Happywanderer
member
Reged: 24/10/2007
Posts: 245
Loc: UK
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Need2know, so sorry for the pain you are going through. Wish I could think of some inspirational words to help.
All I can say is hang in there, you will eventually see that light at the end of the tunnel - and all the forum girls are behind you.
Hugs
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1265
Loc: Somerset
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Why is it that some women think a married/attached man is fair game? I really don't understand how any woman can think getting involved with another woman's partner is acceptable.
Hope he sees sense!
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rinijini
member
Reged: 20/06/2008
Posts: 1
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I am new to this forum. I heart goes out to you. Hold on to this marriage, if he wanted go he would of gone by now. you didn't mention how old is he,I think your huby just wanted to test his manhood & get a thrill another chasing him or prove to himself he can still pull a bird. Good Luck. 
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anner06
member
Reged: 18/03/2008
Posts: 441
Loc: Northamptonshire
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Hi - been following this for the last couple of days and haven't posted, as really didn't know what to say. My ex OH told me one day, he hadn't been happy for some time and was leaving. Strange that within a week he had a 27 year old girlfriend. She has no interest in the children and had actively chased him, knowing that he was married with children. I however, was not prepared to fight, and let him go. You seem prepared to fight and I wish you all the luck in the world and know that whatever the outcome, in time you will not feel as bad as you feel now.
Feel free to PM me if you need to offload and best wishes and a big hug.
Anne
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CheshireCat
member
Reged: 04/03/2006
Posts: 232
Loc: Cheshire
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need2know
I don't have any advice and have never been in this situation but just wanted to say I hope you get things sorted how you want them. There has been some excellent advice on here and I have to say you sound like quite a strong lady. I really do admire the way you have stood and fought for what you want. Even if he does go it sounds to me like you are a strong woman and will live to tell the tale.
Good luck and best wishes to you. xx
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LaMay
member
Reged: 14/04/2008
Posts: 78
Loc: Sunny South Africa
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Need2know ... I am so so sorry - your heart must be breaking!
We are not married to this man and as outsiders we could say walk away, if he wants to go, then let him. But you are there living this nightmare. What would be good at this point is for you to take a few steps back and try to look at the facts.
His feelings for this woman, ended his first marriage and relationship with his own children.
After all these years - his feelings for this woman are wanting him to jeopardise/lose his second marriage and once again damage his relationship with his children.
There is more to this than a casual fling.
Sometimes people want the things they cant have and then when they get them they start to see its not what they wanted at all.
Maybe he needs to be with her - to see that he does not want to be with her, if you know what I mean.
I know this is frightening for you and I am not saying DONT fight for your marriage, it seems from what you are saying that he wants to go.
Dont beg anymore - as long as you have made it clear to him that you love him and would be willing to fight for your marriage, he will remember that in the dark days ahead, he will remember who really loves him.
Keep your integrity and self respect. You are a remarkable woman, fighting for your man and your marriage in this way. If it were me, I would pack his bags for him and kick him out, he doesn't deserve you sweetie! Maybe he will wake up and realise that.
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Yes, it's certainly a roller coaster ride at the moment. I never know what is happening from one day to the next, or how I will be feeling.
I suppose I am being quite strong but in spite of everything I don't want to lose him and on top of that it will so messy...it's just unthinkable. So...I'm hanging on there in the hope that he will come to his senses soon. Very soon! Thanks for all your good wishes xx
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LINN
member
Reged: 20/02/2008
Posts: 55
Loc: SUSSEX
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just gone on the forum after a few weeks away from it,I do know what you are going through, my kids have left home, have been married 27years, hubby hit 50this year met someone while working away a younger woman, says he does not hate me!!! he left me twice to stay with this woman, then says he wants to come home, promises he will never go again, realises what he misses at home, took him back, then 3 weeks ago decides to go again ( mid life crisis keeps being mentioned).
Its an emotional roller coster, i have ups and downs thinking what did i do wrong, i agree with you i would fight all the way to keep him, but i can`t seem to win, he rings to see if i am ok( why). i wish you all the luckxxx 
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salgash
member
Reged: 02/07/2007
Posts: 246
Loc: Gloucestershire
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Yes some men do go through a 'mid-life crisis' They want to recapture their twenties.
need2know, be dignified. Don't text her, she will love it.
I have been in a similar situation.
Wanted to shred his clothes- pointless, I bought them.
Wanted to run my keys along the side of his beloved Golf GTI - pointless, company car.
Wanted to throw his golf clubs down the well - pointless, he would just buy another set.
I shouted and words I had never uttered rolled off my tongue like treacle off a spoon.
I went through his briefcase, pockets, got the password and read his emails.
Did I feel better? No.
For a good marriage you need trust otherwise you strangle yourself everytime he comes in late or doesn't answer his mobile phone.
Do you love him or are you in love with him?
Remember there has to be something left after lust.
Which ever way it turns out for you be happy, be your own person and don't be a doormat.
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xxxSummerxxx
member
Reged: 29/03/2008
Posts: 4375
Loc: Essex
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Linn,
i dont think you have done anything wrong,what i will say is that as we get older we question ourselves,are we still as attractive as when we were younger? I do feel that both men and women often after being together for many years can take each other for granted.Often our unhappiness isnt about the person we r with but the unhappiness is within ourselves.Both men and women at the age of 40/50 may have spent many years providing for their FAmily and suddenly "Johnny" and "Tracey" dont need you quite so much anymore.Over the years you've had a focus... the family, the mortgage,the climbing the ladder n suddenly its "easier" what now?? what now to fill that void that focus.Are you the same person your partner met on day one? have yor asperations(Sp?) changed?
