(member)

19/06/2009 13:04

Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Me again, sorry but it's a very low day today and I'm struggling to hold it together at work, just hurting so very much - unexpectedly saw him an hour ago (we drove past each other in an area sort of half way between us not usually visited and I know he didn't see me). Feel sick, cold and shaking. Everything has come flooding back and the nights, days and weekends are just time to be got through some how. I know this is sounding pathetic and those who know me will not recognise this fragile person. I didn't think it would hit me like this and seems to be getting worse, not easier so I'm a complete mess. How the hell can I stop thinking, stop going over and over the memories, why is he doing this? Crying now but office is empty for lunch. Does anybody out there understand what it feels like? Rejection and hopes and dreams destroyed with no real reason? How can someone go from a loving relationship to seeming to deny my existence is such a short space of time? Got to stop now but please just say you know how it feels

(member)

19/06/2009 13:14

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Alison, I promise you it will get better. It took me a couple of years before I felt comfortable bumping into my ex but now (15 years on) we're actually quite good friends - the first few months I'd never have believed I could even speak to him again let alone socialise. The first few months were horrible and even after I started seeing my now husband there were still black days but they did get less. I kept reminding myself of ex's bad points whenever I felt one of those moments coming on - sometimes it did help! Many of us have been there at some point so remember we're here when you need us (a virtual shoulder to cry on so to speak).

Chrissi
x

(member)

19/06/2009 13:16

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Hi Alison
well yes do remember the feeling from years ago - & more recently hurts like hell -think rejection stays with you no matter what the circumstances
the only thing I can say is that I believe things do happen for a reason - no matter how vile you are feeling now things will become clearer in time and whether you get back together or not you WILL get through this time
am sure your work mates will mop you up and make you a coffee
we all have a good cry from time to time in private or in public sometimes , do hope you get through today and have some breathing space later today to chill out and try to relax . wishing you well and keep posting we are all here and probably been there too !

(member)

19/06/2009 13:23

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Chrissi - I know what you're saying, really I do but honestly can't think of any bad points (which is why it's so devastating) and seeing that you're in Somerset reminds me of a lovely break we had there recently at Porlock Weir. See, I'm turning everything round to the memories. Just want him back. Been hoping there would be a way to get back together and today has really hit me it's over. In the grand scheme of things I do know there are far worse things to deal with (I didn't feel like this when husband died, though) its just so sad and I'm obviously at rock bottom, which makes everything worse. Appreciate your reply and listening to me let it all out.

(member)

19/06/2009 13:35

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Now I'm in tears again at how you "strangers" are responding to me so kindly and positively. The sane, rational side of me knows this is just a wobble but I simply can't stop the feelings, which is why I'm doing this sort of thing (very new to forum inter-reaction and just want to make clear that the posting re African boyfriend/money loss isn't about my relationship, it's for a close friend!). Can't keep bottling it all up at work and for daughter, so may need to let go again here at some point.

(member)

19/06/2009 13:58

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Alison - it's ok to have a wobble, or two, or three. You are obviously hurting a lot at the moment. You will get over this, but it won't happen overnight, allow yourself time to heal.

Take care
Foxie

(member)

19/06/2009 13:58

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

I know its so painful and your rational side is right but it doesnt help the pain you can feel, and the physical effects from the pain, i think you need to find a councellor, the thought of finding one makes you think your a step closer to helping yourself because your the most important one to think of and not him, and if there is a wait for one, dont let it put you off, go on the list and wait for the to call, you need to give your mind some TLC and as you know the pain doesnt disappear and you need to spend a long time talking about it so even if you post on here its a small release dont put pressure on yourself if you find you need to talk more and more, just need an outlet and someone to talk to, and coucellors have so many more ideas and thoughts they can give you back to help you think from a wider angle and eventually help you help yourself to feel better, little steps, day by day xx

(member)

19/06/2009 14:07

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Alison, Although it doesn't feel like it at the moment, you can and will get through this.

Of course your breakup hurts and it hurts like hell, for a while you are going through a grieving process, and must give yourself time to adapt. Sometimes it takes weeks,sometimes months and sometimes years, but adapt you will.

Like you I have been put aside, more times that once, and the first I was days,almost hours from the altar. I thought my world had fallen apart and to me it had, but, the love of my family,friends and other relations helped me through it all and 28 years have now passed by.

It was nine years before I met my now husband who truely is the love of my life, yet it was to be another nine years before I would agree to marry him,so deep was the hurt and scars. Yet, now I wish, oh how I wish, that I had had the courage to agree a lot lot earlier.

Sadly,I did not have the benefit of having a forum where I could talk to total strangers, and they would help and support me as the girls on the forums do today.

So, when and if you feel the time is right for you, just come and talk about it, for there is many a listening ear, that will reach back out to you through the various keyboards and give you the support that you need like any other human being going through this sad process.

Wishing you well, and strength in the days ahead.

