Wardrobemistress

(member)

01/10/2008 11:08

Death of my father

My father died suddenly three weeks ago. We only knew what was wrong with him 3 days before he died. He had kidney cancer but contracted C Difficile whilst in hospital. My mother lives 275 miles away and is elderly although she has a lot of family and friends aound her. I am an only child. I have just moved to a new area and am feeling distressed and isolated. My (new) GP was no help whatsoever. Any one have any tips on how to cope?

(member)

01/10/2008 11:31

Re: Death of my father

Hello Wardrobemistress. What sad news and even more sad that this has happened on top of a house move and that you are feeling so unsupported and isolated. I'm not going to suggest anything off the top of my head but will come back to you if I think of anything useful. This is a really supportive and friendly forum and I'm sure you'll have lots of constructive ideas from other members. In the meantime, I'm thinking of you and wishing you well. Take care.

Sweetpeasue

(member)

01/10/2008 11:31

Re: Death of my father

I have no tips on how to cope Wardrobemistress, but I am so sorry to hear of your dad's death.

I'm sure lots of the lovely ladies on this forum will be able to give you some very good advice.

My thoughts are with you.xx

(member)

01/10/2008 11:34

Re: Death of my father

So sorry to hear of your father's death.
I am an only child too and it hits very hard.You don't get over it, you just get used to it in time...I still think of my parents every day.
Which part of the country do you live in?
And are you in a relationship yourself?

You are very welcome to pm me if you would like to.
xxxxxxxx

(member)

01/10/2008 11:38

Re: Death of my father

Hello Wardrobemistress

So sorry to hear your news.

Not sure what to suggest, are there any bereavement groups within your area. It may help to talk to people who are in the same situation as you.

Take care
Kim xx

(member)

01/10/2008 11:41

Re: Death of my father

Hi Wardrobemistress. So very sorry to hear your sad news.

I am also an only child and lost my dad a few years ago. I have no tips to give other than to say hang on in, it will get better.

My thoughts are with you. xx

(member)

01/10/2008 11:48

Re: Death of my father

My thoughts are with you at this very sad time.

(member)

01/10/2008 11:55

Re: Death of my father

Hi Wardrobemistress. So very sorry to hear your sad news. I lost my dad a year ago after a very long illness, so know how upset and sad you must be feeling. I also live away from my hometown and would appreciate finding a friend! hence I am new to the forum! Everyone seems very friendly on here and I hope this will cheer you to know that we are all here ready to drop you a line when the going gets tough. Feel free to email me. I'm living in Lincoln. Hugs.

(member)

01/10/2008 12:16

Re: Death of my father

I was so sorry to read of your loss Wardrobemistress.
My thoughts and prayers are with you right now.

As others have said and I add 'time does heal' and will help you a little now but it does take time.

My dear dad was ill for only 3 weeks with cancer and before he died at only 53.

I would ask, if I was you and if you feel you can, to see another GP and find or go to get some sort of bereavement advice and possibly go to bereavement counselling group if you still feel you need support of any kind.

Try Bupa's health factsheet
Click on this link below to view

http://hcd2.bupa.co.uk/fact_sheets/mosby_factsheets/Bereavement.html -

To me it is a good fact sheet and one soon understands grief is 'normal' and so are you

So this is my advice for you Wardrobemistress. That and come on here and talk to the ladies on these often fun, friendly, helpful and caring W&H forums here. Many will stop and listern to you and I am sure try to be of some help to you and how you are feeling right now.

Sincerely and best wishes.
Hugs from me Debbie - dbverycherry

(member)

01/10/2008 12:34

Re: Death of my father

Hi Wardrobemistress

Im so sorry to hear about your father. I lost my mother in law suddenly 4 weeks ago, she was like a mother to me as I had lost my own dear mother 18 years earlier. I know from my previous experience that it does take a long time and you never really get over it you just learn to live with it. However, at this early stage this is when everyone is getting on with their own lives and you still feel numb but life still goes on around you but you don't just feel part of it. I know because that's how Im feeling at this moment. There is no answer, just keep being strong, it must be so difficult living far away but things will get better and you will make plenty of new friends on here. Pm me if you want to chat. Take care now xx

(member)

01/10/2008 12:46

Re: Death of my father

Hi Wardrobemistress.

Lost my Dad in January, he had only been in hospital just over a week. It was a shock, because you always think that you will have a few more weeks or months together.

Don't try and cope, just give into your feeelings. Grieving is normal, so don't try and move on until you are ready. Some days will be worse than others for a bit.

