(member)

24/08/2008 11:19

Difficult teenage daughter

Can anyone help me!!

My teenage daughter (14) has gone from a loving, helpful, happy child to a rude, confrontational, unloving being in the past 6 months. She only wants to be with her friends and through most of the the holidays apart from when we were away in Canada, preferred to sit in the park with them for hours on end. She seems not to want to do anything with us in the family unit, (Dad, and her brother 16) she lacks emotion and it feels like she is pushing us away. I have tried and offerred everything, PGL holiday just the 2 of us, she said she would prefer to go with her friends. i have tried to bond with her over whatever she would like to do, bowling, shopping, swimming only to be told that she is fed up with us displaying this 'love me, love me' stuff. I am starting to feel like a mug. Everything is on her terms, I am now reluctant to hug her for fear of a comments about how i am trying to ger her to love us. I had a pretty awful childhood myself and I know I am very emotional so this has come particularly hard. She has openly admitted she isn't interested in me or my job and what I do in the day. I am now backing off.
She now has a boyfriend who seems very nice, and she often asks to stay out longer and usually we agree but lately she has been missing buses and the other evening I had to pick her up. I gave her a ban from going into town all over this weekend, only to find when we came back yesterday from going on a bike ride that he boyfriend had come over to see her. Very difficult. I feel that I have tried everything, but she is so rude, swears at us, goes off into her room and has an answer for everything. We had a family discussion/argument the other evening and her brother agrees that she is out of order.
It feels like she doesn't really like us, doesn't want to be in our company, and argues everything to the enth degree. It has come hard as we have always been a decent, tight knnit family and extended family, and I feel sure there are no signs of drugs, bullying etc as we have always been so open about everything.
I am feeling very sad over the daughter that I feel that I have lost.

(member)

24/08/2008 11:58

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

Hang in there barb - there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

It sounds to me that she is just trying to push the barriers as far as she can. What are her friends like? Can't you get them all round to your house to eat pizza, listen to music, try out face packs, paint each other's nails etc? It would be a good way for you to find out about her friends. Do you have any other family members your mother, mil, sister etc. who could talk to her?

Agree guidelines and boundaries with your OH and stick to them. Your daughter maybe 16 and hormonal but that is no excuse for her to walk all over the rest of the family with hobnail boots. She doesn't sound very happy, I hate to ask this, but is she being bullied at school?

I know there will be lots of advice for you so keep checking your post. Good luck - Foxie x.

(member)

24/08/2008 12:32

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

Hi Barb50 - she sounds like a fairly typical teenager to me. My son is 14 and when he describes how his female friends behave it is exactly like this. Although my son has started grunting and he most definitely doesn't want to spend so much time with us, boys tend to be less up and down at 14, I have it to look forward to later. And they are all selfish, so her lack of interest in you is also typical.

Foxie is right, keep her boundaries tight. All teens need something to kick against, someone to be angry with. I wouldn't let her get into the habit of swearing at you or treating the family as doormats, so stand firm on that. As long as you are sure there is nothing wrong - no bullying or drugs etc - then (sadly I know) you have to accept that it's time to let go a little. It's hard letting go, not so many hugs and kisses but if you give her the space to grow up in (that's what the boundaries are) then she will come to back to you.

Hughs for you, I know it's hard.

(member)

24/08/2008 14:07

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

Sounds normal to me too, not nice and the initial shock is so unpleasant for parents to come to terms with. You will learn how to parent a teenager, it's just that at the moment she is one step ahead, because she has initiated this next step in the growing up stage, you feel swamped. It's sink or swim and you will swim, we all do if not all of the time. Don't take it personally and keep talking to other mums. It will pass, in time. And rest assured, she does love you and need you as you will find out the minute she has a panic over something an adult will see as quite trivial. Just don't laugh at that point, I say this from experience. Remember those toddling moments when you just had to stand back and watch her fall sometimes, or spill something? It's a bit like that, only bigger. You may also remember that you had a giggle about her antics occassionally and felt so proud at her acheivements, that will still happen too. Lots of love and hugs xx G

(member)

24/08/2008 15:42

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

I think you have just described my youngest daughter.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and if you and OH can stick together on all things important it will be easier. Unfortunaetly I had to put up with my ex - her dad - bad mouthing me and setting differing guidlines to those I set. However...... things are much better now at 19 and throughout it all I knew in my heart she was still my beautiful, loving daughter. Finding that daughter was really, really hard at times but I tried not to stoop to her level of shouting and being angry ( that was very hard sometimes ).

