HeadGirl
member
Reged: 11/01/2008
Posts: 1867
Loc: Maidstone, Kent, England
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Hi need2know,
Thinking of you this afternoon as I have been in a similar situation. I would be interested to know what the ace up your sleeve is for regaining trust - you can PM me with that one if you wish.
Keeping my fingers crossed that things work out the way you want them to and sending big hugs to you.
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LaMay
member
Reged: 14/04/2008
Posts: 78
Loc: Sunny South Africa
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Need2know ... I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I prayed for you that the best solution to this situation comes to you both soon.
I am not surprised you are in a state .. and day to day your feelings will change, anger, relief, nothing at all, pain, grabbing at straws, then anger again and so it goes until it is sorted out.
Sometimes there is nothing we can do, but we can ask God to intervene and choose the best path for us.
Hang in there 
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hattie18
member
Reged: 04/06/2008
Posts: 13
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Need2know - really hope all works out for you I do really know what you're going through - but do hang on in there. like headgirl I too wonder what your 'ace' for trust is???
Think a few of us would be keen to learn from you.
Hattie
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scarlett
member
Reged: 04/09/2007
Posts: 571
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Hi Need2know, what an awful time you are having, hope everything has turned out the way you want it to, I admire the way you have handled the whole situation when you obviously in pieces, here's to you, thinking of you and a great big hug to be getting on with. x
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Sella_Vee
member
Reged: 03/04/2008
Posts: 807
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My thoughts are with you, need2know, and I am going to put forward a rather old fashioned point of view, because I'm hoping you two will have another chance at sorting things out. From what you write, you have recently seen, once again, the husband you know and love, and you know there has been neglect on both sides. So, if you want to keep him, love him. Let him be your hero. Be kind to him, and treat him with love and respect, not in a subservient way, but as an equal. Everyone wants to be loved and admired, so love and admire him, and give him the chance to love and admire you too. A gentle touch and a smile can go a long way.
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scarlett
member
Reged: 04/09/2007
Posts: 571
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what wise words sella_vee x
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Tufty
member
Reged: 26/02/2008
Posts: 193
Loc: Hampshire
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Need2know
So sorry you are having a horrible time. Thinking of you and hope things work out. x
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TFG
member
Reged: 10/10/2007
Posts: 1097
Loc: Milton Keynes
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Need to know
Sorry to hear of your distress the last few days. If you think your man is worth fighting for then fight as you have been doing. You can only win though if your OH truely wants to be with you. If he doesn't and is pining for someone else all the time no matter how hard you work at your marriage there can never be a happy ending.
My thoughts are with you good luck and god bless
Hugs Sandie xxx
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Oh ladies...if only I'd had you all here tonight. He picked me up from work and I quizzed him about what had gone on, but didn't press him too much as I knew I would cry and didn't want to till I got home. Then he broke the news that he wants to be with her. Honestly, I can't tell you how that felt. I was expecting good news and had been imagining how we could get things back to normal so to be confronted with the worst possible news was devastataing.I am not sorry to say I went absolutely ballistic! I have never, ever been so angry in my whole life. I used swear words I didn't even know I knew, threw things, slammed doors and honestly, I swear if I'd had a knife in my hand I could have done some serious damage and believe me there is not an aggressive bone in my body, normally.
My stepson came in later and I gave him the news and he was gutted. My husband doesn't seem to understand the depth of everyone's feelings-I think he thought everyone was going to dance to his tune and is really surprised that they aren't.SS eventually left the room and I went after him, and he broke down in tears (and he is 24 yrs old). The man he has respected all of those years has just been shown to be a liar and a cheat, and even when that was exposed didn't have the guts to do the right thing and stand by his family. To be honest we both feel like an alien has taken over his body. He is acting sooo out of character, I feel I don't even know him. To vent some of my anger I have sent some verrry choice texts to the slag-which she hasn't had the guts to reply to. Instead she texted him and told him to get me to stop or she would come and see me. Nice, eh? On top of my grief she expects me to start scrapping on my own doorstep, which shows what a class act she is! I ordered HIM in no uncertain terms to tell her to back off and thankfully he did. I can't begin to make you all understand how I feel but stupidly I ended up trying to reason with him. I KNOW we could get everything back that we once had but he is reluctant to commit...to me! I have said that he owes it to me to give our relationship a chance. It will take at least 3 months for her to sort her affairs out over there and our house definitely will take a while to sell, so I have suggested he takes that time out to give us a chance. When I am rational and not screaming he listens to me, but he's now gone to bed without giving me an answer. I am really worn out by it all. I can't get through to him what an idiot he's being, giving up everything for some low-life slag. I truly, truly appreciate everyone's good wishes- it is so nice to know that people I don't even know are so caring. He keeps saying he hasn't felt loved for years and I am really, really sorry about that, but given the chance I would make it up to him. But am I a fool for offering him that chance? I kind of hate myself for doing it but I can't help it. He is like a lost soul and is making decisions when the state of his mind is clearly unbalanced but I love him and want everything to get back to normal. If only I could turn back the clock. Thank you all so very much for your incredible support, you are all brilliant. No doubt there will be another thrilling instalment soon x
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OzzieKez
member
Reged: 21/06/2008
Posts: 1897
Loc: Queensland, Australia
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It will get better, it really will. Probably not in the way you could possibly imagine. Everyone has a right to respect. The only thing in this situation that you can control is yourself. Lavish care on yourself; listen to the music you like, eat the food that nourishes you, look at things that please you and smell nurturing scents. It is apparent that you are surrounded by love, just look at the responses on this site.
