BEL
member
Reged: 21/02/2008
Posts: 2480
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Debbie, so sorry to hear about your friend. The words were
just right from a true friend, and what a lovely idea a plant for her garden. Bel xx
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susang
member
Reged: 10/08/2006
Posts: 623
Loc: Milton Keynes, Bucks
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Sorry to hear about your friend Debbie.
I think the thing with this is why we find it hard to deal with is the fact that it could happen to any of us at any time, and its scary.
I think as long as you are there for your friend thats all you can do.
If it were me that was ill i would want my friends to treat me as normal and not make to much fuss about it and not be miserable for me, that would make me feel worse.
Just carry on being the good friend you are,
I wish your friend the very best for the future.
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Fuschia
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 1255
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Hi Debbie - I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. I think if it was me I would make sure I stay in touch with her, as much as you are able to with your own circumstances. Whether it's a phone call just telling her that you care, or a card, or an offer of pracical help with whatever she needs. I think so many people back off when they hear bad news and it's hard for the person who's suffering when people suddenly disappear. You obviously care very much for your friend and I'm sure that your caring will shine through whatever you decide to do.
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duckegg
member
Reged: 26/02/2007
Posts: 1323
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Hi debbie
Sorry to hear the news about your friend - definitely stay in contact with her - little and often would be my advice. Perhaps pop round with a card and a pretty bunch of flowers now so that you can tell her once again that anything you can do to help you will - then make contact again when she's out of hospital.
In my experience people are often inundated with offers of help when they're first diagnosed, but what they really want, although they don't like asking for it, is help and a bit of tlc as treatment progresses. It depends on what sort of support she has at home and how she reacts to the chemotherapy, but I'm sure a bit of company would be appreciated from time to time - or when she feels like it a short trip out somewhere where she's not likely to pick up an infection. Even if you only pick her up in the car and take her back to yours for an hour or so it's a change of scene and a break in the day. If she doesn't feel well enough to go out perhps you could think of something like a nice CD or DVD that she might enjoy at home whilst she's resting.
She may have a family to feed and not feel like cooking - you could perhaps take her a casserole or an apple pie that you've made that she could put in the freezer.
Not long ago Lindsay Nicholson, the former editor of Good Housekeeping did a weekly blog whilst she was being treated for breast cancer which gave some pointers towards what types of help were most useful - it seems to have disappeared into cyber space's black hole but your searching skills might be better than mine. If you can find it, it's worth a read.
If radiotherapy is part of her treatment plan - this usually requires daily visits to the hospital and it may be that your friend would be glad of someone to drive her there or just keep her company whilst she's waiting.
As others have said - you're such a caring person anyway that you'll instinctively know what you can do for your friend.
Hope all goes well for her.
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Chickadee
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 4028
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Hi Dbvc
I have only just seen your post as I was out yesterday. I think everyone else has said lots of helpful things, so I'll just say I'm thinking about you and and your friend, and her family, and will remember you all in my prayers.will remember
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Bluebell35
member
Reged: 25/03/2008
Posts: 470
Loc: Kent
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Hi Debbie
Im sorry to read about your friend.
I wanted to just tell you about my sister who is going through a similar situation. Her best friend of many years has breast cancer and is having treatment. I had a long chat with my sister on the phone yesterday, because she is feeling so helpless about the situation. She told me there is nothing she can do to cure her friends illness but instead she is offering practical help, which her friend has accepted. My sister looks after her kids when her friend has to go to a hospital appointment. The kids are young so this is a huge help and relief for her friend.
If it was me who was ill, I would hope that my friends did call me or pop round. Even just to say hello or give me a hug, or help put the world to rights.
Anyway, I hope things will be okay. Be strong for your friend.
Love Bluebell35xx
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6509
Loc: Kent UK
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Hello Dear Ducky
I do appreciate all the ideas and suggestions from everyone. Even if you think I am able to cope and understand me a little from my few postings on the forums over the months and year  I still feel so useless and at a loss as to what is best to do to help my friend.
So all your help and advice and kind thoughts are very welcome.
I had a restless night last night and could only think of how my poor friend and her family must be feeling.
