(member)

27/05/2009 12:30

I feel i'm invisible

I am 50 and have been married for 24 years. Perhaps it is my age or my life stage but I am feeling more and more down.
My youngest daughter will go to Uni in September. My husband works long hours in a stressful job. When he is at home he is often pre-occupied with work. He is not a chatty person and we do not have many conversations. He often does not remember what I have said to him. This makes me feel uninteresting and invisible.
I am wondering what my life will be like when both my children have left home. We don't have any mutual friends. Our life is boring. I am wondering where is the companionship in my marriage. Perhaps my expectations of marriage are wrong.

(member)

27/05/2009 13:38

Re: I feel i'm invisible

Hi Ifdanny, and 'Welcome to the Forum', I quite understand where you are coming from,but obviously as I don't know you at all,advice is a bit difficult.

However, from my personal experience, as my OH is also in a stressful job, I have occasionally put my foot down and said No to shop talk, and insist we go out,if only for a walk and stop at a nice pub or coffee place somewhere.

As a couple we don't have mutual friends either, but I do belong to the local ladies group and have made many friends there, it's not W.I., although they are very good, but it is a modern version.

I'm going to presume that your YD is also your last child. If you don't work, would a job,part or full-time help you to fill that social void in your life. Or maybe, to start a course of your own choosing at the local college.

There are many ways in which to increase frinedships and I for one have found them right under my nose, i.e. this forum and a couple of others.

I combine a chat with my work,(I work from home) and often arrange to meet up with fellow forummers who are local to my area for lunch. We all have tremendous fun together.

Now that you have joined on here, by joining in, you will soon become anything but invisible, and find many other areas of conversation to discuss with your OH.

Ignore the fact that you are 50, so what, age is nothing but a number, build your friendships up round and about you, and who knows,given time,those friendships may eventually include your OH as well. It does happen,

Also if your YD is your youngest,then you may also be feeling that 'empty nest' syndrome, which has been very much discussed on here. Hopefully, someone will pick up on this and guide you in the right direction.

Wishing you all the best, enjoy the forum and its support,it comes by the bucketload. lol

(member)

27/05/2009 14:27

Re: I feel i'm invisible

Afternoon and welcome to the forum Ifdanny. Annemarie says it all really. Look on the supperclub messageboard and see if there are any in your area. Then you can meet up with other ladies for either lunch, coffee or dinner. You will soon make friends. Don't know which part of the country you are in so cannot point any out to you.

.....thimble

(member)

27/05/2009 18:39

Re: I feel i'm invisible

Hi Ifdanny - My children are still at home but my OH works long hours in a stressfull job too. He is either exhausted and switches off or snappy and grumpy when he gets home. it can be a strain when the children are around.
At weekends he is a different person - fun and caring.
The stress of work has alot to answer for in families today and I dont envy men who are trying hard to make a living in the current climate. He has been a good husband all these years - maybe you need to get away together and have a change of routine. Also its time to find out who you are and persue some new hobbies or supper/walking clubs - make your own friends.Perhaps there is a hobby you could both do to meet other couples and take his mind off work. Wishing you all the best.

(member)

27/05/2009 19:03

Re: I feel i'm invisible

Welcome
can only say much the same as the others - you will find lots of friends here and lots of good advice
re the uni - it is very hard to see them go but honestly after a while you will be used to the clean house etc - and once you get hooked here will soon be having whole new lease of life of that am sure
I know because it has happened to me ! Age is just a number I too am over 50 - only just 51 next week but feeling better about myself now than I ever had
so hold on - chin up and jump in !!

(member)

27/05/2009 19:30

Re: I feel i'm invisible

Hi ifdanny, you sound so sad and lonely!! I am sure you arent' invisible, you certainly arent on this forum. We hear you loud and clear!! Its rotten to feel the way you do but I think annmari has said it all hasnt she?? I am in the next stage to you, children are long gone, now its the grandchildren who are starting and finishing school!!
A big welcome to the forum from me and I hope to talk to you online. As time goes on you will find this fills up a lot of your time and is very addictive!!!! Hope you feel better soon.........June xx

(member)

27/05/2009 20:13

Re: I feel i'm invisible

Hi Ifdanny and a warm welcome to the forum

You certainly will not be invisible here. I can only endorse what the other forumers have said. You don't say where you live, I am in south London, if you are in this area you would be really welcome to come along to our next supper club meeting.

Foxie

(member)

27/05/2009 21:49

Re: I feel i'm invisible

Hi Ifdanny,

I have just turned fifty, have a daughter on the verge of going to University, (she is eighteen tomorrow) and a son who is 15.

