(member)

11/10/2008 17:56

You've heard this one before but ...

I thought that things were improving between me and the OH. But he's drinking more now, his *rse-hole tendencies are coming to the fore as a result, and Iknow that he's stressed about his job but won't do anything about it.

If I thought it wouldn't have any effect I'd leave. But he needs support with his job, and I'd feel like a complete cow if I left him now. Plus with house prices dropping, that would just add to the nightmare.

But the drinking is becoming more and more of a deal-breaker. I know that I've got some vg advice from you int he past, but I really thought that it would be ok.

Wrong.

Sometimes I look at him and think, I don't love you any more. Then I feel guilty for thinking that.

Sex life - pah! My doing, not his. I've never found a drunken man to be very sexy. And I've got to the point where I can't be bothered.

I sound like an awful person, but I a) don't want to hurt him, b) don't want to spend the next few years in a dying relationship, which is what it feels like (to me, if not to him).

I sound so selfish, but I'm really down about this.

Rant over! I know that some of you have heard this before, but it does me good to get it off my chest now and again, and this is the best place to do it!!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

BC40

xxx

(member)

11/10/2008 18:19

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

I should think you have heard this before, but have you spoken to him about his drinking?
Does he realise it makes everything worse, he wont perform so well in work, he will feel tired and depressed and grumpy with a constant headache which does nothing for anyone, including him. Sometimes I think there are times in life when you really need to tell someone EXACTLY how it is to shake them up? try it, it wont be pleasant but it may help long term. Good luck, my sympathies, you are in a horrible situation.

(member)

11/10/2008 18:29

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

Sorry to hear that you're feeling so miserable BC40. You certainly don't sound awful or selfish. The demon drink has a lot to answer for and it sounds like your OH is drowning his sorrows due to his unhappiness at work. Could you suggest he goes to see his GP? I know that lots of men wouldn't consider it in a million years. Would it be possible for you to have a talk on an alcohol free day to discuss the effect his behaviour is having on your relationship?
I hope things improve for you very soon.
Rainbow.x

(member)

11/10/2008 19:43

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

BC, I don't know what to say.

He doesn't seem to want to listen, and I'm sure you have tried almost everything to help him.

Maybe the time has come to put yourself first.

thinking of you

..wispa x

(member)

11/10/2008 20:38

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

Hi BC

Like wispa, I don't know what to say either. In my experience you can only talk to people if they want to hear and it doesn't sound as if your OH is ready to listen at the moment.

Regarding the drinking, have you thought about contacting the AA? I know they can't help your OH unless he approaches them, but they could offer some support to you.

Life sounds very difficult for you at the moment, keep posting I'm sure once FF is over there will be lots of other forumers to give advice. At the moment there is only a skeleton forum posting.

Hugs Foxie x.

(member)

11/10/2008 20:41

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

I've nothing helpful to add I'm afraid, but sending you hugs and supportive thoughts anyway.

[x][x][x]

(member)

11/10/2008 20:51

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

BC 40, it sounds a horrible situation. Living with someone who is so stressed and depressed but won't recognise it or seek help is awful. I wonder if the time has come to give him an ultimatum - tell him how you feel and that if he wants to sort his life out, you will help him as much as you can but if he can't be bothered to make an effort then you'll call it a day? I don't think you sound awful at all - seems to me that you are very patient and caring.

(member)

12/10/2008 01:12

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

In your situation BC40, I would leave. It doesn't have to be forever, but you seem to both need time to clarify your thoughts. I've noticed your posts over the last little while, you don't seem to have much to be happy about lately. Be kind to yourself!

(member)

12/10/2008 13:50

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

Hi BC40
I don't really have much advice at the moment as I am going through a marrage crisis my self to which this forum has listend and advised.All I can say is you deserve alife to and I know you feel guilty at times but maybe its time to put you first.
I will =be thinking of you sending lots of hugs.
Take care
eliza

(member)

12/10/2008 17:17

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

I agree with Ozziekez that you should leave. Maybe just for a few days to give you both some space.This will help shifts to start taking place because at the moment you're stuck. x

(member)

12/10/2008 17:32

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

Thank you for your kind posts and PMs - it does help, knowing that I'm not on my own.
He's been out today, and when he came in I asked him if he could help me with making tea.
'Yeah, sure,' he said, 'after I've watched the football.'
Why do I bother.
I'm feeling very sorry for myself now, and may have a secret cry.

A very sad BC40

(member)

12/10/2008 18:07

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

sorry to hear you are in such a horrid situation BC40. This time last year I had come to the end of my -very long- tether. Made an appointment with Relate and asked him to come with me, which to his credit he did. I know that Relate has a mixed press, but all I can say is that although we have since split, we both agree that Relate helped. We are still on speaking terms which has made the whole thing easier on us both and most importantly the kids. I also learnt a lot about myself and him. It might just be the shock he needs to seek help, and if not it will help you to see the situation a bit more objectively.