I did post that card off last night and today I have free so I will go and look for a small gift, not sure what yet. Think I will pop it round to her and before her treatment starts Friday.
My brave friend mentioned she is at the moment feeling well and not in pain now and hopes to go to the RHS Hampton Court Place Flower Show today as she is a member since joining last summer when we and her OH visited one of the flower shows held in the RHS halls in Westminster.
I know she will love her day out at HCPFS as I went there last year with my mum as my treat for her birthday and along with my daughter and another close friend.   
Thinking about it I go up and will get printed out some of the best photos for our trip to the RHS London Show that day last year as so far I haven't got around to it. I only emailed them a few of these photos at the time. Thats reminds me I think I have a small album tucked away that will be suitable.
I guess what many of you are all saying, some of you that have meet me and know me well from my postings on these W&H forums, is to just go with my natural instinct.
Having the courage and confidence to do this to is another thing entirely and there I do stop and think long and hard before I take the next step.
I knew you would all get your thinking caps on and help me out so thank you all so much. I will be sure to pass all your best wishes and your helpful suggestions on to my dear friend.
Your future support and advice will be more than welcome so please stay in touch.
Yours sincerely Debbie - dbverycherry 
   
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dbverycherry
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
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Just be yourself and remember that your friend is still the same person she's always been. I'm sure you'll get it absolutely right.
When my mum was ill (oseophagus cancer that was only slowed by chemo and an op) she said that some of her visitors acted as though she was mentally ill not physically ill and were so different from their normal selves she decided she couldn't cope with their visits. I think they just didn't know what to say and were trying to avoid the C-word (also I suppose we all have the feeling that "that could be me!"). I know everyone's different but she just wanted to be treated normally by her visitors so that for a few minutes she could forget her illness and be herself.
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3746
Loc: London
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Hi Debbie. Around 5 years ago a friend of mine (I have known her since we were both 16 but we kept contact only with Christmas cards over the last few years) rang me to say she had a brain tumour. We had a long chat and I asked her what I could do. She of course said there was nothing, she just wanted to talk. I visited her in hospital before and after her operation, I then visited her in rehabilitation and when she finally went home I went to see her every Tuesday. This was up to 2 hours' drive for me but it became a fixture and we both looked forward to it. As soon as she was well enough I would take her for lunch to one of her local pubs and then home again. The other thing we started was a £2 fund. Every Friday we would each put £2 in a piggy bank at home. The idea was that at the end of the year we would each have £100 to spend on a slap-up dinner, or on some useless frippery. That gave her something fun to look forward to in the future. We both benefited from the contact and happily my friend is still around, still positive although not completely well.
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marymary
member
Reged: 16/05/2007
Posts: 789
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Debbie, I haven't been in your position but I've always remembered one really helpful thing a friend did for me years ago, when my daughter was in hospital - it might be something that would help your friend later, if she's feeling grim from the chemo. Whereas most people tend to make the blanket "let me know if I can help" offer (which can sometimes be so vague it's hard to take up), this friend of mine made her offer much more specific by saying, "what can I do to help?", or "tell me one thing I could do to help". By saying it in that way, she made it very easy to accept her help.
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6509
Loc: Kent UK
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Issi what a supper idea the £2 fund. I am sure my friend and I will use it. The £2 fund as with other ideas suggested here will inspire others as well I am sure.
It is sad, shocking and a shame that 1 in 9 of us ladies will have breast cancer and at some point in our lives. Still at the very least we all can come and share on here and to get and give advice.
So many have done this here for me and my friend I am sure it will translate for others who find themselves in similar situations. 
I have been shopping for my friend and I stuck to my 3 Golden Rules or DB's DEW's Rule when buying presents.
I always try to included in a present/goodie bag these three key items, be it for male or female, child or adult.
I never get any complaints as there is bound to be at least one thing that they like if not from all three 
1. Sommething to Do
2. Something to Eat
3. Something to Wear
So today I got my friend
To Do
A relaxing bath pillow which has the words on it Stress Free Zone
Set of matching votives filled with sandalwood scented candles.
A womans magazine hand bag sized - Kylie Minogue on the front cover.