(member)

19/06/2009 14:28

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Yet more thanks for listening and helping me through this horrible time. It's so weird to be doing this online but I guess that's the age of technology and it helps when I feel my circle of friends could be reaching the limits of their "listening" and seeing the tears, despite assurances to the contrary.

(member)

19/06/2009 14:35

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Alison I agree with all the advice that the girls have given you - you will get there and you will have good days and bad days.

You need time to heal. I have been where you are - a relationship I thought was rock solid suddenly got terminated - i was like you - devastated - it took me a very long time but I did eventually get there.

You will get there - just hang on in there.

Dormouse

(member)

19/06/2009 14:55

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

I knew there would be someone out there who understood so, although I'm still feeling strange about communicating something very private like this, I'm glad I did let it all out.

If you haven't experienced the physical pain, emptiness and despair yourself, it would be hard to understand - I know I never would have, especially when in the "so very happy" part of the relationship.

(member)

19/06/2009 16:05

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Alison - I remember when the rug was pulled from under me and my whole world came tumbling down. It took a good 2 years for me to get myself back again. I look back now and realize it was the best thing that could have happened as that man changed me from a bright, bubbly outgoing confident young woman to a whimpering wreck. I became even more of a wreck when he left me and can't even remember most of it, it's all a haze. I am now a confident, outgoing, strong, together, popular woman who knows her own mind, has lots of friends and although I am still single (a couple of relationships since but never really went anywhere), I'm Ok with that, still hope for Mr Wonderful but I'm happier to be with "no man" than the "wrong man". Just hang in there, cry if you want to, be kind to yourself. It will get better but don't put a time on it as everyone is different. Take good care of yourself and love yourself.

(member)

19/06/2009 16:36

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Sue Ellen, I know this sounds so feeble but partner actually had no "bad" influences on me, just showed amazing patience when my teenage daughter hated him with a vengeance for coming into our lives (turned around eventually as predicted), supported me during loss of father and sister and I smiled each day at the thought of us together, it was such a warm feeling.

It all sounds too good to be true doesn't it but I'm not a "see things through rose tinted glasses" sort of person - usually very grounded - and it was simply a case of being soulmates. Trying to keep those memories, accept that something diminished on his side and I'll never know the reasons, but really do thank those of you who have shared your own experiences.

(member)

19/06/2009 20:31

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Hi Alison - sorry you are feeling so low, Ive been through it too many years ago but we got back together in the end and are very happy. Has he given you any explaination? Does he just want some time to himself?
If there is no chance of a reconcilliation you will have to take each day as it comes and try to plan things to do at weekends when it is worse, If you have lots of friends turn to them and arrange nights/days out- anything to take your mind off him. I know it wont feel the same but eventually you may start enjoying things again. Thinking of you. x

(member)

19/06/2009 23:41

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Alison, I have experienced the pain and sadness of a relationship that came to an end, and like you I could only see good in him although I knew he had behaved badly, ultimately those feelings delay your chance of coming to terms with the end of the realtionship.
The loss of a relationship is a grieveing process which will end in time, things will get better but for now use the forum and your close friends to help you through, writing your feelings down helps and using some self help books will help you to understand your feelings. Accept the feelings you have but in the meantime be good to yourself, take carex

(member)

22/06/2009 12:25

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Just sending you my best wishes Alison. I really understand the pain you are going through. I know you say he had no faults but I wonder how wonderful a man is when he can do what he has done to you without a word of explanation? If you took him back how long would it be before you tackled him about it, and how long would it be before you started to resent his lack of communication? I feel that even if you got back together it would not be the same. Stay strong. x

(member)

22/06/2009 16:17

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

I saw my ex today - 3 times! We split up in Dec 08 after 8 years. He had started an affair 18months before but had promised it was all over - it so wasn't.

You have to give in to the tears as and when you can, you are grieving, in mourning and really it is only a part of the healing process. Some days I am badly affected by seeing my ex and some days I'm not - when this happens I say 'well done you - he's not affected so why should you be'. Six months down the line and I am slowly recovering - you will too. There is no right or wrong way to feel or behave, and I say the next person who tells me to 'be strong/you are so strong etc' is in danger of being knocked down!! lol! You'll get better - just don't be too hard on yourself and expect to wake up one morning feeling as though nothing happened. BTW - a wonderful man treats people wonderfully, not badly. Take care x

(member)

26/06/2009 11:25

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Hi Alison. I just read this and know just how you feel. The same thing happened to me five years ago and I spent six months crying, going over and over it, driving my friends mad with phonecalls etc. I honestly thought I'd never be happy again in any way. I had counselling and I rang the Samaritans a lot. They're always there in the middle of the night when no-one else is. My GP was so worried about me he referred me to a psychiatrist. I can't take antidepressants so I was in a real state. But gradually things got better and out of the blue I met my partner who's a totally different personality. I realised that it wasn't my ex I was in love with but the person I thought he was.
Just get through one day at a time and don't blame yourself. If you'd like to speak to a complete stranger who's beenthere, pm me and we'll talk in total confidence.
Big hug

(member)

26/06/2009 12:27

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Alisonmg,
There is a song that says 'The only man you'll miss is the one you wanted him to be...'
Maybe that is so in this case, 'cos the man you wanted wouldn't have left you. The man he was did just that.

