dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 3519
Loc: Kent UK
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I got a phone call just now from a dear, close and long term girlfriend of mine. She is nearly ten years old than me but we have never really notice it and over the years have had many laughs, a few tears and a lot of fun in each others company.
We clicked instantly when we meet, and have known each other since our boys were in nursery/primary school, some 15 or so years ago now.
She started the phone call off by saying the normal hello and friendly chat about the family and life but then she suddenly broke off this line of chat and said she "didn't know how to tell me something so I'll just come straight out with it!" The next line she spoke was "I have cancer in my breast" and "I'm starting a course of chemotherapy this Friday "
We chatted on the phone for over half an hour and she said she promises to call me and let me know how things are going and when she would like me to pop over and see her. She is only 10 minutes drive away from me.
The lump is only a few cms big but according to the hospital and my friend (she is a trained nurse) this is fairly big.
She isn't at all big busted and after removing the lump she will need to have the rest of her breast tissue removed.
Please what I need is advice on what I can do for my friend. I said I was so sorry to hear her news and that I didn't know what to say or do. I have offered help of any sort and for her to phone me at any time night or day no mater how silly or little her concern or worry is or even if she just wants a moan.
Still I feel at a loss, helpless and hopeless as to what I can do to be of some positive useful help to her and feel I need please some ideas and suggestions from all you lovely ladies as to what I can do to support and be there for her.
I don't want to call her but should I just leave things till she contacts me again?
Do I send her a card or note ?
What do you do for a close and dear friend who has just given told you such news??
Advice and help needed please???
Thanks in advance for your help and advice from me
Debbie   dbverycherry
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xxxSummerxxx
member
Reged: 29/03/2008
Posts: 4375
Loc: Essex
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Debbie,
I haven't been through this in quite the same way as you but if it was me i would sent her a short notelets every now and then explaining that you will be there for her etc,tell her that you dont expect a reply but you are there if she needs a listening ear.I just feel that if shes not upto speaking to anyone then she wont feel pressured by your concern.
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norfolkbroad
member
Reged: 03/05/2007
Posts: 298
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Hi Debbie
I think you should call her in a day or two and just say what you've said here - you don't really know what to say but want to give her all the support you can. It's taken a lot of guts on her part to tell you and I'm sure she'd really appreciate your call.
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 3519
Loc: Kent UK
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Thanks so much for your quick and positive thinking Summer. Such a prompt reply.
 I will go and buy some suitable cards/ notelets tomorrow.
Isn't it funny how life pans out. Only today my care job where I look after an old lady twice a week has suddenly and unexpectedly ended. I now have 2 whole free days each week. So all being well I can be there for her if and when she feels the need.
dbverycherry
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 3519
Loc: Kent UK
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Hello Norfolk classy lass
I was wondering if I should just give her a quick call this Friday evening but I don't want to trouble her to much. She did mention her mum has been worrying her and phoning her each day so I took this as a slight hint not to call her but I may have read what she said wrong.
Why isn't there a hand book for such situations in life??
dbverycherry
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dbverycherry
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helene
member
Reged: 09/06/2008
Posts: 58
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Debbie I know that you will be astute enough to be able to support your friend through all her difficulties , sometimes we feel we are not up to a task that is suddenly sprung upon us but I think the most important thing you can do just now is listen clearly to what your friend is needing and you will know how to offer her support I wish you well and dont hesitate to ask your other friends for help or advice you can certainly call on me if I can be of any help
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beejay
member
Reged: 10/01/2008
Posts: 161
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Hi.I had this situation with one of my closest friends 2 years ago.We had goneout for a meal plus OHs when I said I had found a lump in my breast and she said she had as well.Mine was nothing but in fact she had 2 lumps, each with a different form.If I were you I would just call,perhaps with a small bunch of flowers or chocs and say" i'm not stopping .I just want to give you a hug".I did phone a lot and I found that if she didn't want to talk it either went into ansaphone or her husband made an excuse.She had surgery and before she went into hospital I made her up a goody bag with lots of little things in (a nice Crabtrree and Evelyn soap,scented tissues,a little craft kit,magazines etc.)That was 2 years ago.My friend lost all her hair but it has now fully grown again(she had a fantastic wig when was hairless).She finished the main treatment and is just on Tamoxofen.3weeks ago she had a mamogram and it was clear.Breast cancer these days is much more treatable.Keep your fingers crossed for me.I had my routinemammogram last Friday and now have to wait 2-3 weeks for the result.Hope this helps.barbara
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 3519
Loc: Kent UK
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Hi and thanks so much Beejay and Helene.
That was a lovely offer of yours and I do appreciate it Helene I might well just PM if thats OK.
Beejay what a really thoughtful and touching idea and I think I will do just that. A loving hug between good friends says an awful lot I think and the goodie bag idea is great. I know just what she likes and can treat and spoil her 
I have come over rather tearful and emotional just now and on reading such caring and lovely replies and all so promptly after my posting here just now.
My friend mentioned she is going to try the 'cold cap treatment' so hopefully it will stop her hair loss or at least the loss of it all she hopes.
