Fuschia
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 1054
Loc: US
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You're not doing the wrong thing need2know. You're doing what feels right to you and that's what's important - not what other people think. I read once that some affairs can happen when there are issues in the marriage and an affair seems the only way out. Not that it's a good reason, but an understandable one and it seems like you understand that too and know that he is a good man despite it. I agree with wispa - don't be too hard on yourself - it does take two, but now that you see some things in the past that you wish you hadn't done - it gives you a chance to do them right this time. Don't look back and be guilty - goodness, we all make mistakes, that's how we learn and become better people. But for this to work it takes both of you to make a commitment to the marriage. I really hope that he decides to work with you and make it better and have a stronger marriage at the end of it. It's really nice that you can still love him and see his goodness - that says a lot for you, and for him. But at the end of the day it's your life, and your respect, and if it doesn't work out know that you can make changes for you, like wispa says, and have a better life with or without him.
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Sella_Vee
member
Reged: 03/04/2008
Posts: 807
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Hello again, need2know, I've been giving you a bit of breathing space before butting in again with my thoughts because I wanted to see what you would decide.
If you are intent on hanging on to your man, go for it. Make yourself the woman he wants to be with. No more blame and recriminations, no more mention of the other woman, and no nagging. She's offering him sweetness and light so you need to be sweeter and lighter! You've done the most amazing thing in recognising your own faults, while continuing to see the good qualities in your OH. I so admire you for that. Although you've been on a rollercoaster of emotions, you don't come over as bitter, and that will put you at a huge advantage whatever happens in the future.
So, love yourself and make yourself lovely, try to keep your home as a place of refuge for you both, somewhere you both want to be. Become an old fashioned wife and cherish your man, but keep some outside interests of your own going, as a modern wife would. Don't depend on your OH for everything. Let other people find you fascinating too.
Good luck and hugs (( )) , Sella.
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Sella_Vee,maybe I don't come across as bitter yet but I sure as hell will be if he doesn't choose me! I'm not taking the blame but I really do think it was my neglect that caused all of this and now I am desperately trying to put right what I did wrong. I seem like a real soft touch but honestly I have given him SUCH a hard time over this, and it's only now when the dust has settled a bit that I am being to come to terms with what happened. I have said there were faults on both sides and he agrees, but as far as s-e-x is concerned, I really feel now that it's something that affected him more than it did me. I hated the situation we were in but it didn't fill my every waking hour as it seemed to do with him. Men seem to equate sex with love,in that if their partner isn't up for it all he time they think they don't love them.I thought he would always be there no matter what happened and it's says something for how down he was for him to take such drastic action.I know it seems mad, me making allowances for him but I can see now that our relationship was making him dreadfully unhappy. I would never, ever in a million years have suspected him of having an affair-he just isn't the type. And should I win him over, I am convinced that as long as he has no further contact with the slut, I would have nothing to worry about on the infidelity front. You all probably think I'm mad-but if you knew him too I'm sure you would all blame me! Though I feel I am making a little progress, he still hasn't told me his decision and it's driving me mad!!But I am harnessing all of my will power and trying not to push him, and am concentrating on being the wife I should have been, and hopefully he will make the right decision. Oh well, we will see what tomorrow brings!
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Sella_Vee
member
Reged: 03/04/2008
Posts: 807
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Surprisingly, need2know, I don't think you are a soft touch at all. I think you are someone who has made a mistake, and who is big enough to admit it. Your OH has made a mistake too, but your not putting all the blame on him, as so many women would do in your situation. You've made the decision that you want to hold on to your man and you're going to fight keep him. I'm just suggesting you fight for him with love and kindness, and a bit of good food and wine and home comforts too. You've made him happy before, see if you can do it again. And if it all turns out to be in vain, at least you'll know you gave it your best shot.
In the meantime you may want to read a book called "The Sixty Minute Marriage" by Rob Parsons. He's also got a newer book called "The Sixty Minute Marriage Builder". They're on amazon. It also wouldn't hurt to have the name and number of a good lawyer just in case.
I'm really rooting for you on this, need2know. Keep us posted, but don't pressure him.
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TFG
member
Reged: 10/10/2007
Posts: 1097
Loc: Milton Keynes
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Need to Know
You're not disappointing anyone on here I'm sure, at the end of the day it's your life and you love your man and want him to feel the same and have your relationship back to what it was like before the other woman and you both drifting apart. You go girl and fight for it.