But try and remember the good times you had togetether, the things he said.

thinking of you

..wispa x

(member)

01/10/2008 13:08

Re: Death of my father

Hello Wardrobemistress
Just to say I'm thinking of you at this sad time
Bx

(member)

01/10/2008 13:35

Re: Death of my father

Hello WM, I was so sorry to hear about the death of your father, that must be so hard for you, having lost my own some years ago, it does take time to heal.
I think Kimberleys suggestion to contact a bereavement group is a good idea, try the Citizens advice I found them very helpful, when my Dad died.
Are you into the Church, maybe a church group in your area, might help you make new friends and also help with your loss.
Keep joining in on here, it will help us to get to know you more and you will begin to feel part of the forum and like we are your new friends. Take care.

(member)

01/10/2008 13:45

Re: Death of my father

Nothing much to add to what has already been said. I expect your GP was maybe thinking that your were looking for anti depressants and was unhappy about prescribing them so soon after your father's passing. Grief is something we have to go through. It's a natural and horrible phase. Can you take any comfort that he passed quickly and without a long protracted illness. It's not much of a bright side, but it helped me when my Dad died after a few days in hospital.

Sounds like a good suggestion to find a support group, or perhaps a counsellor to talk things over with even if a few sessions.

If there is anything I can help with, you can see where I am. Remember time heals.

(member)

01/10/2008 13:46

Re: Death of my father

Hi Wardrobemistress, I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your father. It must be such a terrible shock to you as it was something that happened so suddenly.

I was just wondering if you should go back to your Dr and explain that you need some support. Perhaps he/she could give you some anti depressants which may help you in the short term or refer you somewhere for grievance counselling. Don't be afraid to ask for help and explain to your Doctor that your father died suddenly and you are in terrible shock.

Remember that the feelings that you are experiencing are perfectly normal and you won't always feel the way you are feeling today.

The Citizens Advice Bureau would be able to advise you on the practical side of things if you need it.

Lots of people post on this forum if they are feeling low or are in need of some emotional support. Come back to us if you need us, we are always here.

Jane X

(member)

01/10/2008 15:29

Re: Death of my father

Hi Wardrobemistress, Good that you posted .Lots of ladies on here to talk to, to have a moan to, grumble to, etc the whole of (well a big slice of ...) humanity pops in here for a chat or maybe just to read at times, it is a comfort to know that we re not alone, ever.We don't have to soldier on, we can share, and just be there for each other,Easy does it
Upsadaisy

(member)

01/10/2008 15:54

Re: Death of my father

Hello Wardrobemistress,

So sorry to hear of your father's death. A sudden death isn't easy to deal with, it leaves you in such a state of shock. But the 'depression' you are feeling is a normal part of bereavement. It can't be easy being so far away from you Mum, as my daughter and I are grieving together for my husband, and her support has been the best.
I had help from a Cruse counsellor earlier this year, she helped me come to terms with my husband's death in August 2007. The BUPA fact sheet that Debbie mentioned is good too. Cruse are easy to contact - website and in the phone book.
I have to say that 1 year on I am feeling more positive and the down times are fewer and shorter, but no less deep. Just be kind to yourself, don't expect too much and take each day as it comes.
Thinking of you.
FrancesM

(member)

01/10/2008 16:53

Re: Death of my father

So sorry to hear of your loss Wardrobemistress I agree with Wispa about the coping, it wasn't until I had Cruse councelling after my husband had died that I realised I was still coping and not getting on with the greiving, you are entitled to be very sad and upset, it will get better, you won't forget, but it will all get easier to deal with. Be very kind to yourself take things slowly and I highly recommend Cruse if you need support.

(member)

01/10/2008 17:46

Re: Death of my father

Hi Wardrobemistress. So sorry to hear about your father. I am wondering if there is any way you could go and spend a few days with your mother? I suspect you might feeling lonely for her just now as well (whatever your relationship with her is like) I ALSO WOULD try Cruse, the bacp website will give you a list of private counsellors and if you google "counselling" plus the name of your nearest big town you might get something useful that costs less. If you live in Scotland I have more idea of what is gong on in the counselling world if you think that kind of help would be useful - its not for everyone.

(member)

01/10/2008 21:14

Re: Death of my father

Hello wardrobemistress, something just drew me to reply to you - |I don't use the forum very often as with working and having two children (12 and 15 ) to run around after I don't have a lot of time. However I really feel for you at this time and I wish I could think of some words to pass on to you to help you feel at least a tiny wee bit better. All I can say is I am sure your father would want you to be content in yourself and know he is not suffering anymore. I send you my deepest sympathy and love.

