(member)

19/05/2009 11:37

Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Background: Young 53 - widowed 2002 when only daughter aged 10 years. Threw myself into work, settling unknown debts and creating new home on a shoestring budget for the next 3 years. Decided time to make new friends so explored Internet Dating and met 2 men for 2 dates before knowing that I'd found my soulmate (yes I know it all sounds crazyily romantic). Daughter hated him with such depth/anger etc that we sought professional counselling but happy to say that after 3 tough years, she's now accepted and grown into a lovely young lady. The problem is .... soulmate (we live 50 miles apart) started to "distance" himself and be less caring/loving after Christmas and has now said he needs some space and isn't sure of his love anymore. I'm devastated - talked of future dreams and thought we'd grow old together (he has older daughters and good relationship with ex wife). I'm not pushing for marriage, just can't understand how we have reached this point of separation so suddenly. Honestly no arguments or signs (I'm not complacent and do know relationships need working at!). Now feeling so lost and empty. Have to put brave face on for daughter and reassure her (who's felt guilty for being so nasty to him for years). Struggling to hold it together and have talked to counsellor myself, which is great because I can just cry and let it all out, but really need words of wisdom to help me understand what happened. If anyone else says stuff like "plenty more fish in the sea" and "you're still young and attractive" I will scream! Past 4 years have been perfect from my viewpoint (feel disloyal for saying better than 27 years of marriage). Appreciate any comments.

(member)

19/05/2009 11:44

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hello Alison and welcome. Sorry to meet you in such sad circumstances.

Other ladies on here will be more able to help you than me, but thought I'd send you a virtual hug and help to keep your post near the top of the list.

(member)

19/05/2009 11:58

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

This is no help to you at all but - halfway through your post, I cried. Maybe because I've been there (or somewhere like it) and when there are no clues - it's unbelievable, isn't it? We think: what did I do wrong? what did I miss? what's been happening that I've mis-read?

Please don't think YOU could have done anything differently, whatever else you think. We always blame ourselves and that's not the point. You will probably never understand what happened but eventually, you'll come to some understanding that it was HIM; that there were things you didn't know, didn't comprehend, about HIM - and that you could have done nothing else but trust him (until now).

And meanwhile, see your counsellor and cry; and keep your chin up in public because, when things go so badly, we can reward and praise ourselves, at the end of our day, by saying "No matter how bad things got, I <took care of business>"

If you can find it, a book I have loaned to so many friends is "Women and the Blues" . . . I know it's out of print, but try book-search sites, or even Amazon for second-hand copies. Would loan you MY tattered old copy, if I could.
Love and some more tears
Toffeekit

(member)

19/05/2009 12:18

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Thank you for just saying hello - feels strange to be "connected" to so many strangers but also kind of comforting!

(member)

19/05/2009 12:23

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hello "toffeekit" ??? and thanks for the contact. Yes, a lot of tears are being shed right now and I will probably never know what went wrong but DO know that I will get through for my daughter's sake. It all seems such a waste of two people who seemed to have a lot to look forward to but, even now when it hurts so very much, I do not regret our time together.

(member)

19/05/2009 12:59

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Welcome Alison

I'm so pleased you decided to join our forum. Like PatsyW I don't feel I can be of much help to you at the moment, though there are lots of ladies on here who will be able to send some positive help to you and who may have been in the same situation.

I just wanted to bob in and give you a hug and let you know that there's always someone on here ready to listen...think of us as a whole new bunch of friends.

Sorry not to be more help

Slick x

(member)

19/05/2009 13:15

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

There are dozens of reasons why things could have gone wrong but you'll probably never know the full reason (he probably doesn't know himself). I bet it's nothing you've done. Maybe he's just got scared of commitment and is trying to figure out where he sees his life going. All you can do now is give him the space he needs and get on with your life as best you can, make sure you keep busy and fill your hours so there's less time to think. At least you aren't likely to bump into him by accident!

Hope you're ok. We're here if you need to let off steam, have a darn good moan or just want a hug.

Chrissi
x

(member)

19/05/2009 13:43

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hi Alisonmpg..................what a sad post and I really felt for you. When you feel you have found your soulmate it must be devastating to then find that he has "changed his mind" for whatever reason. Look into your heart and be honest with yourself. If you did everything you could to make the relationship work, even if it was long distance, then you can hold your head up and know that the fault does not lie with you but with him.

