(member)

31/05/2009 17:24

Could I ask your views on this,please.

Some time ago my cousin died and his wife had not been accepted by his family during the time they had been married, which had been about 15 years. Anyway at the time of the funeral she made all the arrangement including the refreshment afterward. BUT when the funeral and service was to take place she was no where to be seen but she had arranged for the vicar to make an announcement that she wouldnt be at the funeral but was spending a quiet day at their favourite place and reflecting on the happier days and memories.
When I spoke to her she felt she couldn't deny the family their brother, she had had a wonderful relationship and happy marriage and felt she couldn't face the hypocrisy. The family thought she was just very strange.
The reason I ask is .....should my OH depart from us I could have a similar situation on my hands and feel that the same format would work for me
Be interested in your opinions

(member)

31/05/2009 17:33

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

Hi Jessica. I think this is a lovely situation where the lady realised he had the family connection and she didn't want to upset that. On the day - although I am sure she would have liked to have been there she had her time at their favourite place which is just great. I often think if anything happened my OH I could not face the whole funeral scene and would prefer to be some-where we had our memories but sometimes we are dictated to but it makes me think I may prefer to be some-where we had our memories. Hope this helps Jessica - I think it is a lovely idea. aec

(member)

31/05/2009 18:15

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

Hi Jessica

Firstly soory for the loss of your cousin.

What a wonderfully brave and very dignified lady his wife is, what a shame that his family did not afford her the same courtsey that she afforded them...

Despite how they treated her over that 15 years, over her own grief and distress, she put his family first, she ascknowledged them and gave them the chance to bid him farewell... at the cost of being there herself...

I admire his wife greatly and think what a wodnerful woman she is and what a loss to his family...

His family should hang their heads in shame and disgrace....she was his choice, his love not theirs....what a shame they had no christian spirit and good upbringing and take the view........ ok we dont approve or like you but for our son/brother/grandson/copusin/adn friend we will be polite to her and tollerarte her....

I may say I also admire your cousin for the deep deep love he had for this woman, and that he had the courage to carry on with his life regardsless of thier view...

If your sistuation is the same or similar then might one suggest that you talk this over with your OH first, just ot check how his view is on what should happen at that time.......

He may very well feel the same as you , but on the other hand he may not....

Again I cannot praise your cousins wife highly enough.........at one of the most distressing times in her life she gave people who treated her very badly and gave her no respect.......What dignity and strength of forgivennes and courage she showed....

Jacqueline

(member)

31/05/2009 18:42

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

Hi Jessica
Have to say I agree with everything Jacqui has said regarding your cousins wife - I think she is an amazing person. I am sorry you may find yourself in a similar position with your OHs relatives. If you really are passed any chance of changing your circumstances now and you would not actually want to attend his actual funeral but spend it elsewhere then your wishes should be respected.

(member)

31/05/2009 19:32

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

Hi Jessica - very little for me to add as I agree wholeheartedly with everything that jacqui said both about the dignity and bravery shown by your cousin's wife and also to agree with her that if you were to find yourself in this sad situation that it would help you greatly if you had discussed it with your husband previously.

Olisa

(member)

31/05/2009 21:49

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

wholeheartedly agree. What a wonderful thing to do for the family that didn't welcome her.

Jaqui summed it all up perfectly.

(member)

01/06/2009 07:53

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

Just to say how much I agree with all the other sentiments.

Pure class.

(member)

01/06/2009 08:51

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

I think you should be able to do whatever you want. A family friend hasn't been to a funeral since her finance died over 45 years ago. Her husband 'does' the attendance at family funerals (including her parents) as she can't cope with them in any way. I think she's very brave in not attending because she's had a lot of criticism over the years from those who say she's wrong in what she does but it works for her!

(member)

01/06/2009 08:59

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

Hi there. I think the lady did the right thing. My Husbands family have never accepted me, and he wants to be buried in the family graveyard, many miles from where we live and a place i cant return too .I would allow the family their time with him and just stay where we have our happiest memories.The body is gone, so to speak, but the memories remain and i will do exactly as your cousins wife has done.My Husband feeels very close to his family, especially his sister, and i would wish to acknowledge that, but also i would not wish to be where i am not wanted.
Best wishes to a very brave lady. xx

(member)

01/06/2009 09:25

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

I also think the lady was very brave but did she not in fact make a point too? The family must have been stunned when she did not turn up - but - in my view, if someone does not want to like you they will always find things against you and that family possibly now have the added pleasure of saying that "she did not even turn up for her own husband's funeral" which is a fact, whatever the reason.

I honestly believe that you should never make your strong feelings known at weddings, christenings, funerals or some such similar events. The reason is that people always remember the event. If you refused to turn up at a family wedding then you can make an eventual reunion even more unlikely and the animosity can go on with births and affect the next generation.

I have issues with extended family and whenever there has been a reason to make my feelings obvious I have always asked myself what is my duty and what is the right thing to do. The answer is not what I want to know but it has stopped me from exacerbating some tense situations and in the long term has been a real benefit. The only hypocrisy would be in pretending to like someone but that is not the same thing as being in their company for family reasons.

