Seahorse16
member
Reged: 08/03/2008
Posts: 25
Loc: South-east England
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Sorry about this everyone, but I really need to offload and this seems a safe place.
As I've said before, I'm going through a separation. It'll be ten months since he left and in that time I've found a job (after not working for twenty years) so that I can pay all the household bills. The only thing I can't pay is the mortgage - his father's doing that as his business is on it's last legs.
The problem at the moment is that my youngest doesn't really want to see his father every single week. He would rather see him once a fortnight. I think this is perfectly okay and don't see a problem with it.
Unfortunately, the ex got extremely annoyed when we discussed it last night and said that I should "forcefully" encourage the three kids to see him regularly. The kids are 19,17 and nearly 14. Does anyone know exactly how to "forcefully" encourage someone to do something they don't want to do? No? Me neither.  I was then told he was "going to fight me for every penny of the equity" as I apparently want far more than I'm entitled to and as for maintenance, I apparently only want that to keep me in the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed. He has not, btw, paid a penny piece since he left.
So - my lifestyle. Let's see - don't have a car (he took it off me), so I borrow the daughters; can't afford a holiday (but he's spent three weeks in Cornwall and is going for another three weeks fairly soon. He also has a large powerboat that he blats around in). I shop for food in a cheaper supermarket, and haven't bought any new clothes in, oh, I don't know, a long, long time.
Once I would have dissoved into tears - now I'm just furiously angry. I'm going to see my solicitor in a couple of weeks and get the divorce started. I'm ending this once and for all.
Does anyone have a recommendations for a cheap loan to pay for a divorce? My solicitor isn't Legal Aid, unfortunately.
Phew! Deep breath. Feel better now. 
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dizeeblonde
member
Reged: 19/01/2008
Posts: 2273
Loc: Manchester
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I would contact the CSA as soon as possible to get some child support. As for forcing your child to see your ex I'm sorry but I don't know how you can do this. I don't know anything about legal aid but this may be something you should look into.
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jessica
member
Reged: 01/02/2007
Posts: 518
Loc: North Wiltshire
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At 14 your youngest is building up his network of friends YOU will be lucky to see him in the next 3 years. Tell the OH hes growing up and so should he. See your solicitor and make a list of comparasons.
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anner06
member
Reged: 18/03/2008
Posts: 331
Loc: Northamptonshire
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Hi - I've sent you a PM. Just click on the flashing envelope next to your name when you sign in
Anne
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OzzieKez
member
Reged: 21/06/2008
Posts: 1175
Loc: Queensland, Australia
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Keep a diary of everything the happens and what he says, including threats. Make note of his holidays etc, as well as your expenditure re: the kids- in fact the more accurate information that you can give your solicitor, the better. Keep it in a book or whatever and keep a copy. Don't take the bait, he sounds like a bully. Practise being calm, show him you won't be pushed around but keep your distance. Like it or not, he has to negotiate with you - not just threaten- be effective about your's and the kids future. You will get through this!
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ChelseaMorning
member
Reged: 06/02/2008
Posts: 649
Loc: Essex
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Sorry you are having a tough time. Not sure if it has changed but I was told when I got divorced some years ago now that as far as the court is concerned, 14 is the age when the child makes up his/her own mind about whether they want to see the parent at all - let alone on a regular basis. The courts will always put the needs of the child first - adults feelings don't come into it. Worth checking this out.
I know it is difficult and you may even find the very idea unthinkable - but the cheapest way to divorce is to go the route that allows you to both meet in the solicitor's office and he tries to get you to agree the settlement. It has a name but I can't think of it now. I wish I had done this and saved some money but we were in a very bad place at the time and I thought my ex would screw me over but looking back, it would probably have been alright.
Good luck with whatever you decide x x x
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Chelsea x
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Nisgal
member
Reged: 10/06/2008
Posts: 16
Loc: Worcestershire
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Sorry to hear about your hard times, Seahorse, I do hope things improve for you soon. Have you applied for Tax Credits? Might be a thought to help you over this horrid hurdle. I bit the bullet and applied and was astounded to find out I was elligible. As for "forcing" the children - I agree you simply cannot do it. Even at 14 the youngests wishes should be heard and if he/she would prefer fortnightly visits then that should be paramoungt, not his wishes or yours for that matter. This will make you a stronger person believe me its not just a cliche - but do start to fight for your own and your childrens financial security....you deserve it. Divorces are frightful things but when you come through it (my experience says not to expect wonderous changes in either parties attitude for 2years from date of separation)life will be much better.
Keep smiling.....it will annoy him even more!!
Regards, and wishing you well,
Alex
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Seahorse16
member
Reged: 08/03/2008
Posts: 25
Loc: South-east England
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Thank you everyone for the words you've said. You get to the stage sometimes when you start to think "Maybe it is me - maybe I am poisoning their minds", so it's good to hear opinions from others. It's certainly grounded me hearing from you all.
I have got working tax and child tax credits, as well as child benefit. I had to sort that stuff out when he first left in September, but thank you anyway.
Nisgal - I really liked your suggestion to keep smiling....sounds like a plan!!!
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