Am sending big hugs, and hope that things start to improve soon. Look after yourself x

(member)

12/10/2008 18:09

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

For you BC40

(member)

12/10/2008 18:29

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

I'm sorry you are so unhappy with your lot BC, to be honest I don't blame you, if your Husband won't listen or at the very least go to relate with you, he doesn't deserve you, the life he is settling for sharing with you at the moment isn't a life, you deserve more, you aren't a horrid person you are a lovely person, you are considering him in all of this, he is not considering you at all. I think the time has come when you think of yourself, be kind to yourself, this is the only go at life you are going to get, it isn't a practice, you deserve to be happy.....
Hugs {{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}

(member)

13/10/2008 08:33

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

Never feel guilty. You've done what you can. If he doesn't want to change and you've tried, you will end up trying forever and he won't ever change anything.

You cannot live someone else's life, only your own. We're allotted a few precious years on this earth, and they're far too precious to be unhappy in.

You can still be supportive but from a distance. You may find the life you deserve. He may find the life he should have.

It sounds as if change will only happen if it comes from you.

Lots of hugs

(member)

13/10/2008 12:21

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

I have no words of wisdom for you...just lots of positive thoughts.

(member)

13/10/2008 13:40

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

You can't change another person. Does your husband realise how he's making you feel? Most people I've known who are stressed or depressed to the point of needing medical assistance don't actually realise there's anything wrong. It's part of the illness. One person has said to me that it's only on the good days that he realises how bad things actually are (because he can then see how things should be, but if there aren't any good days he has no idea how he's affecting those nearest to him. Certainly if your husband has a problem with drink it's very unlikely that he'll be able to see it himself. AA may have some suggestions but can't help unless he goes to them - I think there is another organisation that helps people like yourself who are close to someone with a drink problem. Does anyone know who it is?

(member)

13/10/2008 14:26

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

You could try Al- anon who help support families of people with drink problems. Google it and it will give you their help line number.

Bunnygirl

(member)

13/10/2008 19:20

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

If I were in your situation I would have a good shout at him and let him know what is driving you mad.
Then go out and let him think about what you have said, it should make you feel better letting off steam and getting it off your chest.I think you are bottling it up and maybe he doesn`t know how you feel because he is wallowing in his own problems.
It might shock him into doing something about it if you let him know you are not prepared to let things stay as they are.
His reaction may not be what you expect.
Good luck and let us know the outcome.
Suzie88 x

(member)

15/10/2008 06:22

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

BC40 This is going to be terrible for you to hear but,WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE.

I remember your last posts and feeling so sorry for you and him to be be caught in such a downward spiral and here you are doing it again. How many times are you going to be in this situation before you stand up for yourself and say enough is enough I have done nothing to deserve this. I am presuming you're both over 18 and that you don;t actually force him to drink. In which case why are you taking responsibility for this relationship ? It always takes two to make a marriage work. Give him half of the job.

(member)

18/10/2008 22:14

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

I went out with a man who, i realised eventually, preffered the booze to me. He was never unkind to me, not dangerous, but eventually killed himself and his mum,who lived with him.I would be kind to yourself first of all. You deserve better. He sounds very selfish to me. Very best wishes x

(member)

17/11/2008 12:39

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

Hi BC40 - It sounds very similar to what I went through. I had 2 children, then aged 12 & 9. I hung on in there for years thinking that everything would get better.

One morning I woke up and thought enough is enough. To cut things short it is now 5 years later, I have a new house with a new partner - get on better with the ex and the children are extremely happy.

I think if you have made up your mind that you are so unhappy and do not and will never love your OH then get out - and yes you will feel guilty and it will never go away - but you have your own life to live.

Hope this helps

(member)

17/11/2008 18:41

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

bc, like all the other posts, i think it's time to put yourself first otherwise he'll drag you down too. strangely enough, my best friend came round last night in a similar mood to yourself, her OH was jailed for drink driving 3 years ago and lost his job as a result. she works full time and has 2 children, he lays in bed all day. he's had to stop drinking recently as he had to have a medical last week to see if he could get his licence back but now thats over and done with, he's gone back to normal, drunk. she can't bear the thought of him sleeping with her now, drunk or sober. she's decided to give him an ultimatum but i think the only thing that will work is to go. it's a hard choice but you shouldn't have to be on the receiving end of his problems. hope you manage to decide whats best for you.
xxx

(member)

18/11/2008 00:21

Re: You've heard this one before but ...

Hi BC

It's a very hard thing to do but trust me it will be for the best in the long run.

I am much happier now than I was this time last year.

You only have one life to live, and at present you are living half of one, I know I was you!

Good Luck

Sx

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