(member)

30/06/2009 20:33

Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Hello, this is my first posting and I am looking for some advice from anyone whose been there too. After 9 years of working so hard to get my partner to open up and let me in I had to face the fact that he did not love me as much as I loved him. I started going to therapy last autumn to 'fix myself' so that I could make my man happy but as the sessions progressed I realised I would never change him and I was just hurting myself by staying in an unhappy relationship. After a particularly bad day, I lost my temper and asked him if he wanted us to separate. He said yes, I panicked. After a few weeks I got over the shock and actually saw it as a good thing for both of us. I was helped in that decision by him telling his friends that he was leaving me - this in front of me. Last week he moved his stuff out and I feel really tearful, exhausted and daunted at the thought of being single again after so long. I live in a tiny rural village but have a long commute each day to work in a city. I'm 39. Does anyone have any feel-good stories please? I only have a couple of good friends ( I made the mistake of making my man the centre of my universe) and they are both married.

(member)

30/06/2009 20:43

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Hi Gilda and welcome to the forum - I can't give you any words of wisdom because I have never been in your position but I can tell you that you have made a very positive step in joining this forum. Everyone is very friendly and there are supper clubs and book clubs to be joined and meets to attend. I know this may not be what you want at the moment but be kind to youself - give youself time to come to terms with what has happened and then start joining in. Look after youself pamper youself a bit and life will eventually seem a bit better. A big virtual hug from Olisa.

(member)

30/06/2009 21:04

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Hi Gilda,
join your nearest supper club and you will find fun and laughter plus lots of support as we all have a story to tell. Sadly you have to grieve for your lost relationshiop but the good news is you will come through it stronger and clearer about how you would like your life to be and then who know's who will be just around the corner for you

(member)

30/06/2009 21:15

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Hi Gilda, like the others I can't give relationship advice as I haven't been in that position but I would say it sounds as if it is a good thing for both of you and perhaps instead of making him the centre of your world you can make you the centre of your universe now!!

Welcome to the forum and hope you find some positive things on here-I'm sure you will

(member)

30/06/2009 21:17

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

I separated after 18 years of marriage and I agree with Olisa. It takes time. You will have good days and bad days, but eventually it starts to get better. Give yourself some time, socialise when you can and look after yourself.
Take care

(member)

30/06/2009 21:45

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Thank you for your support. I have been thinking "I need a hug" for the last few days and a virtual hug is just as good as the real thing.

(member)

30/06/2009 22:18

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Hi
I am sorry to hear that you have gone through this and I know how much you are hurting.I have been married for 33 years and my ex husband has recently told me he no longer loves me.This came out of the blue and I am trying to get through it. its hard when he wont tell me why!
I also done have many friends as my life has circled around him. Prehapes we can try ans support each other.I am lucky that I have grown up family and a grandaughter and lots of work collegues that are very supportive otherwise I done know how I would have got through this

1

(member)

30/06/2009 22:46

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

hi Gilda
Its now a year since my husband walked out on me and the children.
its been a long and paingul journey but coming on here really helped. First I found virtual friends and then I found real friends through a supper club started in y town.
I joined a book club and then our supper club started a small book club.
Before that I didnt know anyboy=dy where I live.
its not easy and like me you will have days when yu are lonely and in tears.
But if you make the effort and get on here and get out there you will be reawarde,
my heart and a huge hug goes out to you, feel free to pm any time.
love
F!x

(member)

30/06/2009 22:58

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Hi - recently separated after 25 years of marriage. Only been about 5 months since he left with his Trollope. It does get easier, there are good days & bad days but through it all there has been this forum - I have made many new friends, everyone has been so supportive & it's so important to have new friends who don't have a vested interest or history - most of my other friends know both of us & have almost been forced to take sides. Here I get a new perspective on everything.

Biogirl x

(member)

01/07/2009 00:19

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Hi Gilda and welcome to the forum

I haven't been in your situation but have two very good friends who have. Both were left by the men they'd married and both were so hurt, but some years later both are now with much nicer guys and undoubtedly much happier.

Biogirl, your point about finding new friends who don't have a shared history or vested interest is a really good one. You both sound as if you are being positive and won't be defeated!

All best wishes

Mags

(member)

01/07/2009 06:42

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Gilda,
Sorry to hear about your break up. Have been in a similar situation myself (breaking up and not knowing many people locally, even the long commute) but it turned out to be the best move. I threw out my old life and got a new, better one.
It's always difficult at first but gradually gets better.
My advice to all my female friends - always have a 'running away' fund. Hopefully you won't need it but it's comforting to know that the safety net is there. And if you haven't used it by the time you hit 70, you can spend it on an adventure holiday!

Wishing you all the best,

gumpenscot x

(member)

01/07/2009 08:45

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Hi Gilda

I have sent you a private message

(member)

01/07/2009 10:38

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Just to say I agree with everyone's posting - plus, HAD to say - just LURVE Biogirl's 'The Trollope'.. Brilliant!