Hard as it is you just have to accept that, for whatever reason, he just does not want to continue. Once you have done that you then have to decide how YOU want your life to go on from here that will make YOU happy.

I wish you all the best and hope you find your way forward that is the best for YOU.

...... thimble

(member)

19/05/2009 13:56

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

I can identify with your loss – I was married to my childhood sweetheart, whom I dated from 17. But not long after we actually married, he broke up with me.

OK, that was many years ago but I never knew why, he wouldn’t speak to me about it, not once. At first, I felt just like you – totally confused, lost. I thought we had a great relationship that I worked very hard at. How can you begin to understand when you don’t know why? How can you move on when it’s not properly ended? You end up analysing everything and feeling a fool for thinking you were happy.

For me (I was very young) I did meet someone else, got married and had children. My ex doesn’t cross my mind now but I used to wonder if we would ever have the conversation that we should have had, not that it matters to me anymore – but it did.

You may feel very hurt (as I did) because you feel ‘brushed aside’ like a casual date, not a long-term partner. You feel bewildered because he hasn’t acted particularly gentlemanly and moved on in a responsible ‘grown-up’ way.

You can’t make him talk; he may not be good with words, or not want to hurt you – even though his actions are doing exactly that. It’s very hard to get closure and move on.

I remember, the second wave of emotion after the initial shock was, for me, contempt. Because he wouldn’t talk about it, I totally lost respect for him; I felt he behaved like a boy, not a man. And I didn’t want an emotionally-retarded child for a life-partner.

You do need time to go through the emotions, I’m so glad you have spoken to a counsellor who can help you to accept things and move on. Not easy though, is it?

(member)

19/05/2009 15:31

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hello and thank you for contacting me - this is the first time I've ever "posted" on any website forum and, in this case, feel touched by the responses and kind words. Still crying but glimmer of a smile as well!

(member)

19/05/2009 15:38

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Chrissi

A big thank you for kind (and wise) words - I think maybe commitment could be an issue but I was quite happy the way we were. Coincidentally I've just had a text saying "could I give him some space" !!! Are you psychic? Will try to keep busy and avoid thinking too much - just hate the early hours of morning lying awake going over and over everything (sorry if I sound pathetic, I'm not behaving normally at the moment). Anway, it's really nice to have support like this

(member)

19/05/2009 15:44

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hi "thimble" - just wanted to say thanks for responding. I've been searching my heart and really do feel I did nothing wrong so although I miss him so very much, I do have dignity and lots of lovely memories. Just thinking back over some of the shared experiences makes me smile, which can't be all that bad in the grand scheme of things. Anyway, just about to investigate Open University courses in an attempt to stay busy but appreciate your kind words.

(member)

19/05/2009 15:49

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hello and thank you so much for contacting me. It's really nice to hear that others have experienced similar situations and, because we are "strangers" I don't feel bad about going on and on (even with close friends there's a limit to how much heartache they can listen to!), so even though there's a way to go before I reach your own conclusions, I do appreciate the opinions. No, it's not easy right now but maybe 6 months down the line I will be able to look back and be glad of the time we shared

(member)

19/05/2009 17:26

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Alison, firstly stop trying to keep it together, let it go, better out than in, R E L E A S E, then relax a little and take stock. You will think more clearly after that. Of course you may just tell me to push off. I have broad shoulders.

I used to rage at the furniture, go for a drive late a t night, open my car window and scream at God exactly what I thought of him. The I'd pull over and cry, go home have a hot chocolate and watch a dvd or go to bed wrapped in something comforting.

My marriage ended in violence after thirty years. Bit of a shock.

Anyhow, the distance you have between you both has nade it quite easy to not show his feelings had changed, or what had made his feelings change. Living that far apart for a long time makes it easy for him to turn up, be delightful, put on an act for a few days, then go back to his world. It also make sit easy for you to miss vital signs of change in his behaviour.

I learnt only recently that a man who is looking adoringly at you may actually be weighing you up and making decisions about what he wants. I really recognise that one, but only with hindsight and information.Anyhow these adoring glances mask the reality.

I am reckoning your daughter is quite grown up now. Perhaps as a young girl she recognised something inhim that you couldn't see, or perhaps she just missed her dad too much to acept him. Don't torture yourself over those issues. It's a done thing.

