kaye23
member
Reged: 01/05/2008
Posts: 7
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My partner left me last year after having an affair, some 15 months later is he still with this woman. He is now wanting to introduce the children to her. I still feel so much hurt and pain towards her and the last thing I want is for my children to have contact with her. The childern are still quite young. Is it right to tell them, why I feel so against this meeting. The thought of them spending any time with her is too upsetting for words. I'm really torn, I don't want to cause my children anymore pain and suffering, but how will I cope when all my feelings are still so raw. I've tried talking to my ex, but he isn't interested.
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Denzy
member
Reged: 04/09/2007
Posts: 472
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Hi Kaye23, I do not have any experience in this situation so possibly not the best person to give advice but I do know that if you are not ready for this then don't let it happen, you are still hurt and upset and until that goes away you just cannot move on in that direction. Let them see their father on his own, but if your not happy to let them spend time with him and his floozie then don't do it. I'm sure you are going to get some much better advice, but dont do anything that is going to cause you more pain. Take care, Denzy x
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 2336
Loc: Surrey
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Hi Kaye. I haven't been there but I know someone for whom that kind of pain stayed with her for years and years. If your ex is staying with this woman long term then it seems inevitable that your children will be spending time with them both. You don't say how young they are. I feel for you. I know anyone would feel exactly as you do. I suppose the most important thing is to do the right thing for your children so it is really all about WHEN they start visiting them as a couple. If you are not ready (and will you ever feel as if you are) then stall until you can get some help from people who have been there, who I am sure will be sending you their wisdom on this forum. x
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nowcemsi
member
Reged: 24/06/2008
Posts: 78
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My partner deserted us when my daughter was 4, inevitably he moved in with THING and inevitably the access visits involved little one meeting THING. It hurt me, ...........
Now 25 years later little one, doesnt like him or THING and has worked it out
I know this is a short reply, go with it....... dont bad mouth your ex or her; in time things will work out okay
hide your jealousy and resentment.
Another warning is if and when they do meet him and her they may "play up" by being naughty, just roll with it
anyways Im here if you want someone to talk to xx
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BeauSoleil
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Reged: 26/03/2008
Posts: 562
Loc: France
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I think I'd do as nowcemsi suggests. Don't bad mouth her or the situation but you could just tell it like it is. 'Daddy decided he would rather spend time with the other lady than Mummy which is why he left and that's why Mummy doesn't really like the other lady'. The children will make their own minds up eventually but you don't have to pretend to like her just explain in whatever age appropriate way why you aren't happy with her or him.
Best of luck!!
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 783
Loc: Somerset
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I've never been in this situation but have seen friends go through it and all have found it very difficult to start with and each has dealt with it differently. To be honest the one whose children seemed least affected is the one who bit her lip and agreed that her children could see the new lady and has never bad-mouthed her in any way or implied she didn't like the new lady (the children didn't play up as there was nothing in their M's reactions to give them the impression that there was anything unusual about the situation and they were allowed to form their own opinion) although that doesn't mean it was easy for her. The one who called the new lady all the names under the sun and made it clear to the children that she didn't like her had a far harder journey (I guess because children always know which buttons to push to get a reaction).
I hate to say it but after 15 months I think you need to accept that she's a permanent fixture and that your ex has a right to involve her in every aspect of his life. I think you're lucky that he has told you first but do appreciate how difficult it must be for you. I think your best approach would be to ok the meeting and not let him know how upset you feel. That way he can't complain about you in front of the children or his lady and you'll have the upper hand.
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Librian_Chick
member
Reged: 21/02/2008
Posts: 253
Loc: Scotland
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Kaye, this must be so sad for you, of course you feel hurt, it will always be there.
I have seen this before within my family. One of my eldest sisters was very good about it, she never said a wrong word about the "other woman" or her ex husband, she even encouraged her son to spend time with them, it used to grate on the "other woman" no end. They never stayed together, they split up about 10 years later when he went off with their next door neighbour! The son and father don't see each other, he saw him for what he was a lying cheating coward!
Just remember that the children realise that you are both their parents and you won't stop loving them and that you and daddy just fell out of love (okay, you didn't by choice, but you will one day).... you just need to make sure that the kids know the difference between "husband and wife" and "parents".
Good luck, and don't let your bitterness affect your children!
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Aka - Boobie Bubble Brain
A bad attitude is like a flat tyre: you are not going to get anywhere in life until you change it.
If you always do the things you've always done, you'll only get what you've always got!
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wisp1
member
Reged: 14/09/2007
Posts: 103
Loc: Derbyshire
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My children were 3 and 6 when their father left to live with another woman. I refused to let them visit her but he took them anyway and told them not to tell me. As soon as they came home they told me and we had the most awful argument about it. Eventually they did meet her and they went for days out with her but never liked her and even told him that they did not want to see her.
