(member)

07/07/2008 20:23

Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

I got a phone call just now from a dear, close and long term girlfriend of mine. She is nearly ten years old than me but we have never really notice it and over the years have had many laughs, a few tears and a lot of fun in each others company.
We clicked instantly when we meet, and have known each other since our boys were in nursery/primary school, some 15 or so years ago now.

She started the phone call off by saying the normal hello and friendly chat about the family and life but then she suddenly broke off this line of chat and said she "didn't know how to tell me something so I'll just come straight out with it!" The next line she spoke was "I have cancer in my breast" and "I'm starting a course of chemotherapy this Friday "

We chatted on the phone for over half an hour and she said she promises to call me and let me know how things are going and when she would like me to pop over and see her. She is only 10 minutes drive away from me.
The lump is only a few cms big but according to the hospital and my friend (she is a trained nurse) this is fairly big.
She isn't at all big busted and after removing the lump she will need to have the rest of her breast tissue removed.

Please what I need is advice on what I can do for my friend. I said I was so sorry to hear her news and that I didn't know what to say or do. I have offered help of any sort and for her to phone me at any time night or day no mater how silly or little her concern or worry is or even if she just wants a moan.

Still I feel at a loss, helpless and hopeless as to what I can do to be of some positive useful help to her and feel I need please some ideas and suggestions from all you lovely ladies as to what I can do to support and be there for her.

I don't want to call her but should I just leave things till she contacts me again?
Do I send her a card or note ?
What do you do for a close and dear friend who has just given told you such news??
Advice and help needed please???

Thanks in advance for your help and advice from me
Debbie

dbverycherry

(member)

07/07/2008 20:30

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Debbie,
I haven't been through this in quite the same way as you but if it was me i would sent her a short notelets every now and then explaining that you will be there for her etc,tell her that you dont expect a reply but you are there if she needs a listening ear.I just feel that if shes not upto speaking to anyone then she wont feel pressured by your concern.

(member)

07/07/2008 20:33

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi Debbie

I think you should call her in a day or two and just say what you've said here - you don't really know what to say but want to give her all the support you can. It's taken a lot of guts on her part to tell you and I'm sure she'd really appreciate your call.

(member)

07/07/2008 20:36

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Thanks so much for your quick and positive thinking Summer. Such a prompt reply.

I will go and buy some suitable cards/ notelets tomorrow.

Isn't it funny how life pans out. Only today my care job where I look after an old lady twice a week has suddenly and unexpectedly ended. I now have 2 whole free days each week. So all being well I can be there for her if and when she feels the need.

dbverycherry

(member)

07/07/2008 20:43

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hello Norfolk classy lass
I was wondering if I should just give her a quick call this Friday evening but I don't want to trouble her to much. She did mention her mum has been worrying her and phoning her each day so I took this as a slight hint not to call her but I may have read what she said wrong.

Why isn't there a hand book for such situations in life??

dbverycherry

(member)

07/07/2008 20:49

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Debbie I know that you will be astute enough to be able to support your friend through all her difficulties , sometimes we feel we are not up to a task that is suddenly sprung upon us but I think the most important thing you can do just now is listen clearly to what your friend is needing and you will know how to offer her support I wish you well and dont hesitate to ask your other friends for help or advice you can certainly call on me if I can be of any help

(member)

07/07/2008 20:54

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi.I had this situation with one of my closest friends 2 years ago.We had goneout for a meal plus OHs when I said I had found a lump in my breast and she said she had as well.Mine was nothing but in fact she had 2 lumps, each with a different form.If I were you I would just call,perhaps with a small bunch of flowers or chocs and say" i'm not stopping .I just want to give you a hug".I did phone a lot and I found that if she didn't want to talk it either went into ansaphone or her husband made an excuse.She had surgery and before she went into hospital I made her up a goody bag with lots of little things in (a nice Crabtrree and Evelyn soap,scented tissues,a little craft kit,magazines etc.)That was 2 years ago.My friend lost all her hair but it has now fully grown again(she had a fantastic wig when was hairless).She finished the main treatment and is just on Tamoxofen.3weeks ago she had a mamogram and it was clear.Breast cancer these days is much more treatable.Keep your fingers crossed for me.I had my routinemammogram last Friday and now have to wait 2-3 weeks for the result.Hope this helps.barbara

(member)

07/07/2008 21:10

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi and thanks so much Beejay and Helene.
That was a lovely offer of yours and I do appreciate it Helene I might well just PM if thats OK.

Beejay what a really thoughtful and touching idea and I think I will do just that. A loving hug between good friends says an awful lot I think and the goodie bag idea is great. I know just what she likes and can treat and spoil her

I have come over rather tearful and emotional just now and on reading such caring and lovely replies and all so promptly after my posting here just now.

My friend mentioned she is going to try the 'cold cap treatment' so hopefully it will stop her hair loss or at least the loss of it all she hopes.

(member)

07/07/2008 21:19

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Sadly, I was in your position a few years ago, I really didnt know what to do and could have done with books or info as written by the sufferer.
All I could do was concentrate on offering practical help whenever I could When my BF was in hospital, I sent a card or notelet every day. But it was so difficult to find the right thing to do or say.
A couple of mutual friends and I used to discuss things together then take it in turn to keep up a sort of support system,and their support was vital for me.
But there is no easy answer.
Love to you and your friend.