Your future? Not to concern you now. Right now you need to get over the shock and hurt, and let yourself heal. Make no major ,decisions, mark time. And most of all look after yourself
xx G

(member)

20/05/2009 09:20

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Wise words, Gigi, and thanks for responding. Yes, time to take stock and take each hour/day as it comes. At work I can be distracted and daughter is on study leave "revising" (whilst on Facebook/eating/listening to music) for AS exams, so she needs time from me as well. It all seems such a waste of lives, when we enjoyed each others' company and got on so well but, as you say, the distance may have been hiding subtle changes that I missed.

(member)

20/05/2009 10:56

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hi Alison

Hope today is good day for you.

Have you chosen your course yet?

(member)

20/05/2009 11:32

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hi there. I have just started OU Course Making Sense of the Arts. Just 10 point course but really interesting and it helps me cope with other things. I dohope you will recover soon, sometimes things are just not meant to be and theres nothing you can do, iv been there myself. It takes a little step to say ok, lets think of something else to give a buzz and OU Courses can be very good for that, you also get to meet people and iv had a lot of help affording the courses. Very best wishes xx

(member)

20/05/2009 12:02

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

I'm sorry you're in that situation.. I'm in a good relationship, but sometimes we do drift apart. Have you asked him why he's doing this? Perhaps he's simply not worth it?? If he doesn't love you anymore.. you're worth more than to wait around for him. Life is too short and I would say.. go out and make him see what he's missing!

(member)

20/05/2009 13:23

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Nothing in life is a waste, it's just another experience that allows you to grow as a person. If he's asking for some space then he's trying to make a decision. Give him the space he needs, if he comes back with a commitment then fine, but if not you've had some great times to remember and you'll have learnt from the relationship. Take time to be you (your daughter will be making her own life in a year or two so make the most of being together while you can), take any opportunities that come along and see where life leads (usually things are for the best in the long run).

(member)

20/05/2009 18:59

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hello alison

Can't add any more than the previous ladies but just wanted to see how you are doing and to welcome you to the forum. It's a great place to be amongst some lovely people. Glad you joined us.

Kez x

(member)

20/05/2009 20:30

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

every day will be different, ups and downs, but each one is a step towards the future and away from the hurt xG

(member)

21/05/2009 10:09

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hello Patsy
Just to say that I've ventured into studying again after "O" levels more than 35 years ago - just a taster course in Environmental Studies, but it's a start!

(member)

21/05/2009 10:11

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hi SueJane

Coincidentally I've just signed up for a 10 point taster coure as well - Introducing Environment. After a 35 year gap in relation to studying and even then only "O" levels, it seemed a more gentle way into things! I hope you get on OK with your own course

(member)

21/05/2009 10:19

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hi Kezabel
Just to say thanks for contacting me and, yes, it is helping knowing that there are others out there who have been down the same road or simply want to offer a little bit of support during dark days. I know I'll be able to smile again one day and hate how this situation has really knocked me for six, especially when there were no real "problems" before (unless of course I missed all the signs through being so "in love"). Anyway, I really do appreciate the messages.

(member)

21/05/2009 10:25

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Don't know what to say to be honest Alison and that will help but here is a heart felt and well ment hug for you and your daughter.
Wait for it

(member)

25/05/2009 16:54

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hi - I'm just new on here but I can so so sympathise. I'm such a mess I don't know how to go forward and sadly have no "one" friend I can totally talk to. My first husband was handy with his fists and has since died - second husband decided to up and leave to live with a friend. We're still not divorced after 5 years as he will not come to a financial settlement.
I met someone over the internet when I dipped my toe in the water sotospeak - we fell head over heels and made such plans - he would relocate and move nearer, concerts and trips planned but often cancelled as if he couldn't actually follow through. Even as I read this it sounds daft - now he has done as yours did. Just started distancing himself - he had the last three weekends off work and said we could make up for lost time as he's been working a lot. On the first one he decided a football match was necessary, Second - I just heard nothing and this last one - some matres had asked him to do something and his car needed washing. We had planned a holiday next month and as my self esteem has always hovvered only just above bottom after the fisticuffs, I'm so low now, I don't think I will ever get up!! Like you I was never complacent and worked at the relationship, always tried to look my best etc etc. I live in the Scottish Borders - east side and feel so reaaly "alone". I don't have a counsellor and as I have been married before, some people are of the opinion that i should maybe "call it a day" relationship wise

. The thought of never having anyone special in my life just guts me - sorry I'm rambling on and crying as I read this.
I wish you the best of luck in managing to work something out of your circumstances.