Gigi is right that she will come to you for support when she needs it.. I always forgave her her mistakes and never bore a grudge, on the assumption that if she was treated with understanding she would learn to be understanding.
It is 'three steps forward, two steps back' with a tricky teenager but your D is still the lovely girl she always was and you will find her again.

Good luck.

(member)

24/08/2008 17:12

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

Barb50, I'm another one who thinks you have a fairly typical teen on your hands. At that age I think any of us would rather hang out with our friends than with our families. There's an old saying that when you are 15, your mother knows nothing, but by the time you are 21 you're astonished by how much she has learned in the past six years!

I'd have a very few rules, and ignore everything else. One of the ones I personally would insist on is no swearing, but that's me, you may feel differently.

You say her boyfriend seems nice. If her friends are nice too, you shouldn't have a lot to worry about. Someone working with drug "prevention" once told me that the most important thing a teenager could do was choose their friends wisely, so if she's in with a good crowd, relax, and if you have the space, let them pile round to your house. After all once the weather turns colder they won't want to be sitting in the park.

You mention that her teenage brother thinks she is out of order. Well all I can say is - he would wouldn't he!

When you say she isn't interested in your job, or your day, or doing things with you, I want you to remember that she's not your mother. When he was 14 my eldest son told me I was his best friend, and we'd walk along arm in arm when we were on holiday. By the following year I was history, and the year after that he didn't want to come on holiday with us at all! He's 28 now and guess what - he and his girlfriend are coming away with us for the second time next month.

So things will change, just play it cool in the meantime.

(member)

24/08/2008 18:51

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

I am glad to know I'm not on my own! Am having the same problems with my 15 year old son - his character has completely changed in last 6 months. I have 2 older children whose teenage years were a doddle to cope with in comparison! He is not interested in school work or sport at present, has changed his friends and his character. His teachers say he is behind with g.c.s.e.coursework and is messing around in lessons. Have tried different tactics with him: nagging, reasoning with him, being nice but nothing seems to be motivating him. I know it is teenage rebellion and he will eventually come through it but it is such an important year for him at school. I am finding it very hard to deal with at present and am very worried about him. Advise welcome!

(member)

24/08/2008 18:56

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

Wow this is spooky; I have just come onto the forum crying, intending to post the very same thing about my 14 year old daughter (who I have just have a massive row with)and there is your post. Obviously I have no answers whatsoever, but if its any consolation you are not alone. Perhaps we could just swap daughters for a few years as they are always better behaved for someone else. Hopefully someone on the forum has a miracle cure.
Keep smiling

Carey

(member)

24/08/2008 19:08

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

I'm another one with a difficult second daughter, after a very easy first one. It's been a real shock but, being the second child, at least we know that we're not to blame for the way she's behaving: it's just her personality, combined perhaps with the fact that she feels she's got to be different from her sister.

Doesn't make it any easier though. Perhaps we should start a "Mums' Ranting Thread" where we can let off steam?!

(member)

24/08/2008 20:25

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

I have a 14 year old D as well. I would agree to make as few rules as possible but stick to them strictly (One of my D's friends was grounded for writing on her own hand!)
Let her know you are there for her if she needs you.
I am really lucky that my D trusts me. They need to know you will keep their secrets if they confide in you
Hugs to you and your family

(member)

24/08/2008 21:30

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

My daughter turns 13 this week and I am dreading the 'Kevin the Teenager' years. At the moment she is easy to get on with, although there is the occasional glimpse of hormones. I was a horrible teenager and caused my parents a lot of heartache. I came through it and if/when my daughter goes through the same will be holding that thought! I am sure your daughter loves you very much and is trying to find her place in the world while testing the boundaries to the limit. Good luck

(member)

24/08/2008 22:26

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

I had a very difficult time with my elder daughter, she had strong opinions on everything and was not slow to voice them. We used to joke that she was 'born awkward', until her first child was born and we have been fine since then. She used to complain that all her friends had a better life than she did and how much she hated everything. Since having children of her own she has told me that she is trying to bring them up with the same values I taught her!! My younger daughter was much easier, always willing to fit in with others. I found out much later that during her teenage years she had been self-harming over quite a long period. So I look back on their teenage years and think they dealt with their feelings in different ways, but feel so guilty that I thought my younger daughter was coping, whereas she, obviously, was not. Her life must have been hell, just bottling everything up and putting on a good face. But, the good news is, they are now well rounded, happy women. And all three of us are very close and get on extremely well.

