need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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I got so much help from you ladies in my recent post(especially from one lady who has sent very helpful PM's)but unfortunately things are much worse than I'd thought as I've found out my husband is having an affair.At first he denied it but I had proof so he had to admit it. When I found out who she was I could have literally died. She is the woman he had an affair with 20 years ago which ended his first marriage, and in effect lost him his kids. He says he has always loved her and that his feelings for me have dwindled and since then I have gone through every emotion in the book: grief, anger, the lot but eventually I got my head together and realised that he, like me, was in the depths of despair about the state of our relationship and this tart had caught him when he was at his lowest ebb with the oldest trick in the book: Friends Reunited. He looked so desperately sad on Saturday that (and please don't think I am soft for doing this because truly I'm not) I held out the Olive branch to him. The result was we had a good talk and actually a better evening than we have had for a while. We went out for lunch yesterday and had a really good time. I pointed out where we had gone wrong, how easy it would be to put things right and he accepted all of this. I had summoned up every iota of strength I ever had and told him point blank that there was nothing she had that I hadn't and that if he had been with her for 13 years and was in a rut with her and then I turned up out of the blue he would feel exactly the same for me as he does now for her. Most importantly, I told him that I could understand why he did it and that it could easily have been me as there is a similar person in my past that I have always thought of when things were going bad. So basically, things were going well, then we came home and everything for some reason, took a nosedive. Maybe I was expecting too much and as he still hadn't really said what he intended to do, all of my confidence drained away and the old anger came back. He is not a bad person, in fact he is the sort of person that everyone loves and the very few friends I've told have been totally shocked. The whole thing has absolutely devastated me. I would never thought I would want to take him back, but I do.I know it will be so hard, but I'm willing to give it a try. I have found out some facts (from his first wife via my stepson) that this piece of sh*t has done this before to two other married men and that was 20 years ago so she has had ample opportunity to have trebled that score by now. And I imagine it must be some sort of record for her to break up two marriages for the same man. My other big problem is that he and my stepson have fallen out over it. SS is VERY angry and OH told me yesterday that he'd said he loved me as much as his own mum, which shocked, stunned and warmed my heart in equal measure. I am trying to smooth things over between them but OH is angry as SS hasn't just accepted the situation and SS is very angry as OH has basically rocked the whole foundations of their relationship.
Sorry for this being so looooong but there is so much I needed to offload. If anyone has any help to give I would really appreciate it. I think if things got back to normal OH and SS could get their previously great relationship back on track but my biggest problem is how do I make him want me over her? How do I compete with a fantasy woman, someone he has held a torch for for over 20 years? A plus point is he has told her that I know and since then had his mobile switched off and swears he has had no messages from her...but what he doesn't know is, he has! I managed to get hold of his mobile and read three unbelievable messages from the pathetic tart and then I pronmptly deleted them! Hopefully she might think she has ben dumped! This has given me a total kick up the backside in many areas and I've found an inner strength I didn't know I had,which I have proved by not ringing the slag ang giving her a piece of my mind! If anyone has ever been in a similar situation, or even those who haven't, I would be so grateful for any help or advice any of you wise ladies can give. Thanks for listening x
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Loo
member
Reged: 09/01/2008
Posts: 981
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This sounds such an awful story, but how brave you are being. Good luck Need2know I hope things improve for you. With your courage and determination it sounds as though you are on the right track.
Loo
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....as in Looby Loo
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magwii
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 412
Loc: North Cyprus
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Need2know, you are doing so well although you must be totally devastated.
Lines have to be drawn here, will he be continually 'lusting' after her or was this an error on his part? Does your OH want to stay with you and make the enormous effort that he will have to put in to show that you are the one? Has he realised how stupid he has been (if even his son thinks so!!)?
Will you be able to trust what he says or does again?
I am sure you are going through the same questions on your own and although everyone can help you and offer you different angles, only you can make that enormous decision based on how you truly feel.
Been there and felt totally demoralised and an idiot!! So, perfectly normal thinking.
Keep strong and let us know how things progress.
Maggiex
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wispa
member
Reged: 16/01/2008
Posts: 1943
Loc: Suffolk,
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If he really wanted her, he would have gone to her. But he has told you all about it and wants to stay with you. It sounds as though it will all be okay, but it will take time.
Hang in there. Things are going to get tough now, because the tart knows that he has real feelings for you and wants to make things work. She won't be happy at being dumped.
Don't let her attempts stir things up come between you.
..wispa
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Happywanderer
member
Reged: 24/10/2007
Posts: 245
Loc: UK
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I haven't any experience of this kind of situation but just wanted to let you know my heart goes out to you. You must be so disappointed in him, he has really let you down & you must be wondering how he could to this to you. I would think it must be extremely difficult to deal with this on your own & can only suggest you seek counselling of some sort. Hopefully you'll have some other replies shortly with more concrete advice.....