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Hi OzzieKez, Yes I am lucky that I have some really good friends and I include people on this site in that. It is heart-warming that everyone's there for me and giving me such good advice. I'm afraid I'm too strung out at the moment to nurture myself...I've had nothing since breakfast apart from several large brandies and even that hasn't dulled the pain. Yesterday I was so strong-but now that strength has vanished-just when I need it!
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Fuschia
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 1054
Loc: US
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I'm so sorry need2know. Please look after yourself for now. It sounds like things are far too raw to start making decisions, or having deep talks with him. I feel so bad for you. You will feel better though, no matter what the outcome. That I know for sure. Much love Margaret x.
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Sella_Vee
member
Reged: 03/04/2008
Posts: 807
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OK, need2know, it's time for plan B. Find yourself a good lawyer asap. Make sure you know your rights, and have some money of your own. OH may change his mind yet, but you have to consider that if he does, he might change it back again.
I'd stop calling the other woman names in front of him, or indeed having any contact with her at all. I'm sure, in the circumstances, I'd have behaved exactly as you did tonight, but tomorrow is a new day and you are going to need to hold on to your dignity.
It's up to you and only you to decide if you still want to try and hold on to him or not, but either way, acting in a dignified manner (and I emphasise acting here because that's the last thing you'll be feeling) will help you feel better in the long run, and will make you seem stronger.
Now go and eat something and have a hot drink. It'll still be bad in the morning, you probably won't sleep at all tonight, but you need to keep your strength up.
Love and hugs (( )), Sella
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Lisianthus
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 468
Loc: Sussex
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Please PM me if you would like to chat.
I have been in exactly the same situation as you.
My thoughts are with you.
Buy yourself the CD called 'Staying on the Path' by Dr Wayne Dyer and try to sleep well.
Hugs,
Janine XXX
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My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. (Edith Wharton)
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hattie18
member
Reged: 04/06/2008
Posts: 13
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So sorry its got to this needtoknow - but I was in almost the same place as you some years ago. at this point I made him go and be with her. Taking control really helped me, beginning to plan a future without my OH was awful but really helped. Once he left reality at last kicked in for him and he thankfully woke up. I refused at first to be in contact but then after the worst 5 days of my life I saw him at his request and we slowly began at last to rebuild what we had but I was in control. We went for counselling and now are as happy as we were many years ago. I too neglected our relationship but you can get it back - not exactly the same but still good. At times I hate myself and think how weak I am but just like you dont feel i have a choice about wanting to be with him - but you can take control. Sorry this is so long but I hope it helps to know you are not alone. Being on this forum has so helped me learn that!!! Really thinking of you hugs Hattie
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scarlett
member
Reged: 04/09/2007
Posts: 571
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Hi Need2know, I hope you are ok this morning, I cannot tell you how upset I feel for you what an absolutely ghastly position to be in, all I can say is if you need to talk please pm me I am having marriage problems at the moment perhaps not quite as extreme as yours but can imagine what you must be feeling.
Sella-Vee, would absolutely love someone like you around your advice is spot on well done.
Denzy x
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wispa
member
Reged: 16/01/2008
Posts: 1943
Loc: Suffolk,
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need2know,
I'm so sorry. I've been through something similar, and it hurts so much. Sella-Vee has given good advice,so do listen to her.
Remember your OH was only reacting to what he heard yesterday, and once he's thought about it might change his mind, but you need to put yourself first and decide whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with him. It's now your choice, not his
..wispa
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3011
Loc: Surrey
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Hello Need2know. I just want to send you a message of support for what you are going through. Why is it that a man can say he has been unhappy for years yet apparently do nothing about it until some tart on a white charger comes to "save" him? Wasn't it supposed to be us women who needed to be rescued? I will never, ever understand a woman who knowingly takes a married man, ever. Sella-Vee is right, you need to take some control and this is a time to hold yourself together, whatever happens. x x x
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christina
member
Reged: 24/02/2006
Posts: 160
Loc: wiltshire
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need 2 know,
I feel so sorry that it has come to this,but I think Sella -Vee is spot on with her advice,I wish she had been around when I went through this scenario a few years ago-believe me you will get through it.
Do look after yourself just act strong and one day you will realise it is no longer an act.
my thoughts and prayers are with you
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Thanks for all of your good wishes, everyone-I really appreciate it. I finally calmed down last night and tried (again) to talk rationally to him. He has caused so much upset to everyone and I swear this is so unlike him. I have asked him to just think about telling her to put everything on hold for 3-6 months and in that time, give us a chance. He said he would think about it but this morning I can't even be bothered to ask him anything, I feel so demoralised.I sent the slut one last message,(this time not calling her all the foul names under the sun) telling her what devastation she has caused and that if she really does care about him, to let him go as being with her will ruin his life, especially with his kids (obviously didn't mention me as it's clear she has no regard for her fellow woman). If only the stupid man would wake up and smell the coffee! I'm convinced he's having a mid-life crisis and have cut and pasted loads off stuff off the net that I'm going to make him read-hopefully it might start his silly, infatuated brain working properly again.
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