(member)

25/05/2009 19:15

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Just popped into the forum and read your very sad post Lindylou. You have really been through the mill havent you!! I just wanted to say hello and welcome you to the forum, I havent had any of the bad experiences that you have, but just wanted to say how sorry I am and that I am sending you very positive thoughts and a couple of hugs.

It sounds as if this last manfriend is not the one for you. However, you should not give up, those who say that are wrong!! There are some really good people out there who will treat you well, in the way you deserve to be treated, you have just been unlucky.
Try not to be too hard on yourself, you have survived one heck of a lot of bad stuff, and you are still here. You are a lot stronger than you think. Dont let this one man bring you down, you and your daughter are worth far more than that!!
Be strong..................June xx

(member)

26/05/2009 08:52

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Lindylou,
can you not force the situation with the divorce? Someone we know had their divorce finalised a year ago even though the financial side is still outstanding.

Relationships are never plain sailing and you deserve so much better than someone who's busy 'washing his car'. Don't give up on relationships, just don't go looking for romance, perhaps look for friendship instead (you never know where friendship will end up and if it doesn't turn to romance you've still got a good friend). The right one will come along when you least expect it but in the meantime try to enjoy just being you and doing what you want to do without having to think of someone else.

(member)

27/05/2009 10:12

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Reading these posts has reminded me that I have read, and indeed have experienced, that it is very common for relationships to "stall" after around 4 years. One or other of the couple simply gets bored and starts to ask if this is it. If a couple split they go on to someone else and the whole process repeats itself. If the couple stay together the relationship goes into another phase. In my opinion very few men will actually talk about how they feel and, as we can see, there are a lot of bewildered women out there asking what they can have done wrong. The answer is - it is not your fault. Men will simply not talk and so miss out on how fulfilling and enriching a relationship can be when it moves to a higher plane provided they are committed to it. I am absolutely in awe at the way men can move on. They rarely seem to beat themselves up the way women do. We can at least learn from that and not focus on our own shortcomings.

(member)

27/05/2009 16:26

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hi, thank you for reply. Also may I say apologies to alisonmpg for how it seems I have, by replying to her post, hijacked it somewhat

.
Re post - I cannot force issue as in Scotland everything ahs to be done as a "oner" but I now have a court date for July - so am looking to that.
Thanks and the best of luck to Alison

(member)

27/05/2009 18:18

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

chrissifi, i have lived apart from my husband for 7 years now, we got as far as decree nisi. when it came to sorting out the finances, my solicitor said that its usually better not to go for absolute until you have agreed financial terms. my ex didnt want to fill in the huge form E which is needed for a settlement (too many dodgy financial deals !) so we left it there. he's good to me financially and we're best friends now so i'm happy with that. i dont know what the law says in Scotland but i took my solicitors advice. my ex says he will never marry again (dont know whether his girlfriend knows this !) and at the moment i wouldnt either, but if things change then we'll sort it out then. if he dies before me, i'll be a very wealthy woman !

(member)

04/06/2009 15:04

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hello Lindylou
I've not looked on this site for a while, so missed your post. You certainly haven't hijacked anything - just sharing feelings. I'm still reeling from the shock and sadly each day is harder, especially with the lovely weather and nobody to share the time with. Also still talking to anyone who will listen and crying a lot. Counsellor says this is all normal grieving behavior but it is so hard to keep a brave face for work and my daughter. I think I know just how you're feeling, which doesn't help when you're awake at 3.00am staring at the walls with a feeling of dread for the future and all the love you're missing out on but ..... we are not alone. Just keep talking, let things out - write to me whenever you like.

(member)

05/06/2009 00:00

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hello, Alison.

I've just got onto this site and this forum for the first time. Yes, have been there, the 3.00 am syndrome is a hard one to live with! The Mammas and the Papas sang a song in the 60s with the line 'The darkest hour is just before dawn'. True, true! It's a lonely hour.

How is OU going? I did my degree with them, graduated in 2001. I absolutely loved it! I had no idea I could do that, and now I'm finishing writing a PhD thesis!! You have no idea where this will end!

Just a thought. You said your daughter wasn't happy with this guy. Have you thought about asking her why? Perhaps she picked up something you didn't? When my marriages were breaking down (two of them ... I'm on my third and last!), my kids were amazing. So wise. Have you allowed her to help you, or have you simply tried to be strong for her? Does she know you are hurting? Even though she is about to do her ASs, perhaps you could let her in to your pain? You might be surprised. And if she can support you, your bond will be deeper.

Going to bed now. Have a hug.