Take care of yourself,
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anne1005
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Reged: 09/01/2008
Posts: 1063
Loc: manchester
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I can't give you any advice other than be true to your self. Sending you hugs & love with admiration for your strength!{}{}{}XXXx
Anne xx
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skippy
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 930
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Need2know - you are so brave and strong right now, i think your stepson will be yopur best ally in this - he can make your husband see what an idiot he is being.
im wondering whether some time apart from your husband will help him to get this woman out of his system - he may realise that she isn't the person he thinks she is, and then he will be in no more doubt and turmoil if you two get back togrther. It may also give you time to decide if you really want him back. If things haven't been good for a while maybe you will enjoy life more without him.
Take care - you are doing so well - xx
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[ima ge][/image]
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xxxSummerxxx
member
Reged: 29/03/2008
Posts: 4375
Loc: Essex
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Wise words Skippy.
x
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trendymurm
member
Reged: 07/03/2008
Posts: 132
Loc: Kent
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You must feel to be on an emotional rollercoaster and its not easy to make decisions when you feel like this. Whilst you have deleted the messages off your OHs phone you do not know that she will not be contacting him in other ways eg email. I know how hard this must be but he needs to be the one to tell her not to contact him anymore and no matter how much you may want to start again it takes two to give the committment to do that. Concentrate on getting things back on track between yourself and your OH and stay neutral between your OH and SS, you have enough to deal with. Your anger with the other woman I can understand but when things are not right there are always temptations around and it could have been anyone in reality. Don't waste your energy on her better to use it getting things right for you, shes not worth spending any time on.
Don't lose your confidence whatever you do, remember you are not the one who has strayed...good luck
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1265
Loc: Somerset
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Well if he didn't stick with her 20 years ago there must have been a good reason and sooner or later he'll remember what it was. Running back to the past rather than facing up to a problem is the easy option and he's probably feeling flattered that she's still there and chasing him.
All you can do is hang in there (in your situation I'd also be monitoring text messages!). Now it's out in the open the excitement from the secrecy of the affair will have been lost and he'll probably be starting to feel guilty so he'll eventually want to make the right decision.
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Thanks for all of your kind replies and good wishes. He is still in limbo at the moment, doesn't know what he wants to do but I am feeling really strong and confident today and I actually feel like HE is the victim not me! Especially after I found out today that although she has a good job, the slut's OH is a jobless, drunken abuser!! My OH just cannot see the wood for the trees and I actually pity him. I hhave asked him to think about why she didn't contact him for 20 years if she loved him so much but he has no answers. I am striving to show that I can get by quite well without him but at the same time have laid my cards on the table and told him I don't want us to split up. There are other complications as to why they both have not just took off and shacked up together which I am pleased about as it will give him more time to think. At the end of the day, even if he chooses me, it may not work out for us but I know exactly where we went wrong and I would make sure we didn't go down that road again. There is the added problem that I would find it very difficult to trust him again but I have an ace up my sleeve for that one!!
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Sella_Vee
member
Reged: 03/04/2008
Posts: 807
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Hang on in there, need2know, and do continue to show him that you can get by quite well without him but that you've chosen to stay with him. Your latest post sounds positive. Hold on to that feeling. Big Hug (( )), Sella
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gigi
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Reged: 12/04/2008
Posts: 1848
Loc: North East
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If she is so fabulous why is she so c""p at long term relationships? Keep that inner strength going and if there are any gaps in it they are for you to know and no-one else. Wilting wife never won wandering OH.
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OzzieKez
member
Reged: 21/06/2008
Posts: 1897
Loc: Queensland, Australia
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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! Cope any way you can. Do whatever you think is right. I had a very public and humiliating similar experience several years ago and I am so grateful to the silly cow who liberated me. My Ex has been through a string of affairs and marriages, but mostly ignored his son. I now have a supportive husband who believes in committment......however, nothing is perfect.
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1265
Loc: Somerset
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Sounds like she's looking for a way out of a relationship that's not working and she knew which strings to pull so that she could line up someone to go to.
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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I am really so grateful for all of your replies. However, from the strong survivor I was yesterday I am now a weeping wreck. Without wanting to make excuses for him, he is really a good man,who everyone loves and this is completely out of character for him which is how I rumbled him so easily. But the thing is, we have both been extremely negligent of each other (seperate beds, the lot) and I can totally understand how when someone threw him a lifeline he took it. He never meant to hurt anyone and is devastated that he has. Last night I had an absolutely BLAZING row with him which ended in tears and I suppose, a little bit more understanding. I told him that he is not being fair on me and he agreed but still didn't know what to do as he doesn't believe we can get back what we once had, where I do think we can. When he had gone to bed I checked his phone, which he had switched off, and there was a message from her with arrangements. I was shaking with anger, fear- everything. Though it was late, I'm lucky to have a friend who is there for me anytime. She told me what I had to do:get into bed with him and... well I don't need to say anymore do I? To cut a long story short I did, which meant this morning he was lovely. He was back to his normal self but I still had the spectre of him meeting her hanging over me. In the end I confronted him and he had no choice but to admit it. Something I haven't mentioned is that she now actually lives in another country (far away fortunately) and is leaving at the weekend and had asked to see him. He has sworn that nothing is going to happen (and I made him put on his grottiest underpants just in case!) and I believe him. I broke down and told him I'd deleted her message, why I had slept with him and for once since this hideous mess began, the husband I know and love comforted me.
