Ziggy
member
Reged: 17/08/2008
Posts: 12
Loc: South Devon
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My 7 year olds friend has just died suddenly - he wasn`t at the same school but my son played with him from time to time and last saw him 2 weeks ago. I don`t know whether to wait until he asks about him or tell him now before someone tells him when he goes back to school. Not sure how much a 7 year old will understand about death and also don`t want to upset him - he is very sensitive!SHould I say the friend was ill to begin with and then break him in gently?
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expatK
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Reged: 18/01/2008
Posts: 1030
Loc: Frankfurt,Germany
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Ziggy
I am so sorry about this... how sad..
However, as somebody who used to work with bereaved families, I feel strongly that you should be the one to tell your son. It is much better that he hears it from someone he loves and trusts, rather than wait for him to hear it from somebody else. Gently tell him the facts- in very simple terms-appropriate to a 7 year old-, and acknowledge that it is very, very sad. Give him lots of cuddles.
My daughter is grown up now, but not too long ago she told me that she always appreciated the fact that she could always come to me with anything, and would always get an honest answer or explanaton.
It's only natural to want to shield our children from painful things, but they have to learn that these things happen in life, and far better to experience them from within the security of a loving family.
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Chickadee
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Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 3322
Loc: South Wales
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Hi Ziggy, not an easy task but I would tell him yourself before someone else does. 7 year olds can understand a great deal about death - they may well have heard other children talking about it, and often have experienced pets dying.
I would talk to him as you would to anyone else that you had to break such sad news to - choose a quiet time, when you won't be interrupted, tell him that you have something sad to tell him about his friend, and then explain what has happened. It might be nice to offer him some way to grieve for his friend - lighting a candle in a church, writing down the nice things he remembers, having a photo to remind him. Be ready to answer questions - not necessarily the ones you're expecting.
My mother died when my boys were three and five and they understood a good deal about her death. We didn't try to hide anything from them and they coped very well with losing their granny.
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gigi
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Reged: 12/04/2008
Posts: 1848
Loc: North East
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I agree with all that has been said, Your son needs to be told this by someone who he feels comfortable with, can trust and question, and give him a cuddle too, and you are by far the best person to do this.
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DeepBlue
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Reged: 16/02/2008
Posts: 269
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Hi Ziggy. How sad for you both. I endorse what the other ladies have suggested with a couple of additions. Please make sure you tell his teacher. I often teach children this age and I'm sure his teacher would like to know as sometimes children start behaving differently when something like this happens and it will help him/her to make allowances for a lttle while as he comes to terms with it. Children of this age do understand about death and can accept it's inevitablity provided you don't tell them 'fairy tales'.
You might also like to get hold of the last story about Mog The Cat where Mog dies (sorry can't remember the title of the author but your libary will know). It is the most beautifully written children's book about death that
I've ever read and children who love the Mog stories and most do are brought to realise that death is inevitable and simply a part of life
Best wishes.
Poppyc
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ChrissiFi
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Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1265
Loc: Somerset
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The only thing I can say is to agree with Valaber - tell him in a way he will understand but be honest about what happened (your local library may have a number of books to help children understand about death including the Mog one) before someone else does. I'm sure he'll understand more than you anticipate (my friend's daughter was 5 when her grandfather died but from the questions she asked she understood more than anyone had expected) but if someone tells him in the wrong way (another child for example) he may well be frightened and very troubled. He needs to know that his friend is in a good place but everyone else is still with him and not going anywhere.
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judyb
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Reged: 09/01/2008
Posts: 77
Loc: Yeadon, West Yorkshire
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I agree with all that has been said and would add that some children appear to accept news about death with almost no reaction at the time, but may well ask questions or become upset weeks, months or even years later as their understanding of what death means develops. You need to be prepared to revisit the issue and answer questions in the future. Ten years ago when my children were 6 and 8 their 4 year old cousin was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour (he died 3 months later). On the advice of our health visitor my children were involved throughout - visiting their cousin in hospital right up to the end of his life and attending his funeral.
Just last Christmas my 15 year old son asked out of the blue asked if we could visit his cousin's grave because he had been thinking about him a lot.
Good luck with telling your son about his friend ziggy.
Judyb x
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gyp
member
Reged: 15/04/2008
Posts: 536
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Ziggy
I reiterate what everyone is saying, it's such an awful situation to be in.
And welcome to the forum as I notice it's your first post.
gyp
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Sunbeam
member
Reged: 09/05/2008
Posts: 1857
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I agree with everything already said but would just like to pass my experience on, when my Dad was very near the end of his life my youngest son was 7, I explained to both of the boys (the other was 10) that Grandad was very poorly and wouldn't be getting better, I thought I was being gentle, going slowly, but in fact when my Dad died a few days later my 7 year old was devastated, he hadn't realised that not getting better meant dying, I felt terrible, I felt I'd let him down.
I know your circumstances are different, but I think my story shows the limitations of a 7 year old, my 10 year old had taken in the information and understood what I meant. I suppose I just want to say tell him the facts make sure he understands, and especially that it's not something that happens very often to a small boy, Bless him I'll be thinking about you.
Welcome Ziggy, I'm glad you felt you could come along and ask for advice, its a lovely forum.
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Splash123
member
Reged: 04/05/2008
Posts: 962
Loc: South Glamorgan
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Mog the Cat is by Judith Kerr
Agree its a good book to read to your son at this sad time
So sorry....Take Care
Love x
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Ziggy
member
Reged: 17/08/2008
Posts: 12
Loc: South Devon
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Thank you so much everyone who replied. It is so lovely to find caring people so quickly as this is my first time on the forum. Its a good idea Poppyc to tell his teacher - its going to be hard enough in year 3 as it is. Will let you know how i get on. It is unutterably sad for the parents of this little boy - he has 3 brothers and they will need so much support. Every time i look at my son i feel such sorrow when i think what they are going through and about a life cut so short. Thank you again everyone.Nightx
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buckup
member
Reged: 08/04/2008
Posts: 67
Loc: whitstable Kent
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Another childrens book is "FRED". That sadi it's about a cat that dies and how much people loved and respected him and how his memorie lived on.......maybe better if an animal dies but the principal the same. Good luck. Tell us how you get on.
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Ashbee
member
Reged: 13/06/2008
Posts: 808
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When my sons were about the same age they heard at school that a class mate had died. They took it very well - better than I expected. Kids are very resiliant but I do think in this case you should tell him yourself.
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sheilahood
member
Reged: 25/08/2008
Posts: 2
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How terrible for you to have to do this but as an infant teacher, I agree with all the other suggestions about being honest and using language your son can understand.I saw a tv programme years ago about children dealing with death and one of the suggestions was to attach a message to a helium balloon and then let it go. This was really theraputic for my own young children when their Gran died earlier this year. My thoughts are with you.
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