Good Luck Sx
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1265
Loc: Somerset
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The fact that he's still not made up his mind has to be in your favour. It's obviously not an easy decision for him to make so he must have strong doubts about leaving. Keep on showing him what he'll be missing! Try not to beat yourself up about how your marriage got to this point (how could you know how unhappy he was if he didn't say - OH's seem to think we're mind readers!) and try to stay positive. No matter what happens you'll know you've done everything you can. I won't be logged in over the weekend but will be thinking of you.
Chrissi
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3011
Loc: Surrey
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Hi Needtoknow. I think you are an amazing woman, willing to fight for what's yours. I only hope your husband sees this and you make a new start together. Good luck. x x
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LaMay
member
Reged: 14/04/2008
Posts: 78
Loc: Sunny South Africa
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Need 2 know ... we are the last people you should be worried about. What we think of your marriage - does not matter, so dont think you are disapointing anybody. You are being an honourable wife and you obviously have alot of love in your heart for this man.
Most marriages go through those quiet periods of no sex or very little conversation or whatever it may be that eventually drives a wedge in between husband and wife.
The main thing is you two know what went wrong and that is a great start - be the best YOU that you know how to be, just take it day by day and bring him on home if that's what you want.
The fact that you are fighting for him will mean alot to him when he realises this ... be strong as it's not going to be easy, but you go girl! If that is what you want then all strength to you.
I hope this weekend is first steps to your marriage getting back on track.
God bless
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kafferlilly
member
Reged: 26/04/2007
Posts: 265
Loc: NORTH WEST
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What I am rather 'nosey' I suppose about Need2know is why your marriage had drifted into the separate beds in the first place....I hope you don't mind me asking....as you seem to be quite open and willing to share your torment on here...Its just that is he REALLY worth 'fighting' for....As you seem to have 'regained' your feelings for your husband only when you thought you were going to loose him to ANOTHER..{slut}....
Only asking.....and do wish you well. 
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KAFFERLILLY
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Sella_Vee
member
Reged: 03/04/2008
Posts: 807
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Kafferlilly, it's very easy to drift into separate beds - young children, bereavement, insomnia, different working hours, restless legs, snoring - there are lots of reasons, and sometimes you just don't realise how long it's been when your mind is preoccupied, especially if you love and trust your OH. Initially you might just be glad of a good night's sleep, but then it becomes a habit, and sometimes one or other partner gets lonely. Now you don't need to be sleeping in the same bed every night to be close to your partner - ask anyone who works nights - but you do have to make time for intimacy. It's why going out on "dates" with you OH is such a good idea, or going for walks and holding hands. You need to keep touching as well as keeping in touch.
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Just a quickie (yeah right!)to keep you all in the picture. I got a text this morning from her saying she's told him it was over. So...I won but it definitely feels like an own goal. He is dreadfully upset about it all and so was I again-all of the fight just drained out of me. But then, I got angry, and reminded myself that no way was I going to be second best to anyone.
I told him I had said and done all I was prepared to and if he wanted me back, he would need to do something about it. I then took myself out to spend loads of money on clothes (Could I find any? Could I hell!).
He has cheered up a little but I've still got my angry head on, so God only knows what this evening will bring. I feel like I'm starring in my own soap-opera...I only wish it wasn't real life x
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Sella_Vee
member
Reged: 03/04/2008
Posts: 807
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If you really want to keep him, take your angry head right off and be nice. She could be bluffing! Now she's become unattainable again you need to keep fighting. And you definitely need to spend money on new clothes, and shoes, and handbags and undies. Keep looking  .
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Hi all again! Kafferlilly, we ended up in seperate beds largely because of my (and I hate to say this...) snoring! And at the time I was having night sweats which were stopping us getting any sleep, and it seemed like a good, temporary solution. Only it didn't turn out to be temporary. He thought I didn't love him and I thought, as time went on, that he didn't fancy me anymore. During all this time, I never once thought there was another woman. I just thought he'd always be there. How wrong I was...
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BeauSoleil
member
Reged: 26/03/2008
Posts: 1536
Loc: France
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Hello Need2know
Have only just read through these posts and can't believe what's been happening to you. Can't really offer any advice but a few points some of which are in agreement with other posters.
Only be doing the weight loss thing etc for you because you want to not for him. He married you for better and for worse-is he still the same as when you first married? If not, do you expect him to change for you?
I would be inclined to try as hard as I could not to be too confrontational at the moment as all that will do is make him think the grass is greener. Particularly if the other woman is showing him her reasonable side. If she is going to live abroad then if she is the kind of woman she seems to be then do you really think she will sit and wait or will her social life continue in the manner it already has done?
I think the no se* thing can be a bit of an excuse anyway and that maybe he should be a little more understanding from that point of view anyway. Did you going looking elsewhere? I suspect not?