(member)

07/07/2008 21:21

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Debbie
I haven't any direct experience of this but all I can say is you are an extremely caring and loving lady... that comes across in all your posts. Just do what comes natural to you and i know it will be the right course of action!!! I will say a prayer for your friend and send you lots of stregthening hugs x x x x

(member)

07/07/2008 21:30

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

dbverycherry, how awful for her and for you. I would just let her know that I was there for her any time she needed me, and to let you know at any time if she wanted or needed anything then you would be there. Yes do send a note and some flowers just make her feel that she is not alone whilst going through this. thinking of you both, Denzy x

(member)

07/07/2008 21:34

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Thanks Sally you are a sweetie and so kind.
I just hate the feeling of being helpless and not knowing what best to do for my friend and at such a difficult time in her life.
Just found a card which has the wording already on it and as one or two of you have suggested.
I am going now to post off in a minute or two.

I now things are difficult for you right at the moment ...
... I'm thinking of you

and inside it reads

and want you to know you
can alway rely on me for a
hug, or shoulder to cry on.
I'm there for you whenever
you need me.
Take care

Love and best wishes from Debbie

(member)

07/07/2008 21:39

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Debbie

That is perfect! As I said you will instinctively know the right thing to do and say... Your friend is lucky to have you!!!

(member)

07/07/2008 22:01

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Debbie,

Just let her know that you care for her and give her the biggest hug. Im sure she knows that will always be there for her that is what real and true friends do.

Beejay, Im in the same position as you, had my routine mammogram last Friday, and it was a brand new digital scanner, so I hope all will be well, you cant help but worry though until that letter arrives through the door.

Plasmo x

(member)

07/07/2008 22:21

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi Debbie...I am so sorry..every womans nightmare and happening to your dear friend...I think you do all those things you question whether you should do...you ring and write you let her know how much you are there for her...she is scared lonely trapped..and the last thing she needs is to feel all on her own...often is the case in sitations like this that people run...afraid of what to say..she is still your friend..and I would be yourself with her...no special treatment just carry on as you have been ,,there for her...xxx

I do hope she will be ok....x

My friend is waiting for results...??sarcoma...could have infiltrated muscle bone etc etc....we are both nurses...It has brought us closer and I ring her every day now....I think if it were me I to would want to know people were rooting for me...xx

(member)

07/07/2008 22:22

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi Lizalou and Denzy.
I think I will buy a living plant as she loves gardening. I can always plant it out for her, her hubby will water it.

I know that one in ten of us will have, some type of cancer, and at some point in our lives but one never expects it to be us or a close friend that it effects. This news has left me feeling so helpless and utterly unprepared for such news.

dbverycherry

(member)

07/07/2008 22:33

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Attempting to PM you!

(member)

07/07/2008 22:49

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Plasmo and Duffy.
I have tried to express to to my friend that I will be there for her what ever and when ever.
I truly feel it is one of all our worst nightmares and i feel am helpless in as much as what to do and what will be best way to help for her. She has a son in his 20s who needs special physical help and care and I know she will struggle as she is his primary carer and has always been. My friend's OH's work have been good and are allowing him time off but it is still a huge strain on the family.
My dad suffered with cancer that had spread to the lymph glands. He was ill in hospital for three weeks. I was totally worn out and exhausted at the end as were all the close family and including my poor dear dad.
I do pray I will cope and be there for my best friend.

(member)

07/07/2008 22:55

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi Debbie, sorry to hear your news.Im sure with a friend like you she will have the best support.As others have said your posts are always caring,Im sure being just you,as you always are,is all that she needs.I would certainly be pleased to have a friend like you.I think telling her ,how you told us,about how you feel and being there at any time for her,is a good start.All the best for your friend,and you of course, Suee xxx

(member)

07/07/2008 23:06

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Thanks Suee. I knew I could count on you lot to help out and give such good and caring advice.
Also a BIG and sincere thank you for all those hugs so far and to those who have taken the trouble to PM me, you know who you are

dbverycherry

(member)

07/07/2008 23:43

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Debbie, so sorry to hear about your friend. The words were
just right from a true friend, and what a lovely idea a plant for her garden. Bel xx

(member)

08/07/2008 00:34

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Sorry to hear about your friend Debbie.
I think the thing with this is why we find it hard to deal with is the fact that it could happen to any of us at any time, and its scary.
I think as long as you are there for your friend thats all you can do.
If it were me that was ill i would want my friends to treat me as normal and not make to much fuss about it and not be miserable for me, that would make me feel worse.
Just carry on being the good friend you are,
I wish your friend the very best for the future.

(member)

08/07/2008 00:59

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi Debbie - I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. I think if it was me I would make sure I stay in touch with her, as much as you are able to with your own circumstances. Whether it's a phone call just telling her that you care, or a card, or an offer of pracical help with whatever she needs. I think so many people back off when they hear bad news and it's hard for the person who's suffering when people suddenly disappear. You obviously care very much for your friend and I'm sure that your caring will shine through whatever you decide to do.

