Alissjane
member
Reged: 26/06/2008
Posts: 1
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I have been married for almost 12 years and my husband is a lovely man. I am 39 and he is 56. But I no longer love him like I should, and I haven't done for some time - a few years I would say. We haven't had sex for 18 months and this has never been discussed - I have been sleeping on the sofa ostensibly because of his snoring. We can go for days bearly exchanging more than a few words, not because we have had a row (we don't do that) just because we have nothing to say to each other, I think. I have a 22 year old daughter from a previous relationship, to whom my husband has been a great Dad. But she left home last week to move in with her boyfriend and I miss her so much. I can see my lift stretching out in front of me with nothing changing and all I want to do is move out of our home and into a little flat and be on my own. I had my daughter when I was only 17 so I have never been 'grown up' and not had her to think about. Financially it is do-able, but how do I tell my husband without hurting him terribly? Or am I being selfish? Help!
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nowcemsi
member
Reged: 24/06/2008
Posts: 94
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I cant advise you to stay or leave...........
But your nest is empty, can you not find something in your life that is yours to give you power?
My husband and I went through a bad patch, bereavement money worries etc etc and I thought is this it then?
Speaking as someone who has been there I would say find something of your own.
You say he is a lovely man,,,,,,, why not go on holiday or for a long weekend with this lovely man?
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Vivis128
member
Reged: 26/06/2008
Posts: 1
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I used to feel a bit like that, having been married for 33 years - you've said everything you want to say, done everything etc. And then, he died. I soon found out how much I missed him - and still do, after nearly two years. I'd give anything to have him back just to say how much I really do love him, despite past grumpiness and bored moments.
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MonsterMand
member
Reged: 11/02/2007
Posts: 13
Loc: England
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Gosh this is a tricky one. You must do what you feel is right for you. You are still young and if you feel unhappy then you have to do what you have to do.
I did it. I broke free from a relationship that was unfulfiling. It wasn't easy but it was the best thing I ever did.
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jenny1
member
Reged: 30/08/2006
Posts: 121
Loc: Belfast
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Alissjane
After 22 yrs and 2 'children' - I left as it turned out- for 3 months last year.
The 'kids' 21/17 - who had encouraged me to do this over the years - refused to have anything to do with me- that really killed me.
OH and me talked a lot and resolved a lot of issues and are still together.
'getting out' I found , is not always the best solution, althoug at the time I thought it was.
As a post somewhere else said - the old adage ' the grass is always greener' is not true. A lot of people if they are honest will say that they love or care for their partner but are not 'in love' with them. Soulmates are a special thing.
Best wishes
Jenny
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 2755
Loc: Surrey
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Alissjane. Have you been reading the 'marriage guidance' thread started by needtoknow? It really puts a marriage in perspective. You mentioned your ages at the beginning of your post. Is this relevant? Do you feel your husband is getting old and you still have lots of life to live? Having had a child so young you sound as if you are going through a need to spread your wings now. Maybe counselling would help you to sort out your wants and fears. x
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bubelia
member
Reged: 17/06/2008
Posts: 3
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Perhaps it may be a good idea to go away by yourself for a week or two and see how you feel on your own - I've been here and after spending a few weeks on my own I realised I had moved on without realising it for a long time - it was the right thing for me but it was not an easy decision and wasn't without a lot of heartache all round. Only you know what is right for you so give yourself plenty of time and space to weigh it all up before you decide - good luck with it all.
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carolmac
member
Reged: 31/12/2007
Posts: 17
Loc: Giffnock area
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I have just left my husband after 29 years, because like you I realised that I no longer loved him and we were living seperate lives. I was lonely, bored and what's more had become boring. Sitting at home and letting life pass me by. Sex was a distant memory, largely due to my husband's habit of having several large brandies before coming to bed at night. We rarely did anything together unless I arranged it all. Suddenly I decided that at the age of 52, I had a lot of living still to do. I lost 3 and a half stone of weight caused by comfort eating at night when I was on my own, have joined a choir, women and home supper club, taken swimming lessons, started yoga and moved into a flat on my own. Sure I am lonely sometimes, but I was lonely in the relationship anyway. My husband has taken my decision badly and has so far refused to have any contact with me. I was hoping for a relationship on some level mainly for our daughters sake, who is getting married next year. I can only hope that with the passing of time, we can somehow at least be civil to one another, after all we were together such a long time. I believe there are many couples clinging to the wreckage of a relationship for a variety of reasons, and that's fine if they can bear it. I couldn't and left, because I believe that had I stayed, I would have ended up hating my husband and I didn't want that. I hope I have another relationship at some time, and hope that I have learned from my previous mistakes. It's very easy to take each other for granted in a long term marriage, and it needs a lot of effort to keep things fresh and interesting. Not sure if I have been of any help to you, but good luck with whatever you decide.