On the other hand.Is there any mileage in going for broke here?
Putting any pride you may have to one side, writing to him, making it a very measured letter, just telling him, you really love him, and asking if he would consider meeting to talk once more, perhaps asking if the two of you could make changes.....nothing to lose.Let me know what you think.

(member)

26/06/2009 22:37

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Oh Alison, I know exactly how this feels. Many years ago I was let down by a man who I though was the love of my life. I couldn't concentrate on anything and was absulutely useless at work. I even thought I was losing my mind at one point. It was a very scary experience, but the good news is I survived to tell the story and so will you! Just remember that the feelings you have do not go on forever.

In the meantime there are a few things you can do that will help you:

1) Make sure you eat well. No junk food and make sure you eat lots of fruit and veg!

2) Get plenty of exercise. A brisk 30 minute walk works wonders, although this is something you need to do everyday to feel the benefits.

3) Have you thought of keeping an emotional diary as sometimes this helps.

4) Pop along to your GP and tell him/her how you are feeling. Anti depressants can work wonders and will help you in the short term if need be.

Hang on in there Alison, things will get better!

(member)

30/06/2009 22:47

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

How are you doing Alison??

x

(member)

07/07/2009 12:03

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Hi I know exactly how your feeling, my husband of 25 years left me the week after we celebrated our silver wedding in rome. He is having an affair with a colleague 19 years younger than him and believes this is his last chance of happiness. Trouble is i thought we were happy. Its now 11 weeks since he left, he wants nothing to do with me and will only speak to kids on a weekend. I have been disguarded as his wife and the pain and feelings of total panic over what the future holds are hard to explain to anyone that hasn't been in this situation. One day at a time is what everyone says and it is just that. It doesn't matter what anyone says to you they can't make it easier for you but having a shoulder to cry on does help. Take care

(member)

08/07/2009 22:06

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Hi alisonmpg, I feel for you. I am still grieving after my relationship with the only man I have ever truly loved and wanted (didnt even love my ex husband that much!) ended suddenly too. Stay strong girl, Im with you all the way!

(member)

01/08/2009 11:52

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Hi Alison, I just registered today and felt I had to write to let you know that I am going through the same thing at this moment in time too. My boyfriend broke up me 5 days ago and I don't know whether I am coming or going. It's seems to come in waves where one minute I feel quite positive and then in a split second I'm a complete heap. One thing I have realised is that I have some really great friends who have been a tower of strength, but I still go home alone and that is when it hits the hardest.

So I just wanted you to know that I completely understand and am feeling it with you. I do believe that we will get there and become better and stronger women for it (someone told me that anyway so am trying to believe them!).

Take care Alison,
x

(member)

01/08/2009 12:14

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

WELCOME Alison.......hopefully you have been reading other posts and can see what support we all lend each other, plus fun. Glad to have you aboard........

(member)

03/08/2009 08:20

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel in many ways and to let you know it does get better. There are different stages you go through when a relationship breaks up and a very hard part is the acceptance that its over. You will keep remembering everything and like you said even the name of a place will bring back a memory when you were happy there with him or on a weekend away etc etc. That does fade..... Time is the only healer and that won't help you right now. Keep busy...you may not feel like going out at the weekend but try not to spend too much time on your own. Spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself. Give yourself little treats. When the time is right clear away things from your home environment that remind you of him or were his. Its day by day. My relationship ended after 6 years. It felt so raw and so painful I honestly felt I could feel my heart in pain. I managed to work hard as it was the only time I wasn't 100% focused on him. However I often spent 20 minutes in the bathroom during the work day locked in a bathroom cuticle crying. It was awful. I spent a month overseas about 8 months afterwards just to go somewhere I had always wanted to go and had no memories of him. It was hard to begin with but it gave me some strength back. When you're ready fous on getting to know you, getting your confidence back and enjoying some time to yourself. This was so hard for me but once I came through I stopped being so scared of everything on my own. I don't want to go on too much but let me know if you want me to talk you through anything. Its a few years on now and I am very happy now and a different person in many ways but I remember that time so clearly and would not wish the pain on my worst enemy. take good care of yourself and believe...You are not pathetic in any way...best of luck.

(member)

07/08/2009 15:40

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

Karin55 - just to ask if you got my pm? Not chasing for a response, simply wondering if I did it "right" (I'm a bit of a technophobe) and may have deleted by mistake!

(member)

07/08/2009 19:22

Re: Unexpected Relationship Breakdown - It Hurts So Much

First, welcome to Jualla. Sorry to hear about your situation - you're in the right place for support.

Alison - I can't add anything that hasn't already been said. Most of us have been through similar situations, some of us several times. Although it might not seem like it now, you'll come out all right in the end.

Stay strong

gumpenscot x

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