(member)

08/07/2008 07:21

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi debbie

Sorry to hear the news about your friend - definitely stay in contact with her - little and often would be my advice. Perhaps pop round with a card and a pretty bunch of flowers now so that you can tell her once again that anything you can do to help you will - then make contact again when she's out of hospital.

In my experience people are often inundated with offers of help when they're first diagnosed, but what they really want, although they don't like asking for it, is help and a bit of tlc as treatment progresses. It depends on what sort of support she has at home and how she reacts to the chemotherapy, but I'm sure a bit of company would be appreciated from time to time - or when she feels like it a short trip out somewhere where she's not likely to pick up an infection. Even if you only pick her up in the car and take her back to yours for an hour or so it's a change of scene and a break in the day. If she doesn't feel well enough to go out perhps you could think of something like a nice CD or DVD that she might enjoy at home whilst she's resting.

She may have a family to feed and not feel like cooking - you could perhaps take her a casserole or an apple pie that you've made that she could put in the freezer.

Not long ago Lindsay Nicholson, the former editor of Good Housekeeping did a weekly blog whilst she was being treated for breast cancer which gave some pointers towards what types of help were most useful - it seems to have disappeared into cyber space's black hole but your searching skills might be better than mine. If you can find it, it's worth a read.

If radiotherapy is part of her treatment plan - this usually requires daily visits to the hospital and it may be that your friend would be glad of someone to drive her there or just keep her company whilst she's waiting.

As others have said - you're such a caring person anyway that you'll instinctively know what you can do for your friend.

Hope all goes well for her.

(member)

08/07/2008 09:16

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi Dbvc

I have only just seen your post as I was out yesterday. I think everyone else has said lots of helpful things, so I'll just say I'm thinking about you and and your friend, and her family, and will remember you all in my prayers.will remember

(member)

08/07/2008 09:35

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi Debbie
Im sorry to read about your friend.

I wanted to just tell you about my sister who is going through a similar situation. Her best friend of many years has breast cancer and is having treatment. I had a long chat with my sister on the phone yesterday, because she is feeling so helpless about the situation. She told me there is nothing she can do to cure her friends illness but instead she is offering practical help, which her friend has accepted. My sister looks after her kids when her friend has to go to a hospital appointment. The kids are young so this is a huge help and relief for her friend.

If it was me who was ill, I would hope that my friends did call me or pop round. Even just to say hello or give me a hug, or help put the world to rights.

Anyway, I hope things will be okay. Be strong for your friend.

Love Bluebell35xx

(member)

08/07/2008 09:43

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hello Dear Ducky
I do appreciate all the ideas and suggestions from everyone. Even if you think I am able to cope and understand me a little from my few postings on the forums over the months and year

I still feel so useless and at a loss as to what is best to do to help my friend.
So all your help and advice and kind thoughts are very welcome.
I had a restless night last night and could only think of how my poor friend and her family must be feeling.

I did post that card off last night and today I have free so I will go and look for a small gift, not sure what yet. Think I will pop it round to her and before her treatment starts Friday.

My brave friend mentioned she is at the moment feeling well and not in pain now and hopes to go to the RHS Hampton Court Place Flower Show today as she is a member since joining last summer when we and her OH visited one of the flower shows held in the RHS halls in Westminster.

I know she will love her day out at HCPFS as I went there last year with my mum as my treat for her birthday and along with my daughter and another close friend.

Thinking about it I go up and will get printed out some of the best photos for our trip to the RHS London Show that day last year as so far I haven't got around to it. I only emailed them a few of these photos at the time. Thats reminds me I think I have a small album tucked away that will be suitable.

I guess what many of you are all saying, some of you that have meet me and know me well from my postings on these W&H forums, is to just go with my natural instinct.
Having the courage and confidence to do this to is another thing entirely and there I do stop and think long and hard before I take the next step.

I knew you would all get your thinking caps on and help me out so thank you all so much. I will be sure to pass all your best wishes and your helpful suggestions on to my dear friend.

Your future support and advice will be more than welcome so please stay in touch.

Yours sincerely Debbie - dbverycherry

(member)

08/07/2008 13:27

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Just be yourself and remember that your friend is still the same person she's always been. I'm sure you'll get it absolutely right.

When my mum was ill (oseophagus cancer that was only slowed by chemo and an op) she said that some of her visitors acted as though she was mentally ill not physically ill and were so different from their normal selves she decided she couldn't cope with their visits. I think they just didn't know what to say and were trying to avoid the C-word (also I suppose we all have the feeling that "that could be me!"). I know everyone's different but she just wanted to be treated normally by her visitors so that for a few minutes she could forget her illness and be herself.