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kafferlilly
member
Reged: 26/04/2007
Posts: 191
Loc: NORTH WEST
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Carolmac....just wanted to reply to you really....I hope you don't think this condescending or patronising but I really do admire your courage and tenacity in taking control of your life like that.....
I suppose there is a LINE in any relationship were you say....enough......and know deep deep in your heart that your life would be better on your own...
I hope all goes well for you Alissjane.....it wont be easy trying to decide what to do for the best....it never is...but like I say you will know.
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KAFFERLILLY
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ajs67
member
Reged: 27/06/2008
Posts: 5
Loc: Midlands
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Hi, I joined the forum to ask members "How do you tell your husband you don't love him & wish to leave your marriage?" I know there are a lot of women who feel this and I thought this may be the best place to get unbiased answers or guidance. I do not love my husband and after falling in love properly with another man I realised I didnt love him as I should have when we married (17 years ago).I met my husband when i was only 14, married at 24, have run a business together & I think I've never had chance to experience life for me and not as his other half. I do not wish to embark on a new partnership with the man I'm having the affair with, altho I love him dearly. I want some independence. Its so hard to take control of your own life (at 41yrs) when you have 3 children (16/10/9) who ultimately may pay the price for my decisions. Its been interesting to read the differing opinions on the forum but its nice to see that no one preaches their beliefs to others. So if anyone would like to offer me some advice on breaking this to my husband I could really do with your help.
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rosettastone
member
Reged: 11/03/2008
Posts: 392
Loc: Kent/Surrey borders
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hmmm tricky one...I notice that this seems to have coincided with the empty nest syndrome and this has been brought to the fore by your offsrping leaving. You are suffering from loss and abandonment ....I don't know what the answer is , but you need to ask yourself whether you would miss your husband if he wasn't here.
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carpe diem - seize the day!
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1107
Loc: Somerset
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Tricky. The 'is this it?' feeling probably happens to all of us from time to time. It's how you deal with it that's important. The love we initially felt changes over time (nothing like the initial all-consuming lust that comes at a start of a relationship and a lot of people seem to mistake for love) and sometimes it is difficult to recognise that it's still there. Who is to say how you should love your OH? There is no 'government standard' with a tick list. If you're thinking of leaving be absolutely certain that it's really what you want to do because there will be no going back to what you have at the moment. Even if you change your mind and return home the relationship you had will have changed - the very lucky ones will find it changes for the better as problems are discussed and overcome but the majority may find it's not possible to contine (the hurt caused by telling someone you don't love them doesn't go away and regaining trust is very difficult). My advice would be not to rush into anything and do all you can to try to get back the relationship you want - sit down and talk things through but be gentle. You may find you want different things but you may also find a way forwards together.
Good luck.
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ajs67
member
Reged: 27/06/2008
Posts: 5
Loc: Midlands
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Thats a really good point you have made, there is no going back once you have told someone that you don't love them and therefore should not be embarked upon unless you can see it through. At 41 though I'm asking myself is it not fairer to him to allow him the chance to find someone who will appreciate him and love him in a way I can not. This is very tricky, thanks to anyone who has responded.
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KazA
member
Reged: 05/06/2008
Posts: 15
Loc: Leeds/ Near airport
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hI.
I left someone after 10 years at 30 and had a son of 5.
He was not a bad person but the relationship was dead.
A few years later I met my husband and we have been together 8 years. It has been hard but I have no regrets.
I know many single women and married women and there is no easy answer. But it will say to you is you do not get a second chance at life and if it is boredom that you are feeling because your husband is older or you feel you have missed out ? Then maybe these are not solid eneough reasons to pack it all in
You have to ask yourslef this as if you do go you will grieve for the relationship for sometime even if it is not good.
There are some good books in the book shops, have a read and then write a list of pro's and con's to splitting and think long and hard. Good luck.
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KazA
member
Reged: 05/06/2008
Posts: 15
Loc: Leeds/ Near airport
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good for you.
as someone said to me life is not a rehearsal you only get one go at it.
You may feel lonely at time. Bank holidays, xmas etc and weddings are couples do's are another matter.
but you will not reach 80 and think I wish.
go for it.
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TFG
member
Reged: 10/10/2007
Posts: 1024
Loc: Northampton
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yes one life some mistakes but you have to live life and appreicate it no matter what your decisions are
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kafferlilly
member
Reged: 26/04/2007
Posts: 191
Loc: NORTH WEST
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Very very difficult....
ChristinaB made a lot of good points...ajs I know it goes with out really saying but do think long and hard....
I had a first marriage many years ago and gradually over the years of it became unbearable...the unhappiness...the loneliness as we drifted apart...and the utter sickness in my stomach when sometimes he would try to touch me....and when hearing his key in the door the disappear that would consume me.....I didn't even LIKE him anymore..
Thats when you KNOW its best to leave...
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KAFFERLILLY
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