kafferlilly
member
Reged: 26/04/2007
Posts: 265
Loc: NORTH WEST
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I know there are many reasons why people prefer to sleep in separate rooms.....but they still maintain a reasonable loving relationship....ok you snord...loudly....but surly you were both cuddling and kissing and things when you weren't sleeping...? 
Yes you must be totally drained ...exhausted....but if you read your own postings about how you 'felt' about him ...before the 'tart' dumped him it may remind you of why you fought so hard to keep him.... 
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KAFFERLILLY
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Kafferlilly, I did as you suggested and read back over my posts and it has made no difference to the way I'm feeling now. I could get over him having sex with someone else (wouldn't have thought I could but hey ho) but I can't get over the fact that he actually loves her and doesn't seem sure if he loves me (apparently he has "feelings" for me!). He has turned into a weak, spineless, boring individual, wallowing in his self pity and I've never seen this side of him before.
He is too lazy to put any effort in so the thought that he will suddenly wake up and realise what he's done and try to make some big gesture (as I have dreamed he would) just aint going to happen.
Even if he did beg forgiveness, I don't know if I can get back those feelings I had earlier in the week where I would have done anything to keep him because I really feel that he doesn't deserve me.
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gigi
member
Reged: 12/04/2008
Posts: 1848
Loc: North East
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A true story. A colleague of mine (male) can't decide to make a commitment to his OH or his new love. Each night he goes home to wife and children as usual. After the children have gone to bed he leaves and goes to stay overnight at his other loves home. Every night for almost two years. Both women are insecure, children are deceived, he gets the best of both worlds, two women, two homes, sees his children every day, one set of bills.
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 3936
Loc: South London
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Men!!
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Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told "I'm with you kid. Let's go." Maya Angelou
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Years ago I saw the tart (though he didn't tell me it was her until later) so I knew she was very attractive and that has haunted me throughout this whole thing. I have forced myself to believe I could compete with her and have been silently hoping the years had taken their toll(though in my head I couldn't help thinking about him cavorting with some beautiful woman in a lacy thong) and guess what? I have done a bit of detective work on the net and found her picture! I'm nearly 100% sure it's her and boy was I surprised! She is a little younger than me (bitch!)but not the stunner she was years ago, I can tell you! Not that it makes any difference but it has made me feel better knowing that I'm nicer looking that her (sorry to brag but I need to!)
I hope you don't all think I'm turning into a bunny-boiler!
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hattie18
member
Reged: 04/06/2008
Posts: 13
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Please dont do anything you may regret tomorrow. The way you are feeling now wont last anymore than the feelings you had yesterday have!! believe me I recognise so much of what you are going through. When it happened to me my husband was suffering from depression without either of us realising it and therefore all rational thinking didnt exsist and yes he wallowed in the 'oh woe is me'. But now he looks back and can see it all for what it really was - infatuation, escape, grass being greener and a bit of recapturing his youth[she had young children as ours had both just left home!!] So please look after yourself but keep letting him know you are still there for him - for the moment at least. She may be out of the picture and so you without realising it may be feeling resentful because of that but what if she returns back on the scene tomorrow will you still feel the same?? please feel free to pm me if you want to chat in more depth etc there for you Hattie.
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Sella_Vee
member
Reged: 03/04/2008
Posts: 807
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I don't know if this would help, need2know, but is there anyone you could go and stay with for a few days? I think you need to step back and think.
I also second what Hattie said about not doing anything hasty.
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Fuschia
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 1054
Loc: US
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Or even better - have him go and stay somewhere else for a while so you can both sort out your feelings.
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debenjane
member
Reged: 11/01/2008
Posts: 585
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I was going to suggest that Marg44. I think it's time he went for a few days or so to give you breathing space. Don't give him the easy option of slobbing around the house mourning his old lost love.
You have been amazing and I have followed your 'soap opera' in awe and amazemend at your strength and resiliance.
Now it time for you to be purely selfish. The ball is in your court and it's time he listened to what you want.
I am so proud of you, I would have been a gibbering wreck a long time ago.