(member)

08/07/2008 15:00

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi Debbie. Around 5 years ago a friend of mine (I have known her since we were both 16 but we kept contact only with Christmas cards over the last few years) rang me to say she had a brain tumour. We had a long chat and I asked her what I could do. She of course said there was nothing, she just wanted to talk. I visited her in hospital before and after her operation, I then visited her in rehabilitation and when she finally went home I went to see her every Tuesday. This was up to 2 hours' drive for me but it became a fixture and we both looked forward to it. As soon as she was well enough I would take her for lunch to one of her local pubs and then home again. The other thing we started was a �2 fund. Every Friday we would each put �2 in a piggy bank at home. The idea was that at the end of the year we would each have �100 to spend on a slap-up dinner, or on some useless frippery. That gave her something fun to look forward to in the future. We both benefited from the contact and happily my friend is still around, still positive although not completely well.

(member)

08/07/2008 16:29

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Debbie, I haven't been in your position but I've always remembered one really helpful thing a friend did for me years ago, when my daughter was in hospital - it might be something that would help your friend later, if she's feeling grim from the chemo. Whereas most people tend to make the blanket "let me know if I can help" offer (which can sometimes be so vague it's hard to take up), this friend of mine made her offer much more specific by saying, "what can I do to help?", or "tell me one thing I could do to help". By saying it in that way, she made it very easy to accept her help.

(member)

08/07/2008 17:30

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Issi what a supper idea the �2 fund. I am sure my friend and I will use it. The �2 fund as with other ideas suggested here will inspire others as well I am sure.

It is sad, shocking and a shame that 1 in 9 of us ladies will have breast cancer and at some point in our lives. Still at the very least we all can come and share on here and to get and give advice.
So many have done this here for me and my friend I am sure it will translate for others who find themselves in similar situations.

I have been shopping for my friend and I stuck to my 3 Golden Rules or DB's DEW's Rule when buying presents.

I always try to included in a present/goodie bag these three key items, be it for male or female, child or adult.
I never get any complaints as there is bound to be at least one thing that they like if not from all three

1. Sommething to Do
2. Something to Eat
3. Something to Wear

So today I got my friend

To Do
A relaxing bath pillow which has the words on it Stress Free Zone
Set of matching votives filled with sandalwood scented candles.
A womans magazine hand bag sized - Kylie Minogue on the front cover.
A desk journal covered with prints of British flowering plants.
A novel which said on the back cover it is 'Pure feel-good escapism.Perfect'

To Eat
A small bar of her favorite M&S marzipan chocolate
Two small packets of Herbal tea Renew and Serenity
Manuka Active 5+ Honey
Yogurt Coated raisins

To Wear
An small item of dress jewelery
Small cube potted white Gerbera flowering plant to dress her home with.

Phew that little lot took me over an hour to shop for but I think it is easily worth it for my friend. I'm sure I hit upon a few ideal things that she will love.
In the past she has done similar for me so it nice to be able to do this now for her.
Text her this morning wishing her lovely day out and said to treat herself to a plant at the HCP Flower Show and on me.

(member)

08/07/2008 17:37

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Debbie, that just couldn't be more perfect.... you are really such a lovely and caring person-that shines through on this forum.....

Just be yourself,I'm sure thats all your friend would ever ask for...

God Bless x

(member)

08/07/2008 17:53

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi there expatK.
Your to kind expatK.
Far from perfect believe me but I do try or as my OH says 'can be very trying!'
I do try to give 100% effort in life and with friends. I of course do not obtain to the 100% most of the time but I try. So as to not end up regretting things long term.
'There by the grace of God go I'
I feel this more now and in my friends case so I do as I would wish would be done for me. I know this sounds a bit cozy and possible twee to some but it is true for me and how I try to live my life.

(member)

08/07/2008 18:14

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi Debbie. I think so far the advice you have been given is super and the shopping trip - well such a fantastic idea. I would only add one more thing and that is, if you feel you can cope with it, tell her that you can be her buffer. Tell her that she can tell you exactly how she is feeling, no beating about the bush, whether it be physical or emotional. If you feel you can take it, she may well be grateful that someone will listen to her and she can un-burden herself. Its a big call for you because it may drain you, but it could be a gift which no-one else can give. Good Luck Debbie, you are being a true friend and I take my hat off to you.
All the best
V
xx

(member)

08/07/2008 19:31

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi there Bluebell, ChristinaB , Mary Mary and Vicky.
Thanks you all for your replies. Sorry I haven't got around to acknowledging them earlier.
My friend and I are, I feel, are ourselves in each others company and we do talk openly about almost anything and everything and as women tend to do and a fair bit of the time.
We did this even when she phoned yesterday evening. She was open, up front and honest at feeling low, shitty and spoke plainly with me. I in turn tried to be me and the same back. Not shitty but just understanding and if I couldn't understand how she was feeling I said so.
On reading your many views I do agree with many of you who have said the that the worst thing one could do is not to have contact and avoid the person who is in need.
I will be taking her her gifts along to her home and before her hospital appointment on Friday. I don't intend on staying but I will see how she feels and if I am invited in and go with the flow.
Talking of hats Vicky, thanks for that comment, I think us women wear many hats so to speak and we are always juggling.

Men, I tend to find ,don't do so well in such situations and when friends are ill.
Saying this my OH and his work mate have today gone to visit a work colleague who has throat cancer and is in hospital. It appears he is at at the last and painful stages of it.
I have meet both of OH's work mates when they have come back to our home for breakfast before going to France on business trips.
I am sure his friend will be psychically drained and sad after seeing his work mates like that but I hope they all take heart in the fact that they have seen each other and made the effort to chat and that his mates were there for him......