On one occassion he took the children on holiday for a week and arranged for her to join them two days later as a 'surprise' for the children. They were really upset as they had been looking forward to spending quality time with their father. What really upset me however was the fact that he left the two boys alone in their hotel room, in a strange place, at night while he took her out for a meal and a drink on several occasions. When I found out I stopped him seeing the boys for a few months, they were happier and he didnt seeem bothered. He continued to let the boys down, if she wanted to go out they were told he couldnt see them that weekend and eventually the visits stopped completely.
He stayed in touch very infrequently until they were grown up and even now only gets in contact when he wants their help to do work around his house.
I wouldnt worry too much, do what is best for you and the children, they will make their own minds up about her and there is no way she will ever take your place in their lives,in fact you will become much closer to them as you are their only resident parent and will share every aspect of their lives. My two sons are grown up now but we are still very close and they are still very protective and caring of me.
It is very difficult at the time but things will work out, tell the children the truth about the situation so they are not confused or worried about what is happening. A lot of their friends will be in the same situation and this will help them to cope.
Good luck
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nowcemsi
member
Reged: 24/06/2008
Posts: 78
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Quote:
My children were 3 and 6 when their father left to live with another woman. I refused to let them visit her but he took them anyway and told them not to tell me. As soon as they came home they told me and we had the most awful argument about it. Eventually they did meet her and they went for days out with her but never liked her and even told him that they did not want to see her.
On one occassion he took the children on holiday for a week and arranged for her to join them two days later as a 'surprise' for the children. They were really upset as they had been looking forward to spending quality time with their father. What really upset me however was the fact that he left the two boys alone in their hotel room, in a strange place, at night while he took her out for a meal and a drink on several occasions. When I found out I stopped him seeing the boys for a few months, they were happier and he didnt seeem bothered. He continued to let the boys down, if she wanted to go out they were told he couldnt see them that weekend and eventually the visits stopped completely.
He stayed in touch very infrequently until they were grown up and even now only gets in contact when he wants their help to do work around his house.
I wouldnt worry too much, do what is best for you and the children, they will make their own minds up about her and there is no way she will ever take your place in their lives,in fact you will become much closer to them as you are their only resident parent and will share every aspect of their lives. My two sons are grown up now but we are still very close and they are still very protective and caring of me.
It is very difficult at the time but things will work out, tell the children the truth about the situation so they are not confused or worried about what is happening. A lot of their friends will be in the same situation and this will help them to cope.
Good luck
Where we married once to the same man? 
One thing I forgot to mention, is that we (in these situations) carry on breaking our own hearts unfortunately because its darned difficult to fall out of love even though the missing party has.
Daddy doesnt love us anymore: was the main phrase used in this house
until one day I said, daddy loves you but mummy and daddy no longer love each other but we will always be friends
(such a liar I was LOL) but it works
After 25 years, my daughter sought him out, because he lost interest in her after a year of access visits (they usually do) and she found him to be a sad, humourless man
Thigns will be okay.......... 
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PatsyW
member
Reged: 28/12/2007
Posts: 971
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This is a tough one Kaye because you need to separate your feelings as a Mum from those of a wife. Share the responsbility of the chldren, see what kind of a Dad he really is. He may turn out to be wonderful, he may (which is often the case) turn out to be a big let down. Let him see the children, regardless of her being there, she needs to know what life with him entails. In fact, encourage it. When you start to get over him (yes you will!) you will need time for you.
What the other ladies have said is true, the children will make up their own minds - and they will remember what a wonderful loving Mum they have, who let them do so.
Hugs for you, it is hard.
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expatK
member
Reged: 18/01/2008
Posts: 880
Loc: Frankfurt,Germany
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I have no personal experience of this, although my sister had a similar situation, so that, plus my gut feeling is that you should let them see her. You've been given some wise advice, I think- I totally agree about trying to separate your feelings as a mum from those as a wife.
The girlfriend is obviously around for the long term, and of course he will always be their father, so I think you will have to bite your lip and go along with it. Whatever you do don't badmouth them to the children- they (the children)will thank you for that in the long run.
I know this is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, as well as coping with the hurt, it must be almost unbearable. But, dig deep and do your utmost- trust that your children will see things how they really are when they are older, and form their own opinions.
Be strong. I send you a big hug, and lots of courage x
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Vicky123
member
Reged: 22/02/2008
Posts: 1692
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I would add to this thread from a different perspective and not sure if it will be helpful.
I had no contact with my dad for many years after he left my mum. I am one of six and we were all under 13 when he left. Its a long story but I did contact him many years later (about which he was over the moon) and got to know the man he was, and my step-mother who I blamed for the break-up was indeed a very nice lady and still is.