DO hope you call her that to everyone, including ex and herself of course!

What always strikes me about women like that is this - why would anyone want a man who is prepared to ditch his wife? Hardly a recommendation, is it!

All the best, Julie

(PS - I appreciate there are some wives who DO deserve to be ditched, mind you, and that some 'other women' are actually rescuing very put-upon men.)

(member)

01/07/2009 12:13

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Welcome, I haven't been in yr position but have found my circle of friends reducing, hence joining the forum. I am going to my first Supper Club next week and really looking forward to it. Keep posting and take it step by step, I am sure you will get to a better place.
Good Luck.....

(member)

01/07/2009 20:04

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Thanks biogirl. Funnily enough a Trollope in my village suddenly became his new best friend when she heard we were splitting up. She even helped him move his stuff out. He and I had a big row just prior to his departure and I imagine that she was very useful to him in making me jealous. She appears to be avoiding me - I can see her house from mine.

(member)

01/07/2009 20:27

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Thanks Lesley28. I have come to the conclusion that men should come with a health warning. I don't know if I will ever really trust someone with my feelings again - I seem to be too ready to give up everything for someone else. I need to focus on being ok with being by myself - I have found that the therapy really helps - I go once a week and really examine my feelings about things and why I behave the way I do. I would recommend counselling or therapy to anyone. I am trying to take things day by day. I was nearly in tears at work today a couple of times but then this evening seem to be ok - I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Just had some Ben and Jerry's ice-cream though - a hug in a tub!

(member)

01/07/2009 20:42

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Been there, done that ! Dont worry Gilda, it does get better, mine ran off with his slapper after 24 years of marriage. (trollop, slapper, they're all the same) dont you think it's strange how he had someone come to his aid so quickly ? Why does she now avoid you ? Maybe there's more to it ? Just a thought. Take it a day at a time, you'll have awful days but they gradually get less and less until you suddenly realise that you're over it all. They say it takes a month for every year you were together, that worked out about right for me. Just keep posting on here, especially when you're feeling down, it will help you no end. xx

(member)

02/07/2009 08:36

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Hi....I totally understand your feelings...I have been with my partner for 25 yrs and we had a very turbulent relationship...he moved out last sep, but still stays in touch and we tried to make things work...but all we do is argue and I know deep down that he is not good for me, the sad fact is we both still love each other..but now he has gone again and I feel crushed..I am sobbing while writing this...I have been at home for years bringing up children and dont have many friends..its the loneliness that is hard...if you want to talk more please message me...sorry I did not want to make you feel worse...x

(member)

02/07/2009 20:47

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Just posting to say hi and to send you both a virtual hug.
Foxie x.

(member)

02/07/2009 22:06

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Gilda hi,

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

I am posting because I left my husband after 9 years of marriage, with 2 small children in tow. (This was 12 years ago now)

It was the scariest thing I have ever done. Each day was like a mountain I had to climb just to get to the end of the day. I cried a lot,even at work! The only way I could cope with it was to only look at one day at a time. Gradually I was able to look a little bit further and allow myself to look a week ahead, then two and then a month. There came a point when I stopped having to worry and life just took over again.

The good news is that there is life after....and it is often much better. It might take you a while to realise this but it will happen Gilda. I think it is good that you go to counselling.

I have remarried to a wonderful man. Don't tar all men with the same brush, don't become bitter.When you are ready, Mr. Lovely will turn up.

Big hugs to you. I think you are probably doing better than you think. Read anything you can to guide you through the difficult bits and watch good movies with a big box of chocs nearby. Treat yourself often, you deserve it.xxx

(member)

02/07/2009 22:35

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Thank you ladies so much. It's nice to know there are so many good and supportive people out there - some of whom have survived the same kind of situation. I had an ok day today, but I could really do with a full night's sleep. I will take it day at a time and focus on the positives. Thank you all - have a great weekend.

(member)

03/07/2009 22:09

Re: Just separated after 9 years - how to pick up the pieces?

Hi Gilda I have also just joined the forum and also restently separated from my husband after 23 years of marriage. though slightly different to you as I left him I also have been to therapy which helped me to find myself and I must say I am alot happier for it I have foung the person I use to be and though it is early days I am enjoying my freedom. My son goes to his fathers every weekend at the moment so I'm enjoying friday nights to my self. I am 52 and going to do a degree in september which is exciting and scary at the same time hopefully I will make friends while doing this and get incontact with lost friends due to losing touch through my husband. Things are meant to be and though it might be hard for you at the moment I think you know it is for the best you only live once and you are still young go out and enjoy yourself I havew found people are friendly on the forum and have given me support in my new life I wish you well and hope to keep in touch and offer you support if I can good luck

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