(member)

22/05/2009 10:44

teenage daughter problems

Hello all,
I'm new on the forum and have joined as I'm needing some sisterly advice if you can.
I've had a good relationship with my daughter up until a couple of weeks ago, she's not had boyfriends as such, although boys have always been part of the social group she's in. She's 16 and just started dating a 21yr old, and it seems all has changed since then as she's lying and not keeping in touch with her whereabouts as she has done before. My husband and I are not happy with her dating someone so much older than her but as she would continue seeing him anyway we have not forbidden the relationship (I know it would make him more appealing). This morning she just dropped a bombshell by asking if she could stay overnight at his place tonight - I was quite taken aback and said no, when she asked again I said we'll talk this evening. I don't want to look like I'm supporting this pairing but I know it's natural she is exploring her sexuality and growing more independent, I guess it's all just come on so quickly. I'd appreciate advice from those who've been through it. Thank you.

Debra

(member)

22/05/2009 11:00

Re: teenage daughter problems

Hi Rivergirl
and welcome to the Forum
I havent really any advice as I had sons and they are all well grown up now with families of their own.
The one thing that occurs to me is have you met him and chatted to him. If he is a nice guy he should realise that their is a big age difference and at 21 he should know that this could worry you . Are you sure he knows her age? A friend of mine had a similar situation and the 16 year old had said she was 18 and the guy was horrified when he found she was only 16.
See if she will invite him home to a meal or a coffee so you can see for yourself what sort of young man he is ....she is very very young and personally, I would not allow her to stay over until you know more about him and his background and his life style
Good Luck
xx

(member)

22/05/2009 12:49

Re: teenage daughter problems

Hi Rivergirl
Like Splash I only have one son who is double your daughters age so have never had this problem but I def wouldnt let her stay overnight , apart from the age difference which is huge, she hasnt known him very long either. I personally dont think he should be asking her to do this either but then maybe he dosnt know her true age?
Good luck anyway, our children are so precious to us and we want to protect them but its very difficult at this age...

(member)

22/05/2009 12:58

Re: teenage daughter problems

Hi Rivergirl
I have an 18yr old daughter and can definately say that when she was 16 there is no way I would have allowed her to stay overnight with a boy 5 years older and certainly not after only knowing him a few weeks! I think that before you are going to feel comfortable with this, you need to get to know him. Does he live on his own or still with his parents? Have you ever met him - first impressions? That is a big age gap at the moment - when she is 20 you wouldn't think twice about her having a 25yr old boyfriend - she still has alot of growing up to do and 16yr olds are very impressionable.

(member)

22/05/2009 13:03

Re: teenage daughter problems

Hi Rivergirl
well I agree with all that has been said by other wise ladies
my daughters are 25 and almost 23 - I truly think having daughters is lot harder when it comes to sleeping over
I too think your daughter is bit too young and like the others advise you invite the new boyfriend over and get to know him a little
Your daughter will not be impressed by this am sure , but think it's the best way to go
Hope all goes well ! Good Luck

(member)

22/05/2009 13:39

Re: teenage daughter problems

Hi Rivergal , we had 5 teenage daughters at home at one point,and i remember well the issues!

I would not allow her to stay over at her new boyfriends house, have you met him yourselves?

To avoid coming out with a straight no! suggest you meet him, and get him to come over to your house for a meal or something, and you get to know him better for your peace of mind.

At 16 they do think they know it all, but we still have a duty to protect them too.

Is this the first time she wants to stay at a boyfrieds. At least she did ask. Say no but explain why, dont fall for any stories like "well all my friends can stay with their boyfriends"

it not easy saying no, but be strong.

(member)

22/05/2009 14:00

Re: teenage daughter problems

Thank you so much for your replies and support. I agree with you and will stick to my no and talk about why with her in hope that she'll understand something of my reasoning. Its a reality that a 21yr old will want something more from her after taking her out to dinner but as she has little experience in this arena I think I want to encourage her to come home after the romance and get used to dating rather than making it easy for her (and him). He does know her age as he is the son of a teacher at her school and used to attend the school himself. I've only met him once and he seemed nice enough although my older daughter (18) thinks he's a 'player' and not keen on him for her sister. How protective I feel!

Debra

(member)

22/05/2009 14:11

Re: teenage daughter problems

Hello rivergal, welcome to the forum.

I have a 15 year old daughter and am absolutely sure that at 16 I would not let her stay overnight with a 21 year old I had only met once.

It is really difficult isn't it not to give in but I think you have made the right decision.

Good luck.

Kez x

(member)

22/05/2009 15:05

Re: teenage daughter problems

Hello Debra

I have a 16 year daughter and we certainly would not let her stay at a boyfriends house, she has had a few boyfriends but none that are 5 years older that her, and like you would feel very uncomfortable about the relationship. It sounds as though she is trying to grow up too quickly which is exactly like my daughter. I think at 16 they are so vunerable, at 21 her boyfriend, I guess will have had some sexual experiences with girls (especially as your older daughter thinks he is a player) and she may feel pressurised into having sex with him.

I echo what all the other ladies have said re getting to know he better, maybe let him stay overnight in your house (in separate rooms) until you get more comfortable with the situation.

Not easy, good luck

(member)

22/05/2009 17:59

Re: teenage daughter problems

I agree with all the other ladies. It's so hard, but I would just add one other thing. I always remember my older sister arriving back one Sunday having stayed overnight with a boyfriend ( I think she was about 17 - and this is about 30 years ago). My father went mad at her, and as she stomped up the stairs she said " We didn't do anything last night that we couldn't have done yesterday afternoon"
I've always remembered that, because of course it's true. Everyone is right - you need to meet him, form your own opinion of him, know where/how he lives and make sure he knows your daughter's age, but ultimately they're probably already having sex which is why staying over probably doesn't seem to big a deal. The talk you probably need to have is a) about her safety and b) about her having a full blown sexual relationship. She's going to do it if she wants to, so better that you are seen to understand and be supportive so long as her safety - physically, mentally and sexually are not being compromised.
Good luck.

(member)

22/05/2009 19:38

Re: teenage daughter problems

I really sympathise with you Rivergal because I have a 15 year old daughter who is giving us sleepless nights at the moment.

My biggest advice to you is to make sure your daughter is on the pill.
When I was 16 I went out with a lad who was 7 years older than me and I ended up getting pregnant because he refused to wear a condom. Although I thought I was grown up I obviously wasn't mature enough to insist he wore a condom.

I would say no to your daughter staying overnight with him until she is 18.

(member)

22/05/2009 21:37

Re: teenage daughter problems

I would say no too. I feel concerned as he is an older man (5 years is a lot when you are only 16). Really, really feel for you as very delicate situation. You don't want to drive her off into his arms. I would suggest inviting him to your home for a meal, family parties, etc. etc. If your daughter thinks you like him, she will have nothing to rebel against.

(member)

24/05/2009 14:18

Re: teenage daughter problems

Stand your ground.. she'll soon realise what she's doing. I am so grateful that my parents were strict with me and I thank them all the time. If they hadn't been so strict, I might have ended up going down a few wrong paths. good luck!

(member)

25/05/2009 11:08

Re: teenage daughter problems

For my two cents worth, no man of 21 worth his salt would get involved with a l6 year old girl. That his father is a teacher makes it even worse - his father should have made it clear that you don't muck about with schoolchildren....

However 'nice' he is, this young man is exploiting the niaievity and youth of your daughter. He's bad news.

All the best - Julie

PS - don't suppose your older daughter could influence her sister could she? (probably counter productive, thinking about it....)

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