A desk journal covered with prints of British flowering plants.
A novel which said on the back cover it is 'Pure feel-good escapism.Perfect'
To Eat
A small bar of her favorite M&S marzipan chocolate
Two small packets of Herbal tea Renew and Serenity
Manuka Active 5+ Honey
Yogurt Coated raisins
To Wear
An small item of dress jewelery
Small cube potted white Gerbera flowering plant to dress her home with.
Phew that little lot took me over an hour to shop for but I think it is easily worth it for my friend. I'm sure I hit upon a few ideal things that she will love.
In the past she has done similar for me so it nice to be able to do this now for her.
Text her this morning wishing her lovely day out and said to treat herself to a plant at the HCP Flower Show and on me.
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dbverycherry
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expatK
member
Reged: 18/01/2008
Posts: 1229
Loc: Frankfurt,Germany
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Debbie, that just couldn't be more perfect.... you are really such a lovely and caring person-that shines through on this forum.....
Just be yourself,I'm sure thats all your friend would ever ask for...
God Bless x
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6509
Loc: Kent UK
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Hi there expatK.
Your to kind expatK.
Far from perfect believe me but I do try or as my OH says 'can be very trying!'
I do try to give 100% effort in life and with friends. I of course do not obtain to the 100% most of the time but I try. So as to not end up regretting things long term.
'There by the grace of God go I'
I feel this more now and in my friends case so I do as I would wish would be done for me. I know this sounds a bit cozy and possible twee to some but it is true for me and how I try to live my life.
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Vicky123
member
Reged: 22/02/2008
Posts: 2510
Loc: Essex
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Hi Debbie. I think so far the advice you have been given is super and the shopping trip - well such a fantastic idea. I would only add one more thing and that is, if you feel you can cope with it, tell her that you can be her buffer. Tell her that she can tell you exactly how she is feeling, no beating about the bush, whether it be physical or emotional. If you feel you can take it, she may well be grateful that someone will listen to her and she can un-burden herself. Its a big call for you because it may drain you, but it could be a gift which no-one else can give. Good Luck Debbie, you are being a true friend and I take my hat off to you.
All the best
V
xx
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6509
Loc: Kent UK
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Hi there Bluebell, ChristinaB , Mary Mary and Vicky.
Thanks you all for your replies. Sorry I haven't got around to acknowledging them earlier.
My friend and I are, I feel, are ourselves in each others company and we do talk openly about almost anything and everything and as women tend to do and a fair bit of the time.
We did this even when she phoned yesterday evening. She was open, up front and honest at feeling low, shitty and spoke plainly with me. I in turn tried to be me and the same back. Not shitty but just understanding and if I couldn't understand how she was feeling I said so.
On reading your many views I do agree with many of you who have said the that the worst thing one could do is not to have contact and avoid the person who is in need.
I will be taking her her gifts along to her home and before her hospital appointment on Friday. I don't intend on staying but I will see how she feels and if I am invited in and go with the flow.
Talking of hats Vicky, thanks for that comment, I think us women wear many hats so to speak and we are always juggling.
Men, I tend to find ,don't do so well in such situations and when friends are ill.
Saying this my OH and his work mate have today gone to visit a work colleague who has throat cancer and is in hospital. It appears he is at at the last and painful stages of it.
I have meet both of OH's work mates when they have come back to our home for breakfast before going to France on business trips.
I am sure his friend will be psychically drained and sad after seeing his work mates like that but I hope they all take heart in the fact that they have seen each other and made the effort to chat and that his mates were there for him......
OH just phoned me to say they,OH and his work mate, have been to see him and things are not looking good but they chatted a bit and got a laugh or two from their work mate.
They had to take the train from Heathrow to the London hospital. I for one am pleased they made the effort and spent the time and money in seeing their colleague.
I personally think this is a difficult but a good positive thing for a chap to do for his mate who is in such a ill and bad way. I said to my OH, before he left early this morning, just try and think what you would want if it was you in hospital and so ill.
Life to me seems so unfair and cruel at times but one has to focus on the positive and not the negative or it will drag you down.