OH just phoned me to say they,OH and his work mate, have been to see him and things are not looking good but they chatted a bit and got a laugh or two from their work mate.
They had to take the train from Heathrow to the London hospital. I for one am pleased they made the effort and spent the time and money in seeing their colleague.
I personally think this is a difficult but a good positive thing for a chap to do for his mate who is in such a ill and bad way. I said to my OH, before he left early this morning, just try and think what you would want if it was you in hospital and so ill.

Life to me seems so unfair and cruel at times but one has to focus on the positive and not the negative or it will drag you down.

(member)

09/07/2008 00:57

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Gosh you are special Deb! When your friend is feeling a little better you could have a Body Shop party for her. The idea is to pamper her; close friends, tempting food etc. Body Shop also does makeup and skin care for people on chemo.

(member)

09/07/2008 18:36

Re: Info on Chemo ....The BIG C..

Thanks for that 'info on chemo' make up from Body Shop Ozzie, I hope they stock it here.
I went into the H&B health food store yesterday and even though they are not allowed to recommend things for such as cancer the lady did suggests and pointed me in the right direction. I got some multi vitamins, a tablet complex treatment for nail, hair & skin and some herbal tea.
Evening Primrose was also suggested to me

dbverycherry

(member)

09/07/2008 19:21

Re: Info on Chemo ....The BIG C..

Hi Debbie...it sounds like you're doing all the right things. There are 2 things that I can mention...

I went through this a couple of years ago with one of my best friends. After she had lost her hair, but was feeling ok in herself...we, and another friend, went shopping. For hats!! We went in shops like M & S and Debenhams and tried on all the 'posh' wedding hats!! We had a ball, and laughed so much. One of the assistants even came over to us, and said how much they had all enjoyed watching us, and that they could see what a fantastic time we were having!

These sort of times became very important later on when she got very ill. Thats where the 2nd thing happened. I used to visit her every other day in the hospice. I would make it my job to crack jokes, and try to jolly her along. Until one day she made a comment about dying. I started to get upset and jokingly said "now don't start that, I'll cry and I'm not here to cry!"...she looked at me and said "but sometimes I just want us to have a cry together"...

That hit me hard...I was joking around because thats the way I deal with things I find difficult. Sometimes you just have to be there for a good cry.

Sorry to go on Debbie...made myself cry remembering all that!

Hope your friend goes from strength to strength...hugs to you both xxx

(member)

09/07/2008 19:28

Re: Info on Chemo ....The BIG C..

Get a copy of What Can I do to Help? by Deborah Hutton. This book is great for telling you what you can do to help someone. Deborah Hutton was diagnosed with cancer and wrote this book when she realised that people wanted to help but didn't know what to offer. Invaluable reading.

(member)

09/07/2008 22:45

Re: Info on Chemo ....The BIG C..

Dear Snowdrop a big [][][]Hugs to you from me sweet heart.
I am so sorry to hear of your dear friend. Your story has brought tears to my eyes reading your reply to my post here. I had my dad say almost the same to me when he had just come out of a very bad session treatment. I had been putting a very brave and jolly face on things and all he wanted was someone to be up front and honest with him and yes have a moan and dare I say a cry. It was is hard to see a grown man cry and specially ones dear dad aged only 53.
I was the one my dad asked to go and sit with him and take notes when the consultants came around to give him the news. The news turned out the worst, ( both of us deep down knew this)it was that there was nothing more they could do for him and that the treatment was going to be stopped and just diamorphine and a drip to replace it them!! I cried my heart out on the way home that evening and had to pull over and two kind and caring friends come and collected me, one driving my car home.

Back to my friend. She called me tonight just as I was getting tea started. My daughetr passed the call over and I turned off the gas and went upstairs and had a good half hour chat about gardens, wet weather and touched on the Big C. I asked if I could visit and she said 'yes of course and great I would love it'. While chatting she said she had opened my card that she had only just got as she had been out most of the day typical of RM!

Phew I think others here have mentioned that often just doing what you think best works and to act normally.
I never before gave much and often no notice before popping over and she to me. So what I am saying is I guess I should have just gone wand how I normally and followed my instinct.
I made the offer I had made before again and very clearly and this time she said I will be the one she will call on later and if need be and when her OH has gone back to work.

At times like this one finds out how much we care for our dear friends and that the thought of life without them brings tears to ones eyes. I can hardly see this now as i type this. I just pray I can be of any little help and support to my friend and be there to cheer each other up and even cry with each other and if need be.

What Can I do to Help? by Deborah Hutton That book sounds ideal and made for the likes of me. Thanks Rowena2309 for that. I will check out amazon for it and asap

(member)

09/07/2008 22:46

Re: Info on Chemo ....The BIG C..

Sorry Deb,
What I mean't is that the Body Shop show you how best to make up your face. I don't think there is special make-up. Their philosophy is that you feel better inside if you look okay on the outside. I think they go to hospitals here as well, though I don't know how that works.
Selenium (found in Brazil nuts) is mean't to help with chemo too. You can buy it in tablet form at chemists, but there are some warnings regarding its use.
Blessed be.