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scarlett
member
Reged: 04/09/2007
Posts: 571
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Well Need2know, you are the most amazing women I know, what you have put up with whether your think you are partly to blame or not is unacceptable. She was on the scene long before you and your OH had problems most probably a contributary factor to your low self esteem I have supported your decision but now however have a different view. You have put up with enough now, get rid of him, whether you still love him there is someone out there far, far better than him, you now have done everything possible, and tried to make a go of , enough is enough, cut your losses and go and get the happiness an love your clearly deserve. Sorry if I now sound a bit harsh but take off those rose tinted specs and get rid of the b.....d. Hope I have not offended you but you truly deserve more than this. x
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scarlett
member
Reged: 04/09/2007
Posts: 571
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Hi Need2know, went to bed and had to get up again to apologise, sorry I called your husband that, it was out of order you love him or did, still no excuse, Sorry. x
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Lizbet1
member
Reged: 21/01/2008
Posts: 25
Loc: Midlands, UK
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This may get me "shot down in flames", but here goes!! I really feel so sad for Need to know. This is an extremely difficult situation and she has my full support .......but.....it also surprises and saddens me to read some of the descriptions being applied to the "other woman", "slut", "tart" "bitch". No (or few) similar terms are applied to the man. It seems most of the anger (from all sources) is directed towards this woman, and not the man, who must be at least equally to blame. Why are we, as women, so quick to condemn another woman and at the same time make excuses for the despicable behaviour of a man? After all, he must have been "willing".
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"If you're going through hell, keep going." Churchill.
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3011
Loc: Surrey
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Lizbet, the reason the slut is a slut is because she knows that the man is married so she knows what she is doing. Every woman who knowingly has an affair with a married man knows that she is 'stealing' someone else's man. She may believe it when he says he has no love, no sex, no happiness with his wife - that's what they all say - but everything he gives to her he is depriving his wife. The other woman knows that. Men deserve much worse names, but the truth is I think most of them only think of themselves. Denzy had a little go but she showed what probably most of us feel - hold back because need2know is suffering so much.
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sparkly3
member
Reged: 24/11/2007
Posts: 279
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I agree Lizbet1. I can understand need2know's anger, but I totally agree with your sentiments.
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Jae
member
Reged: 21/04/2006
Posts: 691
Loc: Scotland
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Hi Issi,
I think of the 'other woman' as a slut too, for the reasons you have given. In fact in my house she is referred to as 'the harlot'. It's the deliberatley going with someone who is married. Regardless of anything else it is just plain wrong. I know it takes two and I think just as badly of my ex, but I don't care how deeply I felt for someone, he would be a no-go area to me if he was in another relationship. Just couldn't do it.
I can't remember who it was but I remember reading a quote that went 'You can't always help your feelings, but you can help what you do about them'. Relationships fail for all sorts of reasons but wait until they do before getting involved.
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Jae
(You can only reach for the future by letting go of the past)
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Lizbet1
member
Reged: 21/01/2008
Posts: 25
Loc: Midlands, UK
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Did the guy not also have a responsibility to remember he was married? Did he not also think he should be giving his affections to his wife and not another? Calling the other woman names may make us feel better, but it will not alter the central point that "it takes two". Going now to try and find a tin helmet. I can feel the "blows" that are about to come my way!!
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"If you're going through hell, keep going." Churchill.
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3011
Loc: Surrey
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No blows Lizbet. x
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salgash
member
Reged: 02/07/2007
Posts: 246
Loc: Gloucestershire
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No blows Lizbet.
Six years down the road I can only agree with what you are saying but at the time you want to hurt the 'other woman' and the only way sometimes is to call her every name under the sun. The 'fish wife' came out in me. Actually that is probably an insult to fish wives! You say things and use words that you have never uttered before and if you could scratch their eyes out you probably would.
Some of you are more than likely saying 'not me'. I hope you are never put to the test.
However, I would now like to shake the lady by the hand as she did me a favour. Never will as they live thousands of miles away.
It hurts like mad need2know and there is no medication for it but be strong and stand firm. Step back and look at the situation before you make any BIG decisions.
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merc1
member
Reged: 20/02/2008
Posts: 786
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There are a lot of people following this sad saga.I would bet that a lot of us are looking at our own relationships and that can only be a good thing. Marriage is not easy, it does take two etc etc and you need to be vigilant that things are not getting too complacent.
My thoughts are with you need2know. merc xx
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xxxSummerxxx
member
Reged: 29/03/2008
Posts: 4375
Loc: Essex
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Issi,
If only Life was that easy and uncomplicated....
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