Nos da!

(member)

05/06/2009 07:31

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Lindylou, you said husband was handy witth his fists, has he hurt you?It takes a long time to recover mentally from this problem.Perhaps you are better off on your own for a while with daughter. Did she witness anything ?Perhaps you might as Doctor to see a counsellor or Victim Support maybe or am i entirely wrong, sorry if i am and very best wishes xxx

(member)

05/06/2009 10:39

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hi Gweni and thanks for your note. Daughter's reasons for initial dislike were physical appearance (at the time he carried a few extra pounds and she said I could do better - looks are very important to teenagers aren't they!) and then of course she was worried he would try and replace her dad. Over a period of 2 years of constant reassurance and seeing how happy he made me, daughter accepted our relationship and is now really upset for me. Initially put on a brave face for her - she wondered if being so horrible at the beginning was to blame for this situation - so I had to get that cleared up immediately. Now it's a different story as I cannot keep it all bottled up. She does all she can to help and I'm so proud of her but still concerned I am not giving her enough support through exam stage etc. She's not a very "streetwise" 16 year old - not yet had a boyfriend - and freely admits being unable to imagine the heartbreak, but we're very open in our discussions and show love easily.

OU is only a "beginnings course" at very early stages and I'm not very confident at the moment, but will stick with it. Congrats on the phD - that's amazing!

Just wish I could stop hurting, cope better with the sense of loss and emptiness and smile again instead of just dreading each day. Sorry to end on a downer - just ignore me!

(member)

09/06/2009 22:34

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

OK. Here I am, ignoring you ...! I wish I could give you a proper hug but here's an electronic one.

Why SHOULD you 'cope' with your loss and grief? It will pass, I promise you, but it takes time. I'm so glad to hear you and your daughter are so close. Don't worry too much about not giving her what you consider the right amount of support - she is going to have to be out there in the big wide world before too long, and she will have to know you're there in the background but she will need to manage on her own. You are helping her to practise for that.

Another thought I had over the weekend was, does this feeling remind you of anything in your past? In your childhood? You might be living out something from that time that you've never dealt with before, and that might be why it seems to be such a long grief. I speak as one who dealt a few years ago with stuff from my early childhood, and the pain was considerable. Every time something happened between my husband and me it triggered the early pain as well as the present pain. Everything felt so raw and sad. Have you looked at that with your counsellor?

And another thing. (Sorry!) Have you seen your doc? Could you have depression? It might be that the pain has set it off. If so, you can't just 'get over it', you might need some meds temporarily. Don't be afraid of that. One in four of us has, or has had, or will have some kind of mental illness. You are not alone. (I certainly have.)

Your confidence with OU will grow. It took me a whole module to begin to believe I could do anything! I'd always seen myself as thick before. Yeah, stick with it! You just never know where it might lead!

Nos da!

(member)

10/06/2009 17:11

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Gweni

"Virtual" hug appreciated. Well, I haven't cried today. Woke up at dawn again asking myself how it all came to this. I just miss him so very much. When husband died the grief was raw but there was no other way, now knowing the person I grew to love and trust is just 50 miles away and choosing to be without me is unbearable. Just feel empty.

Can safely say I have no unresolved problems from childhood and counsellor acknowledges I'm a pretty grounded individual, just completely floored by this apparently out of the blue rejection. However, the more we talk, the more it seems he may have commitment issues (hard to believe after 4 years of growing from friendship to what seemed like a very strong love). It seems that men with "commitment phobia" sometimes run when the relationship is at its best because the only option forward is "forever" and that's too much for then to contemplate.

I wonder if any other forum members have experience of this?

I've also seen gp and have short term prescription for zoriclone - not that it's making any difference!

OU is still hard going, probably because I'm not in the best frame of mind to concentrate, but will stick with it. Thanks again for contacting me

(member)

30/06/2009 22:35

Re: Relationship shock - Where do I go from here?

Hi
I have just read your reply re relationship shock. I am going through the same as you, and your reply is interesting and slightly helpful. I have been what I thought happily married for 33 years ans suddenly my ex husband told me in May that he doesnt love me and was filling for a divorce!
There is no explaination, I have been round in circles trying to find a reason, only a mid life crisis is what seems to be the explainaton.He gets angry when I try to discuss it with him.
Its so hard even with counselling, which is helping, to know at 54 how you can move on.I have got two grown up children and another grandchild due in 2 weeks time which is giving me the strength to carry on
Thank you

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