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OzzieKez
member
Reged: 21/06/2008
Posts: 1897
Loc: Queensland, Australia
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Hope you have a better day Need 2 Know. They will get better. Stella Vee is right about the lawyer. When I was in the same position my friend made the appointment for me. I didnt think I would ever care about anything else ever again. However, as time went by, my ex was quite prepared to take whatever he could from our joint assets (mostly aquired by me - honestly) into his new love nest. I was left with the baby and the bills while he swanned around town in limos with his "new love". I was her boss. Who's behaviour do you think was scrutinised?
Hold your head up, you are a lady who has been wronged. She's not going to care what you think. Her actions have shown her for what she is! It will hurt for a long time but it will get better no matter what the outcome. Who knows, perhaps you will find someone else more deserving. I did.
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TFG
member
Reged: 10/10/2007
Posts: 1097
Loc: Milton Keynes
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NTN
So sorry that things have turned out this way for you as the others say you need to batten down the hatches now and look after number 1 and number 1 is YOU!
Seek some advice about you home etc.
And not what you want to hear I'm sure but it would appear that you only have anger for the 'other' woman - but I'm afraid it does take 2 to tango so your H is to blame as well- he didn't have to take the offer up so to speak.
What you are feeling now is grief and feeling angry and upset ok at one moment and in pieces the next is perfectly NORMAL- don't forget that you are reacting in a normal way.
Take Care Hugs Sxxx
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1265
Loc: Somerset
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We all feel flattered when someone else takes an interest and flirts but most of us know that it's enough to feel flattered and know not to take it any further. Linn and Need2know, it really sounds to me as if your OHs have serious doubts about leaving. Keep strong - whatever happens let them see you're strong and they're risking losing someone special.
Chrissi
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wispa
member
Reged: 16/01/2008
Posts: 1943
Loc: Suffolk,
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Chrissi,
this man has 2 women chasing him. His wife and the tart. He's on a ego trip.
..wispa
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Well...you are all going to hate me now but I'm going to have to defend my husband a little bit! The difference between Linn and I is that I do know where I went wrong. We had been in seperate rooms for months and hadn't had sex in all that time. Again, there were faults on both sides but OH says he felt totally rejected and night after night when he sloped off to bed on his own, he used to think "Is this it until I die??" So when the slut offered him a new life on a plate (and bearing in mind he has always carried a torch for her, and I was aware of that) he grabbed it with both hands. He knew it was wrong, he has NEVER strayed before but he couldn't stand how our relationship had become. Of course in hindsight he should have spoken to me before he did what he did, but maybe somehow he thought he could get away with it, I don't know. I know it probably sounds weak but I completely understand how he did what he did and though I wish to God he hadn't, maybe it was going to take something really drastic before we both woke up to what was happening to us. I was totally taking him for granted (and he me), I'd gained weight, slobbed around each night in trackie bottoms, we sat and stared at the TV every night then went to bed alone. Basically it was an accident waiting to happen.It is taking some doing but I feel like I am getting through to him a little, although he is still a relucatant to sever ties with the slut as he doesn't know if we can get back what we had. I've told him I'm putting 100% into this. I obviously stopped eating when I first found out and am capitalising on this and have lost a little weight,I have outlined the new life we will have if he is up for it and at the end of the day, if our marriage fails it will be through no fault of mine...this time. Basically, it boils down to the one thing she could offer him that I wasn't, as she has nothing that I haven't got (in fact I have more to offer, the love of his kids, our home, our dog...our history together) and now though he says he has always loved her, I counter this with telling him he must have forgotten her when he fell in love with me (and told me I was the best girlfriend he had ever had, and he says this is still true) so he will forget her again when the girl he fell in love with comes back.
I am fighting tooth and nail to keep him-I've never fought so hard for anything and I hate to disappoint you all if you think I'm doing the wrong thing (and I truly, truly am so very grateful for everyone's support-it is really wonderful and has really kept me going!)I can understand how some of you have him down as a complete b***ard but he's not-honest. If he was I would be glad to let him go. Sorry to go on at length-again!
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scarlett
member
Reged: 04/09/2007
Posts: 571
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Good for you Need2know, I hope with all my heart that you and hubby make a go of this and stay together and you both find love with each other. x
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1265
Loc: Somerset
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Need2know - if it feels right for you then you're doing the right thing. If it was my OH I'd do everything I could to get him to stay.
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merc1
member
Reged: 20/02/2008
Posts: 786
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Need2know, it takes something to admit to all of this and hopefully now you have hit the bottom you will emerge slowly and build a better life,with OH or at the worst without,but you will surely know yourself more. Good luck,merc.
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wispa
member
Reged: 16/01/2008
Posts: 1943
Loc: Suffolk,
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need2know,
I am so worried you are being to hard on yourself. Okay, you let yourself go, and your marriage got into a rut. But it takes two do do that. Maybe if he he had paid you more attention, you would have taken better care of yourself. Maybe if had been a bit more sparky, you might have spent more time talking to him than watching TV.
I'm glad you have decided to make the most of yourself, but do it for you, not him. Why not take up new interests, meet new people. Then you'll have things to talk about, and won't want to watch so much TV.
But don't take all the blame, he was just as much to blame for the rut you both got into, although the affair is all his fault. The tart has probably been filling his head about how bad you are. He needs gentle reminding what drove you to it. And if he does does run off with her, her long before he treats their relationship the same way.
Hold your head high, keep on with the weight loss, and bin those tracky bottoms and spend some money on some nice clothes, hair cut, perfume, maybe a gym membership - but take it all out the joint account.
Good luck for the future, whatever you decide to do.
..wispa x
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shellseeker
member
Reged: 07/01/2008
Posts: 988
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I am sure that alot of us will understand entirely your feelings and that you want to make this marriage work again. I second Denzy's words! Thinking of you.
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