I am on my second marriage and have to say I am very, very happy.

The only thing to blot the horizon is the fact that ED will be leaving home and in two years time, I expect YS will do the same when he goes to Uni. I have talked this over with OH, (their step father) who is brilliant. He has told me to try not to think of it as everthing coming to an end, but as a new begining. How I should see that we are building a future for our children and how we will always be here to support them.

He has suggested that I look for new interests to fill my time and that I should look forward to some 'me' time.

I am torn...I will hate to see them go, but I am also interested to see how we will get on together when we are on our own. We certainly have lots of daydreams about travelling together, which is exciting.

I hope you find a way to feel 'visible' again and that you and your OH work things out. I definately think you should talk to him about your feelings. Maybe he is feeling something similar and doesn't know how to tell you?

Good Luck, best wishes.xxx

(member)

28/05/2009 07:31

Re: I feel i'm invisible

Hi IfDanny

Deja-vue...........!!

I could've written exactly, word for word as you have done a few years ago. At that time, I worked part time, but that's the only time I felt anything but invisible once the kids had gone and husband so involved with work, I was a sideline.

I obviously don't know your husband, but is he someone you could talk to about how your are feeling and where the next stage of both your lives might evolve together ?? Maybe he truly doesn't understand, or even realise, Mars, Venus etc.

My ex was unapproachable, too involved in work, had no friends of his own and totally not into talking, and I tried very hard for years, but he would walk out on me. He realised his folly when it was too late, but by then, it was too late for me. We are still great friends, share the house, but have our own lives really, though still tied together with the business we are partners in..

3 years on, I am still coming to terms with being me and doing what is right for me and no-one else, it still feels alien to me, but it feels great when I decide something purely for me.

I obviously don't advocate this, but as a starting point, you need to try and discuss how you feel with OH and then intersperce trying to do things together with stuff just for you. All the clubs would be a good idea, if there are any around you, or maybe some voluntary work if you have time, just something where you find yourself again. We spend a lifetime of being somebodies something, now could be a new beginning of a new YOU !!

I really do understand exactly how you feel though and I'm sure a lot of us do......... Keep getting support from us all when you need to and joing in the Lives site too.

Take care.

Carsma x

(member)

28/05/2009 11:05

Re: I feel i'm invisible

Thank you so much for your support and advise. It made me cry to think its not just me. I do have a part-time job but it no longer holds my interest. Need to find ME again. Remind myself of who I am and where I am heading.
I have talked to OH but he doesnt seem to know what to say, suggest or do. Its always me making suggestions and I have almost reached the stage where I can't be bothered anymore.

(member)

28/05/2009 11:29

Re: I feel i'm invisible

Hi Ifdanny and welcome.

You've had some great advice already. I do recognise what you say about the effect a stressful job has on a relationship; also what skippy says about her husband being a different person at the weekend.

I think it will realistically be difficult for your husband to change how things are through the week but I would aim for making the weekends more fun. If you have a close and happy time then, you will feel happier generally, even on the days where he isn't able to show much interest in things because he's so tired and stressed.

I think it's going to be up to you to initiate the changes. He's probably too preoccupied with work to have the energy to think creatively. Can you plan ahead to do something next weekend you'll both enjoy - a walk, a film you'd like to see or anything you used to enjoy doing together in the past. Or get a DVD and snuggle up together on the sofa with a glass of wine... that's not too demanding for a tired man! Or breakfast in bed with the papers is relaxing too.

If he is basically a decent man who's finding his job exhausting, then a nice time at the weekend would do him good too. Through the week, I think it's important for you to do things for yourself; that's not selfish, because if you are happier and more fulfilled the whole atmosphere between you will be better.

The family is an ideal age for letting you have more time together as a couple and you're addressing this at just the right time because you have a few years before the house is empty to rediscover how to have a good time just the two of you. If your husband is willing to make a few changes I would be optimistic that gradually you could start to feel much happier; I hope so

Best of luck

Mags

(member)

28/05/2009 22:58

Re: I feel i'm invisible

Hi Ifdanny,

Welcome to the forum. I will echo everything the ladies have already said and then some. You are certainly not invisible, just maybe going through some identity issues possibly. If your role is defined by being a wife and mother and you feel you are not needed so much or getting much back from that role (or both!) then it is bound to make you feel lonely because you probably feel you can't make them understand how you feel and you don't want to 'burden' them with your thoughts. You really aren't alone there. As you can see, it is certainly not your age (I am ten years younger than you and I feel like that at times too!) it is just the modern pressures of family life these days. Men don't really communicate with us like we do, they feel they have to bottle it all up because they are men, I am sure your OH really appreciates you and so do your kids, they just couldn't contemplate life without you and what you mean to them but just don't let you know it so well!!!