He is there with her now and I don't mind telling you ladies, I am a wreck. I wanted to throw a sickie at work but I'm not that type so I am here, trying to make the best of it but my eye is constantly on the clock as I feel with her going away this will be the last time he will see her, unless he decides it's her he wants. I have asked him to ring me if there is anything to tell but up to now he hasn't. He met her at 12 and it's now 1.20...and I don't know what to think but am praying he has made the right decision.
Thanks for listening, ladies..I needed to get it off my chest x
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1265
Loc: Somerset
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Need2know, we are all thinking of you! I think it must be completely normal for your emotions to be jumping from one extreme to the other. This has to be the longest lunchtime ever for you but every moment he hasn't phoned is a moment longer without a decision and if he'd not made a decision before meeting her then that's in your favour.
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Maire
member
Reged: 23/05/2008
Posts: 27
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Oh my God, Need2know,
this is happening to you TODAY!! Hadn't realised that while reading the posts. Have fingers crossed for your strength and your heart. Okay, so he is a weak man and there are usually reasons for someone to stray, but after this famous lunch, I think you need to lay down some ground rules when he comes home. (Not that it's my place to tell you how to deal with your marriage - sorry) However, if it were me, I would make it very clear that any further contact with this woman, or any other woman, would be THE END!! No more understanding or excuses. He has had those and now, his attention is to be focused only on you and your marriage. My heart is in my mouth for you. Lots of love to you.
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Fuschia
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 1054
Loc: US
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Maire I'm so glad you said that - I've been thinking the same thing. Need2know - I admire you so much for being able to look at your marriage and see what's going on, and for having compassion for your OH. Having said that - unless you're willing to have this woman in your life for ever if he makes that choice, then you have to take the stand that Maire is suggesting. You need to decide what it is that you want. Even tho the woman lives in another country that doesn't stop the emails, phone calls and endless pining. Please don't leave all the decisions up to him. Your marriage can survive if both people are willing to work at it - he needs to make that decision.
I can imagine how hard it is for you just now and my heart goes out to you. Sending you lots of love. Marg x
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shellseeker
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Reged: 07/01/2008
Posts: 988
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Thinking of you need2know, and really really hope that it all turns out the way you want it to.
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HeadGirl
member
Reged: 11/01/2008
Posts: 1867
Loc: Maidstone, Kent, England
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Hi need2know,
Thinking of you this afternoon as I have been in a similar situation. I would be interested to know what the ace up your sleeve is for regaining trust - you can PM me with that one if you wish.
Keeping my fingers crossed that things work out the way you want them to and sending big hugs to you.
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LaMay
member
Reged: 14/04/2008
Posts: 78
Loc: Sunny South Africa
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Need2know ... I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I prayed for you that the best solution to this situation comes to you both soon.
I am not surprised you are in a state .. and day to day your feelings will change, anger, relief, nothing at all, pain, grabbing at straws, then anger again and so it goes until it is sorted out.
Sometimes there is nothing we can do, but we can ask God to intervene and choose the best path for us.
Hang in there 
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hattie18
member
Reged: 04/06/2008
Posts: 13
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Need2know - really hope all works out for you I do really know what you're going through - but do hang on in there. like headgirl I too wonder what your 'ace' for trust is???
Think a few of us would be keen to learn from you.
Hattie
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scarlett
member
Reged: 04/09/2007
Posts: 571
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Hi Need2know, what an awful time you are having, hope everything has turned out the way you want it to, I admire the way you have handled the whole situation when you obviously in pieces, here's to you, thinking of you and a great big hug to be getting on with. x
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Sella_Vee
member
Reged: 03/04/2008
Posts: 807
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My thoughts are with you, need2know, and I am going to put forward a rather old fashioned point of view, because I'm hoping you two will have another chance at sorting things out. From what you write, you have recently seen, once again, the husband you know and love, and you know there has been neglect on both sides. So, if you want to keep him, love him. Let him be your hero. Be kind to him, and treat him with love and respect, not in a subservient way, but as an equal. Everyone wants to be loved and admired, so love and admire him, and give him the chance to love and admire you too. A gentle touch and a smile can go a long way.
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scarlett
member
Reged: 04/09/2007
Posts: 571
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what wise words sella_vee x
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Tufty
member
Reged: 26/02/2008
Posts: 193
Loc: Hampshire
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Need2know
So sorry you are having a horrible time. Thinking of you and hope things work out. x
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TFG
member
Reged: 10/10/2007
Posts: 1097
Loc: Milton Keynes
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Need to know
Sorry to hear of your distress the last few days. If you think your man is worth fighting for then fight as you have been doing. You can only win though if your OH truely wants to be with you. If he doesn't and is pining for someone else all the time no matter how hard you work at your marriage there can never be a happy ending.
My thoughts are with you good luck and god bless
Hugs Sandie xxx
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Oh ladies...if only I'd had you all here tonight. He picked me up from work and I quizzed him about what had gone on, but didn't press him too much as I knew I would c |
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