JustJenny
member
Reged: 25/02/2007
Posts: 253
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I haven't posted for a very long time although I do read the posts regularly, my close friend has a big problem.
Her husband is an alcholic. He acknowledges what he is, has been in rehab about 2 yrs ago and is falling off the wagon big time now...
All the advice she is given, is to try to make a life for herself and not to try to stop him, if he looses his job or his driving licence then that is his choice...
But that isn't what she wants, she loves him and wants him and their life back.
He isn't abusive but he is lying about going to AA she thinks he goes to a pub. He has just moved to a less stressful job, but he blames every little stress, even a late train, on a need to drink..
I listen to her but haven't got any advice to give.
I just wondered if anyone has been in this situation and I know this must be hard but if you can share anything that might help?
Jen
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BettyRubble
member
Reged: 06/02/2008
Posts: 324
Loc: South west France
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I've got a friend in a similar position except he is violent. I've never told her to leave him because she's never asked the question. The last time he hit was on Saturday and this time she has moved out - the reason was because her daughter told her enough was enough - she's fourteen and she is fed up with all the lying and the secrecy, covering up for her Dad etc. One thing my friend has always done was to be in charge of the finances, although the house is in joint names. She knows that it will be a matter of time before he's arrested and put in jail because Saturday he hit a policeman. She doesn't want this to happen but I think it is slowly dawning on her that HE is responsible for HIS behaviour and all the love that she lavishes on this guy is never going to turn him away from the alcohol. Your friend and mine have got realise that alcoholism is not something they will ever control and when she says she wants their life back what exactly does she want, because if it was the life she led before she found out about it then that life was a lie. Is that really what she wants?
One things for sure I do so appreciate my old man - I am one of the lucky ones and I hope I never slip up and take this for granted.
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ColetteH
member
Reged: 05/10/2006
Posts: 71
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My sister was an alcoholic for many years. It destroyed her marriage, relationships with her children, famliy and friends. She did dry out successfully, for about 18months,but unfortunately when she tried to mend bridges with her children, they did not want to know, and her drinking spiralled out of control.When I asked her why she did this to herself, she just replied"I like to drink". You cannot stop someone who is hellbent on destroying themselves. In the end I looked after her. Nursed her 24hours, but eventually she had to go into a nursing home because I couldnt physically cope anymore. I think towards the end she did regret her choices, but they were hers to make. And I was always ther for her to come to. Sorry If this is not what you or your friend want to hear, but unfortunately this is the reality with addicts. On a practical level your friend can talk to her G.P. A.A are very supportive for family. Al.Anon. good for children, Mental Health Team. Need referral I think from G.P.Good luck.But all you can do is to be a good friend and let her talk to you,My friends were great, and also my OH.
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JustJenny
member
Reged: 25/02/2007
Posts: 253
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Thanks Betty & Collete
I know you are both right but it is so hard when there is nothing I can say to her.
Thought about getting my H to talk to him but I don't think that would do any good, if he can watch his family hurting and still pick up that bottle, nothing H can say will alter his thinking.
My friend is only in her 40's but will she still be there for him in 10yrs if he carries on I don't think so!
Sorry to go on so but feel so helpless for her and can't get her out of my mind today.....
Jen
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gillian57
member
Reged: 15/06/2008
Posts: 154
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Just wanted to add a positive note. A friend of mine was in the same position some years ago until her husband realised it was the drink or her. She really thought he would choose the drink but by some miracle he chose her and hasn't drunk since. Fingers crossed for a happy ending for your friend too.
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OzzieKez
member
Reged: 21/06/2008
Posts: 1094
Loc: Queensland, Australia
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Alcoholism is an addiction, and a mental illness. The most successful way to treat it is professional counselling. AA hasn't got a great long term success rate. It takes extraordinary strength and determination to break the cycle for good and requires complete abstinance. Unfortunately it would appear to have a significant hereditary component.
I wish your friend well.
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Nisgal
member
Reged: 10/06/2008
Posts: 16
Loc: Worcestershire
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The best advice I would offer to you Justjenny is to listen to your friend and actually NOT offer any advice. Until you have lived with the turmoil and chaos of an alcoholic relationship you cannot imagine what it is like. Your friend will very occasionally see the kind and gentle man she fell in love with all those years ago and that is probably her reason for staying in the relationship. Has she tried Al-anon? I found that group very supportive and helpful. After 21 years of marriage and 2 children and now 10 years apart my ex and I are very close friends. I could not live with him again as he, like most addicts, is a manipulator and liar (getting less and less) but a loveable man nontheless. Be there to listen to your friend but any decisions need to be hers...let her cry on your shoulder and offer her a safe place to take refuge should circumstances ever need her to get out for a break one day.
Hope things turn out well for her in the end.
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Nisgal
member
Reged: 10/06/2008
Posts: 16
Loc: Worcestershire
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PS - please dont feel tempted to critisise her partner...she can see all his faults. If you do critisise him she will feel obliged to defend him (rightly or wrongly) - just listen and be gentle with her
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JustJenny
member
Reged: 25/02/2007
Posts: 253
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Thanks for all of the advice.
I do listen and I don't critisise her husband because I quite like him, he is a nice person generally. But what on earth makes him drink when he know how it effects his family, especially as after treatment everything was going well for a while.
She has tried Al-Anon but again the advice was to build a life of your own, which isn't what she want to hear I suppose.
Perhaps all I can offer is to be here for her..
Thanks everyone
Jen
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