N2k-I don't want to just present the negative side or appear one sided but your husband had to make some 'proactive' moves aswell with regard to seeing/meeting this other woman. The reality of being with someone permanently and having an affair is very different. Perhaps you should let him go and then see if she is the wonderful creature he thinks she is when it's her who is clearing up after him, keeping home, dealing with finances, putting the loo seat back down, using the sink after he's shaved and the day to day life. I think they would both see a different side to each other then, and not just one way round!
I'm sure it will be a long battle ahead whichever way it goes and I wish you strength, courage and dignity by the bucketload.
PS Whichever route you take don't be too easy on him but be sure you can live with your decision if he comes back!
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Hi Beausoleil, as you can imagine, today has been hard-really hard. We had planned to go out tonight and as the atmosphere at home is dreadful, I suggested we go out anyway. It was a bit of a mistake as I really couldn't be bothered to speak to him and feel like I've had a change of heart actually. I am so very, very angry at the awful mess he has made of our lives. I have admitted my faults and have been like a complete angel for the past few days and then I get hit with this. He is clearly very sad but hey, so am I!! He is full of self-pity and clearly thinks what has happened to him is much worse than what has happened to me and quite frankly I am sick of it. As you point out, he didn't have to have an affair...it was his choice. I had no choice whether to have my heart broken and have the very fabric of my life threatened, and my stepson didn't ask to have his faith in his dad shattered, but it happened nonetheless and it was all down to my husband and his tart. I have told him tonight that I think we will split up because he will have to try to win me back and I think he is too lazy, self-centred and too absorbed in his own "heartbreak" to bother about mine. The way I feel now, I don't even want him back. He is a grown man with a family and responsibilities and he is acting like a love-lorn teenager and I find him weak, stupid, boring and very selfish-quite a change from how I thought of him yesterday, isn't it? The weight thing I am doing for myself. I have wanted to lose weight for ages but could never do it, but now me and hunger are best buddies and I like it that way. My self-esteem has takena battering and I am very keen to get back to the person I was whether he wants me or not.
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3011
Loc: Surrey
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You sound really really angry need2know and you have every right to be. He does appear so different now that slutface has decided not to have him. He is "too absorbed in his own 'heartbreak' to bother about mine" in your words and he cannot expect you to have any sympathy for him. I think if you stay angry with him to his face he will find it very difficult to start making it up with you. If it were me I would keep the household ticking over as normal but spend every spare minute on myself - whatever it takes to be happy with myself again. You have been through the wringer, now look after yourself, and if you decide you want to keep him - give him a lifeline. Good luck x x x
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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To be honest, Issi, I really don't know if I do still want him. This latest revelation has been a massive dent to my pride so much so that I don't know if I can get over it. The last few days were fine and I thought it would just be a matter of time but now I think I was fooling myself. When we were out tonight I said to him "have you looked at me lately?" because I felt I was looking pretty damn good whereas he just looked tired, depressed and old. But I don't even think looks come into it anymore as he keeps banging on about her being his true soul mate, which is pathetic and sickening. I have given him every chance and he still hasn't done anything so I'm afraid I'm close to throwing in the towel because I don't think he deserves me.
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3011
Loc: Surrey
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How can he tell you that she is his soulmate?!? What is he expecting you to say? There, there, you'll feel better soon? What a terrible time you are having. Please look after yourself and perhaps accept that he is not able to see things clearly yet. I don't think he is ready to make you feel better when he is feeling so sorry for himself, and I can see how off-putting that makes him. x x
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gigi
member
Reged: 12/04/2008
Posts: 1848
Loc: North East
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I really don't understand how she can be his soulmate. The facts are she broke up his first marriage. They weren't together then, he didn't marry her. He married you. The only thing that unites their souls is their insecurity.
How long do they honestly think they would last together? Personally I wouldn't have any more contact with her, it will only feed his ego, and I expect those encounters are not pleasant for you.
I don't know why you take on so much responsibility for sleeping in seperate rooms. So you snore. Some people have a lot of traffic noise outside their homes. Where do they go to sleep? They adjust to it.
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Edited by gigi (28/06/2008 05:34)
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salgash
member
Reged: 02/07/2007
Posts: 246
Loc: Gloucestershire
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When a man has an affair they often become the 'victim' Never their fault. The wife hasn't paid enough attention to them or she has let herself go etc. They are then able to justify to themselves and others why they had the affair.
You tried to turn things round and you would have got more response from a plate of wet fish.
Take a step back and ask yourself whether this is what you really want. If it is then you need to meet halfway because it takes two to make a marriage work.
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