(member)

01/10/2008 21:19

Re: Death of my father

Hi - so sorry to hear about your father's death. I have been there myself so lots of sympathy. Although you probably won't believe it now when you are feeling so raw and vulnerable, it does get easier with time. You will never forget and the scar is always there, but your loss with soften. At present your memories are tied up with the end of your father's life, but other happier times will come back to you.

I found it very helpful to look at family photos right from when I was a child. Grief is very natural so don't bottle it up, I truly believe it is necessary in order to move forward.
Hugs Foxie x.

(member)

01/10/2008 22:47

Re: Death of my father

Hi Wardrobemistress
You've had lots of helpful advice so far and I agree with everything others have said. But in particular do go back to your doctor. Having moved to a new area I now have a new GP who has been wonderful, compared to the previous one. It's a bit of luck who you get but do go back and press for help. Take the antidepressants, I did and they help enormously to keep you sane. I've lost both my parents in protracted illnesses and it is very difficult to get over it all.
Take care,
Tina

(member)

02/10/2008 10:34

Re: Death of my father

Hello Wardrobmistress, I'm sorry you are feeling so low, but as the others have said, it is natural after the loss of your father. Remembering happy times you had together does help. I was given some advice once which seemed bizarre but I have found it helpful - in your mind, talk to your father - he lives on in your memories and you will be reassured of his love. My mother died 20 years ago, but I still occasionally chat to her (only not out loud, for obvious reasons!)

You will find that you can smile again, but give yourself time.

(member)

02/10/2008 15:53

Re: Death of my father

My father I was informed just 7 days before he died had cancer, I went into shock for 5 minutes and then thought I can deal with this........... as I had been through a traumatic divorce. I dealt with it....... as seeing him so ill and in so much pain and suffering I couldnt wish him to remain with me, it was a happy release for me.

My mother survived him which helped knowing I still had one parent left, made her more precious.

Regarding your mother, do you have siblings living near her
does she have good neighbours
does she attend church
does she know about Cruise (bereavement help)
could you perhaps bring her up to spend a short break with you?

My heart goes out to you

(member)

02/10/2008 15:56

Re: Death of my father

PS It takes about 4 seasons to actually deal with bereavement I have found, oh you go on loving the person but in a less painful and more acceptable way

I have since lost mum (in May of this year) and I always put a flower in a vase by her photograph as she hasnt left me, or indeed my father....... it is my belief they are silently around me as is your father

(member)

06/10/2008 16:02

Re: Death of my father

Hi wardrobemistress, just wondering how you are this week?

(member)

06/10/2008 18:35

Re: Death of my father

Hi WM so sorry about the death of your father I am an only child and lost both my parents within two years of each other. I still think about them everyday. Time does heal and you do learn to cope. I cannot give you any advice we all cope differently. I found I had to talk about them to anyone who would listen I was lucky I have a supportive family and friends. My thoughts are with you and remember we are hear to listen on the forum xx

(member)

06/10/2008 18:41

Re: Death of my father

Hello Wardrobemistress, I am so sad to hear of your loss. It must have been such a shock. Feeling unsettled and overwhelmed is normal, it will ease and be replaced by other emotions. Give yourself time to grieve and time to work out these changing feelings.
Others have mentioned Cruse Bereavement Care, they have a website and list all local branches on that site. This is a link to email them: helpline@cruse.org.uk
I hope that you find the comfort you need soon. Much love xxx G

(member)

06/10/2008 20:38

Re: Death of my father

Thinking of you at this difficult time. Brandyqueen x

Wardrobemistress

(member)

07/10/2008 11:31

Re: Death of my father

Thanks very much to everybody for taking the time to reply to me. I am a little better this week. Have been talking about things with my husband. I am going up to see my mum on Thursday.

(member)

07/10/2008 17:54

Re: Death of my father

Thinking of you at this difficult time ...

(member)

07/10/2008 17:59

Re: Death of my father

Thnaks for takign the time and making the efort to talk to us Wardrobemistress.
Stay with us W M and keep in touch.
Will be thinking of you over the next few weeks and months Best wishes to your mum and the rest of your family from me dbverycherry hugs [] [] []

(member)

07/10/2008 21:23

Re: Death of my father

Thanks for letting us know how you are. I am on holiday next week ,but will look for your posts when I get back. Will be thinking about you

(member)

17/10/2008 13:43

Re: Death of my father

HI Wardrobemistress,
So very sorry to hear about your Dad.
My Dad died very suddenly a number of years ago. It's always hard, but more so when you are so very far away. We were living in Dubai at the time!!

I know my initial reaction was worry for my poor Mum.
It's never easy, but it does get easier with time. It's now been 22 years, but I still think of him every day and find myself wishing I could talk to him about things.

Talking is always a good policy, especially to friends who have had the same loss.
Thinking of you.

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