Plan little dinners and days out etc to get away from house/work etc. My OH and I do not have friends we only have each other but I do my best to socialise or go out on my own and he has his time on his own too. Like wise Foxie says, you will not be invisible on the forum, any time you feel like talking we are all here to hear you. Take it from me, it is a huge comfort to know you are not the only one going through stuff, we are here to listen and comfort.

Hope you feel better soon,

dgt3

(member)

29/05/2009 12:48

Re: I feel i'm invisible

I am overwhelmed by such support. Thanks for great advice it is so much appreciated and it has really helped me to think things through. To realise for a lot of us woman it is the same. I am really thinking through some of these ideas and deciding how to move forward.
Thanks to everyone who has so kindly taken the trouble to reply to me.

(member)

29/05/2009 16:10

Re: I feel i'm invisible

Hi ifdanny
Welcome to the forum.
I felt so much like you do well still do at times. I am 47 daughter nearly 15 but felt invisible like you. I live still with OH but living now seperate lives, I had started to feel like you, nothing in common with OH, always the one to arrange things to do together, when OH didn't really seem all that bothered. Lost a lot of confidence. Just beginning to feel better about myself so do know how you are feeling.
Hope you can sort things out with your OH. I found everyone here to be so helpful, so understanding. I Hope you can meet up with new people in your area, i am about to do that myself. Starting to feel more hopeful, do hope you will start to feel the same soon.
best wishes
valley

(member)

05/06/2009 18:44

Re: I feel i'm invisible

Hi and

on here Ifdanny
My life and OH sounds very much like yours a year or so back now..
OH is happy with his own company and doesn't chat much.
I to got down and bored and so I came on here and in next to no time my life has changed and my group of friends has expanded.
Like others here have said there are real forum clubs to attend, new ladies to meet and also to just come on here and chat to. I am sure you will feel brighter if you pop on here, join in and make the most of opportunities that turn up.
Hope you see you soon .

Bye for now for me Debbie In Kent
I'm 44 this summer, a mother of two at uni and wife to one computer nerd but he is happy and lovely with it and it's our 25th wedding anniversary this October

(member)

06/06/2009 13:30

Re: I feel i'm invisible

Wanted to say

and welcome to the forum. Lots of good advice given already so I wont add more.
I am 56 and married 34 yrs our son is 23 this summer.
My OH and I work together at home and in school so I don't have much time when he's not around.That makes our marriage a bit unusual.
I do miss my lovely son but he is making his own way and learning to be independent at Uni, which is what we all want for our children
We are NOT so good when it's holiday time but we both like taking photos and walking in the countryside and of course we have our music too. We always talk, OH does much more than I do but both appreciate each other even tho we might not say it enough.
Do hope you can meet up with a local forum group.
All the best from Cecilia

xx

superbakerqueen

(member)

08/06/2009 19:09

Re: I feel i'm invisible

Hi Ifdanny.....welcome to the forum

I think there is lots of women who feel exactly the same I know I feel invisible most of the time.
I'v decided to try going to a lifecoach to try to find my way through this chapter of life...the first meeting is free so I can see if it suits...
I just looked on the web,maybe it's another avenue to try

If your in Bonnie Scotland...I'd be happy to meet up

(member)

09/06/2009 14:24

Re: I feel i'm invisible

Hello Ifdanny, I really can sympathise with how you are feeling, as I am sure thousands of others do! I think that the only way forward is to start talking - even if it means a bit of discord. Its so easy to fall into the trap of accepting whatever is 'given' to us by others when with a little bit of effort and determination we can change things. If you explain to your husband how you are feeling and that you are worried that you are going to drift further apart when your daughter leaves, and ask him how he feels about it too, he may suprise you. It is something worth fighting for - even if it means a bit of a row to get him to take notice.

He may well be as disappointed as you are, but think that you are content with your life if you dont talk much. Its not anyones fault, but if you dont take some action nothing will get better. He may have a stressful job, but that is no excuse for him not to listen to you, this is your lives you are talking about, every day that passes is gone forever, make sure that you dont waste the future.

My youngest left home 7 years ago and I felt exactly the same, but after a few months of feeling really redundant I decided that it was time I did something about it and was honest with my husband - i told him I didnt want to reach 80 saying we never had a cross word - because we never talked!!!!! Share your points of view. Be interested in everything and your life will be interesting.

And you are only 50 years young!!!!!!!!!!

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