(member)

25/08/2008 02:07

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

I agree - what you've got there is a typical teenager.

Pushing the boundaries is all part of the growing-up process, and is a natural step on the way to becoming an independent adult. I think that you have to have some rules, but they need to be about things that matter, and not just for the sake of having rules.

The things that were important to me when my children were teenagers, and therefore the things that I had strict rules about, were "coming home" times, rudeness and swearing, and letting us know who they were with and where they were going.

You said that your daughter no longer wants to do things with the rest of you as a family, and again, that is normal. It won't be a permanent state of affairs, though. Once she has got the hang of this growing up business, she will form a different, and probably stronger, relationship with the rest of the family, but as an adult, and not as a child.

I also agree that the best way of keeping an eye on the sort of friends your children are making is to let them meet at your house. You'll have to put up with some strange-sounding music, and you'll be forever stocking up the fridge and larder, but that's a small price to pay for peace of mind.

The really important things to remember, though, is that, just as your sweet little daughter suddenly turned into a stroppy teenager, that stroppy teenager will suddenly turn into a lovely young woman - and in years to come, when she's tearing her hair out over the behaviour of her own teenagers, you'll be able to look smug and say: "You were just as bad."

(member)

25/08/2008 09:17

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

I can relate to a lot of these issues my D was 15 last March, it seemed the day she turned 14 she changed from my loving, helpful, caring, friendly child to a complete horror.
Nothing was ever good enough, no matter what she was offered she wanted something else.sullen face, no communication only spoke to me when she wanted something.If she could speak to me through text I'm sure she would have!!
Her Dad and I had divorced when she was 11, no animosity was involved but it obviously affected her .
It's a real tough times because I don't want her to behave this way but I remember my teenage years and the hormones etc etc.

But THANKFULLY I think we are over the worse, a friend told me she "lost " her D for 4 years (14-18) but everything is great for them now.

I think being a parent is the hardest job there is.
Hang in there it will pass !!

(member)

25/08/2008 09:32

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

Don't worry it is quite normal! My daughter is now grown up and we are best of friends and even she has said I don't know how you put up with me I was an absolute terror and admitted she used to do whatever she could to annoy me and make my life difficult when she was a teeenager. My daughter went from a girl who lovely to a nightmare overnight. You will survive it and the I agree with the advice the other ladies have given, stick to the boundaries you set and always know who their friends are and have them round. You always love your children to bits and always will but at times you don't like them.

(member)

25/08/2008 11:19

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

I agree with what everyone has said you just have a normal teenager.
My kids are all grown up now but each one has gone through different phases of teenagehood.
Sometimes it has been hell on earth but you have to ride with it and you will get through it.
Mine are quite decent adults now!

(member)

04/09/2008 20:18

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me. I was very touched and I must say that it has helped immensely.
Knowing there are people out there who have come through similar has given me hope. I am far more relaxed about my daughter now and I think it has helped our relationship a little. I think it is just a question of going with it and believing it is just part of growing up.

(member)

04/09/2008 20:54

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

Hi Barb, just to put my ten pence worth in, I agree with all thats been said on here. My D went upstairs to bed on her 13th b/day an angel, confident, chatty and well mannered, and got up on her 14th b/day and had changed into an alien!!! Hated everything, everybody, hated her life, school, friends, us!!! Everything was "boring", "pointless" "rubbish" and a whole host of various other derogatory phrases. I thought...drugs, bullies, peer pressure, all of the things that go through a mothers head, but it was none of these, she was just growing up!! She is now 16 and this year, I have started to see my "real" daughter again, not the imposter thats been in her place for two years!!!...hang in there, buy a hair dye to cover the inevitable grey hairs, ear plugs to block out the sound of slammed doors, heaving sighs and deliberatly loud music, and a nice bottle of wine to "medicate" with.
Take care

Dawn x

(member)

09/09/2008 07:32

Re: Difficult teenage daughter

My 13yr old turns 14 next week and the writing is already on the wall.My 12 yr old is horrendous and has been since 10. She has gone to school this morning looking like Dusty Springfield, and it's the class photo today (makeup/hair colour etc are allowed in french schools) My 10yr old is already ruling the roost. So God help me!!!!

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