(member)

09/07/2008 22:58

Re: Info on Chemo ....The BIG C..

No worries

It was silly of me in not reading
what you had said properly.
Thanks for letting me know about it Ozzie.

(member)

10/07/2008 14:15

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi, lots of good advice from the other members, I,m sure she knows you will be there to support her. The only other advice I would give you is just to treat her as you normally would, obviously give extra support when needed, but talk about the subjects you would normally talk about, and if you have problems tell her, she needs to know she can be helpful to other people. Dont be frightened of talking about illness or things related to it, she will let you know if she doesnt want to discuss such things.

Let her known she is still the same person she always was, she just happens to have cancer, but dont let that fact make you treat her differently.

Im sure you will know what to say and do, you are a very caring person.

(member)

11/07/2008 19:22

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Looking at things from the other side, as I was seriously ill this year. I couldn't have got thru it without knowing my family and friends were all behind me, and the phonecalls just to tell me they were thinking about me, were very reassuring. I agree that a nice card/notelet with a few kinds words is nice to receive, and the occassional phonecall.

(member)

11/07/2008 22:53

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi Snowy I am sorry to hear that you were very ill . You say you are through it now and I hope are fully recovered.

I am touched at how so many of you lovely ladies and forum folk have responded to this call for help.
I have found all the advice and suggestions so far overwhelming and just fantastic.
Please keep these all coming as I am sure there are those, like me. and others who sadly will be going through such a situation and will need support from the start, during and hopefully towards the end and while they are in recovery.

I went and got a whole selection of cards/ notelets today and will be posting them out to my friend when and if I feel she has a need for one. To hopefully cheer her up and let her know that I am thinking of her.

(member)

13/07/2008 22:41

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Has anyone had first hand experience of 'cold cap' treatment? How and why is it supposed to work?
My friend has had this and says her head felt cold for hours after. It is meant to to help retain the hair and stopping it from falling out due to the chemo.
How did it work for you?
Also what did you find helped the the smashed, jet lagged feeling after the treatment?
Any help advice or suggestions are welcome and I will be sure to pas them onto my friend to help and encourage her in her fight against the BIG C

Thanks in advance for your help from me dbverycherry

(member)

13/07/2008 22:50

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi Debbie. A couple of years ago I took part in Breakthrough Breast Cancer 60km walk through London. Whilst training I met a brave young woman, Helen, who had battled the big C and she had the cold cap treatment. If I remember correctly her hair thinned but she didnt lose it although the treatment was uncomfortable it was not unbearable. I have just looked for her email address but dont have it but will email another lady who may be able to put me in touch. When and if I do manage to get Helen's email address I will email her and let you have any more information.
Kind regards. V xx

(member)

13/07/2008 22:59

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Thanks Vicky for that. I am sure you will agree that any feed back and advice is good and I for one can use to help me understand and pass onto my friend when and if I feel she has need of it.

(member)

13/07/2008 23:08

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Just found a bit more info on a website for you.

The Penguin Cold Cap Therapy System is designed to reduce hair loss while patients undergo chemotherapy treatment. It is a system of cooling the scalp using a specially designed lightweight cap that is fitted to the patients� head prior to chemotherapy for the duration of the treatment.

Importantly, the system can be tailored by doctors to suit the needs of the individual patients, taking into account their health, hair type, drug type and treatment levels.

Ashford Hospital, South Australia�s largest and most technologically advanced private hospital was the first private hospital in Australia to use the system for its purpose-built Cancer Centre.

How does the system work?

The key element in the success of the cap is lowering the surface temperature of the scalp. Each cap is filled with a special cold-conducing gel to control scalp temperature.

It works by narrowing blood vessels beneath the skin � thereby reducing the amount of drugs reaching hair follicles � and by lowering the metabolism of the follicles, making them less susceptible to damage.

How is the cap applied?

Each cap weighs only 1.5kg and can be applied in less than 15 seconds. No scalp preparation is necessary and there is no need to wet the hair or to bandage the cap in place.

A special feature of the caps is that they remain pliable at very low temperatures and can be adjusted using Velcro tabs. As a result, they comfortably fit all head sizes.

How successful is the cap?

It can prevent hair loss in up to 80% of patients and is particularly effective against the drugs used in treating breast cancer.

How long does it take to work?

The degree of hair loss patients with cancer experience depends largely on the type of chemotherapy drug and the dosage being administered; thus the length of time required for the effective use of the cold caps is also dependent on these factors.

What are the side effects?

Generally cold caps are tolerated very well by patients; however, there are some minor side effects including short-term headache and feeling cold.

Do patients need to use the caps regularly?

To assist in preventing hair loss, cold caps need to be used before and during each chemotherapy cycle.

Regards
V xx

(member)

14/07/2008 08:15

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi Debbie
My sister had breast cancer over 6 years ago and her way of dealing with it was to talk - non-stop- about it! I was just needed to listen andd offer sympathy, but everyone deals with things differently. Some years ago a friend went through the same thing and didn't want people to know.
My sister had the cold cap treatment and it meant she lost only a very small amount of hair -not enough for anyone else to notice. She said it was uncomforable and meant she had to stay in the hospital much longer for each chemo treatment but she felt it was worth it.
Good luck to your friend.