I was quite angry that Mum had turned us against him because he was still our dad, but I am happy to say that all six of us, in adulthood, got to know him. Mum never bad-mouthed him to us, but her devastation was raw for years and she was the world to us, so we stayed on her "side". If I could turn the clock back, I would have wanted him in my life through my teens, giving me away at my wedding, being part of my family, but it wasnt possible because I wouldnt have upset Mum for anything.
I know its early days, but as expat says she will no doubt become part of their lives and if you alienate your children against her, it will impact on their relationship with their dad, and they dont deserve to lose him from their lives.
My dad died last year and I am so very grateful that I got to know him, and myself and all my brothers and sisters were by his bedside when he died.
Be strong, hold your head up, and rise above it. The first few times will be difficult but it will get easier and you may be able to use the time alone to get your own life back on track.
I wish you lots of luck. Keep us posted on how it goes.
Vicky xx
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debenjane
member
Reged: 11/01/2008
Posts: 549
Loc: suffolk
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Have sent you a PM.
Good luck.
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valaber
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 2266
Loc: South Wales
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Kaye23, I found it very hard when my ex remarried and wanted my d. to spend time with him and his new wife, but I put up with it, was careful not to criticise and in fact tried to get my d. to tolereate the "new woman" in his life. I discovered there was a sort of bonus - I actually got some time to myself, and once I got over the initial strangeness of it, it was quite nice to give myself a little bit of personal time.
You've been given lots of good advice - I would let the children go to their father's, and when they do, take that time for yourself - relax, give yourself whatever treat your budget will run to - a peaceful afternoon witha magazine, or some new nail polish or a massage, or time spent having coffee with a friend.
Your children will make their own judgements about your ex and his girlfriend.
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Nisgal
member
Reged: 10/06/2008
Posts: 15
Loc: Worcestershire
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Doing something for the first time always feels strange, a bit uncomfortable. Allow the children to visit their Dad, they need him. Bringing children into the relationship will only complicate things for him dont for a minute think that everything in the garden will be rosey when they visit him. Also use the time the children are with him to have some ME time - pamper yourself.
This cloud might just have a hidden silver lining!
Good luck xx
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anner06
member
Reged: 18/03/2008
Posts: 223
Loc: Northamptonshire
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Hi Kaye. My husband left 17 months ago, so similar time to you. My children do see their dads girlfriend, but it took time as my son refused at first. He was 13 at the time so old enough to know what was happening and would not go in the house if she was there. Ironically, it was me who persuaded him - told him that he was making out that she was important. He finally agreed, but even now they do not get on/like each other. Being a teenager (nearly 15) he just grunts at her - like a Kevin.
I know how you must be feeling. I don't think she is worthy of spending time with my kids, but they do need to see their dad, and whether I like it or not, she comes as part of the package.
PM me if you want a chat,
Take care
Anne
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OzzieKez
member
Reged: 21/06/2008
Posts: 612
Loc: Queensland, Australia
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I always think honesty is the best policy. My son was 18months when my ex left. The ex was reluctant to take Mitch for visits at the time because he took too much looking after. The excuses kept coming. At one point when Mitch was about 6, he thought that 3 months or so was a "fortnight" because his dad (& I use the term loosely) told him that he would see him 'in a fortnight.' As Mitch hit teenage years and our family needed a break from him because some of his behaviour was unbelievable, I begged for help or input from my ex. It never came. Our family loves Mitch and there will always be a place for him in our home but he has cut himself off from us. I wonder if its because it was done to him!
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 783
Loc: Somerset
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One thing I thought of last night... I've got three male friends who split from the mothers of their children when the children were very young (none of them left for someone else, in fact two of the mothers left for men they hardly knew leaving children behind). All have been as involved as possible in their children's lives and have worked hard to communicate with their ex. The ones whose OH's left for other men felt the way those of you who've been in that situation say you feel but did everything they could to make sure the children never saw any arguements or unpleasantness. The children are all growing up to be lovely people and seem to care equally for both parents. I know it can be done but it does seem to take a lot of self-sacrifice from both parents especially when a new OH appears on the scene.
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gigi
member
Reged: 12/04/2008
Posts: 1544
Loc: North East
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Kaye I've pm'd you. I would say though, don't play games or hide your feelings, the childen are in the middle of this, they will pick up on how you truly feel.
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Edited by gigi (04/07/2008 11:30)
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ajs67
member
Reged: 27/06/2008
Posts: 5
Loc: Midlands
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Hi, I know this would be difficult but in my experience if you pretend to be unbothered and indifferent about the whole situation and to the children seeing the other woman this will REALLY REALLY get to your ex and her! If things go well the kids will play up any way then your ex and her will have a massive argument and hey presto your 1 up and smiling. Keep your pride, chin up, keep smiling!!!
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