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dbverycherry
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lizalou
member
Reged: 01/02/2008
Posts: 441
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Sadly, I was in your position a few years ago, I really didnt know what to do and could have done with books or info as written by the sufferer.
All I could do was concentrate on offering practical help whenever I could When my BF was in hospital, I sent a card or notelet every day. But it was so difficult to find the right thing to do or say.
A couple of mutual friends and I used to discuss things together then take it in turn to keep up a sort of support system,and their support was vital for me.
But there is no easy answer.
Love to you and your friend.
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Sallykins
member
Reged: 10/04/2007
Posts: 2219
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Debbie
I haven't any direct experience of this but all I can say is you are an extremely caring and loving lady... that comes across in all your posts. Just do what comes natural to you and i know it will be the right course of action!!! I will say a prayer for your friend and send you lots of stregthening hugs x x x x
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Sally x x
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scarlett
member
Reged: 04/09/2007
Posts: 571
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dbverycherry, how awful for her and for you. I would just let her know that I was there for her any time she needed me, and to let you know at any time if she wanted or needed anything then you would be there. Yes do send a note and some flowers just make her feel that she is not alone whilst going through this. thinking of you both, Denzy x
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 3519
Loc: Kent UK
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Thanks Sally you are a sweetie and so kind.
I just hate the feeling of being helpless and not knowing what best to do for my friend and at such a difficult time in her life.
Just found a card which has the wording already on it and as one or two of you have suggested.
I am going now to post off in a minute or two.
I now things are difficult for you right at the moment ...
... I'm thinking of you
and inside it reads
and want you to know you
can alway rely on me for a
hug, or shoulder to cry on.
I'm there for you whenever
you need me.
Take care
Love and best wishes from Debbie
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dbverycherry
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Sallykins
member
Reged: 10/04/2007
Posts: 2219
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Debbie
That is perfect! As I said you will instinctively know the right thing to do and say... Your friend is lucky to have you!!!
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Sally x x
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PLASMO
member
Reged: 13/03/2008
Posts: 3954
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Debbie,
Just let her know that you care for her and give her the biggest hug. Im sure she knows that will always be there for her that is what real and true friends do.
Beejay, Im in the same position as you, had my routine mammogram last Friday, and it was a brand new digital scanner, so I hope all will be well, you cant help but worry though until that letter arrives through the door.
Plasmo x
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Duffy
member
Reged: 14/02/2008
Posts: 1300
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Hi Debbie...I am so sorry..every womans nightmare and happening to your dear friend...I think you do all those things you question whether you should do...you ring and write you let her know how much you are there for her...she is scared lonely trapped..and the last thing she needs is to feel all on her own...often is the case in sitations like this that people run...afraid of what to say..she is still your friend..and I would be yourself with her...no special treatment just carry on as you have been ,,there for her...xxx
I do hope she will be ok....x
My friend is waiting for results...??sarcoma...could have infiltrated muscle bone etc etc....we are both nurses...It has brought us closer and I ring her every day now....I think if it were me I to would want to know people were rooting for me...xx
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 3519
Loc: Kent UK
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Hi Lizalou and Denzy.
I think I will buy a living plant as she loves gardening. I can always plant it out for her, her hubby will water it.
I know that one in ten of us will have, some type of cancer, and at some point in our lives but one never expects it to be us or a close friend that it effects. This news has left me feeling so helpless and utterly unprepared for such news.
dbverycherry
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OzzieKez
member
Reged: 21/06/2008
Posts: 1897
Loc: Queensland, Australia
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Attempting to PM you!
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 3519
Loc: Kent UK
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Plasmo and Duffy.
I have tried to express to to my friend that I will be there for her what ever and when ever.
I truly feel it is one of all our worst nightmares and i feel am helpless in as much as what to do and what will be best way to help for her. She has a son in his 20s who needs special physical help and care and I know she will struggle as she is his primary carer and has always been. My friend's OH's work have been good and are allowing him time off but it is still a huge strain on the family.
My dad suffered with cancer that had spread to the lymph glands. He was ill in hospital for three weeks. I was totally worn out and exhausted at the end as were all the close family and including my poor dear dad.
I do pray I will cope and be there for my best friend.
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Suee
member
Reged: 21/01/2008
Posts: 1398
Loc: Switzerland
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Hi Debbie, sorry to hear your news.Im sure with a friend like you she will have the best support.As others have said your posts are always caring,Im sure being just you,as you always are,is all that she needs.I would certainly be pleased to have a friend like you.I think telling her ,how you told us,about how you feel and being there at any time for her,is a good start.All the best for your friend,and you of course, Suee xxx
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___________________
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 3519
Loc: Kent UK
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Thanks Suee. I knew I could count on you lot to help out and give such good and caring advice.
Also a BIG and sincere thank you for all those hugs so far and to those who have taken the trouble to PM me, you know who you are
dbverycherry
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BEL
member
Reged: 21/02/2008
Posts: 1144
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Debbie, so sorry to hear about your friend. The words were
just right from a true friend, and what a lovely idea a plant for her garden. Bel xx
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susang
member
Reged: 10/08/2006
Posts: 610
Loc: Milton Keynes, Bucks
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Sorry to hear about your friend Debbie.
