reasons for acting the way they do, or did, and they can never be understood because, as I say, you have to have been there yourself. They may well feel justified for thinking that you do not need an interest in your own parents' property, but they obviously have not thought how they would feel if it had happened to them. I wholeheartedly understand how you feel about your inheritance. In my view it is beyond the pale when people do not look after their own, no matter what, but unfortunately not everyone thinks the same way and that is when the problems start. It is easy to tell someone to move on because, let's face it, the person giving advice does not have to do the moving on, but it is very hard to do when the reason for your disquiet stares you in the face. My latest mantra (and I have lots of them!) is to value yourself, and the life you have made for yourself, which I think you already do. x
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dsc2411
member
Reged: 18/03/2008
Posts: 11
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Hi to everyone! Well it's 3.55 pm and I'm at work - on my own today so just had a quick look through the Forum - I now know what everyone means when they say it's addictive!
Thanks for your comments issi, and I do appreciate what you mean. To be honest I can see some of my parent's reasons - after all they had to do what they did for their own future. Not sure about my sister's reasons though! I suppose my real frustration is their refusal to see my side at all - they've seem to think all I was interested in was the money! That really was not the case.
But feeling a lot more positive today! Had one of those weeks when I have learnt that a client, aged 44, has died of a sudden heart attack, and a colleague who used to work down the corridor has died of cancer, aged 28! It really does bring everything into perspective.
I'm a big fan of "sayings" - my favourite at the moment is "A good life stretches the wrinkles"! Does that mean good as in "virtuous", or good as in "have a dammed good time" do you think? Hope it's the latter!
Best Wishes
dsc
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