(member)

14/07/2008 09:40

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Thanks Jennifer for the personal information and also thanks to Vicky for that website information. I was really after first hand experience and advice that I could relay to my friend but saying this the website gave me a good idea and insight as to how the cold cap treatment is supposed to work. Off to potter in my garden now as I might then pop over and potter and weed for my friend if she would like me to.
We have been textin each other each day and I feel this is personally better for her and rather than continually phoning worrying her. This way she replies when and if she feels like it and it is working fine so far

(member)

17/07/2008 18:59

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

I noticed this post has had over 800 views and so I can only assume it reflects the large number of ladies on the forum that sadly have personally have been affected by this dreadful disease or knows someone like my friend who has it or had it and been though all the trauma.
I am calling on my friend tomorrow for just an hour or so as her OH has to go out.
My poorly dear friend is feeling low from the treatment, has a cold and is PMT. It is like with everything good or bad it all seems to happen at once. Life

Two good things happened yesterday

1. I found a tree lupin at a nursery near to a good friend down in Whitstable . I came out with last two Lupinus - arboreus or yellow tree lupin, one for my friend and one for me to take down to my sister's in August as she had one but it gave up on her last year.

2. The same garden nursery had all their fabulous bedding plants reduced to �1.10 per tray. I brought 6 trays of plants 2 of each of the following purple salvias, snapdragons,in soft sweet pea colours, and 2 trays of large flowering double cream marigolds.
I will use half and give the rest to my friend as she to is a keen gardener and can always. find a place that needs filling and brightening up.

Please keep up with the advice and help here as it is helping me and I am sure others in a similar position.
Bye for now from me Debbie

(member)

19/07/2008 12:39

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Another day and more tests for my friend since I last saw her

One was a body scan which I gather was to detect any other tumors that may be hidden but in her body.

Chemotherapy every two weeks. Is this normal and how long does a course usally last?
What are the % of her having a complete recovery?

Anyone know these facts and figures or experienced them for yourself or from a close friend?
Please feel free PM me Debbie if you don't feel able to post on this open forum.
Help and advice is very much appreciated

(member)

21/07/2008 08:56

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Morning folks and what a lovely sunny morning it is here in this bit of Kent.

So where are all you helpful and supporting ladies?
You carn't all be adding to the CG post and the follow ups surely! :

I know not everyone and like me didn't go to the Covent Garden meet and are still about.

Does anyone know of a good drink that takes the nasty taste away that the chemo has left my friend with. She describes it as a dentist type metallic taste yuck!

(member)

21/07/2008 15:54

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Thanks to those who today PM me.
The information and advice was helpful and much appreciated.

You know who you are

Best wishes from me

(member)

23/07/2008 23:37

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....For Tish

Tish our forum member posted today on Your Lives about her daughter in law and her having been told she has a brain tumor and needs treatment now.
I am sure Tish and her daughter in law and the family will benefit from all your kind, caring and thoughtful messages and support.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all and for all who are suffering from or know of those who have such a terrible and destructive disease such as cancer.

(member)

24/07/2008 00:24

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....For Tish

Debbie - Scotland calling.

Being there and being supportive, treating your friend as normal, as everyone has suggested is all the best advice. If you need any more in depth info, eg about what type of chemo is she having and coping strategies, please PM me - I am an oncology nurse and deal mostly with breast cancer.

Thinking of you and your friend.
Carole x

(member)

26/07/2008 10:37

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C

Thanks very much for that offer Carole in Scotland.
I hope you don't mind but I have PM with a few questions that concern me but that I don't want to trouble or bother my dear friend with.

(member)

01/08/2008 00:16

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C

My friend popped over today a for a chat and a coffee.
Not good news on the hair loss front and more treatment and tests ahead and due for her and starting chemo again tomorrow. Thats how it goes and life I guess. Often kicks one in the teeth and when you are already down.

Very hard to know what to say or how to support and be of any help.

I felt terrible for her as her hair is so lovely.
She was trying to put a brave face on it but if I feel like this what must she be feeling like deep down poor love

Other news not looking so good either but feel unable to post a lot more information now and openly as things still need to be checked and re checked just in case, please God, the doctors have it wrong!

(member)

03/08/2008 11:36

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C

You're a lovely friend Dbverycherry, just keep on doing what you are, thank goodness your friend has got you, I'm sure she's glad too..x

(member)

07/08/2008 12:29

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C

Nothing from my friend for over 5 days?
I had sent her text messages over these last few days as I normally do and she normally texts me back asap.....

Phew just now she called.
Good news. Her tumor has shrunk and no reply was due to her phone battery had lost its charge and when I phoned her she was out!

My dear friend is feeling loads better this time and after her 2nd chemo treatment but has since decided to get a wig as her hair is falling out thick and fast and making her feel very down with the worry.