I think the thing with this is why we find it hard to deal with is the fact that it could happen to any of us at any time, and its scary.
I think as long as you are there for your friend thats all you can do.
If it were me that was ill i would want my friends to treat me as normal and not make to much fuss about it and not be miserable for me, that would make me feel worse.
Just carry on being the good friend you are,
I wish your friend the very best for the future.
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Fuschia
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 1054
Loc: US
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Hi Debbie - I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. I think if it was me I would make sure I stay in touch with her, as much as you are able to with your own circumstances. Whether it's a phone call just telling her that you care, or a card, or an offer of pracical help with whatever she needs. I think so many people back off when they hear bad news and it's hard for the person who's suffering when people suddenly disappear. You obviously care very much for your friend and I'm sure that your caring will shine through whatever you decide to do.
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duckegg
member
Reged: 26/02/2007
Posts: 1063
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Hi debbie
Sorry to hear the news about your friend - definitely stay in contact with her - little and often would be my advice. Perhaps pop round with a card and a pretty bunch of flowers now so that you can tell her once again that anything you can do to help you will - then make contact again when she's out of hospital.
In my experience people are often inundated with offers of help when they're first diagnosed, but what they really want, although they don't like asking for it, is help and a bit of tlc as treatment progresses. It depends on what sort of support she has at home and how she reacts to the chemotherapy, but I'm sure a bit of company would be appreciated from time to time - or when she feels like it a short trip out somewhere where she's not likely to pick up an infection. Even if you only pick her up in the car and take her back to yours for an hour or so it's a change of scene and a break in the day. If she doesn't feel well enough to go out perhps you could think of something like a nice CD or DVD that she might enjoy at home whilst she's resting.
She may have a family to feed and not feel like cooking - you could perhaps take her a casserole or an apple pie that you've made that she could put in the freezer.
Not long ago Lindsay Nicholson, the former editor of Good Housekeeping did a weekly blog whilst she was being treated for breast cancer which gave some pointers towards what types of help were most useful - it seems to have disappeared into cyber space's black hole but your searching skills might be better than mine. If you can find it, it's worth a read.
If radiotherapy is part of her treatment plan - this usually requires daily visits to the hospital and it may be that your friend would be glad of someone to drive her there or just keep her company whilst she's waiting.
As others have said - you're such a caring person anyway that you'll instinctively know what you can do for your friend.
Hope all goes well for her.
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Chickadee
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 3322
Loc: South Wales
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Hi Dbvc
I have only just seen your post as I was out yesterday. I think everyone else has said lots of helpful things, so I'll just say I'm thinking about you and and your friend, and her family, and will remember you all in my prayers.will remember
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Bluebell35
member
Reged: 25/03/2008
Posts: 407
Loc: Kent
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Hi Debbie
Im sorry to read about your friend.
I wanted to just tell you about my sister who is going through a similar situation. Her best friend of many years has breast cancer and is having treatment. I had a long chat with my sister on the phone yesterday, because she is feeling so helpless about the situation. She told me there is nothing she can do to cure her friends illness but instead she is offering practical help, which her friend has accepted. My sister looks after her kids when her friend has to go to a hospital appointment. The kids are young so this is a huge help and relief for her friend.
If it was me who was ill, I would hope that my friends did call me or pop round. Even just to say hello or give me a hug, or help put the world to rights.
Anyway, I hope things will be okay. Be strong for your friend.
Love Bluebell35xx
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 3519
Loc: Kent UK
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Hello Dear Ducky
I do appreciate all the ideas and suggestions from everyone. Even if you think I am able to cope and understand me a little from my few postings on the forums over the months and year I still feel so useless and at a loss as to what is best to do to help my friend.
So all your help and advice and kind thoughts are very welcome.
I had a restless night last night and could only think of how my poor friend and her family must be feeling.
I did post that card off last night and today I have free so I will go and look for a small gift, not sure what yet. Think I will pop it round to her and before her treatment starts Friday.
My brave friend mentioned she is at the moment feeling well and not in pain now and hopes to go to the RHS Hampton Court Place Flower Show today as she is a member since joining last summer when we and her OH visited one of the flower shows held in the RHS halls in Westminster.
I know she will love her day out at HCPFS as I went there last year with my mum as my treat for her birthday and along with my daughter and another close friend.   
Thinking about it I go up and will get printed out some of the best photos for our trip to the RHS London Show that day last year as so far I haven't got around to it. I only emailed them a few of these photos at the time. Thats reminds me I think I have a small album tucked away that will be suitable.
I guess what many of you are all saying, some of you that have meet me and know me well from my postings on these W&H forums, is to just go with my natural instinct.
Having the courage and confidence to do this to is another thing entirely and there I do stop and think long and hard before I take the next step.
I knew you would all get your thinking caps on and help me out so thank you all so much. I will be sure to pass all your best wishes and your helpful suggestions on to my dear friend.
Your future support and advice will be more than welcome so please stay in touch.
Yours sincerely Debbie - dbverycherry 
   
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dbverycherry
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1265
Loc: Somerset
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