(member)

01/06/2009 11:18

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

Just have to say..... well done that lady.

I'm sorry you may find yourself in the same situation, this is exactly the situation I will be in. This has me thinking........ what would I do.... you know what, I dont know at the moment.
I would have to think long and hard and consider my childrens wishes as well.

Woodentop

(member)

01/06/2009 14:32

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

Thank you so much for your views they are most welcome.
I will explain further why I feel I must decide is based on past circumstance.
My OH mother died a few years ago. OH daughter from a previous marriage was 18 and hadn't seen her father or granny since she was 13. So when OH mother died we felt we should let her know. Cutting a long story short. Not only did the daughter come but the mother(ex-wife) and the bloke (who she ran off with) come to the funeral. To top it all OH cousin came in late, so no time for introductions, (who I'd never met) they thought OH was still married to ex-wife and thought I was the caterer.
Another couple who are friends of ex-wife who had known that ex was having the affair and drip fed little morsels of infomation to OH about his daughter which would worry him sick. They turned up univited because they had know OH mother, cant stand the b.....y woman. I've managed to avoid having anything to do with them since. They all seem to think they still have a claim on OH
So my point is when his time comes which I hope will be a long time away (and true things may be different, but he's had a couple of strokes) I feel I couldn't face them if they insist on coming, because they are just a likely to turn up at the service. However I would need to tell his daughter so as to tell the grandchildren, perhaps I could tell them when its all over, however our daughter and her half sister are very close. Tough one this. Hope there are some gems of help out there

(member)

01/06/2009 16:55

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

My Husbands family really dont want to know about my children even the one who lives here. So when the time comes i will arrange everything or allow his Brother to do it if hes around, and just let them get on with it.I dont go to the area they live in but my husband wishes to be buried there, so i wll say my goodbyes here. also my son.If i die before him then his sister or brother will take over, one of them will. My son has a learning disability and neither of us would want the family to upset him, we simply dont go there.My Husband visits them but we cant. Best wishes xx

(member)

01/06/2009 18:24

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

How sad and complicated family situations can become sometimes.

I do feel that funerals are important but that their purpose is largely to help the loved ones who are left. Anything that avoids conflict has to be the right approach . Even the most unreasonable relative should surely be able to behave well at such times and if they can't they are to be avoided I agree

Mags

(member)

01/06/2009 20:47

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

My Husbands wishes would come first but i know he wouldnt want any upset and i think itis a very courageous decision of your cousins wife and very dignified.Often a funeral is a coming together of the family and selective amnesia seems to take hold-what did WE do to upset etc, if some members refuse to come but as i say, i am in the same position especially regarding my son,and i prefer a dignified ending than a hypocritical lets all be nice etc, when we cant be !

(member)

02/06/2009 10:06

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

Jessica - my views are this. When someone dies, the ONLY people with any degree of 'right' to be at the funeral are their immediate family - ie, their spouse, their children, their parents, their siblings. That's it. Not inlaws or exes or friends. Or people that an ex ran off with...Or their friends.....

Funerals are private for the family. NO ONE just 'turns up' uninvited. Not even to pay their respects.

If and as that sad day comes when you have to bury your husband, then if you don't want anyone there you don't want, that's it. To me, looking at your situation, the only people with any legitimate 'right' are you and your husband's children.

Funerals are not some kind of social event, or public demonstration, or come-one-come-all. They are the last goodbye for the very closest family only. If that is what the closest family want.

If necessary, why not ask your husband to write down his funeral wishes, and then you can show any 'uninvited' that you are carrying out his wishes, and that is that. You might also want to take the added precaution of having a friend or official 'on duty' at the chapel/church to prevent unwanted entry.

At my own husband's funeral, I didn't even invite my side of the family, not because there is any friction, but simply because my side is a very 'noisy' bunch, and they would have overwhelmed the occasion simply by their presence. I just wanted the time to be a quiet farewell from me, and my husband's surviving blood relatives who loved him so dearly.

As to your cousin's wife, I think she made the right decision in the circumstances, and no one should criticise her for it - they should respect her for it.

Best, Julie.

(member)

02/06/2009 12:12

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

I agree with what most replies say. You need to do what you feel is right for you. Everyone of us deals with ;things in different ways and people should not be so shallow that they do not allow people to do this.

(member)

02/06/2009 14:48

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

Thanks Julie you expressed my thought so eloquently, its terrible when things keep going round and round in your head and you keep coming back to the same place.
Thank you every one else that help focus my views. I Have tried to get him to write things down even just his thoughts on the matter but to no avail so I will just keep nudging until I get something to work with.
Thanks once again

(member)

06/06/2009 02:19

Re: Could I ask your views on this,please.

What a wonderful caring person. Despite being the outsider she even thought of his family first on the day of the funeral.

I hope they feel awful for treating her like that. As for being strange - they should take a leaf out of her book.

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