Thank you so much for all your replies. I found all of them very helpful and a joy to read.
I agree as long as my sons are happy that is all that matters. That is until I became a Grandma. 10 years of "zipping" any response to a nasty comment, snarl or shrug have taken their toll and its now difficult.
My husband and I have always been there for them whenever we have been asked to help out and do DIY and gardening.
We live 150 miles from our son so its quite a trek, including 4 false alarms when the last baby srrived this year! Great for me as I got 4 more chances to spend time with by beautiful grandchildren and son.
My husband thinks our daughther in law is cranky as she swings from mood to mood. All over me like a rash one minute and then public enemy number one the next.
I have every admiration for her. My son works very long hours and she manages 3 children generally alone. Whereas I had loads of help from my Grandmother, Mother and close friends. When she rings I let her get things out of her system and only ever carefully she might try this or that or point her in the direction where help mightbe useful.
I am social work qualified with children and families so know a little bit but don't profess to know everything as every family situation is different and changes moment to moment! My oldest son was very difficult to raise as his behaviour was a challenge, he continuously had accidents and was diagnosed insulin dependent diabetic at 9 years. However I loved him dearly through thick and thin and he is also my very dear friend. My younger son with whose wife I have problems was angelic and an achiever. His loyalty is to his wife and I wholly accept that.
Last summer was the last straw. My Mum had died 3 months earlier and I had nursed her for 2 years. She had the most dreadful cancer.
We rented a villa in Spain for all of us. My DIL spent the whole time ranting especially at the older child who was 3 at the time. We were very concerned that when the second child was born the older one just got kicked into touch. Both grandchildren ane beautiful and gifted. A joy to be with but the older one was subjected to a variety of punishments which on the whole we found unwarranted for at the time a 2 year old.
I spent most of the time in our room playing and reading with the girls and watching dvds when we weren't in the pool. My DIL was 2 months pregnant at the time and her behaviour was given to her ensuing hormone changes.
We then had a hideous experience where the second child was screaming the place down following a reaction to being cleaned up with scented baby wipes. We endured this for around 10 minutes and then suggested tentatively they might try bathing her to remove the perfume. This was met with me being told to mind my own business. After another 10 minutes of a screaming child I told my son and DIL if they didnt bath her we would be leaving. This was catostrophic as it was the older grandchild's birthday party the following day. We packed and left, me sobbing as usual, all the way home.
At christmas determined not to give up and lose out on seeing our grandchildren, we again visited. It was dreadful. My DIL attitude towards me was dire. I have never been able to say the right thing but this was excessive.
Our other son and daughter in law also visited but cut it short and beat a hasty retreat which eventually we did. This upset our son.
When the new baby came in March we stayed for a week. When the second baby had arrived I only stayed until my daughter in law returned home from hospital to enable the family to gel, alone without interference. As the older grandchild was, in our opnion, treated so badly, we decided to stay on this time and help with the 2 older girls. Again the whole thing disintegrated. It was bitterly cold in their house. The baby cried and only slept when cuddled where he had some body warmth. In the end we bought several baby blankets, hats and extra cardigans, risking more rejection by our DIL. Thankfully it helped and the baby settled.
Sorry to bleat on but as with most family situations its tenuous and complex.
We try and visit monthly to maintain contact with our grandchildren and hoped to visit this weekend. Fortunately they did visit us 3 times during the summerto attend varous family events which meant less trips for us. Last week my son informed us that the girls were very tired after starting back to school and tearful. He is also in the process of laying off staff at his comapny due to the current banking issues. Consequently we were not to visit at present to prevent the risk of any arguments between us all. I had heard, by phone call, from my daughter in law that things were rough. The middle child was screaming in the mornings when the oldest was trying to get ready for school and would she would not let my DIL pick up the baby. The oldest was tearful and very tired due to the much longer school day. I suggested keeping it low key after school, not to worry if they had a short nap around tea time as eventually things would get easier. I was mortified by what my son had said to me but agreed that he was right. I posted the gifts we had for the children, things we had bought them from our recent holiday. I then had a call to thank me and inquire if we were visiting this weekend. I was stunned. Not the first time this has happened and we usually drop everything and go. I can't bear the confrontation any longer so said we had made other plans now.
An aside is that my DIL's hygiene is appalling to the point they are infested with mice and we are expected to sleep on a mattress covered in mice faeces. Piles of clothing, boxes and paperwork litter every room. I tolerate this as I feel she is under so much pressure looking after the children alone and has no cleaner at the moment. Its got so dirty now none of wnat to stay at their house. I do like things reasonably clean and tidy but don't think I am excessively clean. I have just learned over the years as a working woman some good shortcuts and how not to let things get out of hand and become a nightmare. My husband and I used to discreetly clean areas such as the kitchen and bathrooms at our sons but now don't bother preferring to spend pur time with our grandchildren. Our offers of help are interpreted as interference which is fair enough.
I have been told I have achieved a lot both career wise and for my community and take on board the suggestion by my other DIL that the problem roots in me being perceived as a threat. In the past month I have been told indirectly that I am ridiculed because I like attractive towels in the bathroom and my DIL would like to **** on them and wipe her *** in them and that we are referred to by her friends as the outlaws. I should add that my husband is only 4 years older than my DIL. He is the sweetest, kindest man who although only a little older , worked, did his own degree supporting both boys through college. He is clever, funny and our boys adore him. He is always there for them, in particular the past weeks when our son is experiencing difficulties with his business. They consider he is their father and the best Grandad in the world so in no way should he be cast as an "outlaw". I think now I just give up. My older son has just phoned and said if I visit his brother again before my oldest grandaughter's birthday in October he will disown me! My other daughter in law is very perceptive and we are friends. We don't speak that often but we are supportive of one another as women as well as being related. She has told me that my other DIL pursues whispering about me behind my back, when I am in an adjacent room

and she will not be party to this. Please burn after reading! Or perhaps it should be me burnt at the stake for being the wicked with of all MIL!