  
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OzzieKez
member
Reged: 21/06/2008
Posts: 2759
Loc: Queensland, Australia
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Gosh you are special Deb! When your friend is feeling a little better you could have a Body Shop party for her. The idea is to pamper her; close friends, tempting food etc. Body Shop also does makeup and skin care for people on chemo.
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6509
Loc: Kent UK
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 Thanks for that 'info on chemo' make up from Body Shop Ozzie, I hope they stock it here.
I went into the H&B health food store yesterday and even though they are not allowed to recommend things for such as cancer the lady did suggests and pointed me in the right direction. I got some multi vitamins, a tablet complex treatment for nail, hair & skin and some herbal tea.
Evening Primrose was also suggested to me
dbverycherry
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sunflower39
member
Reged: 13/01/2008
Posts: 324
Loc: warwickshire
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Hi Debbie...it sounds like you're doing all the right things. There are 2 things that I can mention...
I went through this a couple of years ago with one of my best friends. After she had lost her hair, but was feeling ok in herself...we, and another friend, went shopping. For hats!! We went in shops like M & S and Debenhams and tried on all the 'posh' wedding hats!! We had a ball, and laughed so much. One of the assistants even came over to us, and said how much they had all enjoyed watching us, and that they could see what a fantastic time we were having!
These sort of times became very important later on when she got very ill. Thats where the 2nd thing happened. I used to visit her every other day in the hospice. I would make it my job to crack jokes, and try to jolly her along. Until one day she made a comment about dying. I started to get upset and jokingly said "now don't start that, I'll cry and I'm not here to cry!"...she looked at me and said "but sometimes I just want us to have a cry together"...
That hit me hard...I was joking around because thats the way I deal with things I find difficult. Sometimes you just have to be there for a good cry.
Sorry to go on Debbie...made myself cry remembering all that!
Hope your friend goes from strength to strength...hugs to you both xxx
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Rowena2309
member
Reged: 02/01/2008
Posts: 54
Loc: Swindon, Wiltshire
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Get a copy of What Can I do to Help? by Deborah Hutton. This book is great for telling you what you can do to help someone. Deborah Hutton was diagnosed with cancer and wrote this book when she realised that people wanted to help but didn't know what to offer. Invaluable reading.
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6509
Loc: Kent UK
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 Dear Snowdrop a big [][][]Hugs to you from me sweet heart.
I am so sorry to hear of your dear friend. Your story has brought tears to my eyes reading your reply to my post here. I had my dad say almost the same to me when he had just come out of a very bad session treatment. I had been putting a very brave and jolly face on things and all he wanted was someone to be up front and honest with him and yes have a moan and dare I say a cry. It was is hard to see a grown man cry and specially ones dear dad aged only 53.
I was the one my dad asked to go and sit with him and take notes when the consultants came around to give him the news. The news turned out the worst, ( both of us deep down knew this)it was that there was nothing more they could do for him and that the treatment was going to be stopped and just diamorphine and a drip to replace it them!! I cried my heart out on the way home that evening and had to pull over and two kind and caring friends come and collected me, one driving my car home.
Back to my friend. She called me tonight just as I was getting tea started. My daughetr passed the call over and I turned off the gas and went upstairs and had a good half hour chat about gardens, wet weather and touched on the Big C. I asked if I could visit and she said 'yes of course and great I would love it'. While chatting she said she had opened my card that she had only just got as she had been out most of the day typical of RM!
Phew I think others here have mentioned that often just doing what you think best works and to act normally.
I never before gave much and often no notice before popping over and she to me. So what I am saying is I guess I should have just gone wand how I normally and followed my instinct.
I made the offer I had made before again and very clearly and this time she said I will be the one she will call on later and if need be and when her OH has gone back to work.
At times like this one finds out how much we care for our dear friends and that the thought of life without them brings tears to ones eyes. I can hardly see this now as i type this. I just pray I can be of any little help and support to my friend and be there to cheer each other up and even cry with each other and if need be.
What Can I do to Help? by Deborah Hutton That book sounds ideal and made for the likes of me. Thanks Rowena2309 for that. I will check out amazon for it and asap 
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dbverycherry
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