Going next Monday with her to help her decide on which wig to get and have a bit of a laugh in the process

(member)

07/08/2008 12:45

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C

Great news Deb! Getting a wig will do wonders for her self esteem.
All the best
Kerrie

(member)

07/08/2008 12:50

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C

Yes your a sweetie Ozzie Kerrie and that is what both think and said to one another today 'self esteem'.

Sorry I meant to add to my last post a BIG thank you to you Kerrie and other forum ladies who have been so caring and have PM me recently and who have been asking after my friend.

(member)

09/08/2008 12:46

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

I have been there, a few years ago now, but here are a few things that helped me when I had breast cancer.

1. when I went for my chemo it was good to have someone to go with, just to chat about un - cancer related stuff while it was going on.

2. I had chemo in 3 week cycles and for the first week I felt very tired. Friends would drop off casseroles, soup, any thing that meant I didn't have to cook that week and sometimes I put their food in the freezer for 'off' days.

3. Friends would arrange 'spa days' if I felt like it and that was very up lifting and reassuring.

4. Would have loved the 'goody bag' idea. Brilliant.

5. I remember I was given tickets for the Chelsea Flower Show for me and my OH and that was something to aim for. Luckily the show took place during the 3rd week of my chemo cyle when I felt OK and I really enjoyed it.

6. Take your lead from her. She'll soon tell you if she doesn't feel like talking on the phone, but the main thing is, try to imagine what YOU would want if it was you.

Hope this is helpful. xx

(member)

09/08/2008 23:13

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Thanks Linda it is always helpful to get such advice and from someone who has been there. Yes I agree it is always good to get a helping hand as such and at times like this for my friend. Best wishes to you and for your continuing good health.

From me Debbie dbverycherry

(member)

10/08/2008 22:31

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Debbie, what a lovely friend you are! I have just completed seven months of treatment for breast cancer too and have been very glad of the support my friends and family have given me.

I am pleased your friend had some good news about her tumour. The chemo can be pretty horrible but you soon learn how to cope with the various side effects. (They finally found a way to sort out my sickness on the last session - typical!) My two BFs came with me to help me choose my wig and we were crying with laughter! I got a lovely Raquel Welch one on the NHS but in the end have only worn it a couple of times on "grey" days as I wore the cold cap and only lost some of my hair. I hope your friend finds something she is happy with as, with everything that she will go through, it is so hard as well to look in the mirror every day and see a stranger looking at you.

I have been very lucky as the hospital where I had my treatments (Chemo and radiotherapy) have a Macmillan centre where you can drop in for advice and which also offers complementary therapies and relaxation classes for free. If your friend can take advantage of something similar in her area I would encourage her to pop in and see what is available to her - there is a wealth of help and support for all cancer patients. One thing I really enjoyed was the "Look Good - Feel Better" session where you are given a make up lesson with other ladies and a brilliant bag of cosmetic goodies to keep. It was lovely to be with other people in a similar situation and to be able to let our hair/wigs/hats down! Everyone left feeling glamorous and more confident to face the mirror.

Sorry if I have waffled on - I only looked at the forum for the first time tonight and was touched by your concern for your friend. I am sure she appreciates your support and is glad to know you are there. I hope everything goes well for her.
Take care,
Carol

(member)

11/08/2008 09:34

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hello Carolo and welcome to these often helpful, fun, friendly and caring forums of W&H.
Thanks you for taking the time and trouble to post here yesterday. I have only just seen your message as I don't usually go on the forums on a Sunday.
I must say I am a bit nervous going with my friend today to find her a wig so how she must be feeling I can only guess.
It was her suggestion that I go with her and she come and pick me up so I do feel a little easier knowing she wants me around.
The advice about the Macmillan center for help and advice I am sure she has been told but even so I will pass this information on that you gave Carolo as I am sure it will give her a boost and as you say help her. The idea of the 'Look Good - Feel Better' session is very good even in just the heading

This is what I hope the wig does for her as well.

Another younger good friend's baby is due today so there is happiness and joy as well for me right now and at least this give me something other than cancer to talk about to my dear friend today. Who knows I might even go and see my heavily pregnant friend at the same hospital today!

Bye for now and thanks to all who have PM and posted here please keep in touch it certainly is of help to me.
Best wishes from me Debbie

P.S Carolo waffle away as much as you like it does one good .I often do on here

some kind person is normally about to listen and help you.

(member)

15/09/2008 22:15

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Hi there ladies.

An update for those who have followed this post about my friend who has cancer.

I called her today and have been sending her a post card and a text message each week while I was away on holiday these past 3 weeks down south and in Cornwall.

My friend has been wearing her smart wig that I helped her to pick out from the surprisingly good selection avaliable on the NHS. She mentioned today that she even got it trimmed at her local hair dressers so as it would suit her face better.

Hopefully we will get to the RHS harvest show in London. Her October treatment is the week before so with any luck she will be well enough and feel able to come along with me to see the wonderful prize winning vegetables and flower displays.
RHS Autumn Harvest Show 7 - 8 October 2008

(member)

16/09/2008 07:18

Re: Serious help and advice needed please ladies ....The BIG C..

Fabulous news Deb. Keep up the good work!

(member)

16/09/2008 16:27